First, from Kristen Painter, My New Pink Button, a dye to down your nether lips (or neither lips, whichever you currently possess) back to a lovely pink, should the normal process of aging and hormonal changes mean that your downthere is a bit more brown or red in color.
A: OMG, this MATTERS?! I’m filing this under ‘Really? You bleach your anus? Why?’
B: I better see some seriously florid and elegant descriptions of nether lips that reference the color. I barely pay attention to what my own hard-to-see parts look like, but I darn well want to know what a romance heroine’s hey-nanner-nanner looks like beneath the hood, k? Synonyms for pink: get on it!
Second, from JKR, I bet this guy cares a LOT about the color of your meat curtains.
Third, from anonymous, who says she is cringing over and over, comes this announcement: the admins of an online fanfic community devoted to Twilight have announced a new publishing company. Of course, yes, they are specializing in romance. After all, how hard can it be?
The twist on this one? Omnific is “a publishing company specializing in the publication of authors with a proven track record of online success in transformative works.”
How does one measure “online success” as a writer of transformative works? Hits? Number of people telling you you’re awesome? The owners of the press really, really liking your stuff?
But the real amazing part for me:
Omnific Publishing is a publishing house with a myriad of resources for author development and promotion, including post submission editing with Certified Editors, associated art development, publication in various media, national marketing, and profitability.
“Post submission editing?” Isn’t that kind of the point? And what exactly is a Certified Editor? Many, I’m told on twitter, are “certifiable” but Certified?
I found one such certification through a site called Grammatika but I’ve never seen that seal of wtf on anyone’s site before, either. Certified by WHOM? Half of their staff is listed as being among the “certified” but no reference of the certification source. Are there certifications for editors I’m not aware of?
Can I declare myself Certified Awesome? Certified Carnival Ride?
If it weren’t so irritating, it would be hilarious.
I think you can declare yourself Certified Smart Bitch. And, if you want to make some money on the side, perhaps you could start a School of Bitchery where BiTs (Bitches in Training, of course) could become fully certified Bitches. There is money to be made with this! Now you just need a logo, mascot, mission statement…
Hey, my main squeeze is happy to get near the “nether” regions that he doesn’t care what they look like, or how they are coloured.
Are they going to come out with a cream for the purple plum of men?
I don’t even want to know what the cream feels or smells like.
spamword: reason42: I can think of at least 42 reasons to avoid this product like the plague:
1. chemicals near my ladybits??
The Editors’ Association of Canada has a certification program that I’m told is well respected. I assumed that’s what was meant here. But if they mean that Grammatika crap . . . ::shudders::
As far as the dye . . . This is surprising, why? In an age where many young men honestly don’t realize women have pubic hair (because there apparently isn’t any in pr0n these days), is it really that big a leap for skin/flesh color to become an issue?
That Twilight fanfic site seems to have a lot of ties to Cassandra Clare. I don’t know too much about the issue, but I thought her name was verbotten in many fanfic communities, you know, due to her habits of plagiarizing and extorting money from her readers. Interesting…
Meanwhile, anyone else want to join me on the Omnific staff page for a little game of Spot the Padded Resume?
Anal bleaching, I understand, is mostly a preference of homosexual males and all porn stars/models. Same probably goes for dying the vulva or any other lower elements.
You know there are surgeons who sculpt the lady parts to be more ‘youthful’. Is there really any doubt that prepubescent but with big fake hooters is the ideal woman we’re all being sold? This is a peeve of mine, akshully.
See, part of my brain is going, well, if people to dye their mouths with lipstick, I guess this isn’t technically any different to that. If aliens landed, they’d probably think they were both pretty odd things to do. And then rest of my brain is busy going WTF? WHYYYY?
Considering I just wrote a book with a serial killer who wears that same King mask, I have to say those pictures gave me a real chuckle.
The BK guy scares the living cr*p out of me. Whenever one of his commercials comes on TV, I run screaming from the room like an arachnophobe who has seen a spider. My husband thinks this is hilarious because I love horror movies…
It strikes me as interesting that Omnific seems to be operating under the assumption that success with “transformative works” in some way equals quality of original works. The problem is that it really doesn’t work that way. Some people are skilled at both fic and original works, but from what I’ve seen most aren’t. That makes the basis of their entire venture pretty shaky.
