Some kind reader sent us several covers from Lady Aibell Press a while back. And by “kind,” I mean “256 different flavors of sadistic, you goddamn bastard.” I would’ve forgotten about the existence of these covers, but a hard drive clean-up turned them up, and like the generous bitch that I am, I’m sharing the pain with you.
Candy: How To Turn into an Angel in Three Easy Steps:
1. Buy a bad Rick James wig.
2. Fold giant paper fans and staple to your back.
3. Run around shirtless while looking creepily smug.
Sarah: My concept of guardian angel does not at all include Scott Baio with a greasy, stringy mullet and wings made of kilos of cocaine. I struggle to think whose angel that might be. Maybe Lindsey Lohan’s.
Candy: “Eep, opp, ork, ah ah”—that means “I’ll have dirty anal sex with both of you using my unnaturally huge toes in the back of your brother’s broken-down 1979 Cutlass while warping the aspect ratio of reality.”
Sarah: now that’s a whole new fetish subset I’d never considered: Empty Head Women With Giant Bunion Feet—Plus Bonus Alien.
Candy: Darlin’, if you knew how to position your mouth correctly, you wouldn’t have to dislocate your jaw every time you tried to give a blowjob. Seriously, going down on a dude works so much better when you’re actually within proximity of his dick, know what I mean?
I mean, the judge doesn’t exactly look impressed. And check out your boyfriend, there. He’s all “Eh, what can I do? The blowjobs are terrible, but let’s be honest here, with a face like mine, I’m lucky to be getting any kind of trim at all.”
Sarah: According to the American Legion flag code, “The flag should never be fastened, displayed, used, or stored in such a manner as to permit it to be easily torn, soiled, or damaged in any way.”
By placing the flag on a book with a woman too dumb to know where a penis is located and two smarmy men with a penchant for too much toupee glue, this cover has done more to damage and soil the flag and the international reputation of the USA than any international affair of the last 25 years.
Too bad the American Legion doesn’t directly specialize in the asskicking of those who desecrate the American flag by placing it on horrific covers. The only thing worse would be alien feet.
This is deep WTF territory. I’m stunned, flabbergasted and confused by these covers (and their truly terrible use of photoshop).
Oh, God. I honestly didn’t believe that last one could have anything to do with sex or romance. I had to go check it out. The “hero’s” name is Elmo Thudpucker. I kid you not. It’s a comedy. A sexy comedy.
There’s another book on the site called Humper County Vampires.
Ok, these outcreep anything previous on any thread.
I mean, eeewwwwwwwww!
Wait,
for something to be a ‘sexy comedy’ shouldn’t there be something sexy?
*crying*
Oh man, this was just the worst day ever until Right This Second.
*snort*
For an intense aesthetic whiplash experience, look these covers over again. Then look at the final paperback cover for Crusie et al’s The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes.
warning: do not attempt this maneuver in the reverse order. Severe nausea and depression may result.
Isn’t the non-judge guy in the last one a member of the Adamms Family? The son? His name escapes me now.
Good lord! Gomez Addams and Pugsley.
I’m gonna have nightmares now.
MaryKate, I think he looks like Oliver Platt, myself.
The Adams boy’s name was Pugsley.
Doesn’t “Oklahoma Space Odyssey” sound something like the “aliens at the Holiday Inn, Paramus” story from Dr. Venkman’s bad talk show in Ghostbusters 2? Or is that too obscure?
My first thought was Jack Nicholas in the Shining, but I can see what you mean about Pugsley.
::wiping eyes::
I really, really needed that today. And my first thought on the third cover was Oliver Platt.
Thanks bitches!
When Candy first sent me those covers, I put my hands on my stomach reflexively to cover Baba O’Riley’s eyes.
I seriously thought that the chick on the left of the alien was Christina Applegate at first glance. With HUGE feet.
Seriously – who thought these covers were a good idea???
Awww! Those are somebody’s children you’re making fun of.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
None of these people look right. I can’t tell if they are real of just a bad case of photoshop. The wings look like paper plates.
It should be a CRIME to misuse Photoshop this way. Specifically, a felony. Write your state legislators, Congressmen, and Senators.
But must admit – ROFL. I laughed so hard one of my dogs got scared and ran out the dog door.
I’m at a convention with a bunch of lawyers. Surely I can find a litigator who’ll agree that I’ve been severely traumatized by viewing these covers and can sue for damages.
