In a recent roundup of books on sale, FairyKat asked very nicely if we could caption one of the covers. I don't see why. Do you?
The thing I question most is, where did his legs go? Are his legs with this guy's head?!
If Lord Fireice's pants are with Stygian's head, that must be a fun party. I hope the bar is being underwritten by Photoshop. (Many MANY thanks to the lovely women at the book club at the Galaxy Bookshop in Sydney for pointing out Mr. Headless to me when I was there.)
So, what IS Mr. Lord of Fire and Ice thinking? Why is he holding his flaming hand next to his crotch? Isn't that rule number one when one can wield fire: no flaming near the family jewels? Time to caption that cover!
You've got 48 hours to come up with a most bodacious caption for the Lord of Fire and Ice. I'll pick the winner on Friday, 18 January, at noon eastern. You're more than welcome to “Like” your favorite comments to try to sway my vote. The winner will receive a $25 giftcard to the bookstore of his or her choice.
Standard disclaimers apply: Void where prohibited. Must be over 18 and doing the dance dance revolution to win. Open to international residents including the folks in the space station. By submitting an entry to the contest as set forth herein, each entrant does acknowledge and agree that, in the event such entrant is victorious, such entrant will perform a ceremony reasonably appropriate to such circumstance, including, without limitation, the Miposian Dance of Joy or, in the alternative, Gangnam Style.
Go forth and caption Mr. Firepants! Bring it on!
Message to King of Rhodes
Dear Sire,
It would seem that your Colussus has escaped again, since I see him here waist deep in the waters around my island. In an attempt to keep his hands aflame he seems to be loosing his family jewels. Also a viking ship is approaching and you know how they get when they smell treasure, I tell you they are pigs one and all.
Please send your headless huntsman to collect your Colussus ASAP.
Love Circes
Witch and Sorceress
Isle of Aeaea
As he gazed into the distance he wondered if he would ever find his pants, which, incidentally still contained his legs. He also began to suspect that he had somehow contracted athlete’s foot of the hands, as he currently had misplaced his feet. The burning flames sprouting from between his fingers just could not be healthy.
He knew the clinic said he may experience a burning sensation, but who would guess it would spread to his hands and burn up everything from the waist down?
“You tell me Doc. It started itching this morning, and now this.”
Or
He never thought he’d be grateful to Loki for playing that practical joke, but the water was flipping freezing!
Having lost his legs (and err… other bits down there) in a freak snowstorm, Victor, the once virile viking, thought he would never please a lady again. Happily, Victor soon discovers his special talent for making a lady burn with passion with just one touch of his hands.
Huh. Whadduya know? It really WAS cold enough out there to freeze your @%# off.
(Good thing he got those pocket hand warmers as stocking stuffers)
“That’s the last time I have anything to do with the ladies in THAT port!” he muttered grumpily to himself, quickly reaching for some fast actin’ Tinactin. Perhaps a shot of penicillin was in order too, as he was sure someone was going to notice the scorch marks on his trousers.
Sadly, the viking lord had not yet learned to control his hand flames before he decided to have a private moment that caused the burning in his loins to become a burning of his loins.
I had to do the other one- Stygian knew the ‘roids had some bad side effects, but he thought the shinkage was supposed to be in the vicinity of his other head. Oh well, the one that remained was probably smarter anyway…
One word: “Friction”
After losing his lower half during the ice wars, he tried to overcome his depression by playing with fire. His inner arsonist soon came into play and he began shooting fire balls at passing ships, and the heads and legs of other men. If he couldn’t have legs, no one can.
“Full of wicked desire”; legs burned off by fire.
‘Nuff said.
Posing for this cover is way more fun than that Pert Plus shoot last month. Note to self: send agent a fruit basket.
“Dance till your pants are on fire and embrace my red hot flame!” Derek Hough, Dancing with the Stars Champion and, now, Cover Model.
Saber toothed crotch crickets were no longer a problem for Ragnar the Flaming Viking.
Or
Ragnar gave a whole new meaning to Flaming Viking.
