Happy Birthday Candy

According to my web research, the 30th anniversary gift is traditionally pearls or diamonds. But here at Smart Bitch headquarters, the traditional gift to mark the passing of the big 3-0 is something very very different.

The 30th birthday at Smart Bitches: the year of the Mantitty Mullet. And here to pay tribute to Candy on her 30th birthday are some of the finest mantitty mullet men ever to walk the earth – and remember, I grew up in Pittsburgh during the years of Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux, so I know whereof I mullet. Only the finest mulleted mantitty shall express their luuuuurve® for Candy’s 30th. Read on. 


Chuck Norris: “Unauthorized use of my name, my mullet, or my mantitty is expressly forbidden. Ass kicking shall commence now. Except for Candy, because her eyes are like the finest molten chocolate, and her skin like dewy leaves on the newest lilac.”


Mark Twain: “Rumors of my mullet are greatly exaggerated. However, my mantitty is verbose and brilliant, as is Candy.”


Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance: “My feet are not the only thing that is flaming, mi’love. My heart beats wildly under my sweaty chest, and only Candy can soothe my flaming torment.”


Lou Ferrigno: “Inside one of my lucious pectorals, I’ve hidden Andy Dick. It is my gift to Candy.”


Lou Ferrigno: “Shit, he escaped. Sorry, Candy, my love. Come and comfort me in my moment of shame?”


William Shatner: “Alas… I do not have… a mullet…. But I do… have…a waxed chest. Come… and feel the splendor….Candy.”


Bruce Lee: “Even from beyond the grave, lithe mantitty and Asian mullet are full of win. I love you, Candy.”


John Stamos: “Come and join me in the hot tub, Candy, before the bubbles wash away my other nipple.”


Carrot Top: “What, a tribute of mullets and mantitty without ME? It would be like having screaming cuntmonkeys without Candy. Inconceivable!”

Ok, ok, you’re right. That was uncalled for. Here, to cleanse the palette:


Sebastián Rulli: “Not all mullets are bad, mi amor. My hot mullet, let me show you it.”


Andy Lau: I do not have a mullet, but I am Andy Lau, and I know I am the perfect 30th present for Candy.”

Ladies, feel free to post your mantitty mullet celebrants in the comments. Try not to make the image too big, though.

Happy birthday Candy! Have a great one!


General Bitching...

Comments are Closed

  1. Cat Marsters says:


    Sean Bean: “Eh up, lass, if me mullet don’t do it for you, how about me impressive, fully cocked weapon?”

  2. Charlene says:

    It’s the guy from the cover of The Black Dragon!

  3. Carrie Lofty says:

    “While I’m savin’ the world, I’m thinkin’ of you, Candy. And the dyin’ folks. And The Edge. But mostly Candy.”

  4. Carrie Lofty says:

    Me & the HTML, we are not friends. And the “preview” function is missing. Help?

  5. Wow.  I don’t have any mulletliciousness to share, but thank you, SB Sarah for saving the best for last!

    Happy birthday, Candy!

    Now ‘scuse me, I have to go back and look at Sebastian and Andy again.  And again.

  6. I have no mantitty to offer you – just best wishes for a great birthday!

  7. TracyS says:


    Ah, a mulleted Patrick Swayze riding up to save you on his white horse!!

    Happy Birthday Candy!

  8. ManningVV says:


    Master my Universe
    Happy 30th!

  9. Sandra D says:

    Happy Birthday Candy, may it Hofftastic!

    Sarah TY for making me chortle out loud.

  10. Barb Ferrer says:

    A blast from the mulletastic past, Candy—have a GREAT one!


  11. Happy Birthday Candy!  I hope that you are not too scarred by that picture of Carrot Top to celebrate.

  12. Brandi says:

    Er, I don’t think 70s feather cuts == mullets, although that’s a great Leif Garrett picture.

    Now enjoy some tasty seafood:

  13. Miri says:

    Happy 30th Candy! I can’t top all the wonderful mullet candy your getting from the other girls but if I could i’d send you this:


  14. azteclady says:

    I don’t know how to add a picture so I’ll just say, “Think Josh Holloway/Sawyer from LOST” and enjoy your day! Best wishes, Candy!

  15. Barb Ferrer says:

    Heh—think of it as the PRE-mullet, Brandi.  There are some definite early mullet indicators there.  🙂

  16. Barb Ferrer says:

    And more Sebastian Rullí, complete with mantitty.


