Bitchery reader Peaches sent me the most thoughtful and thought-provoking question, which is both a rumination of the state of parenting and sexuality in our culture, and a request for YA books that deal with sexuality and sexual intercourse honestly and appropriately.
With all the hype about the new tv series adaptation of Gossip Girl, I decided to look it up and see what it was about. Wikipedia assured me that it wasn’t really my kind of book, but it also lead me to this article.
The article is basically a mother feeling sorry for herself that her daughter is reading Gossip Girl, a series she disapproves of. And while the mother is applaudably refusing to forbid the book, she basically goes on for a few paragraphs with “I’m trying to stop it, how do I stop this? My daughter reads other books besides trash, btw, but parents! What would you do?” and I couldn’t bring myself to feel the least bit bad for her. The reason for this is of course that her daughter is 14, and its perfectly natural for a 14 year old girl to be interested in books with sex in them.
This got me thinking about Parents versus the YA romance genre, or the romance genre in general. The “it sets a bad example” or “full of poor role models” complaints aside, the article’s author’s real problem seems to be she can’t process the fact that her kid is curious about sex and of course she’s not the only mom with those feelings….
So in my own roundabout way I arrive at my question: Are there any YA novels out there that properly prepare young women for the reality of sexual relationship? Any books that do [for sex] what Are You There God, it’s Me Margaret? did for the period? So the parents dont like Gossip Girl—is there another book they can encourage their daughter to read so these poor girls don’t hop from Harry Potter to Beloved without a damn clue?
And just out of curiosity—how does a romance writer mom handle The Talk, given their unique vantage point in professional sexual expression?
In a nutshell (hur hur) Peaches has hit the nail on the head with my #2 gripe about parenting right now : violence is much more acceptable, prevalent, and available in terms of entertainment, but put a naked breast on tv and we need to set off a flare and sound sirens because someone will complain. Oh, that naked breast, won’t you think of the children?
Sexuality and sex itself are subjects that we (and I’m speaking specifically of Americans here) are profoundly uncomfortable with, particularly when it comes to frank discussions of how we humans get made n’stuff. I think it began with the founding (or colonizing, more specifically) peoples in this country, some of whom were Puritan and were desperately afraid that somewhere, someone out there was having (a) sex (b) fun or (c) all of the above. Our attitudes and reactions to sexual content are varied but there’s still a gut reaction that sex isn’t ok to talk about, but heck, if you turn on the tv before 9pm you can see any number of people getting killed, being processed post-mortem, in autopsy, or about to be killed. In my never-humble opinion, something is very very wrong with that imbalance.
Rant said, do I know how I’ll approach talking to my sons about sex? Not a clue. Fortunately, at 22 months and at almost two weeks of age, I don’t have to tackle that conversation with either of them just yet. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it (hur hur) but I hope I can keep in mind that I was very curious about sexuality when I was younger and had few options through which to discover and learn about the subject. With kids and the internet today (oh noes!) there’s no telling what happens with a cursory Google search. My kids will end up thinking sex begins with some kind of fetish.
So what books do you recommend for curious YA-age kids? And how do you romance writing moms handle The Talk?
I think a family Halo night is an awesome idea. My boys and I do somewhat the same thing, only with Baldur’s Gate and other sword-and-sorcery type games. (What can I say, I like my violence a bit more up close and personal… shooting someone from across the room isn’t fun for me when I can hack ‘em to bits with a battleaxe instead!) There were several discussions of the difference between fantasy and reality, mostly for the benefit of my eldest due to his Autism—sometimes he has trouble seeing that line. But all in all, it’s a fantastic way to have fun and bond with my boys in a way that also affirms their… waaah, I have to say it… manliness.
Which isn’t to say that we don’t do other things together, too—in fact, my 9 year old wants me to teach him how to crochet. Both his father and my dad either knit or crochet, so he doesn’t see it as a girly thing to do. It’s good to support all sides of a kid.
We had a brief bit of “Talk” last night, when he asked me what it meant that our dog was “fixed” because he didn’t think she’d ever been broken. Explaining what got removed and why was enough for him, and referencing the “gross” conversation we’d had in the car helped. Little steps, I suppose.
