Happy Birthday Candy

According to my web research, the 30th anniversary gift is traditionally pearls or diamonds. But here at Smart Bitch headquarters, the traditional gift to mark the passing of the big 3-0 is something very very different.

The 30th birthday at Smart Bitches: the year of the Mantitty Mullet. And here to pay tribute to Candy on her 30th birthday are some of the finest mantitty mullet men ever to walk the earth – and remember, I grew up in Pittsburgh during the years of Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux, so I know whereof I mullet. Only the finest mulleted mantitty shall express their luuuuurve® for Candy’s 30th. Read on. 

Chuck Norris: “Unauthorized use of my name, my mullet, or my mantitty is expressly forbidden. Ass kicking shall commence now. Except for Candy, because her eyes are like the finest molten chocolate, and her skin like dewy leaves on the newest lilac.”

Mark Twain: “Rumors of my mullet are greatly exaggerated. However, my mantitty is verbose and brilliant, as is Candy.”

Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance: “My feet are not the only thing that is flaming, mi’love. My heart beats wildly under my sweaty chest, and only Candy can soothe my flaming torment.”

Lou Ferrigno: “Inside one of my lucious pectorals, I’ve hidden Andy Dick. It is my gift to Candy.”

Lou Ferrigno: “Shit, he escaped. Sorry, Candy, my love. Come and comfort me in my moment of shame?”

William Shatner: “Alas… I do not have… a mullet…. But I do… have…a waxed chest. Come… and feel the splendor….Candy.”

Bruce Lee: “Even from beyond the grave, lithe mantitty and Asian mullet are full of win. I love you, Candy.”

John Stamos: “Come and join me in the hot tub, Candy, before the bubbles wash away my other nipple.”

Carrot Top: “What, a tribute of mullets and mantitty without ME? It would be like having screaming cuntmonkeys without Candy. Inconceivable!”

Ok, ok, you’re right. That was uncalled for. Here, to cleanse the palette:

Sebastián Rulli: “Not all mullets are bad, mi amor. My hot mullet, let me show you it.”

Andy Lau: I do not have a mullet, but I am Andy Lau, and I know I am the perfect 30th present for Candy.”

Ladies, feel free to post your mantitty mullet celebrants in the comments. Try not to make the image too big, though.

Happy birthday Candy! Have a great one!