  17. Zoe Archer says:

    How do you insert pictures with html?  I have a lovely gift for Candy!

  18. Candy says:

    Oh mah gah. Thanks, bitches! (I think.) I loff all of you.

    OK, off to the doctor to see what he can do about that ruptured spleen after I saw that carrot top picture.

  19. RStewie says:

    Sorry…I’m looking forward to watching this.

  20. RStewie says:

    Dammit.  Where’s the pic?


    Anyhoo…Happy 30th!!  I just got there myself, an it was great!  I think I’m finally an adult!

    spamword bring49…I couldn’t even bring one pic.  How do you do that, anyway?

  21. Candy says:

    The more I look at Mark Twain, the more hypnotized I am by that magnificent handlebar. Like I was telling Sarah earlier, I would’ve hit that like a hurricane if I’d been alive back in the day.

    Also, for those of you wondering how to post pictures, you can use the following code:

    <img src=“http://whatever.the.url.is.jpg&#8221; />

  22. Zoe Archer says:

    Happy 30th Birfday, Candy!

  23. darlynne says:

    I’ve never seen Sebastian Rullí before so this is like Happy Birthday to me, too!

    All the best, Candy.

  24. L.C. McCabe says:


    French Rugby superstar Sebastien Chabal.

  25. L.C. McCabe says:

    And another baring his chest for your viewing pleasure.

  26. Tina says:

    Orlando Bloom (with man titty) says, “Candy, you are my Kingdom of Heaven!”

    service58?  Somehow, it seems appropriate to the conversation.

  27. Christina says:

    All those born in 1978, holla!

    Happy Birthday, Candy!

  28. robinb says:

    Happy Birthday, girl! 

    And whoever posted Leif was just WRONG! 🙂

  29. MamaNice says:

    Happy birthday from the K-O-M.

    Only the best for your birthday Candy!

  30. MamaNice says:

    Now he’s the F-K-O-M (Former King of Mullets)

    Someone (not me) actually put this together…now you may enjoy!

  31. Happy, happy birthday, Candy! I hope you’re having a fantastic day, filled with lots of mullets … uhm … (I’d prefer chocolate fudge cake, to be honest, but that’s just me *g*)

    Here’s a Mr. Gutenberg with a funny hat for you. Enjoy! (No mullet in sight, but long, long beard, as far as I can tell).

  32. Barb Ferrer says:

    And whoever posted Leif was just WRONG!

    Hey now!  Don’t make me go lookin’ for the mantitty Leif picture.



    The Bay City Rollers!

  33. Freezair says:

    I agree that some of these cuts don’t scream “mullet” so much as “feather cut,” which I will personally admit to finding rather cute—but it’s all amusing anyway.

    Happy Birthday, Candy! Hulk Hogan, his mullet, AND his mustache wish you a happy one!

    Saddest piece of trivia I know: Hulk Hogan hosted the official Pokemon 10th Anniversary party/festival/thing. Whyyyyyy?

  34. michelle says:

    Happy Birthday Candy.  Hope you have a wonderful day.

  35. Happy Birthday, you thing from another world, you!

    And to everyone: thanks for all the mullets. I haven’t laughed this hard since…Jesus, I can’t remember. Bay City Rollers and Hulk Hogan on one webpage. I’m thinking it’s a wonder the server does not splode.


  36. E.D'Trix says:

    Here’s hoping this works…

    It’s all well and good to love the mullets, Candy—but whatever you do, AVOID THIS ONE. It is hazardous to your health, yo!

  37. Susan/DC says:

    The link is to scenes from La Mome/La Vie en Rose, the recent film about Edith Piaf.  I thought it appropriate for Candy’s birthday for two reasons:  1) Je ne regrette rien is the perfect song for a 30th b-day and 2) at 1:22 into the video you get Jean Pierre Martins.  No mullet but one very fine looking man.


    spam filter word:  feeling32—at least I didn’t link to a video of someone singing “Feelings” . . .

  38. Susan/DC says:

    My magic fingers flew way too fast and I messed up, so here’s trying again (30th b-days are worth a bit of extra effort):

  39. Denni says:

    Alas, if I was a smarter bitch, I could post a picture also.

    Happy bitchy birthday wishes Candy!

  40. talpianna says:

    J’adore Edith Piaf!

    Sorry, I have no mullets to offer, but I understand other seafood is acceptable.  So:  Have a clam!


    Better yet, dance the night away with Pubert the Disco Clam!

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