Kimberly sent me a link to the following cover, and I stared at it for a good ten minutes.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me what happened to this guy? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice, if you can caption this cover and tell me… what went wrong, oh, so very, very wrong?
Standard disclaimer: I have no idea what happened to that man. I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Please see your doctor for an erection lasting more than four hours. Do not taunt happy fun ball. It rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs.
A tale of the bad, the ugly and the Gross CGI
Hm.
“Rio never thought he could get a new lease on life, until the sexy plastic surgeon Fernando offered him the surgery of a lifetime…With the chest of Pamela Anderson and the hair of a beautiful hippie woman, Rio’s love life was given a new package.”
most53 – The most I could get from this is that Ellora’s Cave has anatomically perverted cover artists.
Ok, I didn’t have a clue as to what a “shareem” was…so of course I consulted the mighty Oracle de Google. via WikiAnswers:
Shareem is Muslim which can be roughly translated to “terrorist” in english
There is so much I could do with that information and the cover art…but I’ll let your imaginations have some of the fun.
You could park a car in the shadow of his man-titty.
/With thanks to Thelma & Louise.
Rio never thought he’d get caught with the harem girl. Alas, he did. But who knew that when the Sheik made him a eunich the man titties would grow? Now he doesn’t need to touch the harem girls titties…he can play with his own!
His surgical incison and the bandages gone, Rio lay back with a sigh of pleasure. His shorter torso now allowed him to reach what before his massive torso had denied him. He never agin had to suffer the laugher until he found a woman drunk or desperate enough to disregard his tiny head(s).
OK, Isabel, you win.
Rio took his life and his religion srsly. Like literally. Follow one man’s zealous passion as he creates his perfect mate…fashioned from his own rib.
Gargh…… Apparently still not awake enough to avoid spelling and construction errors….
“She could heal the hurts of his heart, fill the emptiness of his soul…but could Trueth Loveth repair the divot in his side and ease his bulging muscles back into his skin?”
That picture is so disturbing.
The alternate to transgender: The Shareem Tweens. They’re a little bit what you love about both sexes. Extra armpit hair available.
This is what happens when Photoshop Goes Wild. Curly ‘R’ too big? Don’t want it to bleed onto the cover model? Photoshop can handle it. Just shrink the hips by 25% and you’re good to go.
**Disclaimer**Shrinking the size of the font would accomplish the same thing and not make the model deformed. But we don’t recommend that super easy fix.
I really should be finishing up a script I’m writing, but I just can’t seem to help myself…
You know that South Park episode where Cartman sells some junior high boys a picture of some boobs, only it turns out to be his ass cleavage instead? Well…that’s kinda how I feel about this cover…have some fun…show a dude, any dude, the following cropped version of the pic:
[/code]http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x202/BLISSpic/shareemcovercrop.jpg[code]
Then show him the whole thing and have a good chuckle.
I really should be finishing up a script I’m writing, but I just can’t seem to help myself…
You know that South Park episode where Cartman sells some junior high boys a picture of some boobs, only it turns out to be his ass cleavage instead? Well…that’s kinda how I feel about this cover…have some fun…show a dude, any dude, the following cropped version of the pic:
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x202/BLISSpic/shareemcovercrop.jpg
Then show him the whole thing and have a good chuckle.
No, I didn’t mean to comment twice, I am just technically impaired and don’t know how to insert a image in a comment properly.
I do, however, think I could do a better photoshop job than whatever artiste gave birth to the snark du jour.
With apologies to Kafka:
One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in his bed he had been changed into a monstrous Styrofoam mannequin, with Soloflex stamped onto his ass.
Rio, at this point it was so hard to keep upright, with his overly manly pecks that he was forced to lie in wait for his mistresses to do dastardly things to him while he could only lay prostrate on the silk covered bed.
You should never consume the “DRINK ME” beverage and the “EAT ME” cake simultaneously, Alice. Er… Rio.
Her name is Rio
and she wants to be a man
Oh Rio
Rio
You can’t hide double d
With just a tan
As my 6-year-old boy would say, “Stinky Furry Armpits!”
Rio gazed into the fitting room mirror in despair. Bigger man-titty did not make his hips look smaller. Plus, finding a 50 triple F bra was a bitch.
Even worse was contemplating that his girlfriend’s twin Winnebagos were no comparison to his mighty Mount Everests.
It looks like he’s trying to make snow angels on the black satin sheets and got caught mid move.
His name is Rio and he dances in the sand—
His head is tiny though he’s such a manly man—
Oh, Rio, Rio, is the problem in your glands?
Your abs are melting and your manly bits, unmanned…..
There are mild to severe side effects associated with steroid use. Body hair may fall off except for small fungusy looking patches. Ribs may collapse in causing severe pokage of your innards. Your biceps may become larger than your waist. You may experience a shrinking of your head. You may experience a shrinking of your other head. Effects mimic zombie-ism and you may experience the desire to eat live human flesh. Please use with caution.
Rio: Tales of Torso Reattachment Surgeries Gone Wrong
Wanna see how Adam looked after Eve took the rib?
OMG – Pam! Give it to Pam! “is the problem in your glands” – seriously, the best line I’ve read all day.
And for his third wish, he asked the beautiful Genie for a little head.
Phenomenal Cosmic Power….itty bitty thinking space.
But the doctor did such a good job on Heidi. . .
To the double jointed Rio was a God.
To the hairless Rio’s armpits gave hope.
His man titty peaked, his waist petite, his interest she must pique.
Rio regretted his choice to save money going to a third world country for pec implants.
“Dante regretted that he took his self-portrait in the fun-house mirror. He wished he had at least used the stretch mirror. Or manhood-growing mirror. Was there such a thing?”
There are some seriously warped proportions happening there. It is fasicinating like a car wreck – I just can’t look away!
Rio now regretted her steroid use. Sure, she could bench press a truck, but everyone kept calling her “sir” and she suspected that “shareem” was the locals’ word for “she-male”. In desperation, she stripped off her shirt to display her breasts, but everyone was distracted by her new armpit hair.
(Seriously, that is not mantitty. That is womantitty.)
Oh, no, thought Rio. I hope she can’t tell I’ve got gas.
His name is Rio and he’s got a problem gland.
“Oh goody goody! One more X-Lax tab and my waist will be the tiniest in the Shareem!”
Head smaller than your pectoral? Surgical scar from costae-otomy more prominent than your new “ribcage”? Blame the new femdom regime for making every man have the same proportions of a Barbie doll.
Pam! Pam! As I read my way through the comments, the Duran Duran song was winding through my head and I was working on some lyrics, but Pam’s got it cold.
And just, wtf? Do cover artists think we don’t notice?
The hairless hermaphrodites of planet Shareem lived peaceful lives of intellectual indolence until a genetic disease that caused over inflation of their genetically male components and reactivation of the recessive hair genes, resurfaced after thousands of years. Now a group of the afflicted, led by the intrepid Rio, have left the safety of their cities to follow the paths of legend deep in to the desert in hopes of a cure mentioned in ancient tales. Will they succeed or will Shareem become an intergalactic sausage party?
“Life is more fun with Inflatable Men ” – Satisfy every kink no matter which way you swing…