Gemma sent us the following two covers. In the interest of politeness, I definitely said, “Thank you.” I would not say the same to the art department.
Sarah: Dear Lover England: Apparently I must lie back and think of you, even though I am distracted by the tingling sensation in my womanly parts. Is that normal? Love, your darling Schnookums.
Candy: 65-year-old playboy Humbert England was ecstatic when he snagged what he thought was a nubile 22-year-old playmate…except he found out for himself the advanced state of elective surgery when he discovered not just cobwebs in a Certain Place, but spiders, too.
Sarah: That woman in the middle, Nurse Scratchet, is wondering why these two grinning nimbobs haven’t gotten the message. “The Rose and the Thorn?” The fire in their respective nether parts? What does she have to do, spell it out for them: “YOU PEOPLE HAVE VENERAL DISEASE!”
Candy: Why are there children sitting around a bonfire in these people’s crotches? Seriously. Kids. In people’s crotches. Not cool.
Sarah: “…and the name ‘Rosamund’ will be forever synonymous with mammoth breasts no puffy shirt can hide.”
No wonder the poor thing needs a walking stick. Holy shit.
Candy: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge…tracts of land.
Sorry for going for the obvious joke, but it’s not as if those bodice puppies are especially subtle.
I wonder if she’s in her nightie? The makeup and hair are less excusable in my opinion.
This tiny summary on abebooks indicates that it’s not Elizabeth herself that’s on the cover: “Intrigue, excitement, handsome courtiers, maid of honor to Queen Elizabeth I …” and another: “The deceptively fragile hand of Elizabeth I of England manipulate the destinies of everyone around her-including that of her beautiful but strangely tormented maid of honor.”
Which makes sense since this is a Harlequin Historical and should have a HEA or, in other words, wedding.
Well that makes more sense Gemma, I was wondering how the author could write about Elizabeth herself and it still fall in the HEA category.
beautiful but strangely tormented maid of honor
Tormented by spiders perhaps?!?
And oh lord, did Katherine Hepburn pose for the cover of The Rose and Thorn?
Actually, I was thinking Captain Janeway.
Cover 1 is the most batshit insane thing I’ve ever seen. She’s Queen Elizabeth Peroxide O’Hara of the Anachronistic Mascara; he’s John O’Hurley in a 70s haircut and a Renaissance clown outfit. They seem to be living in a universe where the Spanish Armada has been replaced by giant man-eating tarantulas.
Is Pamela Bennetts a pseudonym for Terry Pratchett?
Yes, Kirsten, that’s it: Captain Janeway goes back in time to meet…Mikhail Baryshnikov in a bad blue suit?
My guess on the spiders is that someone slips some in a bed as part of an assassination attempt?
Yes, a lifetime of no-prizing has made me horribly logical when trying to explain the unexplainable. Personally, I much prefer the “giant spiders attacking the castle” interpretation! I’d pay ten bucks to see that movie.
You’re not the only one; both my husband and I were wondering about that, especially since the overall picture (if that’s supposed to be the entire cover) seems a bit squarer than any mass-market (or even trade) paperbacks on my shelves.
The Mole has solved the mystery of the spiders! (or so she thinks)
Since the information provided indicates that the heroine is not the Queen but one of her ladies, I think it may be about Sir Walter Raleigh. The Queen was never happy, and often vengeful, when one of her favorites married, especially without her leave:
In 1591, Raleigh was secretly married to Elizabeth (“Bess”) Throckmorton (or Throgmorton). She was one of the Queen’s ladies-in-waiting, eleven years his junior, and was pregnant at the time of their marriage. She gave birth to a son, believed to be named “Damerei”, who was given to a wet nurse at Durham House; the infant does not seem to have survived, and Bess resumed her duties. The following year, the unauthorized marriage was discovered and the Queen ordered Raleigh imprisoned and Bess dismissed from court. He was released from prison to divide the spoils from a captured Spanish ship, the Madre de Dios (“Mother of God”).Wikipedia
Perhaps the spiders symbolize the imprisonment? Although if one were well off, or had rich friends who would provide bribes, one could live quite comfortably in a sort of house-arrest situation in the Tower.
