Ok, this book has nothing to do with one of the prizes, but I have an ARC to give away, and this cover makes me feel verry verrrry creative. And really, there is no law at Smart Bitch HQ that says I have to make any sense. Whee! So, two prizes, one contest, and my thanks to April for the linkage and the original question.
Take a look at the picture below the fold. In the comments, tell me what he’s looking at. A few words, a narrative, a poem, whatever. Just tell us what he’s looking at. The two best winners as judged by you all and yours truly will win either (a) a copy of Rhonda Nelson’s The Hell Raiser and The Loner OR (b) my ARC of C.L. Wilson’s King of Sword and Sky (which is due out in October). The fabulous folks at The Dorch sent me a digital copy and a paper copy, and when I asked and said “Please,” they said it would be spiffy to give my paper ARC away to one of you lovely readers. Comments expire in 24 hours.
So, on your mark, get set, and tell me: What’s he looking at?! What’s he saying to himself?
“Fuck! You shaved me while I was passed out!?”
after35. That really says it all. Maybe he should have stopped at 30. Or 5.
Luc eased his hulking, toned and bronzed body closer to the fire. Damn, he hadn’t had a woman in days and his work as a private investigator, bon vivant and Navy SEAL focusing on seductive aquatic vampires was making him feel something.
Something. That something was horny.
There was something about the aquatic vampire girl he had just tussled with. Her lips had been full, rich and green and he inwardly sighed as he thought about her full, limpid black eyes and her fluttery soft gills. Damn. He’d never felt like this before.
His mind wandered back to the fight and the cursed amulet she had scraped against his chin before Delta Team pulled him up. The look, the way she pouted. Damn. He felt like molten lava was rushing through his veins, like he was the one ready to devour her.
He moaned as he released himself from the towel and stood aback, gasping from desire, limp from confusion. A blaze of light filled the empty room and he was certain that little minx had something to do with it, he thought as he gazed down at his now-puzzling manhood. Whatever it was from the amulet had changed things. Damn. In his whole military career, he knew that that was his rifle, this was his gun…but whatever had happened—the glowing, the swelling—was certainly not for fun.
A smile creased his manly face. I’m coming for you, kitten. With that he moaned and sighed thinking of that little undersea vampire vixen, her little blue tongue, her fangs, her sassy wriggle, spending himself as he swore he’d spend a night in her arms, amulet be damned. He spilled his very essence, spent, eyes closed, not noticing the fire spreading forth. As the room blazed high, he could only dream of her smile. Yeah, he’d get up in just a minute. Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Nothing I could come up with would be as good as BevQB’s Chest, Nuts..
From here on out, I will always hear Chestnuts roasting as Chest, Nuts roasting.
Great.
Really. Great one, BevQB. 🙂
That certain former president was wrong! Oral does count as sex! How else can you catch an STD from it?
(This is the third time I’ve tried to post this one so sorry if the other two tries do turn up out of the ether and we’re in repeatsville.)
bath teim – yur doin it rong
Wow, this is so soft. All natural fibres? I wonder what kind of fabric softener they use. Must remember to ask…
A shower, a hot cup of coffee—that’s what he needed to chase away the full-on hangover that a bottle of Tequila had left behind as its parting gift.
He glanced down.
He froze.
The first thought in his mind was, “How the hell did they keep the lines straight tattooing _that_…”
The second was, “Who the $*#& is Raoul?”
“‘I’ll piss on the fire and make it higher’
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.”
My humps My humps
My little manly bumps
What am I gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside my trunk
I am going to hump, hump, hump
Look at my lovely manly bumps
(Check it out)
My love, My love
are you going to check out my bumps and my lovely manly trunk
All the girls think Im sexy especially with my snakey
Lets hump, Lets hump
gonna fill you with my manly trunk
Good gawds—that’s not MY wedding tackle!
Quoting from one of my books.
“It’s still there… kind of had me worried when she said her name was Lorena”
Trash = Rash
“Wearing nothing but a towel? – check.
Covered in vaseline? – check.
Sense of alcoholic remorse? – check
Brand new, ill-advised penis piercing I totally have no recollection of getting? – CHECK, BABY!
HOT DAMN, I LOVE THESE DRUNKEN, HOMOEROTIC NIGHTS OUT!”
*Option A*
Hot Damn! The Extenze worked! Does this mean my feet will grow too?
*Option B*
Holy fuck! That’s what apadravya is! That’s the last time I play drunken scrabble at Jim’s Board Games and Piercings!!!
“Next time I’ll taking care of manscaping before I start drinking.”
“I could think of it like a tube of toothpaste…I guess.”
Those…weren’t there yesterday…
“Aw, jeez, her suspicions were right. I am getting a little on the side!”
“DAMN! Lost it again. Where’d it go? I know it’s here somewhere! I’m going to have to tape that thing on…”
LOL @ Annabella! Good’un
*Damn you, Sarah! These things keep popping up while I’m trying to work!*
Garth contemplated the fact that, as a Were-Duck, he was cursed with a breakaway foot long corkscrew.
