Cartoonist Claire Folkman reports on why romance is a crucial element to her personality.
Then there’s this one, sent in by Shaina: An eBook Shopping Holiday Poem from Sheldon, who is sadly spot-on about the fast evolution of electronics.
And – oops – I completely forgot to mention this (blame pneumonia – I’m blaming it for everything this week!) but Penguin’s Project Paranormal, complete with really spiffy retro graphics, featured an extended interview with Marjorie M. Liu talking about the inspiration for her Maxine Kiss series, and a brief overview of the series itself. And me. In hot pink cowboy boots. Talking about stuff I’ve talked about recently here about paranormal popularity, and about the powah of the series. I also predict that faeries are the next trend – though I think I disagree with myself now. (Also, last time I wear a knee length skirt on camera while sitting on a very comfy, deep-set couch OMG. I kept waiting to see my own underwear).
And finally – a few days ago the Bad Sex award winners were announced. The finalists are all online for your reading (and screaming) pleasure. One of them contains the amazing phrase, “Meanwhile, down in Vaginaland….”
The winner was Jonathan Littell for his description inside The Kindly Ones, for a sex scene that included comparison of orgasm to spooning out the inside of a soft-boiled egg.
As Jane from DA pointed out, romance authors who write sex well never get enough credit because it’s far, far too easy to write sexual scenes that make you feel utterly bewildered. I read one this week that included a reference to the heroine’s “sweet muff” that is still befuddling me – though thankfully the hero didn’t say the words out loud.
What sex scenes have been memorable for you, for good or confusing reasons? And is it just me, or do some of the things heroes say in the course of talking dirty in romances (especially erotic romances) just crack you up? Somehow my brain always imagines a computer voice saying the words out loud, instead of a male voice, which automatically makes them hilarious.
I read one once that included the phrase “his spongy tool” and was so horrified I couldn’t continue reading…
I love this website! Every time I come here, I come away with a library list full of books to check out.
I have to say Laurell K Hamilton’‘s sex scenes bug me more than just about anyone’s. At first, her sex scenes were good, hot, steamy, smutty. Now though, it seems so…mechanical. And all that angst. When I read a sex scene I want a sex scene, I don’t want discussions on what room to have the sex in, who gets to be on top, who gets gone down on, whether the heels stay on or off. I also don’t like it when the sex has actually begun , and the author decides to stop and talk about all the relationship problems for 5 pages. Then there’s the whole fact that Anita Blake HAS to have sex now or all the men connected to her could die. Gah!
Nora Roberts writes decent sex scenes, but I’ve noticed she overuses the word “steeped”. Tea steeps.
I definitely love Susan Elizabeth Phillips, I just rediscovered her a few weeks ago, and have been reading her almost exclusively the last couple of weeks. I’ve read alot of talk here about Jennifer Cruise and Kleypas, I don’t think I’ve read those authors, but they are next on my list after I get my SEP fill.
Eurgh, spongy tool? Perhaps that explains all the dripping earlier discussed.
Oh, and Jennifer A., re: mismatched sexxoring apparati, there’s a great (and probably completely mal-paraphrased on my part) quote from the Kama Sutra that goes something like, “The stallion with the mare and the field mouse with the field mouse.” I’ve heard enough small gals complain to Dan Savage on the Savage Lovecast about the not-so sexy issue of their fella having altogether too large a spongy tool to suspect that’s sound advice.
I’m with the Sherrilyn Kenyon and J R Ward fans – at least the sex scenes are part of the plots, as opposed to the plot. Anita Blake I am looking at you.
I read Jonathan Littell’s scene and can’t make my mind up whether a diagram of that would be awful or hilarious. Probably both. I mean how… and where….what is that man doing to the poor woman?
Jennifer A: Your comment reminded me of some specific verbage that annoys the crap out of me, both in books and in real life. It’s when the hero says to the heronie, “You’re so wet” or “You’re so tight”. Because I have to wonder…what woman’s woo-hoo is loose, and if the heroine isn’t wet, you’re not doing your job right. I’ve had guys say these two statements to me, and like reading them, it immediately kills my buzz.
