This may sound odd, but…I was looking for new fodder for cover snark, and after looking for several minutes at appalling computer-generated images, I found myself longing for simpler days—days when a woman didn’t have hair, she had tresses, and they flowed, oh how they flowed. Days when a man proclaimed his masculinity by daring to tuck his unbuttoned shirt into his belt. Days when a woman knew her place: kneeling at a man’s feet, gazing up in supplication, the froth of her skirts throwing themselves with gentle futility against his rock-hard thews.
Only one thing could assuage my hunger.
Clinch covers. Up on the chopping block this week: Avon Romance.
That’s right, kittens. Grab your panniers and set your hairspray to “Stun.”
Candy: It just occurred to me that clinch covers are where bad bridesmaid dresses go when they die. WHY exactly these two clowns are attempting to stretch this woman’s hip flexors while she’s wearing one is a question for the ages.
Sarah: Behold, the Avon checklist: Mullet? Check. Black pants, no shirt? Check. Heroine with absurdedy big, absurdedly curly hair? Check. Off the shoulder dress with possibly surgically augmented boobs about to burst forth in nippulous delight? Check and double check. Barefoot and showing of flexed calf? Check. Ribbons flying out in a flirty approximation of girly erection? Check.
The only difference is the whispered inner monologue of the posing heroine. In the first one: “I got my shoes at Payless’s Buy-One-Get-One Sale. But I only got one. Wonder what I did wrong?”
Candy: Is there some sort of modified Bernoulli’s Principle at work on romance novel covers? Seriously, look at how crazy her ribbon is going, while his hair is baaaarely fluttering…in the opposite direction. Is there some sort of low-pressure system that magically manifests itself underneath ribbons and
hair
flowing tresses? Unless the woman had just run full-tilt-boogie into the dude.
Sarah: “And if I look at him from this angle… nope. It’s still a mullet.”
Candy: I take my crack about bad bridesmaid’s dresses back.
Clinch covers are where bad 80s prom dresses go to die.
Also bad 80s prom hairstyles.
Sarah: “You’d think he’d lay down his shirt for me so I wouldn’t get grass stains. Then again, this dress is the color of bile.”
Candy: Porn-stache-tacular! I also love the vaguely angry look on the guy’s face. “GODDAMN SKIRTS, GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY SHIT. RRRRRRRRGGGHHHH. HULK SMASH.”
Sarah: “What is he doing with my dress? Hiding a dribble spot? I’m closing my eyes and thinking of…anything but that.”
I’ve been staring at the second cover for a good five minutes, trying to tell whether or not I can actually see the heroine’s nipples. Anybody else?
Bwah! The kite is priceless. But what cracked me up hardest was the cover blurb, for some reason.
Clinch covers are where bad 80s prom dresses go to die.
Also bad 80s prom hairstyles.
Why you gotta’ be hatin’, Candy? Because girls just wanna’ have fun! (In their flirty and frilly off-the-shoulder dresses in a color NO ONE looks good in.)
And Emily, I had the same reaction – they *do* look like the same two people.
My question is where does model #4 get her hair done? Or does she have the fiercest weave in the west?
Oh maybe it’s a paranormal romance and the heroine has gone back in time with a huge stock of no-lye relaxer so she can be the next CJ Walker.
Why do these women all look like their hair is flowing not just from their scalps, but from their necks and shoulders as well? What is this, Savage Sasquatch Love?
#2. . .
Apparently he stops waxing at the elbow. I mean, those are really furry forearms.
Or maybe he borrowed them from the transplant victim on #1.
I have to say this as an aspiring writer. One thing that scares the shit out of me is that one day my book will someday be published and…and… I’ll be too embarrassed to even admit it because of laughable crap covers like this.
I will never ever ever submit to Avon.
As a curly haired brunette…. all I have to say about the first two is, there is no way those curls would have existed before gel and hairspray. I still remember my hair before I discovered them …. I refer to that look as the atomic poof.
As a curly haired…em…I guess it’s mostly strawberry blonde, I can reasure you, curly hair can look like that in the blonde and red colors—blonde and red hair is finer than brunette (in general), so the curls will work differently. If I oiled my hair daily (a little olive oil will go a long way, followed by a progression of combs from wide to narrow tooth) and took the time on it, I could accomplish the look. I never, never, never use gel or hairspray on my hair. It’s way too fine and even a half a dime sized dollop of anything on my hair will smush it flat as a pancake. Can you say “Looks like a wet seal”? 😉
On the other hand, however, it most likely would not be that long. Fine hair + brittleness of natural curl + weight of the curls = shorter hair. Mine won’t grow anywhere near my waist. It just naturally stops somewhere around my bra strap.
