Contest Ahoy! Get out your minibar bottles and start mixing! Kathleen O’Reilly has sent me a fair pile of her new book, Nightcap 
Since the O’Sullivan brothers own a bar, your task, should you choose to accept it, is to create a drink recipe and name it. It doesn’t matter if the drink actually tastes good – so many mixed drinks are made with vodka, which makes me wicked ill, so don’t worry that I’m standing by with a titanium liver and a top shelf bar ready to test-drive your concoctions. Heh. “Concoctions.”
So, bang a gong, it is on. Bring in your best made-up Smart Bitch Happy Hour cocktail (Heh heh. “cocktail.”) and post it in the comments. It doesn’t have to be about sex or screwing or banging a bartender but hey, with the language of mixology, there’s plenty of room for some funny recipes. You have until 2am eastern to post your drink mix (Last Call!), and then comments will expire.
Kathleen O’Reilly will judge the top 5, and winners get books. Sorry, I can’t ship alcohol across state lines without a license. Otherwise I’d send you booze, too.
How about “Ancients’ Ruin”?
The Hershey Highway
2 oz. Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
1/2 oz. half and half
enough Hershey’s syrup to properly lube…er, FLAVOR.
Blend together with ice, and remember to relax before you begin.
The Popped Cherry
2 oz. Rum
1 oz. Vodka
Grenadine to taste
Mix together and top with Sprite and a generous amount of split marachinos.
Savor the sweet taste of experience.
I came up with this drink in Florida. Best name I’ve been able to come up with is the Tropical Spoon:
2 shots coconut rum
Orange juice
Garnish (if desired): Drop a wedge of lime in. (Because, for the last time, you put the lime IN the coconut …)
There’s an erotica anthology coming out sometime this year called Screaming Orgasms and Sex on the Beach, edited by Shanna Germain, in which all of the stories are inspired by drinks (both the naughty named ones and others—mine was inspired by a drink called The Witch of Venice, which actually sounds disgusting because it has creme de bananas in it).
Just Swallow It
Salt
A shot of Baileys
A shot of lime juice
Drink it very fast, before you can taste it. And then lick your lips, smile at the person who gave it to you, and say, “Okay, hon, time to reshingle the roof.”
This one is sooo easy and man we couldn’t believe how great it tasted. We figured this one out while pushing a week on the islands and having so much fun no one wanted to go in for ice and beer.
You take Malibu Rum, plastic bottle no glass on the beach of course, and Diet Vernors.
I know it sounds completely nasty, but you can’t believe the taste that comes from it. It’s almost like a vanilla-nut burst of summer in your mouth.
It’s even good flat or warm. (LOL)
You can do shots or just take whats left of the rum and dump it in a 2 liter.
We love this stuff and call it a Dirty Summer Lovin.
Even the men who are all about the beer liked it a lot.
The only problem is it goes down way too easy… Yikes. You can go from zero to mouthy bitch, PDQ.
„Pond water“ – aka „Green algal bloom“
5 cl Cachaca or white rum
1 cl Blue Curacao
1 cl Triple sec
5 cl orange juice
15 cl passionfruit juice
1 cl grapefruit juice
Mix and serve on crushed ice.
Svenja (long-time lurker, first-time poster)
Nipple Ring
1 shot vanilla vodka
1 shot baileys
1 shot butterscotch schnapps
Mix and serve straight up. Garnish with a cherry.
I hereby give you five magnificent drinks, all originating from my [insert gender neutral word for sorority/fraternity here]:
Inexperienced
4 cl (1 shot) Southern Comfort
Top with Sprite/seven up
Unstable
8 cl Southern Comfort
Top with Sprite/seven up
Incompetent
16 cl Southern Comfort
Top with Sprite/seven up
Indigestible
4 cl Sprite
Top with Southern Comfort
And finally -for a similar effect as described in plainjane’s charming little story:
Monkey Wank
4 cl Baileys
1 shot (4 cl) Coke
How about recipes for “TSTL” and “Asshole Hero”?
The Category Romance Cocktail
Ingredients:
A crystal glass (Waterford preferred)
2 Tbs Pie Cherries pureed (A virgin with mixed feelings)
3 Oz Champagne (Sparkle and some cash required)
2 Oz Tequila (Made from cactus because a little prick now and then is a good thing
Optional ingredients: Egyptian pickles (lots of salt, garlic and hot stuff) For the Chic Sheikh; Bad coffee and bitters for the Divorced Cop version; and Whole Organic Milk for the Tanned Bland Hero.
Awesomely Good Milk Shake
3 scoops ice cream
1 shot espresso
1 shot Godiva chocolate liqueur (for chocolate shakes)
(sub 1 shot baileys for vanilla shakes)
Blend or float, and top with whipped cream.
