Candy: Poor Mandy Roth. First she was stuck with the absolutely hideous Force of Ass-traction cover. And now she gets a gay angel with backfat.
Hmmm. Could be a song.
“Just call me angel of the backfat angel, Just fry some eggs before you leave me baby.”
Sarah: Backfat, a greasy mullet, and only one wing. So with all that working against him, there’s only one conclusion I can draw here: that’s not a woman. That’s a Real Doll.
Candy: Part man, part plasma ball toy, François had to tread the netherworld depths of being a were-novelty toy.
Sarah: You know the song about how you shouldn’t whiz on the electric fence? Mr. Wolfy there is demonstrating that you shouldn’t dip your schmecky in water and hump an amped-up electric guitar either. You know, just in case you thought that was a good idea.
Candy: Fucking him will not, repeat, will not feel like warm apple pie, though he looks nasty enough that I imagine it’d lead to some kind of burning sensation in your crotchal region.
Sarah: He’s an “apple pie?”
Hairy ass crack?
What a gross surprise.
Smells like poop –
and attracts black flies.
Stank Apple Pie.
Candy: Her deceit: She’s a man, baby. His deceit: He’s actually Axl Rose, and he’s out to kill her because her hair reminds him way too much of Slash.
Sarah: What do you want to bet his biker name is “Skittle Pants?” Or maybe, “Chesty Pillows?”
Sarah: You just KNOW that the original (and horribly exposed) photograph featured a wood paneling background and some exposed pipes because that dude? He lives in his momma’s basement and lures dimwitted vacant eyed women down to his pad. Or lair. With promises that they can touch his chin weenie.
Candy: Poor Dave Grohl. Resorting to romance cover model jobs was bad enough, but having to grow incredibly stupid facial hair to fit the character was probably the nadir of his—or anybody else’s—experience.
I just want to point out that my bed is bigger then that guy’s Harley. But if you don’t like hairy butts… well I’m just not going to bother I guess.
Is that what it looks like if a man has an orgasm in outer space? Isn’t he making a mess on his guitar?
1. That’s not back fat, it’s his gills! Angels need them to breathe in various planetary atmospheres, including the one pictured (Mercury, judging by the size of the sun).
2. That guitar chord does not exist in nature.
3. Dude’s, uh, bat cleared the benches. And the bleachers.
4. It’s good to see Janine Turner has found work.
5. In the background, is that the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man on fire?
O.k. one last thing,
Does anyone else see a resemblance here:
http://www.starstore.com/acatalog/Alien-bust-giger-1-01.jpg
I find the back and forth about the first cover rather interesting. People are always bemoaning societal pressures to equate female beauty with thinness. But I thought it was a lot less common for that to happen for males-maybe I’m just naive?
Personally, I’ve always gone for guys with some “heft”. Cover #1 made me wince when I saw it, but only for its complete lack of subtlety, not because I thought the model was unattractive.
Regarding cover #5: Morning comes to cheap white trash.
Sally,
Actually this all ties in with my problems with romance covers in general.
Men, real men have hella character when you add body hair, tats, and not out right flab but a little meat never hurts.
AND my major bitch is why why why why why is every damn single cover model pasted in with long hair???
What gives with that creepy clone thing?
I mean hell, I think they are even pasting mullets on the Navy Seals covers now and that is not reg.
I swear I am so glad I talked my writer into that hairy bod muscle chested model on the cover even though it looked like he was growing back in.
It separates it from the pack as far as covers goes.
Next tats, bald, goatee and assless chaps with a hairy tush on a motorcycle.
Maybe I can even get some hairy bear gay porn stars to pose for me.
You won’t know what hit ya.
*Rubs hands in evil glee.*
Heh. I don’t know if he’s into leather, and he’s not very hairy, but maybe Aiden Shaw would do it for a lark. *wink*
Baseball bats, pointy beards, guitars, motorcycles. These covers are teeming with metaphoric penis imagery.
I was going to say I rather liked the first one. It actually looks professonally done. The wing maybe could use some work, but there’s nothing wrong with it otherwise. I didn’t even notice the backfat until it was pointed out. And, the mullet? It’s not a mullet, it’s a ponytail. You can see the gather clearly.
Does it bother no one that we can’t see the woman’s head in number one? Does no one consider (and factor in the title) that pudgy, one-winged angel guy has BITTEN HER HEAD CLEAN OFF?
Lawfully Yours? I think their meth lab just blew up poisoning the entire town.
The man with the bat seems to be some sort of huge headed alien who can disconnect his cervical vertebra in order to look at what is coming up behind him.
Number one, I could live with the back fat—put the wing, the—for gawd’s sake pony tail!
OK, these are pathetic. I have NO, I repeat NO, artistic talent, but I honestly think I could do better work with Photoshop. And I swear that #3 has at least part of John Travolta’s face. He should sue.
And people get PAID for this??? Damn.