Mikhail Baryshnikov in a bad blue suit?
Nah, that’s totally Chakotay, sans tattoo.
In some kind of Holodeck fanfiction nightmare.
At least there’s no corn involved. (If anyone actually gets that joke, I’ll be …well, either delighted or horrified. Semi-obscure ST:V fanfiction jokes FTW!)
And, ah, I’d just like to say that it has been at least 6 years since I went near an ST:V fanfiction site.
I will admit to having read Dear Lover England; unfortunately, it was twenty years ago and I no longer have a copy, though the abebooks summary helped me remember a bit.
The heroine was a maid of honour; for some reason, someone was trying to drive her crazy or make people believe she was insane. I think one incident did involve spiders, possibly in her bedroom; she ran from the room, and the spiders were gone when she returned with help. Of course, the heroine is strangely attracted to the person she thinks is responsible.
I think it was set well before the incident with Raleigh; the possibility of the queen marrying Robert Dudley was discussed, and his wife’s death (1560) was in the recent past.
Those Harlequin Historicals all had appalling covers; The Rose and the Thorn makes me think of westerns, for some reason.
I must confess to a liking for the Rosamund cover – it may lack any historical oomph, which is regrettable, but on the upside the heroine looks like she has a spine. Any second now she’ll be smacking people with that stick, kicking ass and taking names.
The Rose and the Thorn, on the other hand – wtf is with the kids having a campfire around their crotches? 0.o
I took another look at the Rose & Thorn—the checkered tablecloth & wooden poles in back make it look like they’re in a barn—it’s like the holodeck program hiccuped & Janeway and Chacotay ended up in a Western, but he’s dressed like Gomez Adams & she looks like a schoolmarm.
My husband and I were laughing because Rosamund has my hair, exactly, and I said, “Too bad I don’t also have her big ol’ boobs.” (even preggers, mine aren’t nearly that impressive). Which prompted the spouse to wonder if “bigolboobs.com or would that be bigoleboobs.com?” was taken as a domain name. I didn’t have the guts (or the tits, as the case may be) to type that into my browser.
As for Rose/Thorn, a: that chick looks like Anne of Green Gables and b: now I can’t get that damn Poison song out of my head…(btw, I think Bret Michaels is wearing a wig, held in place by his everpresent bandanna…)
Personally, I think Pamela must have pissed someone off at her publishers, and they doodled those nasty spiders on to her cover art.
Brianna, you think Rosamund ever gets asked about her drapes and carpet?
Hell no – bitch would smack ‘em with boobybalance stick!
I’ve never read Dear Lover England but I did read a novel about the Borgias by Pamela Bennetts. It was more historical than romance, it wasn’t very good and it was in hard cover.
For Rose/Thorn, I’m channeling Bob Seeger:
“They all got one thing in common—
They got the fire down below!!”
(must. stop. looking. at. Rosamund’s. boobs.)
Word: seen61. Umm, 61DD’s, maybe?
MamaNice – I have a feeling that the questioner’s head would soon become very familiar with Rosie’s walking stick!
MamaNice, http://www.bigolboobs.com gets ‘server not found’ the one time I tried it. http://www.bigoleboobs.com gets redirected to http://www.bigtitpatrol.com.
LOL @ the spiders. If I ever actually manage to improve my mad fiction writing skillz to the point that I can get a book published then I just MAY write a romance with a herione who breeds tarantulas for fun and profit. Actually, I know quite a few women who keep pet tarantulas and reptiles (for example, ME! *g*)
Rosamund definitely has a pet Doberman on the cover, with uncut ears. I actually have seen a few that were close to that color (there’s a cinnamon variation that I don’t know is kosher with the AKC, but does exist). AFAIK keeping their ears floppy is a fairly recent thing, though. I can see why the artist would have used undocked ears on a romance cover, it makes the dog look friendlier. A greyhound would have been a better choice, though.
