Gemma sent us the following two covers. In the interest of politeness, I definitely said, “Thank you.” I would not say the same to the art department.
Sarah: Dear Lover England: Apparently I must lie back and think of you, even though I am distracted by the tingling sensation in my womanly parts. Is that normal? Love, your darling Schnookums.
Candy: 65-year-old playboy Humbert England was ecstatic when he snagged what he thought was a nubile 22-year-old playmate…except he found out for himself the advanced state of elective surgery when he discovered not just cobwebs in a Certain Place, but spiders, too.
Sarah: That woman in the middle, Nurse Scratchet, is wondering why these two grinning nimbobs haven’t gotten the message. “The Rose and the Thorn?” The fire in their respective nether parts? What does she have to do, spell it out for them: “YOU PEOPLE HAVE VENERAL DISEASE!”
Candy: Why are there children sitting around a bonfire in these people’s crotches? Seriously. Kids. In people’s crotches. Not cool.
Sarah: “…and the name ‘Rosamund’ will be forever synonymous with mammoth breasts no puffy shirt can hide.”
No wonder the poor thing needs a walking stick. Holy shit.
Candy: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge…tracts of land.
Sorry for going for the obvious joke, but it’s not as if those bodice puppies are especially subtle.
Spiders attacking the castle? I tried to read that book, it was THE SWORD by Jean Johnson. I could never touch a book with spiders on the cover (didn’t finish The Sword once the spiders appeared, yuck).
Trumystic…cover snarks are never to be mistaken for book reviews. We all know authors almost never get to choose their own cover art. Many fine books (esp. romances) have truely awful covers.
Mercorir…“smacking…kicking ass, and taking names”? I haven’t read Beatrice Small in 20 years, but as I recall the only thing the heroine will be “taking” is cock from every villan in the book.
The thing that got me right off was seeing “Bertrice _Small_” next to those huge boobs. Ah the irony…
Seems like the only thing “small” about that woman is her head. Doesn’t it look small? Then again, compared to those chestie-pillows, anything would.