There have been lots of recommendations for YA books that handle the hard themes such as drugs, suicide, homosexuality, incest, rape… are there any books that introduce regular kids to reasonably realistic adult heterosexual relationships without all the angst and without getting all syrupy? Or does that make for too boring a story and it will never sell? Do kids today still have to go, as I did, from Nancy Drew (I’m trying to remember if she ever actually kissed Ned) to James Bond in one fell swoop? In modern terms, I suppose, it’s Pony Club to Anita Blake.
I’m not a parent, but I would hope that romance writers explain that the mores found in romance novels aren’t necessarily valid ones. It has nothing to do with virginity or erotic romance but, IMO, the sexual hang-ups promoted in the genre. >.|
Sex is Fun did two podcasts on this topic.
ONe is an mp3 they encourage you to spread to any teen you know who needs information on sex: http://sexisfunradioshow.blogspot.com/2007/03/sif-61-last-episode-of-sex-is-fun.html
The other was a parent’s guide for talking to your kids. http://sexisfunradioshow.blogspot.com/2006/08/sex-is-fun-32-how-to-talk-to-your-kids.html
Also http://midwestteensexshow.com/
which is a videocast, pro produced about teens and sex. Good stuff.
there are many teen realistic fiction titles that handle sex in a positive way. check-out the work of the YALSA committee, Popular Paperbacks for Young Adults, http://www.ala.org/ala/yalsa/booklistsawards/popularpaperback/nominations.cfm#sex we’v.e focused on gathering nominations of books that portray sexuality in a non-doom-and-gloom way. feel free to nominate titles appropriate for the list – perhaps an adult romance that’s liked by a teen in your house?
i applaud parents who recognize that using books as a tool for discussion can provide a healthy outlet to discuss potentially uncomfortable topics. as we all know, sexuality is an important part of being a teen. thanks to the bitchery for engaging in a rational discussion on this subject!
marin younker
ppya chair
I have no children and don’t recall having any form of “the talk” with my mom, but I am a children’s bookseller and see a lot of different titles in both fiction and non-fiction that include sex and puberty.
There’s a new non-fiction book called “Doing It Right” by Bronwen Pardes that is really good for older teens. It’s the best new book on an old subject that I’ve seen in years.
As far as ya fiction that handles the subject well, some recent favorites are:
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist by Cohn and Levithan
Good Girls by Laura Ruby
Wicked Lovely by Marr
and on the boy struggling with his sexuality question, it may be a bit young, but Totally Joe by James Howe might be a good addition. (The Misfits is a better book, but Totally Joe is actually about Joe finding his voice.) It’s not entirely believable, but Joe is a wonderfully quirky and likable character.
My parents did several talks (when I had my first serious boyfriend) and also left me with “Where Do I Come From?” as a kid. I was a voracious reader and read all kinds of romance stuff. I can tell you that none of it actually prepared me for how sex feels and how it works in reality. However, I didn’t have sex until I was 25 and then I made darned sure I was protected. Judge as you will.
My word is child81…er, no thanks. 81 kids is a bit much. Even twelve, as in The Family Nobody Wanted, are too much.
In spite of it’s age, I agree with those who said Forever by Judy Blume. Because it’s realistic. Not only is there not a HEA between Katherine and Michael, but it takes a few times for Kath to really enjoy it, let alone have an orgasm.
In terms of something more recent, I thought Ann Brasheres did a good job with Brigette and her experience in the first Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book.
Earlier this year, my 7-year-old used the phrase “make sex.” Which perplexed my husband and I, since it’s not a phrase either of us has ever used. I’m still not entirely sure what he thinks this encompasses but have stressed that if he has any questions, he can ask either of us.
More recently, the issue of homosexuality came up. And it was all my fault. We’d been watching the new season of Who Wants to be a Superhero? and it was the episode where Parthanon was asked to leave. I made an off-hand comment about “So much for the first gay superhero”, not thinking anything of it.
Our son immediately fixated on that and said, “What do you mean? He doesn’t make sex with another boy???” So I explained that while there were people like his father and I, who liked people of the opposite sex, sometimes men like other men and women like other women and it’s all OK.
It’s the never knowing what exactly they know that gets to me. *sigh*
Yeah, my school did the separated films about “your special time” (periods). But I went to a Catholic School, so that’s sort of what you expect. I got a greater education from reading Playgirl when I was in 7th and 8th grade. I also got to see my first uncircumsized penis in one. Before that, I thought that men without foreskins were standard issue! (Well, you do see so many more of them, to be honest.) I also used to rent gay smut films (Including one called “Pleasure Beach” featuring an orgy filmed from beneath! It took me several minutes to figure out what exactly I was seeing on the screen…. What really squicked me about that one was how cardboard the single woman in the film was… but then, this was a *gay* film! 😉 Oh, and the bad lines!)