IOW I won’t exactly be waiting breathlessly for their offerings.
Pink dye for “down there”???
Suuure… apply, wait for allergic reaction to blossom, wash off. Now, I have never even contemplated actually _doing_ this, because I _do_ have allergies, and they are emphatically _not_ fun. And when you develop an allergy, you are stuck with it.
Just imagine scratching the affected area until you bleed. Not exactly conductive to nookie.
Icky is barely the beginning…
Y’all have seen the ad for “Vulva” the true scent of a woman, right? *shudder* I can’t quite decide if it’s a joke or not, and that truly is SAD.
I think the thing to remember when dealing with a lot of the TwiFandom is that for many this is their first real fandom experience so they have little to no knowledge of the wanksplosions that have come before.
I already knew my husband kicks ass, but any time anal bleaching comes up (and if you’re a Dan Savage follower it’s not that rare a topic) I love him even more heartily than usual. I mean, he’s pressuring my to stop dying the prematurely gray hair* on my head. Something about unleashing the SIlver Fox…
*And there’s a lot of it. I started going gray at sixteen, and I’m thirty now and I’m about 50% gray. I swore 2010 would be the year I stopped dying. Plus, better now than when I have a baby a little further down the road—I don’t imagine I’ll want to be waddling around with swollen feet and an aching back and four-inch silver roots.
Silver Fox, activate!
@Cara McKenna
Your husband rocks!!
Oh, he’ll be so excited to know his rockingfulness rated at the Bitchery.
Lori, it’s not just that some people don’t successfully make the jump from derivative to original. It’s that some fan fiction is really popular while still being really bad.
I know a lot of published original fiction is of dubious quality as well, but generally fan fiction gets popular based on a variety of factors not necessarily related to its quality.
Okay. The BK guy just creeps me out. On every level. As for netherparts dying? Yeah, somebody would die for sure for even trying to get close!
Does anyone else see a problem with publishing fanfic? Uhm…copyrights? As if pirates aren’t bad enough, now we have to worry about people taking our characters, doing whatever the heck they want with them, and getting paid to do so? On the one hand, yes, it’s flattering (sort of) when one’s creative endeavours engender such fandom, but…when people take those characters places they were never meant to go? I’m sorry Harry/Draco slash fanfic is all over the place and I don’t know how JK Rowling doesn’t just split her head open from pounding it on her desk.
Cara, your husband deserves the “He rocks!” chorus.
Heh! Spamword is lines56. Yes, there were at LEAST 56 lines crossed!
WTF is a “Certified editor”? I suggest one- , two- , and three-martini Certifications….
@ Liz
Now see, way I see it is if it makes you feel better about yourself, do it, just don’t go to an extreme and don’t lie. I’d have plastic surgery in a heart beat if I could afford it. And NOT just because of weight issues. I have scars on my face due to ingrown facial hairs and adult acne (caused by my PCOS) that I’d love to have lightened/removed for instance.
In fact, I firmly believe plastic surgery should be covered by health insurance so everyone can afford it. Sometimes you can’t fix your inner problems until you fix the outer ones. Sort of like how you can’t fix that huge pothole in the road until you remove the big old dead tree blocking it.
Silver, I think Omnific is only accepting original work. I think you’re right; the authors of the original characters would be out for their blood if they tried to publish fanfic.
Oh man, I am so amused by that link to Omnific. They have plenty of Certified Editors, but you know what they don’t seem to have? Production, publicity, sales, any sort of legal/contracts type of job, accounts payable… I know these things can be folded in to other jobs at a small company, but they have as many editors listed as some major publishing companies, and I can tell you, the editorial staff is the tip of the iceberg. Editing a book is the teeniest tiniest part of publishing it, and being an editor requires a lot more than just knowing how to edit. So, um, I wish them luck with that…
Also, Silver James, they do say they want original works only. So they’re not publishing fanfic. Their FAQ implies that it’s okay to retool fanfic into something original and submit that, but that goes on all the time anyway.
Agreed that the fic-based publisher bears a resemblance to Cassandra Claire; I can’t believe she went from being known as one of the most infamous fic authors out there (not just for the plagarism, but the ‘Draco in Leather Pants’ issues) to bestseller lists. There is no justice in the world.
Melissandra…. where do you find the links to CC?
