Sarah: Being dead: $5000 for local hitman.
Being dead and still looking pretty fine: $5000 for local mortician.
Being dead and having some dimwit engage in actual coitus with your corpse on the cover of a $4.99 romance novel: Only the art department knows the cost, but one would suspect it cost their souls.
Candy: The SEXTH SENSE? Dude, when your pickup line is “I see dead people—and then I fuck them rotten,” what you have is a bona fide DSM-IV disorder, not a catchphrase. In the spirit of “Thou Shalt Always Kill,” here’s another commandment for you: Thou shalt not shag corpses.
Bitchery reader Katherine sent us a link to this… cover:
Sarah: That’s one way to refer to gonorrhea.
Candy: When I saw that cover, I immediately heard Wolf Parade singing “Sometimes we rock and roll, sometimes we strip at home and it’s just fine, this thong’s on fire, this thong’s on fire, this thong’s on fire, this thong’s on fire.”
Anybody else? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
And courtesy of Lady Rhian, oh the pain:
Sarah: Few people know about Ass Pirate and Butt Pirate’s younger brother, Petticoat. One might think he’s into chicks, but really, it’s all for show. Because that’s a man, baby, yeah!
Candy: It’s nice to see that homeboy is setting realistic expectations for himself, y’know? Instead of Terror of the Seven Seas or King of the Pyrates and other such hyperbolic sobriquets, this dude lives up to his name thoroughly. No disappointment, no false advertising.
Next up in this new Truth in Romance series:
The Pencil-Necked Rogue
Thief of Stacks of Post-It Notes
Lord of My Sock Drawer
Knight in Renn Faire Armor
Kalen, you can start by coverting TOF into a Blaze or a Brava.
Hmmmmmm, I think my trailer skank would be a thong wearer . . . and she’d purposefully wear them with looooooooow rise jeans so that you’d get way more than mere VPL. I’m thinking someone who’d make Joy on My Name is Earl look classy (with a k).
THONG. ON. FIRE.
Oh, god. Stop. Please. i’m crying from laughing so hard here – have some mercy! my supervisor just came by my cube and asked if i was okay…. i could only nod weakly as i blotted the tears from my eyes.
*lack37* as in, A Lackwit Named This Book.
It gets better
Noire has also done a book with that well known author 50 cent which sounds even more thrilling than Thong on Fire.
Baby Brother
The seven Davis brothers made a promise to their mother on her deathbed: they would each make something of their lives. And they vowed they would watch over eighteen-year-old Zabu Davis, their baby brother. Intelligent, driven, and charismatic, Baby Brother had resisted the lure of Brooklyn street life and was headed for Stanford University on a pre-med scholarship. But on the eve of his departure for California, in a split second of blinding violence, Baby Brother’s life is thrown onto a tragic collision course. Soon, his devoted brothers follow a path of blood justice that will rock the city streets. Baby Brother was their pride and joy. Now, he’s their reason to fight for vengeance.
Baby Brother must’ve got the clap from Saucy.
The seven Davis brothers
Fitty Cent needs to meet the Man from St Ives.
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives
That would straighten things out. All redeemed by the love of a good woman. Or seven. Seven wives for seven brothers. Oh never mind.
Hey there’s an ol’ timey musical called “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”. Granted it was set in a rural American mountain town around the late 19th C (so it seemed) but I’m sure black urban post-feminist erotic hip hop remake would be a grrrreat idea.
I’m still trying to get through Cross-Dressing Rapscallions and Crabbers’ Snatch. So I guess I’ll pass on these.
How bad is it that when I first looked at that last book, I read it as Petticoat PARADE, instead of Petticoat Pirate? I suspect that would have a whole new meaning, though 🙂
<
>
Oh please, oh please name your hero Bubbles!
Oh god, this is… this is… I couldn’t beleive it. I thought for SURE you guys had edited the covers. No WAY would anyone name anything “Thong on Fire”. I mean… there is absolutely NO good way to take it!
But it’s true! Oh god it’s TRUE!! The quote from Amazon is REAL! I think I’m going to hide under the couch and cry.