I’ve had young friends ask me questions, and told my friends I would gladly be a loving auntie to their kids, and I will be open and honest about sex with them. I don’t plan to have any of my own, and the time for that is quickly passing me by anyway. I don’t see anything wrong with alternate sexualities (gay, bi, etc.) although I think doing it with animals is cruel to the animals.
(I just noticed that, my Ghod! IMDB has the movie up and it has two reviews!)
I made an off-hand comment about “So much for the first gay superhero 
Try Hero by Perry Moore, which I would also recommend to Jo.
Off the top of my head I can’t think of any books for YA with sex in them. But, I did want to talk about the topic of speaking to your children about sex.
My parents firmly believed that it was important for us (myself and my younger brother) to know what sex was. They felt it was important to give us the correct facts and not the weird made up nonsense so many kids have because their parents get all squicky about talking about it.
I can’t remember a moment in my life where I didn’t know what sex was. I think I was about 4 when I asked my mom how babies were made. She very calmly answered the question in a way that my 4 year old brain could understand it. As I got older, the answer became more detailed.
I think that’s the best way to handle the sex question. Don’t be embarassed and don’t make it into a big deal. I’ve had to tell my friends about sex (when I was much younger) because their parents made them so uncomfortable and embarassed. It’s a natural part of our humanity. Don’t make it dirty…it’s not.
Just my 2 cents.
Oh, this brings back memories. My mother is very repressed about sex. When I got the Talk, I was 15, and it consisted of the statement, “you know it’s not really like it is in those romance books, right?” And I was able to agree that it was not, from first-hand knowledge, because I’d already been having sex for 6 months at that point. Not that she knew that, or even would have considered the possibility.
I can only hope I’ll do better with my own kids. But honestly, that’s almost a given with that precedent, right?
(the captcha knows what we’re talking about – my word is parts14)
For homosexual relationships, I champion David Levithan’s Boy Meets Boy. It is a very funny, sweet book, and it is one of the few books I know about a teen homosexual relationship that is mostly angst free. The world of the story is a mostly happy, accepting world. I think that’s a story that hasn’t been told much.
I think Forever is still more daring than a lot of modern YA books. Francesca Lia Block’s books can spark some interesting conversations thematically, but are definitely fade to black books in their detail level. Someone mentioned Doing It by Burgess, which I love. In the fantasy world, Tamora Pierce’s books are fun that way – birth control discussions (in a magic type way) and all. I can’t think of many modern books for the YA crowd that discuss male-female sexuality in a positive-outcome way. Most of the ones I’ve seen are focused more on the issues (pregnancy, disease, abuse) and less on the complexity of emotions. I do think that The Perks of Being a Wallflower, while not a book about sex-stuff per se, has some great, sensitive depictions of problems real teens might encounter.
I wanted to recommend TIPS ON HAVING A GAY (EX) BOYFRIEND by Carrie Jones. The book opens with the heroine’s boyfriend coming out to her. They had a loving, sexual relationship, presented matter-of-factly, and we get to see each of them dealing with their changed relationship as he comes out to the rest of their high school. Sensitive issues treated realistically and with a sense of humor that arises from the funny, smart characters. My 15-y-old daughter and I both loved this.
Meg Cabot’s The Princess Diaries series (in addition to the All-American Girls series) were so refreshing to read compared most books read by Gen-Y kids.
For a good YA read on too-early, not-that-great sex and its aftermath, can I recommend Sara Zarr’s Story of a Girl?
is it just me or are there a goodly number of teenage girls commenting on that article that make me want to slap them silly? I remember being a teenager, a younger one at that. I remember thinking my mom is a moron, which I still think she is, but for reasons I can’t tell you about at this moment. I still feel embarrassed to be around my mother, again, for very personal reasons. But to bitch at the poor woman for voicing her concerns over what her daughter reads makes me livid. MY granpa even said he agreed with these girls, which makes me batshit insane with rage and hurts more than a little to know he agrees with someone I would love to kill and rid this world of. How could he understand these girls when they’re simply voicing vapid responses that should be slapped down with a sledge hammer every time they speak?! This is the future, ladies and gents! My generation’s irritating to me already, now I’ve got the newer generations making me angry with every new step they make.