Happy gratuitous candy day! I hope, if you celebrate Halloween, that you get all the best kinds of candy that you like, and none of those Necco wafers, unless you like them, in which case, give me your address and I'll send you mine.
I received this email from Heather, who said, “Yes, I was shelving books in the romance section again. I found these treasures that simply demanded to be shared. This cover from “The Hawk and the Dove” is a fine example (from 1988!!!) of the heroine not laying in the hero's arms like a limp noodle.”
WHY YES. Yes, it is a fine example both of 1988 and of non-limp-noodle-heroines. Have a look!
This cover just has so much going for it: copious use of a color I'd describe as “vaguely dusty salmon.” Absolutely enormous nipples on the hero! And somehow they are both at sea and on top of some roses. It's amazing.
But the part I really, truly don't get, is what the hero is… clutching there. Here's a closeup:
First, I have no idea why his forearm on the right is melting. Maybe it's the heat?
But what is UP WITH THE BIRD? What's in his hand, and why is a bird on it?! Is that bird meant to be…suggestive?! What's going on with the wee birdy??
That's where you come in. Caption that cover! You can make it birdly or not so birdly, you can make his nipples sentient, whatever. All you have to do is caption that madness! The creator of the best caption will win a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice.
Standard disclaimers apply: open to anyone age 18 or older wearing blue pearls and a corset. International entries welcome. Void where prohibited. Mind the gap. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. No birds were harmed in the making of this contest.
You have 48 hours to go mad with the captioning – and please feel free to “like” your favorites to try to sway my voting. I'll be soliticing the opinions of any random Australian I can grab to help me judge – if I can explain what I'm talking about before they run away quickly from the crazy American. I'll pick winners on Friday, 2 November.
Ready, set, go caption that cover! Or, dress as either of them or the bird tonight for Halloween!
That cover was painted by magnificent artist Sharon Spiak. The model is Fabio with dark hair, and yes, he really has large Italian nipples!
Can’t believe how many ladies responded to this cover.
Best always,
Virginia Henley
Katniss had no idea why the Capital insisted on a historically-themed Hunger Game, or why Cinna had insisted she wear mauve. Still, with her trusty mockingjay pin for luck, she was confident she could once again win the audience’s support by pretending to love Peeta. The poor sap wouldn’t know what hit him…
Sometimes on a sea of roses, you have to improvise when is comes to Choke the Chicken.
Cock-a-doodle -you! SW Falconer looking to lark around with SW Bushtit. My Homing Pigeons have been trained to fly where no bird has flown before, the Hummer-ing Birds are inexhaustible, and my Woodpecker is nearly a foot long! Answer this ad – you’ll have no Egrets!
I’m comment 43 – I messed up the “post as” feature.
Ack, sorry – I’m having trouble with the posting. Delete the “I’m comment 43” … it was comment 44 (bird puns), I was trying to post as “KarenF” and it keeps switching to my email.
I actually think this is a great cover, and would like to suggest (seriously) that perhaps the thing he’s holding was intended to be a bicorne hat?
Put. A. Bird. On. It!
I mean, most modern covers are just plain b-o-r-i-n-g… another lady in a fancy dress, looking if not blank then very serious. Never anything to do with the actual contents of the book. Here’s a proposal for a post: have people take their favorite historical romance novel published in the last ten years, pick the scene they think would make a good cover illustration, and describe how they’d depict it.
No caption but a comment that the reason the cover looks odd, with the funny “highlights,” is that this was released with an embossed, “3-D” cover. That’s not a milk mustache, for example, but a side effect of the subsequent wear on the raised areas.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Oh my love we will sail away together, with your little birdy.
My lovely dove, Will you help me seduce this fair lady by making her forget my deformity of an arm and luring her towards my crotch with thy sweet song!
(bird sings) “If you like it then you better put a bird on it. Don’t be mad once you see that he wants it. Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…oh-oh-oh-oh!”
Here is best possible caption. Who could possibly top the author of “The Hawk and The Dove”? And Fabio as the model? How cool is that? We’re lucky, ladies, that Virginia stopped by to comment.
One look at his hawklike features and the twitter of his muscles beneath her palm set her heart a flight!
Great another dove. He had to get rid of it quick, before she noticed. And werewolves thought they had it tough, try being a werehawk. How would you explain to your lady friend why birds are always flocking to you?
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Who’s seducing who?
“Feed the birds, tuppence a bag”
‘Honey, if that bird bites your knob again, the thorns on those roses will be the least of your worries.’
Oh! flashback to my misspent youth!! I’m pretty sure I still have my well read copy it in my attic. I must have read it when I was 14/15 and thought it was THE. BEST. BOOK. EVAH! So, thank you Ms. Henley, because even after all these years, just seeing the cover brings a smile to my face. 🙂
Wow. So much going on there. I’ve no choice but to rely on my go-to sources of inspiration: Johnny Cash, and the Foo Fighters. Here goes, “One peck and Lord Hawk’s ‘desire’ was one foot high and rising, and chaste Lady Dove had sworn to never return home until she ‘learned to fly’, but can a nest feathered at sea ever compare with the riches that awaited them at Castle Fulton?”
I wanted to thank you for feathering my nest, so I got you this present…
Since Christmas is right around the corner,
Yes, this is a partridge on _my_ pear tree.
I swear that I put in “the bird is the word” from Family Guy… funny its not here
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His interest in her was as apparent as the pecker in his hand…
“Got Milk?”
Sorry. Can’t get passed his lips.
While she offered him her luscious bazooms and jewels, he had nothing to offer up save a cow patty and a tiny hummer.