Bitchery reader Bettie sent me a link to yet another vagina-themed accessory: the velvet vulva purse.
Gotta love the strategic positioning of said velvet vulva on the absurdly pale and oddly-posed model’s groin, eh?
This got me thinking: perhaps the Gift of the Year might be the Vulva Turducken. Instead of a boneless turkey stuffed with a boneless duck stuffed with a boneless chicken, everyone on your gift list could receive a a crochet vulva pin stuffed inside a fluffy pussy purse nestled inside a Velvet Vulva purse – preferably the one with realistic fur trim and buckskin fringe. Because every vulva turducken needs fringe.
Turduckens are supposed to be a Lousiana thing, right? The vulva version sounds like the perfect accessory for Mardi Gras… that is, if you opt to wear clothes.
There’s a book called Doctors & Nurses (by Lucy Ellman, I think) in which a character obsessively collects purses and compares them to vaginas. But it is A METAPHOR.
Gotta wonder how long it took the marketing department to decide on an adjective for the Wondrous Vulva Puppet.
Fabulous Vulva Puppet? Too vague.
Vivacious Vulva Puppet? Too alliterative.
Creepy Vulva Puppet?
I’m all for lady parts, but this is all so… literal. Also sexist. Where are the Foreskin Wallets? The Scrotum Change Purses? The Pervy Penis Puppets?
Uh, one of those pictures on that website looks like a tissue dispenser. Actually, that could be a hilarious tissue dispenser—you know, you pull the kleenex out of the “box” 😉 LOL
“the sacred portal to the feminine temple.”
seriously???
Whatever happened to the good old squash blossom necklace?
Velvet V base purse: $175
“the largest, most intricately structured”: $375
the copy on this site : priceless
“because you can never have too many vulvas”
verification word: feel37 – I’m so not going there
okay, I’m sorry, but that pile o’ pussies just laid out there? ickers. it looks like Buffalo Bill had a yard sale. *urp*
Holy crap! My jaw just hit the floor. Those are the ugliest, weirdest, kind of skeeviest thing I’ve ever seen! One of the things I’ve always appreciated about my female body is how everything is tucked up all neatly inside. I mean, I enjoy dangly bits on a man, but on me, I’m all for neat-and-tidy. I feel no need to wear a gaping-maw velvet purse with glistening red love-lips accented with faux pear “clitoris” over my crotch. Whoa! Just…whoa. (Although I have to admit I laughed at the “Big Capacity Bags” and the ones with fringes. Sort of a horrified laugh. Well, more of a verbal recoil, actually. And did you see the hat? Is that some kind of mystical rebirth thing?)
I’m still laughing over this
.. suitable for cell phone and day-planner…
after all the struggles that women have had to be taken seriously in the corporate world, can you imagine trying to setup a meeting with some corporate head honcho & pulling your daytimer out of that??
OMG, the YOni site! I couldn’t have imagined there’d be two places selling vulva-themed fashion accessories. Obviously, there must be a market.
Two things about the Velvet Vulva purses 1) the “artist” writes that the idea came to her “in the shower”. I do not want to contemplate the series of actions that led to her thinking, “Hey, this would make a great purse!”
2) The “Big Capacity Bags” section scares me.
“Naturally, what you put in your Velvet V can have tremendous symbolic and magickal significance.”
Words to live by. Like, maybe the last thing a girl should think, at bartime in a college town.
And remember, if you’re using this thing to carry a cell phone?
Set it on vibrate.
Oh…had to laugh at this. A dear (gay) friend of mind referred to the virginny as a “velvet purse” back in the Eighties. (Hey, we old fux got the jump on ya!)
Actually, I can see these in an alternative history Tutor costume drama. Sort of the female version of the codpiece used by ladies to try to lure in young men who of course would be attracted to the most showy velvet vulva.
service43? No way. Not even with the large capacity model
So if a pick pocket sticks his hand in your vulva-purse, is that rape?
I think I will invent the penis wallet and ball sack change purse. Now THAT would make a statement!
Okaaaay…
So should we keep one near our bedsides to delicately hold a vibrator/dildo?
Do we use it for “show and tell” with new lovers to make sure they know the bits and how they work?
Can I put six baby dolls in the capacious bag and tell people I took fertility drugs? And if a news crew shows up, can I demonstrate the process on air?
Like the whole concept wasn’t enough to put me off dinner, I had to deal with the pretentiousness of magical-with-a-k. What, the word is MORE SPECIALER with an unnecessary letter in it?
Did you see the prices on those things? Yikes.
Dear Lord. The most frightening sentence on the site? Machine washablity is available! (Indeed, the labia can be reshaped when damp, but not blown dry.)
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Closely followed by the line at the very bottom talking about special orders for hats, g-strings, and… and… A SLEEPING BAG???
My brain just melted.
I’m freakin’ rolling over here.
The matrimonial one?!?!
I can just see little Johnny the ring bearer, toddling down the isle of the church with a big ole vajay-jay in his hands.
“sumptuous fabric labia and a beautiful button clitoris” Seriously? What the hell is wrong with these people??? Or what the hell is wrong with me that I think something is wrong with them???
Damn you, Christine Merrell!! It’s going to take me half an hour to clean up the coffee I just snorfed all over the desk.
Set it on vibrate…….
I would hate to pass judgement on someone’s sexual preferences, but if some people are so desperate to put their hands into a fake pussy constantly, perhaps they need to try out the real thing.
I mean, once you’ve actually done it, I will just about guarantee you that your yearning to shove your digits inside those sad impersonations will fade dramatically.
[jeeze, us jaded dykes: can’t take us anywhere]
Oh, good Lord, the HAT!
Oh my good god. You know what the scariest thing is? That there are obviously people out there who are paying good money (exorbitent money!) for this….stuff. What the hell is that all about? I mean, I’m as happy to have a hoo-haa as the next girl but I don’t really feel the need to carry an extra one around with me that I can stuff random things into.
“Wait! I know it’s here in my Velvet Vulva somewhere. Let me feel around in there a little more…”
Large capacity bags? :::dies:::
I guess for many women the idea of celebrating the vulva is still novel and thrilling, but for me celebrating my sacred female yadda yadda involves more sex and fewer purses.
Also I like to respond to things like that with something along the lines of “As a pagan fundamentalist, I believe it is wrong to make a human representation of the most beautiful of the Goddess’s creations.”
And does anyone find it strange that the sacred hooha is now relegated to storage space?
I am a lousy housekeeper. But this has always been one of the areas in my life that does not need a week’s worth of decluttering when ‘company’s coming’.
“In a case of art imitating life, it has a vertical opening, with a button closure for security.”
Holy shit! Everybody else’s has a button closure for security? I didn’t realize I was vulvatically defective until now. Not to mention the security issue… Can I have one retroactively installed, do you think?