Thanks to Brandy for the link to Things I Will Do When I am the Vampire, (I know, it’s hard to read. I cut & pasted it to a txt doc just to read clearly without eyestrain) I’ve been giggling like a fool. My faves are: “58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it,” and “49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don’t have any. That is why it is former.”
Now of course I’m making all kinds of lists in my head, like “Things I Will Do When I am Anita Blake,” (e.g. “Put 50 condoms in my fanny pack each morning, plus two extra just in case in the socks that match my shirt.” “Do my day job because that shit was cool.” “Spend a few honest moments evaluating why I am (or was) so conflicted between the faith in my head and the fire in my loins.” “Stay out of the shower if were-somethings are in there.”)
“Things I will do if I am the heroine” could be fun on its own, or hero. Or … crap. I’m not going to get a thing done today. Dammit.
I have a habit of doing this when I’m concentrating. It’s tranference from when I used to chew on pencils. Doesn’t hurt and I’ve never had a problem with chapping except when it’s super windy. :::shrug:::
I assumed she was referring to texture and how it seems Romancelandia persons have pubic hair that’s always “soft” and “silky”.
On another note . . .
When I’m the Other Woman
1. I will not taunt the perfect, teeny heroine with how I’m banging her dude. This will cause her to run away in a fit of pique and the hero will chase her and then where am I left?
2. The very first time the hero shows up at my townhouse nattering on about this teeny, tiny Lady who’s just so annoyingly spunky, I will pack. Quickly. And maybe hit him up for an extra diamond necklace or two. As a goodbye, you know.
All right, I’ll play. Things I’ll do when I’m the heroine:
1. When I’m the heroine, I’ll have sex in the pounding surf with smart sand, able to avoid all cracks and crevices.
2. When I’m the heroine, I’ll have sex in the front seat of a car without confusing the stick shift for a shifty dick.
3. When I’m the heroine, I’ll have sex with Johnny Depp and Matthew McConaughey, while George Clooney licks my toes…(like none of you have ever thought of this)
When I’m the heroine, I’ll have hour long orgasms, and then I’ll meet the hero…
Things to do when I am herione:
1) Upon meeting the hero, I will always and immediately tell him he makes me hotter than jam in a fresh doughnut. You never know; it might just speed things up.
2) If I find myself angsting over the hero’s affections for longer than one half-hour per day, I will go to the gym and work it off.
3) Upon meeting the hero’s bitchy-yet-hot ex-girlfriend, I will quell my insecurity with the happy knowledge that if the hero was mature enough to ditch this floozy once, he’s also bright enough to not take her back.
4) Before jumping to conclusions about the hero’s seedy past, I will always rigourously fact-check what I have been told and, where necessary, ask the hero himself for clarification.
4a) If the hero decides I am some variety of Fallen Woman, I will demand he likewise fact-check what he has been told and, where necessary, ask me for clarification.
5) I will educate myself about the trouble men have in expressing their feelings so that I will be capable of making reasonable allowances for the hero’s occasional idiocy and macho bluster.
Things I Will Do as a Werewolf’s Soulmate:
1.) Never share my comb, toothbrush, and nail clippers
2.) Invest in saliva cups and damned good flea-and-tick shampoo
3.) Refuse to search for and eat earmites
4.) Wrap myself in cellophane so no pack member other than my mate can smell my arousal/menses/steak-and-egg breakfasts
5.) Insist on the use of a dental dam, or maybe even Styrofoam, during oral sex
6.) Never play a song with the word moon in it
7.) Not be tempted to have pets
8.) Keep at least one spiritual rope connected to my soul should I ever decide to pull it back and give it to a being who doesn’t reek of dingleberries and carrion
9.) Knit paw booties in case we’re ever invited to participate in the Iditarod
10.) Ask my spiritual adviser how kosher it is to fuck a member of a different species
Things I will do when I am Anita Blake:
1. Spend a long afternoon with a Nordstrom personal shopper, exploring the worlds that are flats, blue jeans, and colors besides royal blue, red, and black. I have an undead French bank, I can afford it!
