An anonymous author has emailed me to ask for Bitchery advice about what to do when a former colleague and writing buddy turns green and cranky when you achieve success:
I noticed when I first signed with an agent, that my first writer friend kinda pulled away from me. I’d heard that she’d made some pretty unfriendly comments about me after I signed and questioned the integrity of the agent because maybe the agent only signed me because we had a great connection when we first met. Yeah, cuz you and I both know an agent can make a boatload of money off that “connection.”
Anyway, I let it slide because I knew she had been struggling with her writing and probably it was more her insecurity talking than it was our friendship.
Well, now it seems to have gotten worse. This was the first conference since I’d sold and I had several people report that my friend was talking bad about me…making snarky comments and just generally not being very nice. I haven’t confronted her because personally, I don’t need the negative energy. But it’s seems ironic that my first writing friend is not my first writing back-stabber.
Have other newly pubbed authors had something similar happen to them? How have they handled it? Have you and Candy gone through anything like this yet?
Smart Bitch Advice, ahoy!
As potentially painful and hurting as this situation is, it sadly reveals as much about the character of your “friend” as it does about your own. While I’m sure every one of us would feel a twinge, large or cruise-ship-sized, of jealousy at the success of a close colleague who has suffered through the toils of the unpublished and moved onto the path of publication, I’m also sure that every fabulous one of us would say, “But if I were in that position, at least I would be happy for her in public, and congratulate her, and wouldn’t be a complete douchebag by going behind her back and shitcanning her credibility, success, and talent.”
Yes, but let’s be honest: on the inside, most of us would probably throw a big pity party and indulge in some moments of wallowing… on the INSIDE.
And that inside/outside line is the one that your “friend” crossed so blithely, and thus the character flaws are revealed. Bottom line: this person isn’t behaving the way friends do, and her action has revealed a great flaw of her own character, so it’s better you learn now and remember that flaw, since this person clearly does not have your best interests in mind. As you said – you don’t need that negativity, and it’s not like being extra special nice to her is going to help repair what she did. Only her saying, “Holy, holy, holy crap, can I tell you what a giant douchebag I was? And may I throw myself face down on the porch and volunteer to clean your sink trap for a year as penance, and hope one day to regain your forgiveness?” will potentially repair the damage, and really, let’s not hold our breath. There are some bitchy, catty people out there.
Why is that kettle telling me I’m black? Dammit!
Anyhoo, I’d certainly be curious how other authors have handled the Big Green Monster being unleashed at them, or, within them, and how they battled it.
As for Candy and me, I can’t speak for Her-Feather-Boa-Ness, but I can say that no one has directly said they hate my ass because we have an agent and a book deal. I can suppose that there’s some kind of grumbling or snarking or cranky commentary going on somewhere, but none that I’ve run into directly, so I do my best to read all the positive comments and ignore any meanness or subtle snideness.
But as that really corny song said, “Don’t waste your time with jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead; sometimes you’re behind (or
a
behind). The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” Writing is a solitary business much of the time, and since it is, you have to surround yourself with truly supportive people. Certainly there is some ironic comfort in knowing who your friends aren’t! I’m sorry your “friend” has revealed that she’s really not your friend at all, but I am sure that you have other people who are supportive of your goals, and eventually, whatever positive things this “friend” provided will be provided amply by someone who doesn’t stab you in the back when you achieve your goal.
I don’t have anything to add to your excellent advice (I’m not at a point in my career where anyone’s jealous of me), but I envision a whole new career for the SBs, dispensing advice ala “Dear Abby” or “Miss Manners”. With feather boas, of course.
Awww, Sarah quotes cornyass songs for the benefit of others. That’s so sweet!
But really, I tend to use my husband as my inner voice. I stay away from the computer when I’m frustrated and bend his ear instead. Use your mom or your sister or some friend with no connection to the industry. These folks should support you as a person, with no vested interest in the process, and you can rely on them to act as a sounding board for angst and even jealousy.