Coco-Loco Style Margarita
Combine in one 40oz Blender:
20 oz ice chips or cubes
1 shot triple sec
4 shot tequila (gold is nice)
4-6 oz pineapple concentrate, frozen
Blend. Dip rims of margarita glasses in honey, then in toasted coconut. Makes 4.
Ok, I miss mixing, so I’m going to play . . .
Topshelf Seduction
2 oz Vodka (Stoli or Absolut)
1 oz Godiva Chocolate liqueur
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liqueur
*ALT: Raspberry Vodka
(straight-up, chilled martini glass, no rocks, no garnish, serve with truffles & candlelight)
She’s Sweet But She Bites
2 oz Vodka (Stoli or Absolut)
1 oz Grand Marnier liqueur
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer
*ALT: Raspberry Vodka if you want more berry
(shaken & strained, chilled martini glass, no rocks)
Vampire Kisses
1 oz Midori
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer
1 oz Triple Sec
dash sours
dash of cranberry for the red trickle look [Do this last step in front of the customer]
(cocktail, heavy rocks)
*ALT—Kisses with Teeth
-add 2 oz Vodka instead of Triple Sec
The Gary Ferber
*flavor it to your liking*
Pineapple juice
Crushed ice
Vodka
A dash of tequila
Shake well
Pour in a margarita glass (either salted or sugared), serve cold and add a dollop of whipped cream and maraschino cherries.
Copycat Cassie
Take a drink from above
Copy the exact order
And claim it as your own
Did you forget the anti-freeze, Carrie?
He’s got the pineapple juice in there—no need to make it overly sweet!
In response to the request for a TSTL coktail – it’s called a can of Ginger Ale – they don’t know any freakin better and the ale part throws ‘em off.
My favourite Drink: SO not a Virgin Bloody Mary
Glass full of ice – hit the bottom with a spash of Guiness Beer. Add your Mix of Choice 3 to one with Vodka. Add Tabasco and Worsteschire (sp) to taste. Serve with both olives and Dill spears.
That’s what makes it definately not a virgin, the spear and the balls.
If family is visiting – use equal parts mix and vodka.
The Cocksucking Lesbo (Think about it)
1 (or 2 if you like it sweet) scoop vanilla ice cream
An amount of whatever makes you happy of Malibu Rum
An equal amount of Passõa (passion fruit liquor)
Top off with orange juice
Serve in tall, pink glasses and with straw and something frilly.
Oh and to add to the lovely recipes with Baileys and acids:
Car Bomb
Take a tall glass, pour in a shot of Whisky
fill up with Guinness (but not till the rim)
take a shot glass with Baileys
drop the shot glass in the tall glass and hurry the hell up with drinking:)
A Bailey’s Smoothie
Put in a blender:
2 ice cubes per person
3 1/2 ouces Baileys Irish Cream per person
I don’t what to call it, other than “yummmmm”: get yourself an Arby’s Jamocha shake, add a shot of Frangelico, stir thoroughly with your straw, then suck and slurp.
Oh.
Wow.
The Raging Hard-on
One shot of Jack Daniels
One can of Red Bull
One crushed Viagra
The Broken Hooker
One bottle TGIF’s Mudslide
add:
Mile high teased hair with a bad dye job
Skin tight fur collared coat
Skin tight black leather pants
One black knee high stiletto boot
One walking cast
Finish with one metal walker.
(My daughter saw this woman last Saturday)
I created the Rose Fart a few years ago:
lg rocks glass with ice
2oz white rum
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
Fill w/ diet 7Up
Garnish with a rose bud
Of course, I didn’t realize what a rose fart was and thought I was so damn clever to come up with such a name. Alternate names discussed for this drink over the last few years:
Queef Quaff
Carb-B-Q (it was Atkins-friendly, now passe)
Death by Ploot Ploot
The Heaving Bosom
1 ounce Chambord Raspberry Liqueur
2 ounces Absolut Raspberry Vodka
A generous splash of 7-Up (or any other lemon-lime soda)
Shake and strain. Serve straight-up in a chilled martini glass. Garnish with two large, heaving raspberries.
The Lovable Rake
2 ounces Southern Comfort
A generous splash of simple syrup
1 orange slice
2 cherries
Muddle fruit in bottom of rocks glass. Add ice, SoCo, and simple syrup. Swizzle and serve.
Being technically underage for this sort of thing, I know nothing about cocktails (*snort*), but OHEMGEE I am laughing my appendix out at some of these! “Man Titty?” “Stiff Concotion?” “Broken Hooker?” Good lord… Must not disturb roommate…
Forbidden Fruit
1 1/2 oz. Three Olives apple vodka
1 1/2 oz. POM pomegranate juice
1 cup crushed ice
1 sprig of mint
Put pomegranate juice, apple vodka and cup of ice into a blender set on low for five seconds until firm.