2. Switch things up a bit and sleep with a girl. The lesbian-phobia is so passe.
3. In a ceremony presided over whomever is supposedly gay (i.e. hasn’t slept with me yet), burn all fanny packs in my closet and invest in a nice backpack or messenger bag.
4. Visit a therapist. A lot.
5. Consider the other options for churches out there if nailing everyone in sight is the antithesis of my chosen faith. Worship happens many ways, mine just seems to be on my knees surrounded by the supernatural.
6. Girls’ weekend with Ronnie, in which we both get very, very drunk on wine and talk our issues out, because we’re happier when we’re both not passing judgement fast and furious on each other.
Things I Will Do Better As The Wicked Witch (That I Am)
1. Dart guns are far more accurate than apples.
2. Give the woodsmen a gun.
3. Clorox Ready Mops… No mop buckets, no water.
4. With that many poppies… Corner opium market.
5. Pressure sensitive bomb for class coffin lid.
If I were the other woman:
1. I will not freak-out and become a murderous psychopath just because the hero is dumping me. I will go out on a shopping spree courtesy of his expense account instead.
2. I will not beg or otherwise demean myself to keep the heroes affection. I will remind myself that there are other fish in the sea.
3. I will treat the heroine civilly and politely. In my heart, I will hide my pity since I know the hero will likely drop her too for the next hot little mink that sparks his fancy.
4. If they get married, I will send a cordial note of congratulations and a crystal vase in the bride’s pattern just to remind myself that I am a classy lady.
5. If worst comes to worst and the hero simply will not stop talking to me about his new lover, I will suggest he needs therapy since he can’t seem to move on.
Things I Will Do If I’m a Fairy Tale Princess:
1) Cut off my hair before the Hero climbs up it. In fact, cut it off and tie it to the wall, and then climb down it myself. It’s not like I’ll be able to run with two tons of that golden silk attached to my head anyways.
2) Practice my singing voice. It’s how the Hero will recognize me.
3) Wear a disguise to hide from the evil Wicked Witch and her henchmen. According to Superman, glasses should work.
4) Keep a watch on so my pumpkin won’t be destroyed before I get all the way home. Those glass slippers are not comfortable to walk long distances in.
5) Exchange more than a sentence with the Prince. Sure, we’ll hump like bunnies, but what’ll we talk about afterwards?
6) Make sure my dad writes up a will afte he marries my stepmom. And then send a copy to my lawyer.
7) Make sure I get all the info so that spinning needle doesn’t do a sneak attack.
8) Remember old ladies are deadly, and if offering apples or bits of their house, the smart course of action is to either beat them down or run away from them.
9) Become a financial advisor to the seven guys I live with. For all the gold they find they sure aren’t spending it wisely.
10) Make sure to go pee after the Hero awakens me with my True Kiss of Luuuve, or there’s going to be an accident real soon.
orangehands…I love it!
If I Were the Plagiarist, I Would:
Invest in a thesaurus. That way that pesky bitchery can’t just copy and paste my work into Google and have my sources pop up all inconvenient-like. Of course, I’m probably too lazy to go out and buy a thesaurus (since I can’t even write my own material), so I’ll just put Thesaurus.com into my favorites.
*snort* Very funny Erin.
Orangehands you might also enjoy this little list borrowed from Sharron McClellan (with permission) about “princess rules” vs. “queen rules” on her blog Angryromancegrrl (http://www.sharronmcclellan.com)
Nobility, My Ass
My niece is really into the whole concepts of “Princess’sâ€. And (according to her) a big part of being a Princess is how to dress, finding a Prince to marry, and how one should behave.