My husband is useful because he always agrees with me. It’s like that Chris Rock line about how a man needs to come home and let his woman vent, chiming in only to add a heartfelt, “I told you that bitch was crazy!”
Sarah, you’re exactly right. This is not a friend—not unless she does serious penance.
It happens, and it’s so hurtful. Nothing really to do but step away from the one who hurts you. That’s often a genuine and sincere feeling of loss to the one who must step away.
Welcome to the business. I advise all new authors to first and foremost take up a belief in karma. A strong one. Because in nearly every case of someone being mean to me because of my success (either real or perceived) that person has paid an ugly price for it with no help from me. Distance yourself from your so-called friend immediately and start surrounding yourself with people you can count on, who celebrate when good things happen to you and who will be there for you when the bad things happen (because they always do…bad covers, editor leaving, agent disappearing, major disaster during the month of your book release, hurricane season…you name it…something will happen.)
I’ve spoken out publically about professional jealousy for many years, but the people who suffer from it rarely see themselves. It’s a simple test, really. If you find yourself making unkind comments about someone who is more successful than you (even if it is just in your mind) then you are jealous. Stop it. Jenny Crusie once wrote a great article for the RWR on this topic that pretty much said allow yourself to feel jealous, own your emotion, but do not act on it. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you.
Hugs to this author who wrote to you. Dealing with professional jealousy is hard for writers because it makes us feel even more isolated than our isolating job already makes us feel. That’s why I suggest she find real friends as soon as possible—and it might be best to find those friends among people who are at her same level of success, at least at the start.
I think if you started out in RWA as an unpub, then you’re likely to run in to this sort of thing. My first meeting buddy was an unpub with what looked like a shinny future (lots of contest wins and finals, including the Golden Heart). Three years later, I’m published and she’s not, and she barely speaks to me. *sigh*
I echo what everyone else has said: Put some serious distance between you and this so-called “friend”.
Insecurity is the mother of jealousy. Sometimes people let it take over their personalities and their lives. But they still have control, if they choose to use it.
Yeah, it’s hard to be supportive of someone who does what you do——when they’re doing better than you, or getting more attention, or money, or becoming a shining star.
It hurts…
BUT,
But but….. when those emotions kick in, the issue is the flaw within yourself, and THAT is what needs to be dealt with and fixed.
Sadly, people who let it take over them aren’t friends of any sort, and they will lead very bitter and miserable lives until they find the root of their anger.
(So spaketh a woman who’s been on both sides of the mirror0>
This just makes me sad. What happens is the friend doesn’t even know what she’s done and instead of looking within she blames in order to justify her bitterness. It’s an ugly monster that is hard to slay.
Everyone has offered such great advice. I, for one, appreciate it.
I’m with Mel—it just makes me sad. The only thing I can say is that I hope Anonymous Author finds good, positive people to surround herself with—even just one person can make a huge difference and clearly, this first writing buddy isn’t it.
On the flip side, the “giant douchebag” act (as Sarah so eloquently put it) is not reserved for jealous, unpublished types. There’s a certain soon-to-be published author who’s been acting like a big old diva as long as I’ve known her, even before she got the call. I thought she was veering dangerously close to insufferability when she was a Golden Heart finalist, but now that she’s got a pub date on the horizon, her head has swelled to enormous proportions. Not a good look, for her or anyone else. I don’t think I’m jealous of her success, just annoyed by her behavior.
Strange how jealousy works, is it not? My dearest friend in the world is beautifully published and there have been times when I’ve envied the fact that she has ACTUAL deadlines and why can’t I have deadlines? But during those fits, which have been displayed in front of her with much whining and foot stopping, it never occurred to me to wish that she didn’t have her success so that I could have mine. She’s worked hard and deserves everything she’s gotten and why shouldn’t she have it, by god! I just covet it.
Is that wrong? It doesn’t feel wrong. When I feel pitiful, she hands me a glass o’ champagne and tells me everything will work out for me. Then I realize once again that perseverance is a good thing and I get back to work.
Am I a bad friend I wonder.
