In honor of this year’s Bulwer Lytton prize winners for 2008, it’s time, I think, for the worst first line in a romance novel competition. I know there is a “romance” category in the real Bulwer-Lytton, but given the depths (hur) of your creativity, there needed to be more.
You know the drill: give us your original works of horrid first line art, that you yourself wrote, as awful and excellent as possible please! Comments are open for 24 hours, so leave your first line of awesomeness there. I’ll be doing something different this time around, though: in the comments, we’ll take nominations for the finals. So if you see a first line there you like, nominate it for the finals, and I’ll post the final slate of top-nominated first lines for final voting.
First prize: $25 gift certificate for the bookstore of your choice (Powell’s or Amazon), plus Romance Novel Poetry Kit for your eternal amusement while you stand at the fridge wondering if you’re hungry or just wanted to feel a cool breeze.
Second prize: Something Awesome. I’m not at the Prize Suitcase right now but there’s awesome in there, I promise.
Third Prize: see above!
Why The Henley Bodice Prize? Because Virginia Henley wrote some marvelously bizarre and downright screeching first scenes for her novels, with some great first lines, particularly my favorite, Dream Lover:
As the perfectly formed, timeless shape of the rounded head emerged, still glistening with wetness, Emerald couldn’t take her eyes from it.
Bring it on!
Last one before I go to work:
Danielle couldn’t figure out why she’d gotten such tepid responses from her girl pals after her email announcing her engagement, until she realized that her “e” key had been on the fritz for a while, and they should have seen that “Codee is humane, quiets folks in turmoil—and eases yours truly through it all!”
Melysse whimpered softly as the livid length of the engorged beast twitched towards her helpless, exposed form. His appetites were legendary, and she knew she would have no defense against him. She could only submit and hope the pain would not be too unbearable. She had preserved her honor against so many who would have taken it, and all for naught.
What good was honor when you were about to be devoured by a giant snake?
More funny nominations:
Ellie’s ‘Victoriana’, ‘Rutger’ and ‘Count Orvalie’
Karen’s ‘God’s gift’
Lyvvie’s ‘Captain Armatey’
MS Jones made me burst out laughing with the “bustle rustling” in the Ballad of the Bodacious Bust
Darn it, they’re all funny!
Have to add another voice for Carrie Lofty, and one for AnimeJune’s awesome “rake” thing.
I’d totally read the telepath book.
I have both my parent’s toes; a seemingly insignificant matter, unless I also tell you that my father’s long, sender digits grace my left foot, while my mother’s short stubby wonders woefully complete my right, leaving it two sizes smaller than its mate, an anomoly hidden easly enough by shoes and a wad of tissue, but how was I to hide such grotesqueness from Dr. Scholls, the newly arrived podiatrist with the ‘don’t tread on me’ swagger, a ‘these boots were made for walking’ gleam in his eye and a ‘curl those mismatched appendages’ smile, as he sat down on the physicians stool, reached for my leg with a warm carress that set my heart to dancing in my chest with pleasure and said, “Now, let’s have a look at those little piggies.”
Holy mackerel, these are all excellent, every single one! And I’d read them all, they’re hilarious!
My vote/nom, if I have to choose:
-AnimeJune’s rakes story. OMG hilarious!
But these are also great and I must vote for them too:
-Malin’s “ready to pounce” entry
-Suze’s “Miyuki” entry
-Laura’s wind-powered turbine entry OMG
-Gail S.‘s “Iridia” entry, for the pencil erasers
-Ellie’s “June bugs” entry
-Anony Miss’s “titular” entry
-Lyra’s “The Pirate Rogue’s Nordic-Ethiopian Bride” entry
-All three of MS Jones’s entries (Bodacious Bust, Foot Fetish, Blood-Stained Glass)
-Elizabeth Wadsworth’s contemporary category.
I vote for the “Rake” first, then the “Shovel”.
Just read Carrie Lofty’s mole-digging member submission to the hubbster. He said, “That was absolutely horrible.”
Now he’s asking if I’m telling on him and wants me to add, “In a good way.”
What a sweet guy, eh?
I think that’s another nomination!
Thanks for the kind words. 🙂
Can I nominate Lyra’s titles? Those had me ROFL after a very long day at work.
