Marta Acosta forwarded me a link to an Amazon forum – what is up with all these AMZ forums, anyway? They’re as ubiquitous and vaguely annoying as the Amazon Lists – wherein folks recommend romances based on whether the hero has a big ol’ schlong.
Oooookay, then.
I know there are PLENTY of romances I’ve read where there’s some reference to the hero’s humongous manroot, usually as to whether or not it’ll fit, but I’ve never seen folks looking specifically for the romantic tales of Long Dong Silver and his heartbreakingly huge third leg.
I stumbled across the link for that forum the other day and goggled a bit (and thankfully had the sense not to click it). My first thought was, “But…doesn’t every romance hero fit that description?”
Which means what these people are looking for frightens me not a little…
I actually read a few of those forums this week. I did notice the schlong thread. Though, granted, in romance/erotica there is niche’ for everyone, so schlongs would be just one indicator if a book would be something you wanted to read.
I’ve seriously considered setting up a spreadsheet program for romance reviews with column headers like:
Heroine Type: TSTL, Feisty Girl Next Door, Virgin Widow
Body Type: Childlike smallness, Petite, Medium, Large, Goddess
Hero Type: Brooding with hidden secrets, Alpha Male, Beta Male, E-Male
Schlong Size: Small (ha! Short book), Medium, Large, OH NO!
LOL!
My spaminator word is growth82!!
The only issue is no one ever gives exact measurements so you are usually at the mercy of a virgin (or at least not someone with a wide range of experience) and her estimation of the size of the male member in question.
I guess in order to curtail this issue in the future I will need to start providing a detailed character sheet with the specific member size confirmed for reference. Do you think I should add circumference?
Name:
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Green
Height: 6 feet
Wang Length: 81/2 inches
TeddyPig has a point about bias due to virginal fright. Maybe Amazon needs a new rating system:
Schlong Score
(multiple choice)
_ No details given
_ She says it’s huge
and _ gasps fearfully
and _ licks lips lasciviously
_ He says it’s huge
and _ worries he’ll hurt her
and _ compares it to (a) hot dog, (b) Dirk Diggler
_ His best friend or ex-lover says it’s huge
_ Schlong O’ Wrath: eep!
Sorry – the only thing that came to mind with this thread was the shower-or-grower discussion after the post with the kilt pictures 🙂
I have never written in any detail about my character’s…attributes. 1) I don’t write erotica and 2) if the guy is the hero in a romance novel can’t we just assume he’s equipped to get the job done?
I’m with Jenyfer: every mention of big dongs makes me think of ol’ Angus McHungwell.
Also of Carol Lynne and the Hero Whose Dick is Bigger Than His Girlfriend.
The Phallus from Dallas? This is really a book?
Any teeny weenies out there, where the guy makes up for it by having an eight-inch-long tongue, so fast it’s a blur?
No?
*crickets chirping*
Maybe, Doug. The hero of my latest wip (yeah, of course I’m supposed to be writing it instead of visiting here!) doesn’t have an overabundantly-measured pork sword. In fact, I deliberately describe it more as a “slim(mer) wand”.
Mind you, the holder of the slim wand is an alien hermaphrodite, so is also somewhat endowed in other areas, if you get my drift.
Cripes. Now that I’m writing all this down and reading what I’ve written, I hope someone buys it!
Teddypig, I first read your comment as wang length: 81 to 82 inches rather than 8 and a half inches. 81 inches, the only case where the heroine can be belived when she declares that it won’t fit!
As a coinky-dink, last night, I got a phone call from a long time friend who lives on the other side of the country. We were comparing notes about boyfriends, both current and past (yes, women over 45 not only date, but wear sexy undies, don’t look like granny, have sex, are STILL looking for their soul mate, do NOT want an older man on a vent or in a wheelchair etc, we just know way more now).
Anyhow, she commented on her current beau and what an asshole he was, I commented that he sounded just like the dillweed I dated a few years back—- and a bit like a former/late jerk of a hubby of mine.
We found a common denominator and came up with a term for their behavior—-LPD, Little Peni Disorder—- sorta like a sexual version of Napoleon.
So, I’m presenting the hypothesis that there MAY BE a reason big schlong books may be popular—- they’re for former victims of LPD.
Seriously.
Yep 😉
“Heartbreakingly huge,” huh?
Huh. I have to say, I never worry about whether my hero’s dick is schlongzilla or merely adequate. If the heroine’s not complaining, why make it an issue?