Randi,
interesting. Those two things do not bother me at all. The first because it’s an acknowledgment of how into things the female is and the second because it’s all about the feeling and tight does feel good.
I do have buzz words too, though, so while these don’t irk me I understand the visceral reaction you have to them. Cunt used to be one of them, but I got over that after reading enough erotic romance.
The one I hate with a passion is ‘cunnie’. I don’t care if it’s historically accurate, it either makes me break out in hysterical laughter or makes steam coming out of my ears depending on contect, neither of which is conducive to being ‘into the moment’.
Oh… GOD… stomach… hurts… laughing… Oh my holy God in Heaven. My cheeks are even sore from the strain. The image of a “most honorable penis with a pageant sash” will be forever enshrined in my head. Thank you… thank you.
WORST sex scenes for me are by Laurell K Hamilton; sorry, but anyone who uses the phrase “modified push-up” to sum up what a guy happens to be doing at the time has just lost me completely and shattered my trust in going along for a good ride.
Plus, the screaming ALL THE TIME as if each time were so intense her head was going to fall off (if only that had happened we’d be spared from even more modified push-ups… hmmm… that sounds so nice!)
BEST sex scenes in literature are Jacqueline Carey’s for me. She’s erotic and not one to write on and on for seven – twenty pages to describe one encounter.
Now, for the purposes of erotica I was kinda taken with Sharon Page’s earlier books. Of course, in erotica I don’t mind a seven – twenty page scene. 🙂
Sex scenes bore me silly, akshully. So I don’t read most of them.
But I’ve got a different question – have you noticed the push back on e-readers in general this season? The first year they’re really taking off (after the First Flush Of Kindle) and suddenly I’m seeing cartoons and columns devoted No! Don’t! Just Stop! I Beg Of You, Do Not Do This Thing!!!” Hm. Does all new tech get this treatment at some point? People are still hanging on to vinyl and sniffing at Mp3’s, so it’s not like Books Will Be Taken From Me.
Did lovers of radio speak out against the adoption of television? One wonders. (Spamword talls me it is “Those45” Spamword speaks wisely)
Don’t get me started on “cunnie,” GrowlyCub… though I’ve heard its praises sung zealousy at various romance writer workshops on the topic of “what to call our junk.” Sadly, that was not the actual name of any of the workshops.
I think this is part of what I like about erotica—fewer flowery euphemisms. Not that cunnie’s necessarily a euphemism. But fewer globes and pearls and manroots and velvet gloves of heat. Call me an animal lover, but there’s nothing wrong with cocks and pussies.
Cara,
really? They tell authors to use it in workshops on writing? ARRRGGGH… whoever teaches that needs to have their writer’s license revoked!!!
Spamword fire94, yes those ‘teachers’ need to be fired 94 times!
GrowlyCub: I get what you’re saying, but I still don’t see why they have to be said out loud.
Per the “wet” phrase, in real life, guys always say it like they’re pleasantly shocked. “My god! You’re so wet! Woot!” LOL. Yes. Yes, I KNOW I’m wet. Telling me all about it with that suprised inflection in your voice only makes me go…huh? So when I read a hero saying that phrase, it always reminds me of these guys who are so surprised.
As for the tight thing: yeah, I *get* that tight is good. But when isn’t a woman tight? I just don’t get this at all. Did they expect a gaping hole? LOL. I’m laughing while I write this because I…JUST…DON’T…GET…IT! hahahah.
GrowlyCub—I wouldn’t say they tell people to use “cunnie” specifically, but it gets listed as a historically acceptable term. Not my realm of expertise—I just know the word makes my petal-soft skin crawl.
We all get to have our bug-bears, I suppose. Personally, I’m sick of heroines wearing lacy thongs and name-brand heels all the time and getting their hoo-has shaven, but whatcha gonna do? My only power of protest is letting my own erotica heroines keep their boring old bikini briefs and Mary-Janes.
Okay, so, two things (or maybe more!).