On that note, I have my own rules for appropriate Princess behavior and this is not for kids:
Princess’s…
1. Don’t say ‘fuck’
2. Must wear panties
3. Don’t threaten to kill you and hide the body
4. Don’t ‘put out’
5. Don’t snort when they laugh
6. Don’t brag about their collection of 4†stiletto-heeled shoes and they certainly don’t wear them
7. Sit with their knees together (see rules 1 and 4)
As you can see, being a Princess is a bit of a bore. It’s better to be Queen! My rules for appropriate Queen behavior:
1. Rules? There are no RULES for being the Queens.
Which means, (if you think about it)… they can wear the rubber dress and 4-inch heels without panties and when they slip their boyfriend the tongue while he’s feeling them up, they can demand a good screw up against the wall. If he refuses, they can kill him and hide the body. And when they stand on his cold, cold grave (in their 4-inch stilettos of course), they will laugh and give a little snort.
It’s good to be Queen.
OOH Second Post!! I’m so inspired by this post:
Things I Will Do when I am the Paranormal Heroine:
1. Believe in weird stuff. You’re a vampire?! I KNEW they existed!!
2. Insist that the Hero act his age, not his shoe size. He’s well over a century, and he’s still acting like an ass? Come on, grow up.
3. Demand that the Hero stay out of my mind unless invited. He does NOT need to know every breath I take and thought I have.
4. Still find other men attractive and be able to appreciate them. Also, I’ll hug them if I want, dammit. Get over your rediculous jealousy and join the 21st century.
5. (This is for any genre) Have satisfying, great sex prior to meeting the Hero. My first climax will NOT be with the Hero, unless I am a legitimate virgin.
6. If I am a legitimate virgin (whether by age or by choice) I will act like it. If I haven’t had sex until now, I’m obviously holding out for something, and no matter how gooey the Hero makes me, until he gives me that (his love, marriage, whatever), he’s not getting any, either.
7. Finally, I will be sure to maintain my individuality, and not redefine myself by my relationship. I have a man now…it’s not the end of the world.
Things I Can’t do (but kinda wish I could) Because I’m Not The Heroine.
1. Pass out from an orgasm. I’ve had good ones. Even went deaf in one ear for about 15 seconds once, but loss of consciousness…
1a. Be on the verge of orgasm when the hero accidentally brushes up against me. Maybe just once, though. That could get irritating after a while.
2. Be jaunty. My posture just can’t pull that off. I try to do the yoga when I can, but…Ah well.
3. Manage to snag the richest, most gorgeousest guy in the country dressed as an unwashed boy.
4. Have a secret baby. Well, maybe not.
5. Wake in the morning and make out with the richest, most gorgeousest guy in the country without gagging because our breath could lay waste to middle America.
6. Smell like flowers without wearing perfume or sometimes showering. For a couple of days.
7. Be feisty without apparently annoying the hell out of everyone around me.
8. Not have to urinate for 300 pages.
9. Out ride and out shoot EVERYONE. I’d get a girl group together and go on tour with those kind of skills.
10. Go to Madame Décolletage’s exclusive dress shop and have a new wardrobe custom made. Who wouldn’t love that?
MamaNice, carpet and drapes! I never thought of that. My unscientific although fairly extensive polling (amongst friends) indicates that you are the first person for whom they match. I was born blond and still am, but suffered permanent teenage trauma when every romance novel made such a point of referring to the heroine as a “natural” blond or redhead. Obviously something was wrong with me, or so I thought until my friends admitted the same lack. By Romancelandia definition, however, I would never be considered a natural blond and that just pissed me off. So I figured this was yet another impossible beauty standard, but perhaps I’ve been wrong all along and they are supposed to match. Well, at least I won’t need therapy.
Lorelie, you’re right about the “soft and silky” part. I’m guessing, though, that “brillo” wouldn’t set the right mood.
Darlynn and MamaNice,
What I always heard was that the carpet generally matches the eyebrows and not necessarily the hair on the top of one’s head. I haven’t done extensive poling but this has panned out in my experience. That said, however, I am a natural red head and all my hair is some shade of red. I don’t know if that counts as matching or not. 😉
If the hair on one’s head is black or very dark brown, the carpet usually matches. It’s hard to get darker than black.