I survived the HP Shipping Wars, so I know what’s coming if she’s involved (and couldn’t wish it on a better fandom than Twilight).
I’m not seeing the link to CClaire?, though.
Ha! I’m not in HP, but I am a Bitter Old Fandom Queen, and I know exactly what you mean.
I wish I could say the dye stuff was completely insane and sexist, but I know more than one lass that has kicked a lad out of bed and told him not to return until he rid himself of his foreskin.
All I can say is: hey, it isn’t surgery that requires stitches.
Second, the moderated fanfic site and the inclusion of the publishing site is pretty normal for the fandom. It’s been going on since the Star Trek fandom gained speed in the 70’s. My friends mum put her 2 kids through grad school because of stuff like this.
Sure, is isn’t for everyone and the idea of someone going through my writing and ‘fixing’ it makes me bristle, but some writers and readers just don’t care. (Sweet Valley Twins, anyone?)
You guys never read the fictional story about Courtney Cox’s assistant that alleges, again fictionally—well, I suppose you can read it:
http://www.jillsoloway.com/cc.htm
It is VERY easy to open a publishing house. Anyone can do it, literally. What is difficult is to actually be able to make it a profitable, self-sustaining business. To be able to deal with the BUSINESS aspect of it. It sounds so cool to say “I am an editor” … what’s not so cool is having to deal with the bills, with attitudes, etc.
I’ll just watch as I usually do. All those degrees in this and that do not impress me either.
@teshara
Who says she’s got to do it for a man, though? What if she’s doing it for herself? Because it gives her that extra kick of confidence that people keep claiming pretty panties give?
This is just one thing I don’t get. People go around saying a woman can do what she wants with her body, even sell it if she choses, but the minute she wants to get anything akin to plastic surgery or anal bleaching or whatever done then suddenly it’s “Wrong” and “sexist” and “she needs help.” What happened to “Her body, her choice”?
Choices aren’t made in a vacuum. We are all influenced and shaped by society. There is nothing wrong with analyzing and even criticizing those choices and the surrounding societal conditioning.
I can’t think of a non-sexual reason for wanting to dye your hooter, (maybe to match your purse and shoes?) but that’s just me.
Barbara, I went to their parent website http://www.twilighted.net and saw that Cassandra Clare was one of the authors who was closely associated with the site. I don’t know much about the issue, but I did read up on it after her name was mentioned (unfavorably) here. While the Twilight fandom may be new, I still find it interesting that this site did not vet her (or chose to ignore her past history with Harry Potter fanfic). I mean, the issue has it’s own Wikipedia page, for God’s sake, so it’s not exactly an obscure scandal.
Yikes, I think I’d buy the mints (google: linger mints) before the dye. At least you’d get a little something besides a rash from the former.
As far as corresponding Male enhancements? Have you seen that LOLCatz thing with the glow sticks going around. I’m just saying…might keep a fella from stubbing his toe in the bedroom. What is it Alton Brown says? Something about no one trick ponies?
@Miranda
But that doesn’t answer my question.
For example – on a message board a couple of years ago someone posted a link to an article about a college student who was auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder to pay her college tution. Her sister was paying for her college by stripping. In both cases women of the board said “It’s their bodies, they cal sell them if they want to.”
I mentioned in a discussion about breasts that I’d like to have mine reduced a half cup size because no bra fits me properly. (I am, according to Victoria’s Secret, a 38 DDD cup. I’d like to be closer to a DD.) And the skin tightened up so they don’t sag so much. I don’t expect perky, but just a little less saggy. Those same women who said a woman can sell her body to pay for college turned around and told me I “need help” and that I was wrong for wanting plastic surgery. Basically told me I had NO choice when it came to MY body because THEY declared I was “sick in the head” for wanting breast augementation.
Yes, part of it is because I want to look in the mirror and like myself more. The other part is because no amount of diet or execercise will ever fix saggying breasts. (I did the research.) But no matter the reason, I WANT TO DO IT FOR ME. Not for a man. Not for society. For ME.
Which brings me back to my original question.
Why is it that if a woman chooses to say – tattoo her entire body in a paisley print – she can because it’s “her body, her choice.” But if a woman wants to have her double chin liposuctioned off she’s “sick in the head”? Why the double standard. Where is the “her body, her choice” then?
If a woman wants to dye her netherbits then let her. It’s not really any different then putting on lipstick, coloring your hair, or wearing a lace thong.