Add to a crystal glass.
Garnish with mint to add to the taste and to give your drink the proper illusion of leaves.
Then enjoy your immoral indulgence.
Had to de-lurk for this one…
The Bookie:
1 to 2 shots of scotch
top with cranberry juice
ice is optional
Called “the Bookie” because it tastes exactly the way old books smell. Invented in university by an English students’ association. Really, you have to try it to believe it. Exactly like setting foot in a second hand book store!
I confess to having had my fair share of PJ (Purple Jesus)!
Bitches Tit:
Heavy Cream
Kahlua
Baileys Irish Cream
Spit or Swallow:
Bailey’s Irish Cream held in mouth
Shoot Lime and Lemon juice in
Swish
Secret Baby:
Malibu Rum
Orange Juice
Atomic Fireball in the bottom of glass
Hidden Husband:
Bourbon
Coke
One shot Jagermeister
Slutz
1 jigger coconut rum
1 jigger peach schnapps
1 jigger vodka
4 oz orange juice
2 oz sprite
Ok the first mixed drink I was ever introduced to by my grandmmother (for brunch and yes she was something else)
Kir Royale:
1 cl creme de cassis (black currant syrup)
9 cl champange
I was about 16 at a fancy hotel (it was in Munich so hold yer horses) and just the thought of the drink makes my nose itch (the champange bubbles)
Captain Jack Sparrow
1 oz dark rum
1/2 oz creme de cacao
1 oz apple juice (yes, really)
Shake with ice. Strain and serve in martini glass. Garnish with cherry.
Sweet Death Punch
1 bottle malibu rum pineapple flavor
1 1 liter bottle sprite
1 can concetrate welches ruit punch
1 40 oz vodka
mix serve and enjoy!
(one nite the girls and I from my dorm wanted to get drunk but no one could drink vodka straight up so we added what we had and came up with this)
Y’all are making this SO very hard. All this makes me want to take off for the licker store and do some taste-testing.
Assuming that it’s okay with Sarah, I think I’d love to collect all these up and put them on the website, immortalized….
Welp, I’m new here but I’m going to give it a go, although this has nothing to do with anything related to Kathleen O’Reilly. Having just found yesterday your review of Catherine Coulter’s Devil’s Embrace(when i read the book, even my shameless romance-reading self went “wait…WHAT?”), i offer, made up on the spot:
the Devil’s Embrace
2 oz Pomegranate liqueur (for that middle-eastern sort of flavor)
1 oz bumboo (for the pirate in all of us)
Top with a large dollop of Creme Anglais before attempting to drink (for…well, you know)
I really wish I could come up with a good recipe named “the Turgid Member”, but I can’t. *sniffle*
Whatever it is, it’d better be a stiff one.
use13 – is that 13 ingredients, or 13 inches??
Although I’m not surprised to see there already is one with this same title, here’s my
Captain Jack Sparrow
The “water” (not milk) from one fresh coconut
1 ounce dark rum
Juice of 1 key lime
Mix well and serve. Stagger around yelling WHY IS THE RUM GONE until your friends no longer find this amusing.
The Husky Murmur
1 can strawberry crush
splash of vodka
splash of tequila
splash of gin
splash of peach schnapps
1 large plastic cup (no need to dirty a real glass!)
Swirl it around in the cup, gulp it down. Once it’s down you’ll be talking with that same husky murmur all the sexy people use in romance novels…or you’ll just be headed straight to the bathroom to pay homage.
The Sexy Librarian
1 oz gin
1 oz sprite
splash of peach nectar
Kiwi slice
Serve over ice.
(I don’t actually drink, so I don’t advise trying this.)
Edit button isn’t working for me, but that should be 2 oz. gin.
The Flaccid Villain
Andre Cold duck
Fernet Branca Bitters
ice
Fill a tall glass with lots of ice, add the cheap Cold Duck like the bimbos he prefers add a shot or two of the expensive Bitters to represent his expensive tastes in his own selfish desires.
Have it served to him by an toothless old fat tavern wench who will curse him with her visage ,ever present when ever he ponders evil intent or sexual desire!
Everyone knows the heroine avoids being raped by the villain because he can’t ever get it up, now you know why!
The Bodice Ripper
1/4 cup of sprite
1 splash of cranberry juice
1 marishino cherry
Best served *virgin* while listening to Warrant’s Cherry Pie, however if you’re wanting something a bit more risque, feel free to add 2 “jiggers” of rum and switch the tune to GnR’s “Sweet Child o’ Mine”.