There’s a certain soon-to-be published author who’s been acting like a big old diva as long as I’ve known her, even before she got the call. I thought she was veering dangerously close to insufferability when she was a Golden Heart finalist, but now that she’s got a pub date on the horizon, her head has swelled to enormous proportions. Not a good look, for her or anyone else. I don’t think I’m jealous of her success, just annoyed by her behavior.
Anon,
So, the question here is, did you consider yourself friends before she became a GH finalist and got her pub date? Because if you befriended her knowing she was a “diva” then you’re the one who put conditions on the friendship after she began meeting with success. And it’s not fair to your friend if that’s the case. You either love them for who they are or you don’t.
Thank God I do have a good set of close writer friends who love me for who I am and if they are jealous, they tell me and then hand me a glass of champagne and toast me. I have distanced myself from a few who couldn’t be my friend without conditions or without judging me. It sounds to me like you guys weren’t ever really friends to begin with.
I don’t know if this is coherent or not, but it sure makes sense to me. LOL
It helps me to remember that the grass is always greener . . . I wanted to be published in trade. One of my best writing buddies who is published in trade wants to be in mass market. *shrug* This is just how the world works. Another one of my buddies got the fricken gold ring, and while I certainly envy that gold ring, I’m so happy for her I could burst! How miserable would be all be if we judged our own lives and success by that of other people? I mean, hell, I could spend the rest of my life wallowing in self pity that I’m not Nora Roberts, or Jo Beverley, or Jennifer Crusie, or J.K. Rowling (it’s too timely not to mention), but it just seems so much smarter to write that next book and get on with my own life and career.
‘Jenny Crusie once wrote a great article for the RWR on this topic’
Is that the one called ‘Green is Not Your Color: Professional Jealousy and the Professional Writer’? It’s on her website and it’s got advice for both the person who’s jealous and the person who has this sort of a “friend”.
No, I’ve always been put off by her diva act, and I wouldn’t call her a friend. Other people seem to like her highness just fine.
Sure, it’s painful to discover that someone you trust is jealous or disparaging of you behind your back. But what about those so-called friends who made a point of bringing this bad news? They should button their lips, too, because being a scandalized conduit of poison is directly hurtful to the recipient.
I’m willing to bet that most of those tale bearers did not immediately confront the venting, jealous friend, but stood by and let the slurs happen. So double shame on these cowards.
Nope, she’s not a friend. A real friend would say, “God, I am so freaking proud of you, and so freaking jealosu at the same time!” No crime in that. I’ve said it myself because my friends are talented, lovely, smart people who outshine me all the time. But I love them, I brag about their success and when I feel bitchy, I just tell them. And they tell me they love me anyway. On the flip side, they tell me when they are feeling left behind. It doesn’t dim my joy, it just reminds me to be as good a friend to them as they are to me.
Just a note of caution—who are all these people telling you this stuff? I’d be careful of the “source” of this kind of gossip.
~But during those fits, which have been displayed in front of her with much whining and foot stopping, it never occurred to me to wish that she didn’t have her success so that I could have mine~
And there lies the big, bitchy difference. We can want what our pal or associate wants. It’s human, it’s natural. It’s when we want (or are sure we deserve it) instead of them that we’re an asshole.
How sad! I feel for her, but maybe this “friend” isn’t the friend she thought?
I’ll admit when Miss Thang sold twice AND gained agent interent in between one Mojito and next last week at conference, I had visions of tossing her over the rail, all with loving care of course. I told her she was on my most hated list for the week. I love her and I’m super glad she made it. (She’s not on the list this week, life is too short to worry about someone else’s career.)
It’s just perspective. We can’t compare OUR lives and successes to someone elses. We will always sell ourselves short that way.
Shaunee~I think what you are describing is different. You are happy for your friend but bemoan that you don’t have that yet. Sounds like you have a great friendship b/c you can tell her your disappointments while at the same time being happy for her success!
Imho, that’s different than talking about someone behind their back!