Um, don’t click on those last two links unless you want to go to a titty site. I didn’t think the board would have added the http:// to it. o.O
I still think it’s a Scottish deerhound wannabe.
http://www.gotpetsonline.com/pictures-gallery/dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/scottish-deerhound-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/pictures/scottish-deerhound-0001.jpg
feed69—- not touching that one
As a former used bookseller, the spiders and castle show that ‘Dear lover England’ is a Gothic. Just a little horror to liven up the sex…
Nah, that dog is waaaay too small to be a deerhound. Deerhounds are HUGE, if it was a deerhound its shoulder would be where the dog that’s pictured head is.
Plus, the dog in the picture is smooth coated, and deerhounds (as well as their cousins, the Irish Wolfhounds) definitely aren’t.
I didn’t say it was a deerhound, I said it was a wannabe.
Rosamund is still abundant at the Amazon site, where you can see an unstretched image.
“Those Harlequin Historicals all had appalling covers; “
Ain’t it the truth. If anybody can find the cover to Puritan Wife, it is truly snarkworthy. I really liked that book, but the cover was Bad. I remember the couple looked like they were playing dress up in clothes 3 or 4 sizes too big, and they had the longest faces.
Platedlizard – brava, brave soul…I still didn’t click, but I love the redirect address. Sounds like a site created by a trio of junior high boys.
Hmmm…bigtitpatrol…do you think they have uniforms or badges? Do they carry walkie talkies and use code?
Mayhap Fabio has been spotted by this patrol?
vfword: give27, yeah, I can give at least 27 reasons why I won’t click on that site!
“AFAIK keeping their ears floppy is a fairly recent thing, though.”
In the USA, yes. In the UK it is normal, and has been for more than 70 years. The cropping of dogs’ ears has been illegal here since the 1930s, and I have never seen a Dobermann with cropped ears in the flesh. Tail-docking, however, remained legal here till very recently, but is now under quite tight legal constraints.
Oddly enough, very extreme cropping of dogs’ ears was common in the 16th-19th centuries in Europe, so even if that animal on the cover is intended to be some kind of indeterminate hound, it might have been more accurate to have given him mutilated ears than natural ones. They were not cut to a point and made to stand up, in the way that modern cropping of Great Danes, Boxers, Dobermanns and so on are done in the countries where it is still legal: the medieval/early modern style was simply to excise most of the ear-flap.
Rosamund definitely has a pet Doberman on the cover, with uncut ears. I actually have seen a few that were close to that color (there’s a cinnamon variation that I don’t know is kosher with the AKC, but does exist).
Dobermans come in four allowed colors in the U.S. and the UK. Black, Brown (called red here but it’s really not, it’s brown), Blue (a dark steel blue) and Fawn/Isabella (a silvery beige). You can see all four colors at http://www.dpca.org/PublicEd/PEC/PECFourColors.html#
As for cropping, yes, it’s been illegal in the U.K for many years but was certainly not illegal in the 16th century. OTOH, the Dobe didn’t exist then either. Cropping is legal in many countries including the US, Canada, South America, etc. As food for thought—dogs with dropped ears are far more prone to ear infections than dogs with prick ears. When you see feral and wild dogs (and wolves, and coyotes) they ALL have prick ears. Dropped ears are just as much a man-made invention as cropped ones are…
Thanks very much for the information about Dobermann colours. I have not known or even seen all that many of these dogs, and they were all black-and-tans; even my dog reference books, going back to the 1950s, only illustrate that colour. I think I’d have a hard time identifying a red or isabella-coloured Dobermann with confidence, but they must be very handsome.
To say that pendant ears are ‘man-made’ is a slight exaggeration: they are certainly one result of domestication, since, as you rightly say, all wild canids have erect ears. But that does not mean that floppy ears were created or selected by humans. Many physiological changes of domestication occur without direct human intervention, and one of these is neoteny – the retention of some juvenile characteristics into adulthood. That may well be involved in the evolution of hanging ears. Dogs with pendant ears are represented in Egyptian and Mesopotamian art of 3000 years ago and more – admittedly recent in terms of the time that Canis familiaris has been in existence – but still a fair period of time. Incidentally, not all feral dogs, such as Middle Eastern pariah dogs, have erect ears; some have half-folded ears like those of greyhounds. Only truly wild species, wolves, coyotes, jackals, foxes etc. are invariably prick-eared.