As usual, I laughed so hard at the snark and the comments that one of dogs got worried and came to check on me.
Hmm. Word is “top53.” It’s too early in the morning for the kind of jokes I could make about that…
I have been trying to ignore this new, utterly inexplicable cover from Loose-Id, but it keeps popping up in my nightmares. Who would find this cover alluring? It makes me shiver and vomit at the same time (shivit?), which is different, but not exciting.
http://www.loose-id.com/detail.aspx?ID=503
So not seeing backfat on the poor mutilated angel. That thing above her arm is muscle. Look at a good backview of a naked man (Deuce Bigelow provides us with a very nice one)
But just one wing? Did she saw the other off to keep him earthbound or what?
The Loup-Garou cover is hot. Period.
Apple pie? Ewww. he’s the “nice boy” next door your parents keep trying to set you up with but you won’t go. Why? You caught him tanning kitten hides in the back shed, and he said he always wanted a book bound in human skin… His butt is VERY normal and not at all hairy. (then again, I used to date Chewbacca’s second cousin, so my standards are lax)
Her look went out in the eighties, but he still likes checking her ass.
Worst. Cover. Models. and. Expressions. Ever.
He’d be cute if he didn’t look like he was being terrorized. She’s got the “I’m on heavy valium” thing going. And badddddd photoshop on his whiskers.
God, it’s sad how Sephiroth has let himself go.
Major beverage spewage.
Considering the length of Sephy’s sword, it’s only natural that he should go into newd modeling.
Yeah, I’m with Teddy Pig et al on kind of digging the first cover. I saw that backfat and though, no, that’s just a bad pose, not real backfat. Tried to angle my head so that I would not see the mullet/angel wing.
And then I stared. And had seriously lascivious thoughts. Rowr.
But would someone explain to me why so many of the men on those totally photoshopped covers look like they were assembled from one of those children’s flip books where you could switch the eyes, nose, and mouth to make new faces? It looks so wierd.
OMG, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying now. Must read through all the posts to be caught up!
Nora: Agreed, the headless victim is worrying, but are you sure it’s a woman? That’s an awfully muscular thigh out in front of One Wing. At least :headtilt: I think it’s a thigh?
Another vote for One Wing (good moniker, Bella!) being rather appealing. The urge to squeeze his butt is high, and I mean that in a good way.
I thought his headless victim was female until Bella’s comment made me look again. I think the thigh is female enough, but now I’m wondering about that hand and arm. Kinda thick wrist, hey?
#2 isn’t offensive on the eyes, just plain funny.
About the other covers, the less said, the better.
Agreeing that the butt in #1 is very squeezable! 😉
What concerns me about #1 isn’t the fat (doesn’t worry me) or the single wing or the Headless HoWoman or even the slimy greasy hair but the fact that the title is the same as a James Bond story, and a movie that made $200 million worldwide. 1985 was not the Paleolithic era.
It’s sort of like titling a book “The Empire Strikes Back”.
To clarify, it’s not the copyright, since titles can’t be copyrighted, but the fact that (in my opinion) it’s a poor marketing decision. People will assume somebody either messed up or wasn’t smart enough to know there was a movie by that name.
Even if the book is based on the short story and movie, it makes the writer look sloppy (which is unfortunate, since we all know how often publishers change book names).
Charlene, I’m with you on the re-use of a fairly distinctive phrase as a title. I wonder if it has a specific antecedent? Frex, I’m annoyed by how many books are titled “Ill Met By Moonlight,” but in theory they’re all pretentiously drawing on the same source (Shakespeare).
Though I will note that the Duran Duran song beat out the Juice Newton in the earworm battle for my brain. This was something of a relief.
I’m sorry, Sarah, but the original photo for #5 was not taken in a basement. Our lovebirds here are obviously a couple of self-proclaimed Satanists who have just showed up at their local neo-pagan festival. Mere seconds after this pic was snapped, she ripped off her crappy low-rent-Renfest blouse and they both began body-painting each other with what initially appeared to be Crowley-esque symbols, but were later recognized as coming from various heavy metal album covers. Once they were suitably gitted-up, they headed over the the drumming circle by the bonfire behind those trees. Wanna take bets on whether either of them could dance?
A View to a Kill combined with James Bond does sort of bring up the idea of a 19th century lithograph of a hunt scene; but I’ve wondered about this before and never come up with an original source.
The first cover in spite of the aformentioned flaws is well-rendered, with good detail, proportion and use of lighting. Too bad about the headless lover, though.
Baseball guy should be renamed Mr. Potato Head. Talk about yer interchangeable parts.
The Kissin’ Cousins… well, ‘nuff said. I hear strains of Deliverance in my head.
This site is an endless source of inspiration. Everybody stay tuned for my new baseball-themed erotica, The Empire Balls Back, coming soon.
Filter: *values16* Riiiiiiiight.
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