What Not to Write: Spooge.

Book Cover
Anonymous forwarded the following to me, and of course, I have to inflict it on the rest of you. Enjoy.

Kerrelyn Sparks’s Eat Prey Love is, in my opinion, a What Not to Write, but the “werepanther spooge” part sticks out.

Some background: Our hero is a shapeshifting werepanther, and when he is killed, he comes back to life and kinda goes up a level in strength, abilities, etc. all Marty-Stu-like.  And when he comes back to life, he needs sex.  The first time he dies, he hasn’t quite hit that point with our heroine yet, so he has to go off into a corner of the cave they’re stuck in and, well, take care of himself.  On the way out of the cave, the author somehow feels compelled to draw our attention to the puddles of werepanther spooge left on the cave floor by our masturbating hero.

“Watch your step here.” He maneuvered her to the left.

She shone her flashlight down to see what he was avoiding. It was a whitish puddle. “What is that? Rainwater with chalk or lime deposits?” She beamed her light at the ceiling to look for drips.

He snorted. “That was from me.”

Her face grew warm. “Oh.”

He led her forward. “There’s another one here. Watch your step.”

Her flashlight picked up a second puddle in the middle of the path. Her face blazed hotter. “Okay.”

It’s jarring.  It’s weird. It’s not funny the first time, and by the second time it’s just rubbing the reader’s face in it.  It reads like bad fanfic, the kind where you realize the author has some weird fetish you don’t and they keep bringing it up at uncomfortable times.


OK, there has to be some lines drawn here, and I draw the first at Puddles of Spooge. There is no reason for spunk puddles. Really. Not ever. Don’t try to tell me there is romantic demand for man pudding deep in the cave because I will not believe it, not even if you are making jewelry out of them. I refuse to accept that jizz dribbles are needed in romance. And you can thank Zoe Archer for that last link.

 

Comments are Closed

  1. MelB says:

    2 puddles? What does he have down there, a firehose? Or is it because he’s supernatural and therefore produces a supernatural amount of male secretions? Any guy with that amount should see a doctor.

    I don’t mind a guy masturbating in a book, I just don’t want to read about all the real aftermath while transported into fantasy.

  2. Karenmc says:

    I saw this early this morning before breakfast. Four hours and some food later, still in awe (in a bad way).

  3. Jennifer says:

    Remember, folks, that THIS BOOK GOT PUBLISHED. And not a soul on the way to publication objected to the werespooge.

    I weep for the future of publication.

  4. JamiSings says:

    Well, if it’s any consolation, I hear sperm is really good for womens’ skin – helps clear up acne and prevent wrinkles. The heroine now has a free source.

  5. TaraL says:

    I hear sperm is really good for womens’ skin – helps clear up acne and prevent wrinkles.

    LOL. I’ll give you one guess who started this rumor…

    On the other hand, it certainly can’t be any worse for you than some of the bizarre shit they put into makeup and moisturizers.

  6. MarieC says:

    LOL! I love this site!

    Can you just imagine what the smell would be like? What a slob! can you just imagine living with this dude?

    and what he lived there with bats? and the bat-funk?

  7. Ana says:

    Masturbation?  Awesome!  Puddles of semen—I horfed a little reading that passage.  Gross.

  8. quichepup says:

    I picked this up because of the title. Just started it and will definitely finish it now. What made me snicker was the hero’s last name—Panterra. Rock on! With a sandwich.

  9. JamiSings says:

    @TaraL – It may be that men started it, but I hang out on a website called The Beauty Brains and have read somewhere that it actually is – in fact, I googled it –

    http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_sperm_really_good_for_your_skin_and_teeth

    http://uaddit.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=775

    http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-human-sperm-an-effective-skin-softener/

    http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/524355.html

    And here’s a list of weird beauty ingredients –

    http://thebeautybrains.com/2008/07/23/the-10-strangest-ingredients-used-in-cosmetics/

    And being that the guy is a werepanther so therefore his semen is full of supernaturalness it’s got to be doubly effective.

