This week: costume drama, as in ‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’
Sarah: Between the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest, I had to giggle. The ice dancing puff-shouldered heroine was worth a snort, too. But the incredibly bendy legs of the horse? Oh, holy shit.
Candy: Miss Manners on graceful abduction-on-horseback etiquette: “Gentle abductee: The new rage when being pulled off your feet by frilly-shirted men on horseback is to struggle for freedom, but it seems to Miss Manners that this new development lacks a certain couthness and grace. Try arching your back to present a flattering profile, and remember to keep that pinkie up. Packing your own fan to ensure your tresses stream behind you is, however, gauche at best, and implies that your abductor does not know his job. In this particular instance, Miss Manners would like to gently remind you that natural is best.”
Sarah: Nobody forgets the nude dude at the garden party, that’s for sure.
Candy: Titles that were briefly contemplated for this cover before being discarded:
“The Nudist and the Drag Queen”
“Is That Really a Third Nipple?”
“Still Life with Schlong and Potted Geranium”
“For the Love of a Dead-Faced Hooker”
Sarah: Nothing but NOTHING says “Scottish” like slops. And purple hose. In the ocean.
Candy: What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest? Are they supposed to be chest hair? I mean, I have full sympathy for artists trying to depict chest hair without making it look smudgy, but seriously: the bits on his sternum look like grease paint. The better to accentuate his top-notch man-titty?
Ahhhh, cover snarking from the ebay bargain bin! I live for these posts! And kudos to dangrgirl for coming up with the funniest damn thing I’ve seen in ages outside of the original versions of these covers. My hat’s off to you!
Priceless! LMAO! Thank you, thank you!
The large print proclaimeth; the small print explaineth.
1. “A Magnificent Novel of Love and War—On the Wings of Burning Desire, They Soared Beyond Love’s Ecstasy”
See, now this justifies every pose and expression—even the horse’s.
2. “Author of over 7 million books in print!”
This means the popular Ms. Neri can have any shit on her covers she chooses, and people will still buy the books. So there.
3. “She Melted Beneath His Rough Touch”
And thus is the mystery of the chest smudge solved! If the Scotsman’s touch can melt a grown woman, it’s certainly hot enough to scorch his own sternum and raise enormous blisters on his abdomen!
Good Lord! Methinks the Scandals girl does some bench presses between china painting and garden walks with nude gentlemen.
actually, to me it looks like the scottish guy is getting moldy…
i thought they hire actual models to base these things on. does the artist ever get to see these models?
security word: past24…hmm…past sounds about right…
Good God you guys have me crying here. I’m laughing so loud I’m actually getting an ab workout. Thanks, I needed it…more, please!
CANNOT stop laughing…loved the Miss Manners bit…How bout the pant stain right above that “leg goiter” on the first one? Any suggestions…lol?
Oh my goodness. I know I read that ‘Scandals’. Does it say anything that when I originially read it, the cover was considered a bit risque?
LOL, although after visiting the local bookstore, it seems that some covers have come a long way. Back in the day, those covers would have had the ladies blushing!
The woman in No. 1 seems to have a deformed left hand. The horse seems to have a deformed front left leg.
What is this, A Passion for Plutonium?
i’m in a costume design program and i just spent the last four months working at the costume shop for a historical re-enactment site. i even made a puffy shirt!!
strangely, the garish garb on the covers of my romances have never bothered me, even when rife with error. i suspend my disbelief willingly because i am a HUGE FAN of the clinch cover.
JenTurner – you are not alone.
New Title: You can leave your gloves on
BTW, partnering Joey on the Scottish cover is Rose McGowan.
Must have been before their TV careers took off…
dangrgirl
OMG. I haven’t laughed this hard in a verra verra long time.
Thank you!
Dangrgrl, YOU ARE THE BEST! I’m blogging that puppy.
I thought he was using her knee and leg to protect his manhood once whoever they were looking at got aload of those pumpkin britches he is wearing.
Looked up A Passion for Glory. It first came out in 1986, and was then reissued in hardback (same cover), in 1991, by a different publisher. Looked on Amazon.com, and it sounds great. Fuck it. I bought me a copy. Maybe I’ll make a dust cover with Dangrgrl’s art. 😀
Cover 1—has she got a huge utility belt with a ginormous key-ring hanging off it?? Like Bride of Schneider??
Cover 3—man, they’ve gotta get some DNA testing done because they HAVE to be siblings.
werd: audience87 ummm… prolly way more…
Carry on!
I think the first one’s my favorite. We’ve got a demon horse, a swooning or ice skating woman (you choose), and a hero that appears to be falling off his horse.
That definitely says romance to me.
I’ve been away most of the summer and I missed this place! Thanks for the laughs!
I love all these old covers. I think they are fantastic! I could just laugh for days looking at them. They are just so wonderfully ridiculous.
Candy! Titles not chosen made me die laughing. I would read this book if it were about a drag queen finding lurve amidst scandal …perhaps I will write it. (Doesn’t help that I’m up to my eyeballs in 20s and 30s gay social history right now, so I’d like to be writing about it in a non-academic manner.)
Thank you ladies for a good laugh.
My daughter always calls guys wearing those ‘pumpkin’ pants “M’sieur Poufy Pants”….can’t watch an Elizabeth historical without snickering.