I totally agree with the Kleypas fans, her scenes are usually pretty steamy- I picked up Again the Magic after not reading romance novels for over a year, and it kind of blew my mind. It’s not her best work, but it’s definitely not bad! Tracy Anne Warren also writes some great sex scenes, though I think I may just enjoy them more because they also come with a ridiculous plot. Ridiculous plots are the BEST.
I know that I may get seriously slammed for saying this, but some of the worst sex scenes I’ve read have been Julia Quinn. Her earlier stuff was not bad, but that first scene when Michael and Francesca finally hook up is absolutely painful. All the nipple grabbing and naked dancing… it’s like a bad Skinemax late-night feature film. Others might not be that bad, but they are just dull… at least if it’s bad, it can be hilarious, but when it’s boring? There’s no hope.
One more thing- there is one HILARIOUS moment in Kleypas’ Secrets of a Summer Night where she compares Annabelle’s (the heroine’s) attitude in bed to a “playful seal.” The visual on that is AWESOME, mainly because they are not submerged in water at the time.
Kresley cole writes the most amazing sex scenes, and with every IAD book they just get better. i mean wooo you can’t read that stuff on the bus anymore!
i like kelly armstrongs, too, though there aren’t many, and i especially love the pancakes scene in stole lol.
the sex scene (was it actually a scene, I don’t remember) in wicked was weird. I maintain that men cannot write from a woman’s perspective. especially when it comes to emotion.
I’m sure alot of the words used in today’s historicals romances are totally out of place and anachronistic but I think it’s pretty hard or at least hardly sexy to use actually period phrases to describe a sex scene or anatomy. I’m not a stickler for that type of detail. I care more about how the author carries out the scene rather than what word is used to describe the “sweet muff.” lol.
ooh! wait! I have another one!
I know how the cage bird sings
I realize its a rape scene and isn’t supposed to be sexy, but maya angelou describes a black man’s penis as a brown corn cob and I was just like wow never going to forget that picture. did a good job of horrifying her audience!
sexy was this one point in never seduce a scoundrel by sabrina jeffries, when amelia is enjoying foreplay with major winters and she doesn’t understand the building up of her orgasm and he says something to the effect of “I know what you need. you need release. or as we vulgar Americans say, you need to come” im sorry that is just HOT! wooohooo for vulgarity! (that isn’t offensive or demeaning loL)
Delilah Marvelle also does sexy pretty well too, though I can’t remember any at this moment since its been a while that I ‘;ve read her stuff. Sign i should re read!
also, I too enjoy the words cock and pussy, although pussy used to sound so gross. but now it just connotates (in my mind anyway) wetness and i think it should be wet there. if the hero didn’t say you’re so wet I’d be wondering, hey is she dry? is this going to hurt?
i don’t like the word cunt though. its just a harsh sound i think.
and this is a bit off point, but don’t you just love it when heroes swear? when they make liberal use of the f word? its so manly! lol
haha spam word is food 37! I LOVE food!!
@ Cara Davies:
I believe that would be Diane Whiteside. I don’t think I made it through that one, but I remember the some of the scenes in The Irish Devil definitely veered into overdone, bad-sex-scene territory for me.
Yes, thanks Tracyleann! It was Diane Whiteside. Very oozy stuff. The characters were sort of interesting, but most of it took place on a train, I believe (in Northern Devil) and I got a bit bored… It was stuck in that nebulous territory between romance and erotica—either I wanted there to be less story and pretty much all sex, or I wanted there to be enough story for it to have a meatier plot. It was like I didn’t know what I was reading.
Reading this and thinking about it some more, I started to realize like liz m, I tend to skim over most perfunctory sex scenes. (The scenes there to have a sex scene rather than to develop the character(s) more.) If I’m in the mood, it can heighten the feeling for me (depending on the writer), but very rarely have I not been in the mood, read one, and gone “where is my vibrator?”
Weirdest word for me: va jay jay. I first heard it in the Vagina Monologues ( I think its southern, but not positive), but it just strikes me as too childish. And vaj just sounds weird. And…ok, I find most euphemisms either weird or insulting. And the penis doesn’t have many good ones either.