Melissandre, I have to from a website-owner perspective, it looks like a mutually favorable marketing thing, rather than Claire being behind the whole thing somehow.
That is, _say_ from a website-owner perspective—and one that’s aware of CC from her fandom days. I think it’s fair to focus on the company’s lack of experience as a warning flag, of course, but I’m not sure that an interview and judging sort of thing is the big issue here.
And you could be right, Anon. Like I said, I have almost no participation in any fanfic communities. But even with my lack of participation, I knew Clare’s reputation. As an outsider, her contribution to another fanfic community makes me doubt that community’s credibility. To me, their relationship with her, however tenuous, is also a warning flag; no matter her current success as a published author, she’s tainted in my eyes by her Internet history. I’m sure she’s benefited from advertising and contributing to their site, and I’m sure they’ve benefited equally from her popularity as a YA writer. I merely find it interesting that this site and this fandom has ignored her past reputation. If someone with no involvement with fanfiction is turned off by her involvement, I imagine there are many more writers and readers who have had similar reactions.
That’s interesting about Cassandra Claire, I remember reading her Draco Veritas series and enjoying it only to be surprised later when reading a few comments randomly on the internet about a controversy surrounding her. She did use Buffy quotes within her fanfiction, but always listed them at the bottom of the fic. I remember being underwhelmed by what those commentors years ago listed as her indiscretions, but then again they only mentioned just a few things and there may be bigger issues out there. I was also underwhelmed by her first original work that was published. I only read her excerpt on her webpage, but after enjoying Draco Veritas (right or wrong) I was pretty disappointed in her writing style. So maybe there is something to be said for the controversy afterall. ; )
Although, she completely removed her fanfics from as many sites as possible when she was trying to get get published. Is that normal? Do real authors look down on fanfiction and not want to be seen as attached to the genre? Considering all the published Buffy and Star Trek and Star Wars books, that aren’t written by their original authors it seems like fanfiction can be profitable with the ok from the right people. But if she was taking money from readers as a simple writer posting on fanfiction.net, that would have been a big issue since everything I have ever read always starts with “the characters aren’t mine, I make no money from them, please don’t sue me”
I think I may go read the wikipedia page and re-live my fanfiction fan days of high school, haha : )
Sorry for the off topic!
The dye reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha stops shaving because Smith likes …a mature woman. She soon realizes that she’s turning grey down there, but when she dies it it turns orange. I learned my lesson, strong chemicals and ‘the lady’ should never be too close together! : )
I find this thought pretty depressing. Is the capacity of our mind and spirit so limited that we can never overcome our physical limitations (or certain ones) to live our lives? I can’t help but think that people adjusted in the ages before safe, widespread surgery. Maybe not always well, but they did adjust.
To stretch the road analogy till it cries uncle, maybe the road doesn’t actually need fixing it all. Maybe the road is great as it is—and this part certainly has extra character. And maybe the only thing that’s necessary to do when we’re ready to move on is to walk around it.
This isn’t an arguement for or against plastic surgery for any reason. I think those squads going around fixing cleft lips on children in 3rd countries do fantastic work. Just a little wary of the world view contained within this thought…
Wow. Twilight fandom is really asking for it.
Any publishing company formed from the ranks of a fanfic site that chooses to engage in a symbiotic relationship with Judith Rumelt, (aka. Cassandra Clare, aka. Cassandra Claire, Cassie Claire, CC, formerly Epicyclical and now TheGrayBook on LiveJournal) is *already* engaging in unethical practices by associating with an author who plagiarized several published authors and never admitted it or apologized. Just because she did so without monetary gain does not absolve her of lifting creative property from the writing community and passing it off as her own.
The fact that Holly Black and their agent have helped her to get a career in writing is positively disgusting, and I would never want to be associated with a website that even tangentially benefits from her name.
If you want to read a short summary of the CC Plagiarism Debacle, there’s a short summary on FWW (wiki DOT fandomwank DOT com / index.php / Plagiarism_and_All_That), with links to the longer, more detailed time line at the bottom, listed under the community name bad_penny on JournalFen.net.
As for dying one’s body, I think that many women buy into trends that say something negative about the way we view our bodies, but I wouldn’t personally criticize them for wanting to feel beautiful.
My punch line was very much like yours