Stygian was used to the heavy fog swirling about his head at all times – a by product of being such a tall beast – but now that a new flaming viking was in town, he suddenly felt mist-ified about how to attract women.
My great balls of fire beat my brother Michael’s Feet of Flames any day of the week, yo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F…
‘Er, I think you may be taking the sensation play a bit too far, honey. I’m happy to wear the collar, and I’m kind of okay with you running an icecube over my chest, but making me run around in Arctic conditions and setting my crotch and hands on fire? We seriously need to revisit that hard limit list …’
Jim Morrison shot out of sleep like a jack in the box. “Come on, baby, light my fire!” he shouted. “Hmmpf,” muttered the groupie still dozing beside him. He leapt to his feet and began kicking through the discarded clothing on the floor. Where was his notebook? “I had the strangest dream,” he explained, riffling under a pair of jeans, “there was a viking wearing a collar. His hands were…ablaze.” Finally he found the battered moleskein and scratched out the soon-to-be-immortal words, “…try to set the night on fire.”
“‘Tis half a Viking I be without my magic. But half a Viking, they say, ‘tis good enough.”
“Yeah, I’m ripped. But I did not say to rip my head off, woman. How do you propose to fix this?”
Finding himself severally under-dressed for the cold, and having already lost feeling in his lower extremities, Ulric took desperate measures to try to preserve any hope he had of both surviving and having a family. Igniting his other hand, he raised it as a distress beacon, and hoped the ship he saw in the distance wasn’t just a hallucination brought on by the hypothermia.
My loins of Fire and Ice can beat your Song of Ice and Fire any day of the week, GRRM!
For Lord of Fire and Ice: Brothers Earth and Wind, rejoice! I have found our long-lost brother, Ice. He was enslaved on Captain Jack Sparrow’s ship but my crotch of burning flames and my hand of fire has freed him.
For Stygian’s Honor: The Headless Horseman is looking for love. He may not have a head upstairs but he for sure makes for it downstairs.
The gods were merciful, for though they sent him into the frozen waste with nary a stitch on him, he still had his Flaming Hands o’Fire™ to keep him (and him) warm. What he wouldn’t do for a pair of legs though. Ah well, the gods giveth and the gods taketh away.
*makes UP for it downstairs.
“Yes,” thought the wolf. “His head may have been nothing to call the pack over for, but the rest of him will make a tasty snack. And I’m pretty sure a young lady with a heaving bosom will turn up in time for dessert.”
I’m mellllllting…
“I want you so much my loins are aflame,” he whispered to her in a pained voice. “I mean they are literally on fire.”
He’ll really get your fire started… If yah know what I mean….
Only she could soothe the burning in his loins…A tale of Fire, Ice and Tough Actin’ Tinactin!
I’ve got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it…show it…show it….
Goodness, gracious…. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
“There’s no fire in my loins, so you’ll have to make do with my hand, okay?”
Oh, I think Katie wins!
When Bothvar the Bold told her his loins burned, she’d assumed he meant for her. Now why couldn’t she have learned her lesson from her previous lover, who’d told her he’d lost his head?
“Here, you’ve got to see this. Look, I can crush my enemy’s Viking ship with my bicep while burning his sail with this magic flame—oh shit! I didn’t realize BOTH hands were making the magic flame!” *Jumps up and down and starts beating crotch*
Host: *shakes head* “Always the life of the party, Brandr.”
1) I’m a genie in a Zippo baby… Come on let me light /you/ up….
&
2) It was the last time he fell for the cry of ‘Wolf!’…. Forever after, his lack of ears prevented hearing those fraudulent tones.
The virile Viking Lord finally found a solution to his hairy palm affliction. Unfortunately, he realized too late that he should have paid more attention to the warnings of the village witch because the concoction turned out to be less icy than hot.
Is man-waxing too soft for you virile Wall Street raiders? Try this historically accurate method to remove unsightly or unwanted hair: the Viking Flame Job ™. Takes it all off, and more, pain guaranteed.
A burning and passionate love story so hot that it will burst into flames and consume your soul… along with your legs.