It’s been a while since we’ve blessed you (snort) with the Scandinavian (snort!) authenticity (SNORT!) of Viking romance covers. So here you have it: well over 400% of your RDA for Viking Romance Novel Covers.
Candy: My, what a large, proud, jutting…prow you have there. Not bad for a flamingly metrosexual Viking boy.
Sarah: “As the ship goes down, you must tell me…”
“Why your dress is hot pink under chainmail?”
“No… where…”
“…did you find Frost & Tip on the high Viking seas?”
“No… where…”
“…did I get this flowbee haircut?”
“No… where is the at-home wax kit you used on your chest? My beaver is barking!”
Candy: You know how I can tell he’s virile? Because he’s ready to smack the shit out of you with 40 pounds of forged steel if you don’t get him a sammich NOW, woman.
Sarah: Nothing says virile like a short leather skirt. Very short. So short the sun and the moon are out at the same time.
The next two images have exactly the same titles, but the difference in execution is…well. See for yourself.
Candy: Beloved? To whom? Purveyors of polar bear pelts? Clairol Born Blonde? Aquanet?
Sarah: Why is Beloved Viking standing in front of what looks like an adobe structure surrounded by wildflowers? And why is he wearing slices of apple around his neck?
Candy: Holy Chuck Norris lookalike, Batman! I guess that explains why 95% of all Viking fatalities were due to roundhouse kicks to the face.
Also: Ostriches? What the hell?
Sarah: Is “viking” another word for metrosexually swarthy ostrich farmer? Because if not, then what the fuck?
This is funny because I have a friend who swears that Vikings are going to be the Next Big Thing – they’re the next pirates/ninjas/monkeys that will be on every cover and every tshirt and in tiny bobblehead form and….
I’m new here and loved the cover snark!
I just about fell off my chair laughing and the tears are still running down my face as I type. Apple slice necklace – snort!
Virile Vikings and the Vixens that Vex Them.
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**SIGH**
The only Viking I ever had was a refrigerator.
RStewie:
*shower sex is only overrated if the hot water DOES NOT run out*
Um, we have an on-demand water heater – there’s hot water as long as a. there’s gas in the huge gas tank behind the house and b. the well doesn’t run dry. 😉 But I know that’s an extreme exception. Most people don’t have a near endless supply of hot water.
Nikki
remaining mum on anything else to do with shower sex
Has anybody checked out the blog “photoshop disasters”? Some internet goodness right there, particularly this romance cover featuring a three-hand heroine!
http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/2008/03/castles-in-air.html
Bwah ha ha!!! The cover snark seriously had me laughing out loud. My cat was giving me funny looks. What a great introduction to this site!
As for shower sex, I have to agree with the person who said you need enough space to bend over. It’s the only way to do it successfully and have both participants enjoy themselves. I have to wonder how many romance authors have ever done it IRL, because most of what is written is entirely implausible. Down right anatomically incorrect.
I just wanted to say that the fact the author had to point out how VIRILE the Viking is before you even open the book…? Probably not a good sign…
Is alliteration in romance titles a good thing? I thought not.
Big belts do create the illusion of an hourglass figure for those who are otherwise shapeless. Am I the only one here who watches “What Not To Wear”?
Hey, no fair! You’re talking about my book covers without inviting me over. So, here’s the deal:
1) Authors have little control over their book covers. Publishers ask for our input, but then they do whatever they want, unless you are a really big author.
2)Publishers put those cheesy hunk covers on books because that is what the public wants. How do they know that? Dollars are votes. Sorry, but it’s a fact of life. All those new book sales count as votes. And, frankly, MY FAIR VIKING is my best selling book, ever, and largely due to that cover. BTW, did you notice the red nail enamel on my tenth century Viking lady?
3) I always say it’s a good thing that I write humor because I need to have a sense of humor over some of my covers. Would you believe that some of my fans examine my covers with magnifying glasses and there are some really interesting…well, that’s another story. But, honestly, the two covers mentioned above are not that bad. I have my personal bag-over-the-head cover and it’s neither of those,
and not even the finger one, either.
And, whoo-boy, wait ‘til you see the cover on VIKING UNCHAINED if you have trouble with these. (ducking my head here)
4) I love the covers on my Jinx treasure hunting books, especially the current WILD JINX, but guess what? The powers that be say that the big buyers do not consider these good covers. Pretty is not necessarily good, I guess.
5) I always say that I welcome constructive criticism, but in the case of cover art it is a losing battle unless you let the publishers know how you feel. The way you do that is buying books with covers you like, or telling the publishers directly.
As always, I wish you smiles in your reading, and in this case, your cover art, too.
Sandra Hill
Good for you, Sandra, for holding onto your sense of humor over the covers! You’re right, the author doesn’t have much, if any, control over cover art, so sometimes you just have to grin and bear it—ideally, all the way to the bank.[g]