I think to truly eliminate envy/jealousy, one has to be perfectly content, which isn’t possible and maybe not even recommended (for writers—for Buddhist monks, it’s great!). Writers tend to be ambitious, or we wouldn’t put in so many hours for so little pay. Every time we reach one goal, we look ahead to what we haven’t accomplished yet.
I’m not a believer in “conquering” emotions that make us human. If you have an “ugly” feeling—doubt, envy, fury—accept it, use it as fodder for your writing, laugh about it if possible. Just don’t hurt other people with it.
Yeah, it happened to me. I call them “toxic friends.” They’re not just in the writing community.
Really, there isn’t anything to do about it except be as decent a person as you can be, and be as happy for your friends’ success as you are for your own—happier, if you can manage it.
And for the “friends” who talk trash about you behind your back? Don’t hang out with them, and console yourself with this: publishing is a small business. If you ignore them, graciously, you will look classy and they will look like the poisoned wells of envy they are. And when an agent or a publisher has a choice between working with a decent person or a toxic slagheap of jealousy, human nature will most often prevail, and the former will sell a manuscript.
The latter will go into the slushbucket. And well it should be.
Not a romance author, but a published manga writer—and yes, this has happened to me, twice. You pretty much have to turn your back on people like this because they’re suffering from a severe case of ‘it shoulda been me’, and worse case scenario-they stop writing and make a career out of ‘disliking you and your work.’
:/ Personally, I’d confront her face to face at a con or show, and ask her where her resentment comes from. If she feigns ignorance and demands to know what you’re talking about—then tell her you’ve been made aware of what she’s been saying. If she denies it all, don’t argue with her about it—that’s futile. Just wash your hands of her right there on the spot; remind her that ‘you did nothing to her, and you don’t deserve her spite’, then walk away from her and don’t look back.
Your ex-friend is unhappy, and she’s handling it in a way that cuts off her support for you AND your support for her. Talk about self-defeating.
All you can do is learn from it and do the opposite. Don’t cut yourself off from writer-friends when things are rough.
Success is not a zero-sum game. Friends, real friends, don’t assume it is. Sure, they may return your Xmas gift for a too-small size, but at least they’ll feel bad about it later.
You’re allowed to want to run around shouting “Why isn’t it me?” But adults know the difference between ‘want to’ and ‘do’.
To the Anonymous Author:
I tend to agree with Poison Ivy and Jen Apodaca. Have you talked with your “friend” about what others have said that she said? How reliable are the people who are reporting to you about her negative remarks? Has she said any of those negative things to you?
If her friendship is something you truly value, you should have a one to one conversation about the issue, as Tina suggests above. If she is more of an acquaintance, then it would probably be best to cut all ties with her.
Kay
She never was a friend if she’s not happy for your success.
I’d be hurt but look on it as a life lesson – many people say they are friends when actually they are mere acquaintances.
My friends laugh because I won’t call anyone a friend until I’ve known them over a year…and if they call me a friend I’ll say “Nope, I’ve only know you __ months so we’re still acquaintances.”
This is all due to getting horribly flattened by a supposed “friend” while in college over 20 years ago…it was devastating and changed the way I viewed people/friends/acquaintances forever.
I wouldn’t wish this view of people on this author (congrats on your success by the way) but I think too many people do label mere acquantainces as friends and then get hurt when these acquantainces don’t react like a friend would.
Sorry if this isn’t real eloquent…but I’m definitely not an author.
First, Sarah, wanted to say how great it was to meet you in person at the conference – I was the one with Bella Andre who accosted you after the Ritas. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to meet Candy too. Well, you’ll both have to come to SF next year!
Anyway, on jealousy: for me personally, the best way to deal with it is to embrace it and admit it. The more I try to push it down, the more it bubbles up. So when my CP’s sold/got agents before I did, I jumped for joy on their behalf, hung up the phone, and cried for myself.But I’ve never once felt that they don’t deserve their success – it’s just that I want it too. And then I put the kibosh on the pity party and get my happy ass back to work, because that’s the only way I’ll ever achieve my own success.