And, if we’re just talking about sex in romances, when the hero is getting a blow job and he stops the heroine cause “people in love come together”, aka “the heroines must always orgasm first”, it just stretches the bounds of my willing suspension of disbelief. Sometimes it works but mostly they are just following the rule and it comes off as unrealistic.
Kati: I agree, I think JR Ward did really good with Z’s sex scenes. For the same reason Joely Skye does well done sex scenes. The heroes are not comfortable with sex because of past abuse, and as the books progress they become so in a somewhat realistic (if fastened) pace.
Jennifer Armintrout: ROTFLMAO! You are full of awesomeness.
I have to 5th or 6th Kelypas, I’ve always enjoyed her scenes and Jayne Krentz, especially the Amanda Quick novels (even if she DOES get a little oceany,foamy,smelly at times). But for my particular kink, Laura Kinsale’s ShadowHeart is the epitome of Ds romance. Everything else I’ve read is either too silly, making me laugh, or too straight porn, making me squick. Mostly I read the sex scenes to get to the next part.
None of the sex scenes that I really remember are for good reasons, but then I’m just starting to read romance and have found only one book so far that I actually enjoyed and *didn’t* want to chuck across the room a couple times before I was done reading it.
Anyway, the bad: One book had fairly hot scenes, which were constantly disrupted by the fact that the author decided to *make up her own special italicized science-fictiony words* for the characters’ genitals. Thanks to that, as well as never really being certain if the use of “nether lips” indicated labia or buttcheeks, the sex was every bit as confusing as it was hot, and I swore never to read anything else in that series.
Another one described the heroine’s losing her virginity as “a poke and some blood and a startling sensation of invasion,” then went on to have such flowery, blarghtastic sex scenes that I think at one point there may have been unicorns, rainbows, and Lisa Frank stationery shooting out of her vagina.
AgTigress, in general you are correct. People who sit on a council are councillors. But the privy council exists to offer counsel to the monarch, and thus they are always known as privy counsellors, as on the official website: http://www.privy-council.org.uk/output/page76.asp
One of the funniest, tenderest and sexiest love scenes I’ve read in 25+ years is between Dag and Fawn at the beginning of ‘The Sharing Knife: Legacy’.
I makes me feel warm and fuzzy every time I read it. I highly recommend TSK1 (Beguilement) and 2 (Legacy). 3 (Passage) and 4 (Horizon) are good too but less romance focused.
Oh, such a fun topic! Generally love:
Hoyt, Chase, Kinsale (the scene with the cherry liqueur in the Shadow & the Star? HOT! and they don’t even do the deed!), of COURSE Carey (not even in the same league, really, so it seems a little unfair), Duran… lots more, but those spring to mind first because I’ve read them recently. I like tortured heroes and snappy heroines. =)
This is killing me though, because I can’t remember the title or author of one of my favorites for multiple scenes over the course the relationship because they’re so warm and funny but also really intense—a relatively recent Regency, I think from a pretty well-known author, and the hero and heroine do the deed outdoors on a mossy bench in the ruins of an old Roman bath, and she’s watching these birds fly above them at the same time, and it’s SO GOOD. She was supposed to marry someone else and ends up marrying the hero—a Kleypas maybe? I can’t remember… anyone?
I do often prefer the delicately hinted fade to black scene, because you can get your romantic thrills from it in a way I feel like is hard to sustain in really good erotica. These shouldn’t really compete in this category though, since that’s more how to right a really excellent *absence* of a sex scene!
La Nora’s are never squicky, but I do flip past occasionally as they get a little same. It’s always so intense and perfect! Most of the paranormals I can do with out—anything where pack dynamics or blood lust take a front seat to actual lust loses my interest real fast.