On the other hand, once it starts to go gray, the carpet tends to take longer to do that than the drapes…
darlynne, I also thought something was freakish about me for years with my non-matching carpet and drapes. My eyebrows (etc) have always been considerably darker than my natural hair colour, which never seems to happen in the books. Then again, all romance heroines have silky hair with dramatically beautiful shades, so why would they need to dye it in the first place?
thanks Brit Blaise
T Meyers: yeah, i want to be Queen. maybe not do the stuff on the list, but definitely be Queen. (although the whole ruling a country can get annoying, so maybe be a retired Queen. all the perks and none of the annoyances).
Darylnne, Ocy, etc.
This whole angle is so interesting, isn’t it? I never really thought much about it before…being a redhead, I have had the occasional crass question about it matching, and I was always like, “Duh – yeah.” Maybe I should start polling friends too! Anyone an Ob-Gyn on the board?
On the whole hair issue – what always gets me in historicals is the fact that the chicks are probably pretty darn hairy…everywhere. Leg hair is so not mentioned when the hero slides his hand up her silky limb.
If you are talking about color, some hair is exposed to sunlight and may be lighter than that in places that are not. Heh, yeah.
Talking about texture, if the hair on your head is pin straight and silky, it’s like that elsewhere, I know that for a FACT. AND if you let the hair on your legs grow, after a while it’s kinda soft too.
Also, I want to be an Evil Queen, always rooted for Cruella et al.
Speaking of hairy women, I think I am remembering the case correctly, but as I recall John Ruskin freaked out over the fact that his new wife Effie Gray had body hair. My understanding is that neither he nor the new misses knew that women had body hair in general. He was basing his knowledge on nude women from art and Effie, being a virgin, believed Ruskin when he claimed she had a grotesque malady. Anyway their marriage was annulled on the grounds that it was never consummated.
Also, on a less tragic note, in the second Gabaldon book about Jamie and Claire, doesn’t he freak out when she removes her leg hair at some French friend’s house? I think I remember correctly. I certainly remember finding it terribly funny at the time… which was years ago now.
My brain, it’s bouncing all over the place.
When I’m the Other Woman, I’ll…
… boink the Other Man like there’s no tomorrow. Because, y’know, he’s hurting and in need of some serious lurrrrving. Rebound sex is powerful stuff.
When I’m the Plagiarist, I’ll…
… have the brains to use a pseudonym, to spare my family the shame of being related to me.
And if the Hero ever calls me a ‘whore’, first I’ll ask him if that’s just wishful thinking on his part, because the only way he’ll get Teh Sex is if he buys it. And then I’ll beat the shit out of him – or get my newly enamoured Other Man to do it for me.
And when I’m Queen, I’ll frakkin’ delegate. Any man who fails to perform as promised loses both heads.
jocelyn – yes! I knew there was a thing about leg hair in one of DG’s books – but I couldn’t recall the specifics. I’m going to have to look that passage up…I remember thinking (not for the first time) how I love Jamie Fraser – my husband can’t stand any form of leg stubble, and it can be kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. How great would it be to have a man who just loved me au naturale?!?
I hear ya!
When I was in the Air Force, I heard it several times (especially from one geeky little loser) “So, you have red hair—are you a real redhead?? Can you prove it? Heh heh heh.”
Finally, fed up, I put on my softest, lowest, most Southern accented voice and said, “Hey, would you like to find out?”
He stammered and said, “Wha-what?”
“Oh, sure, come over here and I’ll prove it for you.”
So he crept a little closer.
“You have to get really close if I’m going to prove it.”
He got very close.
I pointed to my eyebrows. “See?” I asked in a completely normal tone of voice. “They’re the same color. It’s natural. Satisfied?”
It was the very last time he said a single word about my hair color.
Tina – that was classic awesomeness. Nice job!
I’ll have to remember that one…and teach it to my daughter when she’s old enough…she has strawberry-blonde hair, and at only 4 – gets (I’m NOT exaggerating here) at least 15-20 compliments on it a day. It got to the point when people would tell her how pretty, etc her hair is she’d just say “I know.” I had to remind her of her manners.
Now she says, “Thank you, I know.”