I must admit…every time you guys run one of these cover columns I laugh my fricking butt off…
*all the while secretly relieved that it’s not MY cover being snarked*
and by the way, how in the heck do THEY know that aliens only have TWO toes????hmmmmmmmmm?????
Holy CRAP! Lady Aibell it is a real publisher.
With a romance/erotica category called Hillbilly Heaven!
Oh this is sad and yet so so so funny.
Oops no Hillbilly Haven!
Oh my, in the Gay section a book title “A Cup of Joe” right there next to “Elfmeet”… This is better than Walmart on a Saturday night!
Oh my god, you mean there’s a genre’ for Hillbilly Erotica?
Lil Abner and Stooptify’n Jones wasn’t enough!!?!
I think we’ve found the Dollar General Store of Erotcia.
Okay, I’m an Okie. I know we’re kinda weird sometimes, maybe even eccentric red necks. Heck, maybe even Hillbillies. But I swear, I never met anyone with freaky-ass-mutant-hammer-toe-feet; however, there is this weird alien obsession that pops up now and again. *shakes head* So I guess there’s some truth in advertising.
ok, so being the masochistic bitch that i am, i had to go check out Humper County Vampires. my only thought: are you SHITTING ME???
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Vlad and Wilbur, two vampires from “the old country” end up at a harvest festival in Humper, Oklahoma. They lose their teeth in a fight, learn to drink 190 proof corn whiskey and have sex with with all the willing females in Humper County.
Wilbur went to Oklahoma City and opened a blood bank, but Vlad stayed behind and did his best to leave a smile on every woman’s face and drink Humper County dry. What more could a down home countrified vampire want out of life?
You know, this goes beyond Dollar Store of e-pubs. This is back country truck stop material. The kind of place Britney walks into barefoot to use the john.
“What more could a down home countrified vampire want out of life?”
If there is a god he gets a country fried steak in the heart… with extra gravy!
The White Trash Vampires of Humper County.
Who wudda thunk it?
Ok, who owns this site Billie Joe MacAllister?
Ok, who owns this site Billie Joe MacAllister?
Good one, Teddy. MacAllister is a nice, common Okie last name.
Victoria and Bella are hurting me. *can’t stop laughing* Man this is sooo fricken wrong.
Vampires in Hicks ville . . . all I can think of is my friend Jess’s take on basement dwelling Satan worshipers, “He’s the King of the Night, the Big Bad, Lucifer, the Shining One. He can have any woman he wants. He can spend eternity tempting the powerful and corrupting world leaders, but instead he hangs out with some low-IQ loser who’s never left his mother’s basement? Yeah, right.â€
Out of all the covers you’ve snarked since you started this website, these are the absolute worst. You should give this publisher some kind of award…
Didn’t Billy Joe die jumping off that bridge?
I really just don’t get how anyone – let alone people aiming to run a publishing business – can think that these covers are anywhere near presentable.
Maybe I’m becoming a cranky old bitch, (and it is morning, so that’s not helping), but in all honesty, these are totally, totally awful.
Maybe I just don’t get some sort of twisted humor, ‘cos my funny cell isn’t awake yet. Maybe they’re satirical. Or a brilliant visual word-play. Or something.
Or maybe they’re just really, really bad.
i second the nom for worst ever covers..
there have been BAD, but jeeezus…my mouth came open and i was speechless with the horny 2 toed alien…i mean , C’MON!!!!!????!!!!
i wonder if there are chat rooms with horny earth bitches in heat for 2 toed 3 eyed GREEN aliens…
ow ow ow ow.
All in favor of worst publisher’s covers?
(And that dubious distinction is pretty significant considering the trash you’ve highlighted over the years. Changeling? Second best, baby!)
Changeling Press just has a severe Poser addiction so their problem is mostly technology based with some exceptions.
Now Dork… I mean Torquere Press is in this league of ugly.
You know, this almost… almost makes one nostalgic for Ben’s Wildflower.
Photoshop-abuse should be a crime!
(But I do so enjoy the snark.)
I just don’t get it. It makes me ponder what Dear Judge is even about?? And why is Jack Black sneering at me?? And how did the “artist” for Oaklahoma Space Odyssey think that was a good use of perspective.?Oh, and why does the angel have a different skin tone on his head than on his mantitty?? I don’t know how to use Photoshop but I’m willing to bet I could do better. Heck, my 7 month old could do better hitting random key strokes. My head hurts just pondering these things. Its time for a beer.