Oh, and since we can do more than one entry, here are a few for some under-represented variations, tongue planted firmly in cheek.
URBAN:
Kandi fired off the last 30-second burst from Desert Eagle Pins had modified the day before, before she kicked through the open window of the tourist’s car that had been stupid enough to stop for a red light in the ‘hood, absently noting the now-unconscious driver just might be worth a tumble before she popped a cap in his ass.
PARANORMAL HISTORICAL:
Mellisande d’Alagnace listened fearfully to the snorting and snuffling outside the thick oaken tower door, crossing herself and praying that this time it would be some great hunting hound instead of the Duc du Beringion, the man-beast bent on plundering her maidenly virtues and vast tracts of land.
ROMANTIC COMEDY:
“Isn’t it funny,” Jules mused as she hung from the second-story eaves, “how something as seemingly unconnected as a broken heel, lutefisk and the true identity of Emperor Norton could possibly result in a middle-aged single mother dangling her drawers in front of an entire RWA convention panel?”
EPIC FANTASY:
Mort slowly released the suddenly warm arm of the statue of the Goddess of Beauty and Lust, took three steps backwards and ran screaming into the forest.
I like the ending of Elizabeth Wadsworth’s historical, where the heroine
It’s such a lovely take-off on Bridget Jones and all the chick lit heroines who eat sweets and read novels while the men act like adolescents—the mention of Chretien de Troyes’ makes me giggle.
Natasha Ivanovna ran down the stairs to the store underneath the family’s second floor apartment, her thin nightgown fluttering around her, coming out through the inventory room to see a man in a warm-up jacket splashing petrol on the shelves of liquor and the hulking, powerfully built form of Mitya “Meaty” Bronapolski looming threateningly over her father fixing to strike a match, when he turned toward the sound of the door opening and lost all interest in the task at hand, fixing her with the hungry look of a wolf watching a doe with a limp in his shrewd, considering eyes.
Actually, that’s not awful. Long for one sentence, but not awful. Pretty good, really.
Damn it.
I nom nom nom Elizabeth’s P&P;paranormal, MS Jones’ Blood-Stained Glass, AnimeJune’s rake, Anony Miss’ “titular,” and Ellie’s Duke of Mahntitte. Teh ROFL-copters have lahnded!!
Evangelina, Marchioness of Pectoralis Manor, leaned over her balcony and contemplated the prospect with a sigh; her Latin was sub-par for her Argentinian relocation and she’d been quite unable to parse what, exactly, Andreas, the gardener, had told her; but he was absolutely deserving of another semi-colon, she thought, and as many commas as he needed, as she leaned a little further over the over-wrought-iron railing, her beauteous orbs o’erstraining her decolletage, as the South American sun—so different from the European one she’d grown up with!—burned her creamy chest a buxom shade of taupe, and the monkeys cried in the distance; and the delightful Andreas’s distant cries of “Senora! Es un chupacabra!” fell like like Latin rain on her ears.
No idea what this was about but if it inspired this I’m voting for it.
#1 – Oops, it didn’t copy for some reson, but it was the one about the sunrise in a French village and the dead hamster.
#2 – Mama had always insisted that chasing after men was vulgar. Thus, Sophie – instead of stalking her man as would have been more convenient – was obliged to lay in wait along pathways, ready to pounce.
Elizabeth Wadsworth’s Historical with Lady McAllister
Carrie Lofty’s penis-mole
MS Jones’ Ballad of the Bodacious Bust
Laura’s wind-powered turbine hips
In the darkness of her room, Clarice thought of the day of her engagement when the maid had compared the size of the Duc’s machinery to a pepper grinder, and holding the pepper grinder against her body she wondered how she would be expected to move her lungs and liver out of the way for her betrothed.
Brilliance as usual by those who entered but I’m nominating:
Leo “Nasty” Houston by Carrie Lofty (that was so wrong, yet somehow so right)
Vamp Pride and Predjudice by Elizabeth Wadsworth
Anime June’s ‘Rake’
and
Regency Near Miss by Esri Rose
Had Madeleine, the late Duchess of Indbruach, currently cocooned in prickling straw beneath the glistening, urgent torso of Henry the stable lad, known where this illicit affair would lead – the questions in the House, Uruguay’s ignominious withdrawal from the World Cup, the rendition flights, and that in the eyes of the law she now clutched the Dowager Countess of Marmsly – she would have probably brought a blanket.