  10. megalith says:

    Not to mention, how did the author deal with this during the obligatory sex scenes? That much semen is not gonna do good things for a condom. The thing would either break or blow up like a water balloon. And I’m pretty sure big puddles of sperm shooting into the hoo ha would not exactly be pleasant either, no matter what porn writers might think.

    But then, as JamiSings says, it’s Supernatural Sperm (TM) and thus guaranteed to shapeshift into lovely disappearing rose petals.

  11. TaraL says:

    Well, actually, I was just making a joke, hence, the LOL

    But, I’ve had bad skin my whole life. And this despite 30+ years of adhering to a fairly constant and, dare I say, rigorous series of various internal applications of semen. Now I feel so foolish to know that there could have been even more benefits if more of those applications had been topical. However, since I’m monotonously monogamous and my husband is, uh…  unlikely to want to give up what he’s become accustomed to, I’m afraid I’ll just have to resign myself to my skin issues.

    And, again, this response was mostly a joke. I nearly said that it was tongue in cheek, but that just sounds kind of dirty at the moment, doesn’t it?

  12. JamiSings says:

    @Tara – Oops. Sorry, didn’t pick up on the LOL.

    Course I meant my original one kind of tongue in cheek too.

  13. I didn’t think I was going to enjoy this story that much, as I wasn’t very interested in Carlos. I always thought he was a great secondary character, but I was concerned he wouldn’t make that great of a hero. Boy was I wrong!Eat Prey Love will leave the reader hungry for more by this delightfully talented author!

  14. Cakes says:

    I just keep picturing the scene…out to dinner. he hands her a blue velvet box. her eyes get a little teary. her handles tremble with anticipation as she opens the box. and finds a splooge puddle necklace, you know, just to show how much she means to him.

  15. brotherelf says:

    99 puddles of spooge on the floor,
    99 puddles of spooge,
    slip in one, next time go around,
    89 puddles of spooge on the floor.

    Somebody shoot me now, please.

  16. Chicklet says:

    I have absolutely no problem with a romance depicting masturbation by either sex. I do have a problem with a hero who produces enough semen to create multiple puddles, because, Lord, imagine the laundry difficulties.

  17. Sarah says:

    Well, at least he was polite enough to point out where they were?

    Yah, not cutting it.  That’s just a no…Just no!

  18. lilywhite says:

    After all, it’s called “the lovin’ spoonful”

    Is that really what that 70s band name means?  LOL!  I’m so naive!  I only realized about two weeks ago why Shaggy and Scooby are so hungry all the time!  (And when I say “realized” I mean “someone told me outright.”)

  19. I don’t know, reading that scene just now actually made me laugh and loud – and I almost never do that. I guess I must have a weird sense of humour.

  20. Tricia B says:

    I have to echo Jennifer. I felt sure this was going to be a CreateSpace, Booksurge, or Outskirts Press production based on the weresplooge. I am so depressed now.

  21. Moira Reid says:

    And the book is doing really well, too. And hey, maybe any scene taken out of context would be jarring, right? Still, for some reason (maybe the title) I thought this was some kind of religious book. Guess not.

  22. Literary Slut Kilian says:

    Silly me, I assumed that supernatural man juice would glow in the dark.  Another fantasy gone. Foo.

  23. JamiSings says:

    @Literary – I think it depends on the supernatural man species. I’m sure there’s huge differences between vampire splooge and were-creature splooge. Then there’s demon and angel splooges. Not to mention ghost splooge.

  24. Anne Ardeur says:

    I’m all for (occasional) realism in my romance novels, but that’s just gross.  Do Not Want.

    If he needs mystical werepanther masturbation, at least get rid of the puddles (goodbye condom, hello nasty chafing) of werepanther spooge in a similarly mystical fashion.

    Spamword: day42.  By day 42, the cave floor was sixteen inches deep in werepanther spooge.

  25. GoShawdy says:

    This is book is part of the bottom rung of Paranormal Romance so I’m not surprised. Spooge is also a word that Furries use which makes me question the author’s lifestyle a bit.

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