The author needs to find a new writer friend. Really. There are plenty of authors out there who don’t act this way and who are supportive and genuine. Hang with them because this sort of negativity and begrudging attitude will poison everything. To me, it’s the difference between “I hope that happens to me too” and “it should happen to me instead of her.” The former is healthy. The latter is toxic.
What everyone else said. Shed the toxic waste.
On a side note:
My friends laugh because I won’t call anyone a friend until I’ve known them over a year…and if they call me a friend I’ll say “Nope, I’ve only know you __ months so we’re still acquaintances.â€
I’m slow to commit to people, too. “That guy I’ve been seeing” was going to have wait a long time to be upgraded to “my boyfriend.” Perhaps he’ll be appeased by becoming “my boyacquaintance” in another 6 months…
First-thanks to Laura for posting the link to the Jenny Cruisie article on professional jealousy-I was thinking about it as I read this post.
Everyone has probably already said everything necessary-yes, this friend is toxic and was never someone who is truly capable of being a friend-and it can still be hard to walk away. But do it if you can.
My career has gone from zero to full speed ahead rather quickly. I am lucky enough to have a bunch of friends who can say ‘I love you and I’m so happy for you, but I hate you a little bit right now.’ I don’t mind. They’re being honest and airing that moment of jealousy and getting it over with. There are also a few people I’ve had to leave behind because of the same sort of behavior mentioned in the letter.
Find friends who can celebrate your success, who are self-aware enough to deal with their own feelings of envy in a mature, appropriate manner.
Sylvia Day and…ooh, I can’t remmeber who else, did a workshop on this subject at Nationals that I missed due to another commitment, so you’re not alone! An unfortunately necessary subject to cover.
Negativity is not good for anyone, particularly writers who need to be creative. Personally, I’d confront the person and get it over with, rather than letting it drain me. Some people definitely just aren’t worth hanging on to.
And yes, there is also the question of the bearers of bad tidings-why repeat something, (and we all know how quickly the truth can disappear in translation) when you know it’s going to hurt the person you are telling it to? Why not stand up for her in the first place so that the negativity doesn’t get the opportunity to spread to the author and bring her/him down?
When people bad-mouth other writers to me, I tell them that I don’t do that and that the writing world is tough enough without spreading negativity-what goes around comes around…
I think it’s also important to have a circle of friends who don’t give a possum’s patootie that you’re a writer. As you make friends in the business, don’t forget the people who “knew you when.” They’ll be there when you fall on your butt (and you *will* fall on your butt, unless you die at the peak of your career like James Dean or Kurt Cobain, and really, who wants that?), and they will love you just as much then as now, as long as you continue to cultivate those relationships.
Fellow writers are like any other coworkers—some become lifetime soulmates, others are passing acquaintances.
Well, thanks to all of you who mentioned the old essay on the website. That made me feel good.
I think it’s probably true in any profession: The higher you rise, the fewer friends you have. But boy, the ones who stick are true.
I wouldn’t burn any bridges until you know for sure what’s really going on, and even then, I’d just be cautious, not cut anyone off. I was at a conference once with a table full of people, some friends, some strangers, and a writer I knew sat down and said, “One of your writing partners is talking about you behind your back.” And she named her. And I thought, “X is not that damn dumb, even if she was mad at me, she wouldn’t torpedo the project.” So I said, “Oh, I’m sure she was kidding,” and tried to turn the conversation. But this woman insisted on discussing it in detail in front of a table full of people. My problem was not my writing partner, no matter what she’d said,and I’m pretty sure she’d made a joke in passing that gossipers picked up on. My problem was the woman who was torpedoing my project right in front of me.
So my first question when people volunteer this kind of info is “Why are you telling me this?” I’m not going to go confront somebody and say, “X said that you said this.” That’s grade school playground stuff. I’m not going to start a war with her; I don’t have the time and it would hurt my professional rep. If she is talking about me, there’s nothing I can do to stop her and she’s only hurting herself by being so transparently jealous. There’s nothing I need to do here, so why do you, the tale bearer, think I need to have this info?