Is your thong on fire??
Yeah you heard me, is your thong on fire??
Dont know what I’m talking about?
Then you need to go to your nearest bookstore; whether its online or on the corner and cop THONG ON FIRE by NOIRE.
This book by far is the best one I’ve EVER read in a long time. (which is considered excellent because I’ve been stuck on The Coldest Winter Ever for the longest!)
It will have you laughing, have you crying, even have you wanting to jump inside the book and beat somebody’s behind.
NOIRE is really doing the damn thing in her tales.
Dont believe me?
Then go cop it.
Dont wanna read THONG ON FIRE?
Then there’s still plenty you can choose from:
G SPOT
CANDY LICKER
THUG-A-LICIOUS
BABY BROTHER
Still not feeling it?
She got a new one coming out soon too called Hood which is another hit!!
Still not feeling it?
Well, you might just be a hater and I dont know what to tell you.
Real recognize real in this game. Why hate on competition?
Tighten yo shit up!
I’m out…..
Lovelle
Author of Alize’ on the Rocks
FROM
THONG ON FIRE
by
NOIRE
Hottt Saucy!
This here ain’t no romance
It’s an urban erotic tale
Hottt Saucy’s on a mission
And she ain’t about to fail
Body of a goddess
But a devil in disguise
Chinky eyes full of dollar signs, slick tongue full of lies
From chips to bling and finer things, Miss Saucy’s out for self
She’ll play you like a herb then put yo ass back on the shelf
Sexing is her weapon, she’ll go grimy to exploit it
She schemed a dope plan and hooked the top man
But her demons just wouldn’t stay dormant
A hustler’s dream, the best of cream, her booty made her sublime
She worked her game and stole some fame and slicked herself a goldmine
Top of the world wasn’t good enough and greed got Saucy dippin
But gangstas see out both their eyes and the big one caught her slippin
So this here ain’t no romance
It’s a straight up shiesty game
Slide too close to Saucy and get burnt up in her flame
In the Beginning….
Have you ever scratched and schemed your way into somebody’s heart? Laid some ill na-na on a gangsta and then hustled him straight outta the game? Traded your goodies for even more goodies? Have you ever schemed on your best friend? Plotted on some real gutter shit that you knew was gonna devastate her, but you went ahead and did it anyway? Did you use what you got to grab what you wanted? Committed acts so grimy that even God looked down on you and cried? Oh? That ain’t how you living? Well there’s a stunna up in this party tonight, so you betta get on your game and clock ya’ man. Goodnight, hater! Don’t knock my hustle. Didn’t nobody slump my boogeyman in the middle of the night. I was just a lost little girl forced to make it in a grown woman’s world. A child turned out by the rulers of the game. Shit, when you get thrown in a snakepit you better learn how to wiggle! It’s all about survival, baby. And not only did I learn the code of the streets, I made my own damn rules and got paid in the process. So listen close, but watch your pockets. I’m a Harlem girl. A scandalous bitch. A ruthless mama. Me and this city are just alike. Grimy. And we never, ever sleep. So take some notes and get up on a few things. My name is Saucy Sarita Robinson. When life gave me lemons I did not make lemonade. I slipped those lemons in the next bitch’s purse, because this is how I’m living.
STOP BEING A HATER AND GET ON OUR LEVEL “BITCHES”…
SMOOCHES!!
LOVELLE
AUTHOR OF ALIZE’ ON THE ROCKS
Oh I have never laughed so hard in my life!!!
This is NOIRE and I love your website! You ladies sound like a bunch of bitter white bitches who secretly fuck black men with big ghetto dicks, yet publicly denounce all things urban, especially in fiction.
But I’m not mad at you…in fact I love it. I had tears falling from my eyes at whoever wrote the verses to schlong on fire! Now that was just too damned funny and I really loved it. REALLY I DID!
As for the title, oh yes, Saucy is definitely hot in the ass so if you need a black person to translate that for you it means her THONG IS ON FIRE! You girls gotta get ya bitchy up if you want to hang with us because you know you white bitches are hotter in the ass than most and putting out thong flames on a regular basis!