Since we were encouraged to vote early & vote often:
Esri Rose for “I’ll eat your nadgers on toast.” I’m going to use that at work tomorrow on someone, somehow.
Lyra for “proper place for a woman was strapped to the helm of his pirate ship as an ornament.” This one was wonderful because the cover sprang instantly to mind in technicolor, ribbons flying, possibly seagulls freaking out glory.
And Marna for her subtle Monty Python references. Vast tracks of land indeed.
Ah, a challenge. I likes a good challenge….
As the sun set below his beachfront mansion and Kyle strummed yet another love song in a voice as smooth as melted chocolate, Tiffany wondered that as handsome and rich as Kyle clearly was, could she ever marry a man who played air guitar in public?
Bob hoped this blind date would be better than the last one who grilled him about his past not like a young Japanese chef with a sushi-grade tuna steak barely seared on the outside and tender on the inside, but with the brutal and determined thoroughness of his Aunt Gerda armed with a pan full of pork chops and a pathological fear of salmonella.
Bruce left a lasting impression, like those memory foam mattresses – sure, he was a bit dense and quick to mold to anyone who put pressure on him, but he offered firm support and automatically adjusted to weight fluctuations which more than made up for the occasional bit of off-gassing.
LOL, I like Bruce the mattress!
Here’s a contribution from my darling DP (apologies in advance)…
These ar so-o-o-o bad they are WONDERFUL!!
My vote goes to:
#1. Carrie Lofty’s moist snouted mole
#2. Elizabeth Wadsworth’s paranormal homage to P&P;#3. Marna’s telepath
I’ve nearly fallen off my chair so many times, rolling in laughter.
BTW – I think I’ve met Bruse the mattress
Here are my nominations. These cracked me up!
Anony Miss’ entry:
Lyra’s entry:
Phadem’s entry:
Laura’s
entry
Elizabeth’s Wadsworth’s PARANORMAL entry:
Ellie’s entry:
Lyvvie’s entry:
“I am a freshman at a small northeastern college.” – Rene’s husband.
I wrote these pitiful attempts at romance when I was in high school. *Hiding face*
1. He knew the moment the doorbell rang to the tune of the Keep a Knockin’ that he would love her forever.
2. It really is the size of a vienne sausage she though, and desperately tried to keep a straight face.
What, nominations are still open? Apparently I can’t count to 24 hours!
Okay, so must also nominate…
AnimeJune’s “time of the month” vampires (except, again, this sounds like a GOOD book, hmm…)
Laura’s “hybrid” love
MT’s short and to the point (oh, I crack myself up) “shovel” (although, again, I would read this one…)
Malin’s little “itch”. Her “chasing men” one is also great, but alas, is more than one sentence.
Marna’s “vast tracts of land”, for sure!
Alex Ess’s “pepper grinder” which made me snort.
Pamela’s “Salmonella”
And certainly Rene S’s use of semi-colons. Delightful.
“Peter Illich VI sighed with disappointment: this date was just another unfortunate girl whose enormous boobs contained all the fat intended to make her brain.”
“All Mariella could think while she was introduced to the CEO was that his wife had taken the phrase ‘the bigger the hair, the closer to god’ to heart, and her beehive was dangerously close to getting caught in the ceiling fan.”
Alyssa sighed mightily; the books had prepared her for the rapturous sensations of the pounding, overwhelming male warrior within her, but had failed to take into account that, like all other warriors of the present day, the job could now be much more efficiently done by technology and not a large, fleshy, fallible and inefficient government employee such as the one now seated on the edge of the bed and lamenting his decision to see his analyst before attempting, with minimal success, to remove her panties.
More nominations:
Rene S – ‘Pectoralis Manor’
Alex Ess – ‘pepper grinder’
SonomaLass – ‘illicit affair without blanket’
Pamela – ‘air guitar’, ‘grilling’ and ‘matress’
SonomaLass’ DP – ‘beneath her station’