Ok, ok, I lied. All that advertising we sell? Goes to pay the bill for the private investigator (a hardened crusty man – read into that whatever you like – with a heart of gold) who has been tailing Candy through her first semester of law school. And look what we found upon review of his dossier:
Sarah: Oh dear! Someone dressed Candy in charmeuse, (a most sweaty fabric, poor dear) permed her hair within an inch of her life, AND sent a neckless woolly mammoth lumberjack after her. Unless that’s her con law professor and the beard is symbolic of the precarious state of gay rights in the US as threatened by constitutional amendments against gay marriage. In which case… nah, still awful.
Jane: The final score is that she can’t get away from him fast enough, but his arms and his wild woolly facial hair are holding Candy so tight that you cannot tell where her permed ringlets ends and his bushy beard begins.
Sarah: More charmeuse? Dude. WTF is going on in that law school? Now Candy is posing as a Lana Turner wannabe with a man-jaw, trying to probe the briefs of a man whose head is much, much too small for his body. Perhaps she’s writing his will, which allows me to snicker like a 5th grader while I type the word “testator.”
Jane: I’m fairly certain that charmeuse during test taking is only allowed for those individuals whose names end with a three or a four and whose first names are some derivation of a rabbit, i.e., Muffy Turner III so if this is indeed Candy, she must have changed her name. It’s the rules. In this test however, it is important to note that the size of the guy’s nipple and areole is about the size of her palm so either she has the tiny hands of those Chinese children who stitched together her charmeuese nightgown or he’s had some botched plastic surgery. Also, what is with the tea towels over her hip? Is it to hide some ugly stain caused by the mishandling of roses during foreplay?
Sarah: Awww, yeah, NOW we’re talkin! It’s finals week, and Candy has flung off her clothing in favor of… long strips of corrugated cardboard. And invited a substantially malnourished judge to bring his gavel into her steamy chambers.
Jane: You can tell he’s a judge because they are so uptight that they even wear jeans into the sauna. I smell a lawsuit for not clearly warning what a person should wear in a sauna. Two waffle weave towels are okay but denim is not.
*snicker* I’m only a spouse who endured her other half’s law school finals, but I would say this is exactly what Candy needs right now.
The “lucky” fellow in cover 3 appears to be barfing over Cardboard Candy’s shoulder. I don’t blame him; I feel like hurling, too.
If you think “testator” is funny, wait ‘till Torts class…I used to giggle like a lunatic when my professor used the word “duty.”
Also, good luck on your finals! I’ll be crossing my fingers and sending you good thoughts.
I laughed at Muffy Turner III. Good one, Jane.
How long is Candy going to be in finals? Enough time to have Mrs. Giggles sub for cover snark duty one of those days perhaps? I mean, she did start it all.
Face67: wow, that many tests, Candy?
I can see what that seduction is the final one. Dude puked all over his own chest!
Of course I meant WHY that seduction is the final one. Sometimes I’m cracking up too much—or on too much crack—to hit the right keys.
Ohhh baby that turbie towel gets me so hot.
Did you get the free hand lotion heater for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling?
I’ve been having this fantasy…
Man, guys will do anything to get their Levis “shrink to fit” jeans skin tight.
Does anyone else think the dude on the first cover looks like Chuck Norris?
So, it looks a bit like Candy is being mauled by Walker, Texas Ranger…hehehehehehehe!
Good luck on your finals, Candy!
And shifting gears: Where are the second guy’s legs!?!? Seriously, it looks like he has no legs!. That cover just creeps me out.
And my word verification is gone92. Yep, his legs are gone alright.
I don’t mind that first one. It’s nice to see 1970’s James Brolin getting work.
Actually, that first one looks like Bo and Hope from Days of Our Lives, 80s style.
Joanna S., I thought the same thing immediately. Good to know Candy has an excellent bodyguard to protect her during her finals!
We don’t actually move onto silks until the third year…
And a judge in her first semester? Damn, she must have done better than some, most of us only got teachers into our steamy chambers—a judge can get you a job!
😉
Rae: “A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.”
Who knew charmeuse is such a powerful aphrodisiac that it must be used with caution around lumberjacks.
Hey, he’s a lumberjack and he’s okay!
… and it is really sad that it’s taken me over 24 hours to figure out that all the books have “FINAL” in the title. And that’s why it’s a special Candy-centric edition of cover snark. You know, before I had kids, I used to have a brain.
*headdesk*
I’m DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL FINALS! Thank God! I’m two days late to the comments, but I’m done with my finals! And only one semester’s worth of finals to go! Then I, too, can wear stunning fabrics and dislocate my own neck and limbs!