From Lovelien we have the following two fabulous submissions. And by submissions we mean… oh never mind.
Sarah: There is no doubt that this fool met Fortune, received one wish, and said, “I want to be bigger.” Only he didn’t specify where. That man could lactate. In fact, he might be doing so now.
Candy: The only thing that can outshine his man-titty is his bling. Seriously, look at that fucking gold chain. It’s bigger than my thumb! As Sarah’s hubby noted, if he lived in New Jersey, his name would almost definitely be Tony. Or maybe Ant’ny. Not Anthony. Ant’ny.
Candy: Remember back when Björk did that dead swan dress thing? Oh, that kooky Björk. It was horrifying, but kinda cute—which, when it comes down to it, is a pretty nifty encapsulation of Björkishness.
Somebody needs to tell this dude that it’s just horrifying and not even remotely cute when he does it with a) tapeworms, and b) wears it on his head.
Sarah: If the bleached out, glued on, polyester dreadlocks didn’t make you snort, the cover text will sneak in and spank your eyeballs till they begs for the mercy. Golden seduction? King of CUPS? I need to go lie down now. That’s just too much.
Lovelien suggests that the look they were trying for was along the lines of Jason Momoa:
And let’s be honest. If he were on erotica covers? I’d have to add on to my house to find room for them all. Because DAMN. *fans self*
And from Rachel we have this fine work of… something:
Sarah: From the “Obscenely Obvious Art Department” we have this brainfart of a cover. With three strings of pearls. Come on now! String of pearls?! Why not just call the book “Here be lots of sex and jism!”
Sadly, given the baby face, giant cranium, and muscular bulk of dude #1, I’m not sure the ‘roids will allow him to achieve gem production. There ain’t nothing spicy in his briefs.
Rachel says her favorite part is “the guy in the background who seems to be saying, “So, uh, guys? Threesome? Right? I mean, you said we were having a threesome tonight, so I just figured…no, it’s cool. I’ll wait.”
She’s right – he doesn’t look romantic or even sexy. He looks annoying like that guy who always wanted to copy your answers for the health test.
Candy: Egad! Never has a potential threesome looked more vanilla and boring. Any minute now, the guys are going to attempt to jockey for the anal sex position because they’ve never…you know…put it there before. And then their penises will accidentally touch. And then they’ll laugh nervously and continue with their business, but secretly, they’ll always wonder if that brief inter-penis touch made them gay.
Oh man…when I first saw the author’s name on the first cover, I almost coughed up a lung.
PLEASE, I thought, don’t tell me KT Tunstall has given up on music and started writing bad erotica
Then I saw the demure little “i” hiding out.
If it is KT Tunstall, I think I may well leap off a cliff.
Oh, and to add to the badness, the main female in “Gilt and Midnight” is named Miracula
oh dear lord! I am literally giggling myself into tears over here. Where do you FIND these things??? No wait, don’t tell me. I don’t think I want to know.
Jason Momoa though, now there’s a great idea for a cover. humina!
And let’s be honest. If he were on erotica covers? I’d have to add on to my house to find room for them all. Because DAMN. *fans self*
You can see him on Stargate Atlantis every Friday! In fact, I think this week’s episode will feature him kicking extensive amounts of ass and shooting many guns. Huzzah! *g*
Note: Dreads have grown bigger since Baywatch Hawaii. Also, leather pants.
I first read the top of the second cover as “Lord Tard”.
And why does the white streak in Ms. Pearl Necklace’s hair only affect the top half of her hair?
She’s Rogue! And will be mutant-draining his man-tittiness to add onto her own not insignificant rack.
My name is Guido! I can has bobacious double d’s.
Will they stop with the bad wig Photoshops already!!!! I have even seen them on Samhain. CHEAP, does the cover artist actually believe no one can tell that is a sad rushed splice job? At least make some attempt to try to give it some light correction and shadow.
Good lord, Gilt & Midnight would have never won your Gay Inspy cover contest. The guy in the back looks like he’s about to run away.
I GOT IT!
The EC model is Sideshow Bob out of makeup!
OMG – my eyes!!
The guy on the first cover has more cleavage than I do!!
Second cover – I feel bad for the poor guy when his friends see this. Other than the hair they slapped on him, he’s not bad.
Third cover – did they raid a high school looking for these guys?? She’s looking like Ms. Robbing-some. I’m thinking premature ejaculation here….
Ok—so the guy in the background on the last cover looks speciously like Jenna Jameson’s recent ex-husband (they’re both porn stars, if you didn’t know). They did this really bizarre movie with their production company where Jenna was a massuse (sp?-Sorry-it’s late). Anyway—he was this total bitch-boy in the movie, and that expression that guy is wearing totally looks like him. I have no idea why that popped into my mind. It’s been a couple years since I saw the film. It was so awful, and Jenna ususally did ok porn!
Isn’t Spice Briefs a Harlequin line? Somehow I expect the covers for an erotica line to be—well, erotic. And of course I misread the first world for “Guilt”. Ah, a christian erotic novel.
Jason Momoa. Oh my.
Now I want an erotica cover with JM and Adam Baldwin. Ronon and Jayne together, Lord have mercy.
Just think of them fondling their big…guns.
Yeah.
When will I learn not to drink coffee while viewing cover snark?!
And “Golden Seduction”? At first glance I was sure it said “Golden Shower”, which clearly means I’ve been viewing this stuff waaaaaay too long.