And come to think about it, the only heroine I’ve written (so far) who was worried about whether it would fit was not a virgin, but a widow. She was rather logically basing her concern on the hero being more substantially endowed than her late husband, her only other sex partner.
Najida, is ‘E-Male’ short for ‘Emo-Male’?
Jo, I read TeddyPig’s as 81/2, as in 81 divided by 2. That’s > 1 man-yard, or man-meter, if we’re using metric.
Any reference to wang-itude is usually a wall-banger for me (or at least an eyeroll if my shoulder is sore that day).
Goodness, at my age my only requirement is a pulse…
Well, when you’re working with a writing partner on the other side of the Atlantic, you need a full character description, just to make sure you keep the descriptions consistent. Especially when you’re writing m/m, and need to keep track of who’s bigger.
Our editor said it was the first time she’d seen a character description sheet that really did include cock length in inches.
security word—truth18
And what’s 8 1/2 in centimeter? 😀
You and I are in about the same age bracket, and sadly—- the ones with pulses (only) are looking for a nurse and a purse. Someone to go with them to the Early Bird Specials at Shoneys. Or someone to hop in the RV and head to Branson (I REFUSE to travel with my toilet!)
Been there, done that—- so, at least in Romancelandia, I can have what I want, even though in real life, I’ve got better odds with a herd of rabid armadillos. 😉
That’s 21.59 centimeters, which sounds so much more impressive. But only .0002159 kilometers.
E-Male= Emo-Male (Lord Byron I guess).
As for wangitude being mentioned, depends on the mood I’m in….honestly, it never detracts (unless it’s ridiculously over sized or the writing about it exceeds more than one or two sentences). Otherwise, it’s just another positive in the guys favor.
Yes, I’m shallow. Slap me silly and call me Suzy.
Okay, in spite of decades of reading I need something spelled out. Namely TSTL – it’s way too early on Monday morning for my brain to come up with anything resembling real words for that one.
Hah! Spam filter is mans56. Do you suppose that’s inches? Because if so….“Attack of the 5 ft schlong!” (okay, so it’s only 4’ 8 inches. But that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.)
OK time for the TeddyPig Sharing Hour…
I know you guys love seeing men being men with men stuff…
Straight Men Are So Gay
NOT SAFE WORK AT ALL
A buncha “straight” British Rugby boys showing that they can take one, maybe two, and sometimes three for the team.
TSTL = Too Stupid To Live, everyone’s favourite heroine.
Oops I meant that link was Not Safe For Work At All
Must drink more coffee…
Thanks, Arethusa!
Like Teddy, I need more coffee…
Heartbreakingly huge:
So big, when he thrusts, it tears her pericardium.
And when it comes to endowments, I care much more about how nimble his fingers are, and whether he can, ahem, roll his Rs, if you get my drift.
Hmm. My spaminator is her86. Can’t imagine what that might be refering to…
Teddy Pig, sharing hour? I … what … how … swear to God, I thought my jaws were going to come unhinged. NOT SAFE WORK AT ALL was quite right. Now I know where the “meat” in “team” comes from.
Do you suppose that’s inches? Because if so….“Attack of the 5 ft schlong!†(okay, so it’s only 4’ 8 inches. But that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.)
Deb – No worries about the math. If it’s a guy with a 56” dick, he’s going to tell you it’s 5 feet long anyway.
HAHAHAHA! My verif word is “appeared78”.
I thought I’d point out that I wasn’t looking at Amazon discussions, which seem to be mostly authors promoting their own books, but saw the discussion listed with others on one of my book pages. Is it too much to ask that the Amazon discussions have SOMETHING to do with the books on the page? With Amazon, yes.
Marta, you have to create an actual forum for an individual author on amazon. Otherwise the forums are just general topics like “romance” or “erotica” or “thrillers”.
And good grief…my verification word is “hand58” lol
To paraphrase something said in a Terry Pratchett book, at a certain age what a man looks for in a woman is… patience.
Which, come to think of it, was what I *needed* in a man when I was much younger, whether I looked for it or not.
Thanks for the advice, Angela, but I’d grown oddly fond of the giant-schlongola discussion on my page when it was replaced by a ghost discussion. Now, if there were only a discussion of books about women haunted by…giant schlongolas! I’m pitching that to my editor tomorrow. I’m tentatively titling it “Polterschlong.”
(My pass word is strong96)