(I heart Carmen and Wendy, too)
A necessary pep talk our hero must have with his penis upon discovering his girlfriend’s toys in the shower:
Look, I get it. The size was…the size was something not found in nature, and why she needs three of them, I don’t know. I mean, I get the fleshy looking one because, come on, we’re fleshy, but the glass? And the one that looks like metal? When has something with a little give been a bad thing? What happened to size doesn’t matter?
I know we’re both glad that she’s not stepping out while we’re away, but this is not something either of us wanted to step into the shower to see. We were going for a little wet warm up and instead got brain overload. I know. It’s hard.
Okay, hard maybe isn’t the best word. We’re the opposite of hard. But it’s momentary. Nothing long lasting. Look at you, we’re bouncing back already. The fire feels good, right? Hot. Like she is. She’s practically third degree. And those things obviously means she’s missing us. So buck up! Stand proud little man. Daddy’s home and he’s going to show Mamma that the motion of the ocean is what it is really all about.
*woman’s voice singing*
Rudolph with your cock so bright,
won’t you part my thighs tonight?
(my spamkiller is morning34. I suspect in the morning she will have 34 interesting burn marks)
Dwayne opened the towel, the firelight illuminating his manhood. He twisted his body back and forth ever so in an exotic dance, using the heat from the flames to dry himself.
Through the snapping and hissing of the logs he thought of the conversation overheard during his surgery, the anesthesiologist giving him too little of the wonder drug to make him sleep…
“Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Bigger…longer…thicker.”
Dwayne closed the towel and felt the twinge of tears behind his eyes.
They lied. Oh, they lied.
The enemy is the light, move away from the light…
Like a fungus, this hell-raiser thrives in the dark.
“My hot dog has a first name, it’s P-E-N-I-S….”
((Omg, I’m on a roll! I can’t stop, I’m laughing/crying so hard! SB, I wuvs you!))
“That ain’t no LOLcat down there!”
— Bonz
PS: Help! someone turn the italics off!!! ;p
Dwayne looked down at himself in the glow of the firelight and his favorite lyrics came to mind, giving him inspiration:
“Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
No One Wants To Be Defeated
Showin’ How Funky Strong Is Your Fight
It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It”
“OH Noes! Der is a Kitteh under my towel!”
I think Shakespeare said it best, “Much ado about nothing.”
“I wonder if the hotel will notice that this towel is missing?…”
“Gee, I guess using nuclear arms really IS a bad idea.”
“‘Well, Wiener, it’s you and me against the world.’” (haha! quotes Hoff & SB Hubby! I are teh good plagiarizer!)
Tattoo came out really nice. Wonder what she’ll think of it?
Maybe if I stand next to this hot fire, it will bring it to a head…..
Damn, am I big!?!?!?!…..
As he often did when he was alone—and, truth be told, when he wasn’t alone—Ram Rockwood gazed lovingly at his fabulous cock.
foot68—Okay, maybe not a foot…
Man: Yeah that hawk and mouse tattoo was a great idea! The mouse even grows!
(watch word services74 huh huh I got some services he can fulfill!)
“Come on, baby, just taste it.”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know. It frightens me.”
“Aw, come on. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Hey, look at it this way— least you won’t get pregnant.”
“But . . . my knees hurt. My back is getting warm. And you’re all kinds of sweaty.”
“That doesn’t sweat. Well, heh-heh, only from one pore. Okay, wait. Remember that movie we just saw? You liked it, didn’t you?”
“Charlotte’s Web? Yes, very much It was very touching. And full of wisdom.”
“You even liked the rat, right?”
“Templeton? Yeah, he turned out to be a good guy.”
“And wise. Right?”
“I guess so, in his own way.”
“So do you remember his best line? His biggest, uh, clam of wisdom . . . no, that’s not it. What word am I looking for?”
“Pearl.”
“Yeah. His biggest pearl of wisdom?”
“Uh . . . I’m not sure.”
“‘Good things come to those who find ‘em and shove ‘em in their mouth’.”
“Oh, Derek . . . you’re right!”
“Ain’t I always, puckerlips?”
~~~~~~~
NOTE: Yesiree, that is indeed a line from Charlotte’s Web.
“Name. Rank. Serial number. Serial number, dammit! That’s all she’s supposed to get from me, but the number’s too damn long to fit!”
“OH JOHN RINGO NO!!!”
(Okay, that was gratuitous. I’m done now).
(doing59 – even the network knows he’s confused).
The Few, The Proud, The Marines
The Few. The Proud. The Marines** Have found that while The Cannon Cockers are Always Flexible when they Rule The Night, there is No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy when Others Follow When They Lead, They Unite As One and that [Hell In A Helmet refers to the other helmet, the one that is not available for public viewing when in regulation fatigues.
**(or at least one of their Gunnery Sergeants)
OK, you can stop wincing now, the unbastardized mottos can be found over here: http://www.military-quotes.com/mottos/US-marines.htm