An anonymous author has emailed me to ask for Bitchery advice about what to do when a former colleague and writing buddy turns green and cranky when you achieve success:
I noticed when I first signed with an agent, that my first writer friend kinda pulled away from me. I’d heard that she’d made some pretty unfriendly comments about me after I signed and questioned the integrity of the agent because maybe the agent only signed me because we had a great connection when we first met. Yeah, cuz you and I both know an agent can make a boatload of money off that “connection.”
Anyway, I let it slide because I knew she had been struggling with her writing and probably it was more her insecurity talking than it was our friendship.
Well, now it seems to have gotten worse. This was the first conference since I’d sold and I had several people report that my friend was talking bad about me…making snarky comments and just generally not being very nice. I haven’t confronted her because personally, I don’t need the negative energy. But it’s seems ironic that my first writing friend is not my first writing back-stabber.
Have other newly pubbed authors had something similar happen to them? How have they handled it? Have you and Candy gone through anything like this yet?
Smart Bitch Advice, ahoy!
As potentially painful and hurting as this situation is, it sadly reveals as much about the character of your “friend” as it does about your own. While I’m sure every one of us would feel a twinge, large or cruise-ship-sized, of jealousy at the success of a close colleague who has suffered through the toils of the unpublished and moved onto the path of publication, I’m also sure that every fabulous one of us would say, “But if I were in that position, at least I would be happy for her in public, and congratulate her, and wouldn’t be a complete douchebag by going behind her back and shitcanning her credibility, success, and talent.”
Yes, but let’s be honest: on the inside, most of us would probably throw a big pity party and indulge in some moments of wallowing… on the INSIDE.
And that inside/outside line is the one that your “friend” crossed so blithely, and thus the character flaws are revealed. Bottom line: this person isn’t behaving the way friends do, and her action has revealed a great flaw of her own character, so it’s better you learn now and remember that flaw, since this person clearly does not have your best interests in mind. As you said – you don’t need that negativity, and it’s not like being extra special nice to her is going to help repair what she did. Only her saying, “Holy, holy, holy crap, can I tell you what a giant douchebag I was? And may I throw myself face down on the porch and volunteer to clean your sink trap for a year as penance, and hope one day to regain your forgiveness?” will potentially repair the damage, and really, let’s not hold our breath. There are some bitchy, catty people out there.
Why is that kettle telling me I’m black? Dammit!
Anyhoo, I’d certainly be curious how other authors have handled the Big Green Monster being unleashed at them, or, within them, and how they battled it.
As for Candy and me, I can’t speak for Her-Feather-Boa-Ness, but I can say that no one has directly said they hate my ass because we have an agent and a book deal. I can suppose that there’s some kind of grumbling or snarking or cranky commentary going on somewhere, but none that I’ve run into directly, so I do my best to read all the positive comments and ignore any meanness or subtle snideness.
But as that really corny song said, “Don’t waste your time with jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead; sometimes you’re behind (or
a
behind). The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” Writing is a solitary business much of the time, and since it is, you have to surround yourself with truly supportive people. Certainly there is some ironic comfort in knowing who your friends aren’t! I’m sorry your “friend” has revealed that she’s really not your friend at all, but I am sure that you have other people who are supportive of your goals, and eventually, whatever positive things this “friend” provided will be provided amply by someone who doesn’t stab you in the back when you achieve your goal.
This is so painful, and it happens at every step of the path. I’ve lost a few friends who simply pulled away; suddenly they quit returning calls. One who was quite close turned fairly ugly. It hurt really badly; it still hurts. You have to find your close friends who can be happy for you in the bad times and the good. It’s so odd – in real life we don’t want fair weather friends who desert us when times are bad. In publishing, we don’t want bad weather friends who desert us when times are good. Cuckoo’s nest, much? sigh.
I have the best CP in the whole damned world, and this post just makes me appreciate her all the more.
When we first started working together, neither of us were published but we were both damned close to it. I got there first and I know for certain I couldn’t have done it without her. I still won’t send a thing to my editor without her input.
When I first got the call, she was rejected. She felt crappy because she didn’t get the call, and I felt crappy because I wasn’t a good enough CP to get her published.
I remember the first new thing I asked her to read after I got the call. It was weird and tense. For like a second.
I count her amongst my best friends, and I can’t thank her enough for putting up with me.
I’d feel sorry for her, since she clearly doesn’t know what friendship is. Were I you I’d speak to her and, unless people are making up stories, drop her. To be honest, she probably won’t care.
The saddest part about it is that karma is not a bitch. It doesn’t exist. Time and time and time again the worst people do the best in life and never, ever get any comeuppance, while the good people who can’t push their consciences away quite so conveniently end up getting the short end of the stick. It’s not nice but it’s the truth.
One of my very best friends is a writer, a much more successful writer than I am. The difference between us? She worked her a** off for every pub credit she has. She subbed to comps, to anthology calls, queried agents and editors tirelessly. Now she’s got a good strong publishing career. Can I ever be jealous of her? No. I’m sitting here with no publishing credit newer than ten years ago, but I haven’t worked at it the way she has. To me, that’s a no-brainer. She deserves what she’s got.
Sorry to say, though, there are a couple of newly signed authors who think their efforts over the last year or two make them more deserving than she, and they have only lightly disguised this opinion on group blogs and in speaking to others in the biz. I dunno where these people are coming from, but, eventually, they’re going to be left in the dust. Agents and editors don’t want to work with difficult people or ones who are likely to savage them in public forums if they don’t get their way on something.
All you can do is try to steer clear of this “friend” and wait for karma to catch up with her.