And of course, vintage Coulter FTW (or I guess, for the loss) for BAD. That said, they’ve stuck with me for years (along with lots of Judith McNaught) so apparently there was *something* there along with all the cream and angst. *eye roll*
I always thought it was strange how Regency (and other historical) heroines are forever galloping about the countryside on their beloved horses, yet they all bleed when they lose the big V. Doesn’t strenuous activity detach the hymen with some frequency? Has anyone read a romance where a historical heroine is a virgin but doesn’t bleed after the initial sexxoring? Man, that’d be some good conflict. She’d have some major ‘splaining to do.
Figured it out—Eloisa James, Much Ado About You, and one of the only James books I really adore. And Cara, I’ve read quite a few (and there usually is some ‘splaining) including one just recently in which the hero is just sort of like, huh, that was odd. I wish I could remember the title, I recall almost feeling deprived by the lack of resultant drama! Apparently today is not my day to remember books though.
Spamword soon49… I’m nowhere near 49, but maybe menopausal memory loss is hitting early? 😉
I wonder if it isn’t just that men writing literary fiction get more attention from (male) critics full-stop, compared to female writers. There was an article in the Guardian about that recently, though focused on “popular fiction”.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2009/nov/11/dont-patronise-popular-fiction-women
As I said on my own blog when I posted the Bad Sex link, if I’m honest, I don’t much see how these literary sex scenes differ from literary writing in general. Many people find it lovely; I generally find that it’s trying too hard (and therefore coming across as extra awkward in the sex parts). Which is why I’m not a literary writer…
*snigger* there’s 69 comments…
Roberta Gellis used that in two of her historicals, Roselynde and Joanna.
I don’t think that’s all that unrealistic- I’ve been with guys who considered that to be just part of the foreplay, and would stop things mid-blow job to get to the real action.
Spamword: include52. Um, no. 52 is way too many.
Best sex scenes…Kresley Cole, Sydney Croft and Lynn Viehl – in no particular order.
Viehl wrote a scene in Lucan and Sam’s book – yowza! And another scene between Michael and Alex in another book in the same series (Darkyn), I just can’t remember – may have been in Lucan and Sam’s book also – made me so hot, I….
I’m with others…flowing juices, weeping, dripping down legs – ugh. Oh, and using baby at any time is just plain wrong.
I’d like to read about a hero with a really small wiener that gives superb head. Nah, I wouldn’t.
Was it Taboo by Jess Michaels? Gorgeous picture of the back of a corset in a pale green on the cover?
@kate myers
I just had to shout out the Lisa Frank reference. <3.
Also, perhaps we should start some sort of SB database for quoting about terrible sex? Because then I would a) never get any work done and b) have a GREAT excuse to seek out the worst possible sex scenes. It’s more fun when you get to share!
Taboo was also the title of a book by Susan Johnson, whose early historical novels were so hot and sexy they redefined the genre for me…
Add me to the Kleypas list—she creates great chemistry and such a strong sense of place that the sex scenes seem very natural.
What I like in general is when the couple is so attracted to each other that they are willing to push boundaries and taboos…whether it’s just bringing the romance out in the open or trying new things in the bedroom.
What I don’t like—well, I’ve never read a Crusie, and I don’t think I’m gonna start based on the descriptions here, having been married to a man who was embarrassed about sex *years* into the marriage. Just a personal preference, but awkward moments will never be sexy to me.
Re “Wet and Tight”—I’ve gotten those comments before, and I too was confused…so I started asking male friends (womanizers included) about it. What they say is that, yeah, some women are wetter and tighter, and basically are a better fit for a peen than others. We are *not* all the same inside!!!
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@CaraDavies – Loretta Chase’s Miss Wonderful has exactly that plot point.
If a guy actually said “Woot!” to me during sex, I’m not sure if I’d die laughing or be utterly charmed. Maybe both. I’m such a nerd.
Reading through those Bad Sex Award nominees… oh dear Lord. The Amos Oz one was just boring, until it got to the “breasts of a twelve-year-old girl” part, at which point I had one of the strongest DO NOT WANT reactions ever. And the “Mr. Condom” one made me think of an imaginary safe-sex campaign (with apologies to Terry Pratchett): “When Mr. Condom is not on, Mr. Penis is not your friend.”