And did anyone else notice how long that woman on cover 1’s foot is? Sweet jebus, what size shoe does she wear? Is that why the one she’s still got sort of looks like a drag queen shoe? Well, a tacky drag queen shoe; most of my queenie friends wouldn’t be caught dead in plastic mules….
Especially Lady #2.
And the only thing I can think of when I look at cover #4, other than the delightfully pleasant contrast between his Sears jeans and her costume from her high school’s production of Little Women, is how often she must get migraines. That’s why she’s closing her eyes – her vision is spotty, and she’s about to puke. Her hair is THICK and goes down to at least her ass.
And if you look closely, someone did a terrible job with the scissors – the hair around her face and at her neck looks like it’s shorter than the longer hair…that’s coming…from…somewhere. (Follow the ends close to her head and see where they originate.)
Spam word: Lower21. You can’t go much lower than 21 and still be legal.
I think maybe she borrowed some we-sha-sha from a Cassie Edwards heroine…either that, or she found the sacred spring of Dark & Lovely No Lye.
I love these covers! But what’s up with the kite?
Cover #3 transfixed me because I swore I could see the Viscount’s lady’s hoo-hoo. That dress is cut WAY too high. Of course, given previous observations about how her breasts are hanging freakishly low, perhaps people seeing her vajajay is the least of her worries?
As for the 4th cover, he looks more like Passions’ Chad than T.C. Which automatically made me fear that his gorgeously coiffed ladylove is a he/she ala Vincent/Valerie. Maybe it’s not his own manly juices he’s wiping off with his/her dress?
Security word: “income24.”
I’LL BET. Hehehehe.
#1, #2: Are these not the same models? Also, how exactly is Redhead #2 standing? And since most redheads I know, including me, have extremely coarse hair, how is she keeping her hair from frizzing?
#3: The way her shoulders are posed, she looks like she’s having a back spasm.
#4: The jeans didn’t bother me; Levi’s jeans were first produced in the 1850s. What bothers me is that he seems to have had a head transplant.
It’s not the woman’s foot on Warrior’s Taking that looks abnormal to me – an averagely-proportioned person’s foot should be about as long as the distance from their elbow to wrist. That may seem too long at first glance, but it’s true.
So check out *his* feet. Dude, the boots are very Dread Pirate Roberts, but they have *got* to be pinching something wicked!
LOL @ Julia and Darkrose.
Yeah, it’d be nice to show a Black woman on the cover with actual Negro hair, but we all know that a Black woman canNOT be considered attractive unless she’s a pseudo White woman, hair an’ all.
I think we-sha-sha can be pounded and the fibers used as weave material. Either that or Massa’s got a stable full of butt-nekkid horses.
@ Erin
Too much
relaxer
we-sha-sha will do a number on your hairline.
second one: Ooh I tripped and grabbed your crotch. So sorry.
Last one..he totally looks like he’s grabbing his crotch and what is he so mad about? LOL
The woman in #4 has dislocated her shoulder and has a very deformed leg. Considering where her hips are, she’s got the longest thighs and must have a huge butt underneath all that flowing purple skirt. Granted the guy’s head is at an unnatural angle which suggests he has a broken neck, but that leg is way out there. Perhaps it’s acting as a brake to stop them both rolling off the mountain (check out the alarming slope of the background – the huge mountain range to the right just drifts away on the left…)
Planning73: I don’t think any kind of planning went into this painting.
I can smell the aquanet from here… and I am mesmerized by that hair. I mean how do they hold their heads up???
Since I was bald all last month and only now have begun to crow about miniscule peach fuzz, I am hella jealous. (See my blog.)
If them was real beyotches I’d track em down and skin em. Make me a wig!
#1…I seem to remember reading somewhere that the “one shoe off” thing was a device used in Dutch master paintings ca. 17th century to imply loose morals in women, i.e. pregnancy.
Has anyone read this? Is there pregnancy involved? Does the cover artist have a rabid art history background, or is it dumb luck???
Yay! Glad you liked. 🙂
I don’t know what it is either, but it was crying out to be included.
Donna, I photoshopped the kite onto the cover because DS left this comment:
And then I thought – those covers really *would* be improved with a kite! So I added one. *g*
Hey, I resemble that remark!
That cover looks like my hair when I wash, comb and let it dry naturally. Actually, mine gets a little more Mary Pickford-y.
It’s funny you should say that about bridesmaid’s dresses since I wore an old bridesmaid’s dress the year I dressed as a romance novel cover model for Halloween. Really!!!