In the same way, only the domestic dog amongst the canids has developed the tail form that curls up over the back (often seen in otherwise very wolf-like breeds), and that trait, too, has been around for millennia. Changes like this do not need to have been deliberately selected by human action, as in modern breeding practice. They can occur as natural sports and mutations, which then become fixed through natural breeding within limited genetic pools.
Yes on drop ears being one of those things that just happened. However, we of course then exaggerated it into super long, heavy ears like the spaniel ear. And let me tell you, I wouldn’t trade my cropped ears for that for any amount of money. Constant ear care, constant battling of infections, lots of recurring pain for the dog. Thanks no!
Of course our cover Doberman, time-travelled from the future (along with those glorious boobs I suspect) probably has magically perfect ears.
We know the rules! Historical romance heroines never have thick leg hair, yeast infections, armpit hair (or odor for that matter), or even earwax.
Equally, historical romance heroine dogs do not ever suffer from earwax buildup, ear infections, hip dysplasia, or any of that nonsense.
And let me add, as the owner of a dog with perineal hernias, I’d love to go send poor Logan back in time so he can be dipped in the perfection that is historical romance land. Please!
It would spare him and me a lot of trips to the vet!
Guys, no time for love. Giant tarantulas are attacking your castle.
Here’s the Puritan Wife cover.
You can see many of the earliest HH covers here (on my fan site!).
I am fairly terrified by spiders. I still haven’t got over that cover, so I had to share it with everyone to ensure maximum traumatisation.
“Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.” That explains the dog, right? Right.
Spiders. *shiver* As someone mentioned, you’d have to touch them as you were reading the book. I’d be more comfortable touching real spiders than touching crazy about to jump off the page and take over the world spiders.
well at least she’s stacked. That bodice would probably look the same or similar on me. Makes me feel better than there’s a romance novel cover woman that makes me feel small. So much for being a Valkyrie.
Dear Lover England: Dear Lord, it’s mannikin sex! No wonder the spiders are running away. Both of them look like wax figures. Or dolls. It’s Barbie and Ken having sex in the Barbie Dream Castle, which is too big to leave in your room and gets stored away in the attic where the big scary spiders have colonized it. Mommy, mommy, spiders!
Rose + Thorn: I can see the brainstorming session now. It’ll be like Oklahoma! crossed with Upstairs, Downstairs…And we’ll throw in some band camp just to make things interesting!
Rosamund: You come near me I beatchu like a dog! I beatchu so hard you’ll spontaneously mutate like my dog. Then nobody know what breed you are!
…And not to be staring at the munds of Rosa or anything, but does it appear to anyone else that her right breastie is about twice the size of her left breastie? Maybe *that’s* what has her looking so grouchy.
What gives me pause at this space in time (I did read the HHs when they came out) is how completely asinine it was to put spiders on the cover of a book meant for women.
Guess they were thinking “These hairy spiders so beloved of women will lure more of them to buy this book.”
Right.
I think that we readers as usual just ignored the covers as much as possible in our desperate search for content. The books themselves weren’t bad, although they certainly weren’t memorable. They were YA in tone, as if they were not originally written for adult women. Which at the time was quite a contrast to the rape sagas and bimbo sagas (yes, actual bodice rippers) and other very adult content being published as historical romance. Like Bertrice Small, come to think of it. How ironic that they all end up on the same cover snark page.
“Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.†Well, to some degree, yes, but that wasn’t actually my point. 😉
I was commenting that domestication is not simply the result of deliberate human action, in the way that (for example) modern pedigree breeding creates a particular type of animal. Many of the differences between wild and domesticated animals of closely related species came about quite independently of human preferences and intentions.