Now that cover…I couldn’t agree with you bitches more. I HATED it and argued about it until I was hoarse and my tongue was swollen. I said, who the hail walks around wearing a fur jacket and a thong??? If its cold enough for a damn jacket its too cold for a damn thong with no covering on the ass, y’all bitches dig me? Oh I fumed and I hated the cover. I still do. But lo and behold, I was watching an episode of COPS the other day and damn if there wasn’t a chick walking on her stroll wearing a jacket and a thong! SAUCY! I cried! Is that you?
Nope it wasn’t Saucy. At least not MY Saucy. The girl on television was the kind of narrow-hipped, no-ass Saucy depicted on the cover of the book, the girl with the kind of ass I’m sure most of you bitches on this board here are sitting on and trying to hide. MY Saucy has a BLACK WOMAN’S ASS, the kind that brothers love to mash on, and if that kind of plump round assmeat had been shown on the cover it would have been a little more acceptable to me, although I really thought the ass should have been covered up and the thong seen peeking from the top of the pants.
Oh well. We can’t always get what we want, but we CAN always talk shit about it! Thanks so much, you wonderful bitches, male and female, for all the free publicity you’ve given me. Negative or positive…I’LL TAKE IT! Read the book if you can, and talk some shit about it for me!
If you’d like me to list your reviews or some information about your website or your logo in the next issue of NoireMagazine.com just let me know and I’ll happily return the favor.
From one bitch to another…
HOLLA (and no white bitches that does not mean start all that damn hysterical screaming you bitches are known for, especially when getting the black dick in secret.)
I mean HOLLA. Like get at me via email.
NOIRE noire @ asknoire.com
Well I guess she told ya’ll (hahahaha)
I enjoyed Thong On Fire and Noire’s other masterpieces.
Ya’ll need to get hip to the Queen and get on your knees cuz she ain’t going no where. You Smell me?
THONG ON FIRE
by
NOIRE
Hottt Saucy!
This here ain’t no romance
It’s an urban erotic tale
Hottt Saucy’s on a mission
And she ain’t about to fail
Body of a goddess
But a devil in disguise
Chinky eyes full of dollar signs, slick tongue full of lies
From chips to bling and finer things, Miss Saucy’s out for self
She’ll play you like a herb then put yo ass back on the shelf
Sexing is her weapon, she’ll go grimy to exploit it
She schemed a dope plan and hooked the top man
But her demons just wouldn’t stay dormant
A hustler’s dream, the best of cream, her booty made her sublime
She worked her game and stole some fame and slicked herself a goldmine
Top of the world wasn’t good enough and greed got Saucy dippin
But gangstas see out both their eyes and the big one caught her slippin
So this here ain’t no romance
It’s a straight up shiesty game
Slide too close to Saucy and get burnt up in her flame
In the Beginning….
Have you ever scratched and schemed your way into somebody’s heart? Laid some ill na-na on a gangsta and then hustled him straight outta the game? Traded your goodies for even more goodies? Have you ever schemed on your best friend? Plotted on some real gutter shit that you knew was gonna devastate her, but you went ahead and did it anyway? Did you use what you got to grab what you wanted? Committed acts so grimy that even God looked down on you and cried? Oh? That ain’t how you living? Well there’s a stunna up in this party tonight, so you betta get on your game and clock ya’ man. Goodnight, hater! Don’t knock my hustle. Didn’t nobody slump my boogeyman in the middle of the night. I was just a lost little girl forced to make it in a grown woman’s world. A child turned out by the rulers of the game. Shit, when you get thrown in a snakepit you better learn how to wiggle! It’s all about survival, baby. And not only did I learn the code of the streets, I made my own damn rules and got paid in the process. So listen close, but watch your pockets. I’m a Harlem girl. A scandalous bitch. A ruthless mama. Me and this city are just alike. Grimy. And we never, ever sleep. So take some notes and get up on a few things. My name is Saucy Sarita Robinson. When life gave me lemons I did not make lemonade. I slipped those lemons in the next bitch’s purse, because this is how I’m living.