And when will the SBs add a correction function so I don’t look like a mistyping moron in public?
If the photoshop work on cover #2 isn’t bad enough, the title will make you cringe. could it be any longer? “Ellora’s Cave Presents… Torrid Tarot… Taige Crenshaw… (deep breath)… Golden Seduction… King of Cups…”
Goddamn, I’m laughing so hard that I’ve ruined my eye makeup and it’s only 9:30.
Thank you for making my day, and thank goodness I sit in a private office.
I only have one question….
Spice Briefs = undies worn by Spice girls?
Now I want an erotica cover with JM and Adam Baldwin. Ronon and Jayne together, Lord have mercy.
I’ll be in my bunk…
The JM pic saved my eyes and prevented an aneurysm just in time! You should provide “real hunk” intermission for every cover snark, you know, as a public service.
re: Gilt and Midnight
Why are Matthew MacFadyen and Jamie Bamber posing for romance-novel covers?
*is afraid*
*does not want the Tom Quinn/Lee Adama slash—surprisingly*
(Security text was central69. That would be one way to interpret the cover, yes.)
That was too good.
The first EC cover – the model’s name is Bobby so you were close there Teddy Pig.
There’s just so much to say about all of the covers, but I have to leave soon to pick up my 3 year old…. the mantitties are frightening, but I think the white medusa hair is the worst. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything else, I’d be worrying too much about his hair attacking me……..
HAHAHAHA OMG, I am so jealous of the Tony on the 1st cover. He has bigger mantitties than I have real ones!
And that 3rd cover does seem to have an X-men theme to it. Miss Pearl Necklace is obviously Rogue. And in the movies Bobby (Rogue’s boyfriend) had a baby face. My question is, where is Wolverine? YUM
…Covers are like children. We authors have to love even the really ugly ones.
Let’s just say that when I saw that one I screamed aloud. And not particularly with joy.
M
I’ll be in my bunk…
*snortscoffee*
Damn, I miss that show. But I’m glad the cover snarks hath returned after our srsly hi-brow banned book contributions.
If cover #1 is Tony from Jersey (yo!), he’d have way more chest hair. Much, much more. Maybe even a wife-beater tee to top off the look. He’s like a wannabe guido.
“The first EC cover – the model’s name is Bobby so you were close there Teddy Pig.”
Just comfort the poor guy and let him know Photoshop abuse should be a crime.
hy are Matthew MacFadyen and Jamie Bamber posing for romance-novel covers?
That…would be hot. O.O (Tom could totally kick Lee’s ass, though.) They only way it could be hotter is if, like, Rupert Penry-Jones got involved. Adam and Tom already had ridiculous chemistry, after all.
Tom could totally kick Lee’s ass, though.
And Lee would never see it coming. One minute there’s just this guy blinking rapidly at him, and then *WHAM*.
Then there’d be Starbuck, pointing, laughing, and walking off with Tom.
Poor Lee. No wonder he looks so sad.
“And of course I misread the first world for “Guiltâ€. Ah, a christian erotic novel.”
I just squirted cherry coke out of my nose.
It stings, but I can’t stop laughing!
OMG, this had me laughing my ass off! 🙂
First cover: Mega-mega man titty! I did you notice the bling had a point, pointing down…heh.
Second cover: My eyes immediately went to King of Cups. WTF? Tapeworms! Rotflao!
Third cover: I thought the same thing as Candy. The dude in the back is pissed off that the dude in the front is bothering with a woman.
As for Jason Momoa…ah, he’s the main reason I watch Stargate Atlantis. Yummy pants! 🙂
Is SPICE Briefs imitating Ellora’s Cave? Really? Oh, wow. I need to go lie down.
Yes! Quoted on SB! That totally made my day.
Have you seen the EC Tricks or Treats covers?
There are four, two of which are the same body, with different heads and filters. (I got the orange filter and the head I call “Corey” because of the 80’s brat-pack blandness he exudes)
The identical body is molesting a pumpkin.
One is actually sexy, and the other is the worst bleach job since the time I turned my hair pink.
Gilt and Midnight, subtitled Where’s Waldo, The Adult Edition.
I swear, the first thought that entered my head when I saw that cover was, “Peekaboo!”
Shame on you Bitches and more shame on me for laughing so hard at EC covers! Truth be told, though, the “Torrid Tarot” pix have been pretty abysmal so far. But the coral reef in lieu of hair? Oy, that was especially hard to take.
And, yeah, what’s with the Spice Briefs cover? Poor dude in the background looks like a kid who’ll end up raiding his grandfather’s gun cabinet and carrying more to Pearl Valley High than a couple of blue balls for Elsa Lanchester’s great-granddaughter…who looks suspiciously like one of those slutty, soul-stealing teachers we end up reading about in one of Ann Rule’s books.
What the hell were they thinking?
MIRACULA???
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… whimper, blubber, fetal coil…
All jokes aside, I adore religious erotica. Mmm…priests…
Thank you for giving me snark that made me ruin a whole soda.
Religious erotica?
The “I Went To Catholic School For Five Years and All I Got Was This Lousy Plaid Jumper” side of me says, “Isn’t that an oxymoron?”
But the “Sick and Twisted 20-Something” in me would crack jokes about the books being centered on illicit trysts between priests and altar boys.