Today on Twitter (that sounds like a really bad show on an entertainment network, doesn’t it?) I mentioned that I encounter a lot of heroes who smell “woodsy” but had no idea what that meant. Swampy? Like pine trees? Cedar? Hickory? Like firewood, pre- or post-campfire?
A few people suggested cedar, or, as Maisey Yates said, “like sticking your head in the Pacific Northwest.” Having never smelled the PNW, I’ll take your word for it that this is a good smell.
But this conversation got me thinking – why are there not more romance-novel tie-in products? I mean, think of the possibilities! In the Bosoms we published the following graphic advertising a product mockup which I still have not seen on the shelves of my nearest drugstore:
This is super-powered product right here- ever notice that heroes and heroines can roll over and make out first thing in the morning without a sign or indication that There Be Swamp Breath In the Morning? Listerine has nothing on romance novel mouthwash.
And so long as we’re smelling woody:
Would you hang that in your car? I would totally hang that in my car. Time for anther round of my favorite game, Where’s My Venture Capitalist™? I envision a whole line of these – in all your favorite hero-fresh scents, including “Woodsy,” “Spicy,” “Sweat, Leather, and Horses,” and my favorite, “Male.” He smelled like a Male. No one would dare steal your ride if it smelled like Male.
Any other scent ideas? ETA: Product ideas welcome too! I’m not picky. Let me have ‘em! Best romance-novel tie in product in the comments gets a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choosing. Gift cards are guaranteed not to smell “woodsy.” You’ve got 24 hours – make your suggestions, in text or, if you’re feeling frisky, in graphic form.
Er.. that should be “smell like sunshine” not “small”.
never86: even if I try 86 times, I may never get the captcha to allow me to submit my comment.
“Ocean Mist” …. for when you have the irresistible urge to smell like the ocean. In three scents: dead fish, rotting seaweed and tar.
And to get you in the mood: “Sounds of the Sea”. Tracks include pounding surf, crazy riptide, and slap on the dock.
“doing56”…. definitely need to break out that Vulva-leen!
This reminded me of my horny Sailor air freshener, sadly it smelled like funeral flowers but I liked the name enough to keep it in my car for 2 years. When my grandma saw it she smiled and told me my grandpa was in the Navy, I think that was when I took it down.
1st commenter Elizabeth nailed it with the “could it be a mysterious something that’s uniquely Him? No, it’s That Mysterious Something That Is Uniquely Him ™, coming soon to a perfume counter near you.”
Cuz really, I’ve read that particular turn of phrase in many a novel, and I tell, ya – sometimes my imagination goes a little wacky with what that unique thing might be…
Side note – there is a girl who creates hand made soaps based on the heroes of Karen Marie Moning’s novels. She chooses scents based on descriptions in the books – and yes, sandalwood was def. included for one or more of the heroes. When she first started making them she gave out several free samples – they actually weren’t bad! (I stuck one in hubby’s soap dish in the shower…he smelled pretty darn good!)
The Amazing Disappearing Romancelandia Condom!
It just magically whisks away after use. No more running to the bathroom, having it land in your shoe, or the horrible…uh..um so where did it go?….EW!
Nope with the Romancelandia condom, you just roll it on the velvety iron rod and then afterwards…poof!
Having trouble making that little one? Try ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP! With ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP you will get pregnant the very first month you begin trying, probably the very first time, or your rich Duke’s money back.
Using ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP, You’re Always Ovulating ™. It works with your lady-body’s natural, irresistible Magic Hoo-Hoo, and you’re partner’s Wang O’ Mighty Lovin’ to guarantee an Insta-Baby, complete with Dazzling Emerald Eyes ™ and Gossamer Raven Locks ™!
Do it in an abandoned mill! On the beach! On a rock! In your moody hero’s secret half-brother’s secret brothel! It doesn’t matter! No more temperature charting. No more sticking your legs up in the air after you do it! With ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP, you’ll have an Epilogue with a baby bump and a castle in thirty pages or less.
Sandalwood smells like Indian incense and gives me a headache. I think I’d prefer cedar so that the man will repel moths or mesquite for that everlasting barbecue scent – always be hungry for more.
THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY WOMAN’S LIFE…WHERE THE NOVEL IS JUST TOO MUCH.
*cuts to image of old woman reading a bodice ripper*
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE MORE EXPERIENCED, YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.
*zooms in on one word: WEEPING*
YOU MAY FIND THAT YOU HAVE CONNECTED WITH THE HEROINE A BIT TOO MUCH. SO WHAT DO YOU USE?
*throws in sparkly, dangly bits of confetti shaped like Mighty Wangs and Hoo-Haas in the air*
THE NOVEL-TY SPONGE. IT TAKES AWAY ALL OF THAT 80’S STYLE WEEPING. BUY IT AT ANY LOCAL STORE.
*Warning: This product may cause you to forever lose the Mighty Wang that goes to your Magical Hoo-Haa. We are not responsible for this. Without weeping, there is no smecks magic. That’s how the romance novel universe works. As a reader, you must understand this. Now buy this sponge. You are so leaking right now*
idea79 – It’s fate! Or just boredom and a really, really messed up thought process. 🙂
Cinnamon is made from bark. I wouldn’t mind a man smelling of cinnamon (although it’s kind of Christmasy).
Other woody scents: manzanita, redwood (although it may be more “mold” than “redwood”), California Bay (definitely not for cooking), and cypress.
This reminds me of an embarrassing incident I had last year. I bought this fantastic new candle that smelled amazing. It was like a mix of Old Spice and cedars. It seemed like the very definition of “manly” smell. So I brought it back to work (bought on my lunch hour) and shared it with my coworkers—all women. I kept saying it was my “man candle.” Hmm. I stopped saying that about half an hour later when I realized the metaphor it was. So, in memory of my faux pas, I made up an ad that could have sold that candle to me. 😉
Captcha: felt57—unfortunately, my day did not involve feeling up anyone, much less 57 someones
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Is cold water causing the blues..or blue balls? Does an undersized hot water tank take the Heat out of your Hunka-Hunka-Burnin’ Love?
NOW available!
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Don’t run out of hot water just when the mood strikes, get our Hours of Shower Power instant HOT WATER heater and water recycling system! SAVE MONEY! BE GREEN! (and not blue!)
Also available: Shower Power Wall Support System, for those heroes who may need a little support to handle ALL your up-against-the-wall lovin’!
Am I the only one outside of a book who’s actually had a bodice-ripping reaction to a scent? I don’t know what he wears, but I know a guy who smells so good I’m just instantly turned on. It’s my excuse for my slut-tasticness when I made out with him in the men’s bathroom of a bar. That and maybe the 6 pints of beer and 3 Jager shots on an empty stomach had something to do with it…
It was the WFTery that romance novels are made of.
moral69 – morals were not in play that day.
*WTFery
“Clean Perspiration”
Look at your man, now back to me. Now your man, now BACK TO ME. Sadly he isn’t me, but if he stopped sweating like a pig and started using Clean Perspiration body spray, he could smell like me. Look down, now back up again. Where are you? You’re in an open field on an estate where a large house party is being held, yet somehow alone with me, the Man Your Man Could Sweat Like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, it’s your dance card, with my name written on every dance. Look again, THE DANCE CARD IS NOW DIAMONDS. Anything is possible when your man smells like Clean Perspiration and not a filthy sweaty animal. I HAVE A MIGHTY WANG.**
If I had a dollar for every time a heroine commented that a man’s perspiration smelled clean, I would not have need a $25 gift card to the bookstore of my choice.
Also, someone earlier asked about sandalwood. FYI, it really does smell amazing.