Yeah, there are times when you need to tip somebody off, but another friend of mine did it beautifully during lunch one day, talking about another author. She hesitated and then said, very quietly, “X is not your friend.” That’s all I needed to know, coming from this person whom I trust completely. I have no idea what that X said about me, I don’t need to know. I just need to be careful.
But truthfully, you always need to be careful. There are about a dozen people in the industry I trust without reservation which is a lot; everybody else I’m glad to see, but I watch my back. People are always going to talk—when they stop talking about you you know your career’s dead—so ignore them and enjoy your work and your life. For the most part, they can’t hurt you unless you let them. And after all, you’re the one who’s so successful that you’ve left them with bile in their hearts: You already won.
Who was it who said “Every time a friend succeeds, a little part of me dies”? A joke, I think….
For me, this begs the question of whether or not it is a good idea for someone new to writing (like me) to seek writing friends e.g. by joining a writing group or seeking a writing buddy. Good idea or not?
That’s just sad. My kids have experienced this type of thing in competitive sports & dance, it’s upsetting & exhausing. They have also been on the other side, of being in the position of finding it within yourself to be happy for a friends accomplishments and strengthening the friendship instead of destruction.
Somebody that can’t find it in some corner of their heart to be happy for you, expecially in public, really isn’t a friend. Although the mentions of swelling heads are also valid, and it’s important for those who are successful to remember their humble roots…and work at remaining a good friend.
My definations: Envy = I want what you have and wish I had it also (or hope to get it). Jealousy = I want what you have and would take it from you if I could. Therefore, IMO envy can be healthy & motivating…but jealousy is just mean & nasty.
I also encourage a confrontation, in private & as nice as you can manage. If it dosen’t cure the situation, at least you will have closure. but if your “friend” cannot get her jealousy under control, loose her.
DL – great distinction between envy and jealousy. I guess that makes me envious, not jealous 🙂
Gore Vidal said It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
And dl, I make the same distinction between envy and jealousy (though when I looked them up to see if my use was supported, they’re given as synonyms for each other, LOL!).
Well, this drew me out of lurk mode, because the *same* thing happened to me when I made my first sale several years ago, and it’s still painful for me today. I was part of a very small (unpublished) critique group, and two of the members were genuinely excited for me while freely able to admit that they were envious as hell when an agent signed me and subsequently sold my first book. The third member got unbelievably snarky and downright mean in her critiques, and elsewhere online started posting things about how my agent was a quack, how the house that pubbed me was so bad that she would refuse a contract from them if they offered her one (this, of course, happened AFTER I’d provided referrals to both my agent and editor and both rejected her work!), and other not-so-behind-my-back snarky comments of that ilk.
What particularly mystifies me is that she maintains this online persona where she’s always claiming to be so “ethical” and “professional.” Yeah, I guess if you say it over and over, you start believing it?!
I say hi when I see her at conferences and try to smile and wave, but I will never trust her, and I had to walk away from the friendship/acquaintanceship for good. Honestly, I don’t think it’s worth a confrontation because I think she doesn’t remotely see herself the way others see her, and would, no doubt, claim it was all my imagination.
The other two ladies are still my critique partners and I consider both among my best friends.
I’ve always wondered what causes some people to grind on the jealousy train. I guess some folks need to screw their heads on straight.
As a writer, I’m a minnow in a really huge pond, so there’s no need for anyone to be jealous of me.
But speaking as one of the minnows, I applaud strangers when I hear they got a book deal, so imagine when the person is a friend, what the reaction is (and should be)!
It reinforces my own hopes. Not discourages them. My feeling is that the jealous “friends” aren’t looking at this from the right perspective.
My take on it (when someone I personally know gets a deal) is that someone from my section of the pond made it! That is something to cheer, not disparage!
As long as publishers are still buying books from unpublished and new authors, then there is hope for all of us.
It happens in every line of work. I’ve been wondering, however, how much bitchy catty jealousy is behind some of the recent poop at the RWA, which seems determined to marginalize huge numbers of its own membership.
Life is too short.