Our covers are exceptionally hideous and mildly non-work-safe today, so you will find them below the fold.
As always, click on at your own risk. Fools.
(Credit: Mya)
Candy: If that’s the woman’s face, can you imagine what the dude must look like? OY. And honestly, I was convinced for a long time that the book was a gay romance based solely on the cover.
Sarah: That woman’s face brings new meaning to the phrase, “Ridden hard and put away wet.”
(Credit: Jessica)
Candy: Those aren’t veins so much as lava tubes, which in turn brings up truly unpleasant images of explosions of manly magma. Except this dude looks so ‘roided-out that I’m not sure he’d have much magma in his mantle, dig?
Sarah:
A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in my trousers now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my abs are so hard
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at prostitution
Don’t want to end up a cartoon
On a romance novel.
Boner? Heck no. Boner? Heck no.
Steroids in the moonlight.
Tiny balls, my testicles.
No more beer belly, beer belly
Just a nipple winking at you
n’alarming lack of pubic hair
But I can’t find my penis
I can’t find my firm man meat!
I can’t find my penis,
And if by chance you find him,
you can call him Pete.
(Credit: Amy E.)
Candy: For my portion of the snark, I present to you this e-mail exchange I had with Sarah yesterday:
Me: Were-smurfs are ferocious beasties, aren’t they?
Sarah: Man, all those smurfs with only one Smurfette? Tends to turn them all very, very blue.
Me: Well, that’s why that floppy-wristed Smurf dude was around too, right? The one with the flower in his hat? Damnit, what was his name? I figured he was around to handle the spillover.
Sarah: That would be Vanity Smurf. He’s TWO of the seven deadly sins, all rolled up in to one tight little blue bottom.
Me: Yeah, and he’s one of those pushy bottoms, too. You can just tell.
Sarah: The only thing that adds a side dish of convulsions to the hilarity entree that is Lord BlueBalls here is that the water’s reflective surface shadowing makes it appear that he’s farting out his pee pee hole. When chicks do that, it’s queefing. When a dude does that, what’s it called? Either way, no wonder he’s screaming. That’s gotta hurt.
Yet another decent song forever tarred with the Cover Snark brush.
I’ve had that song stuck in my head since I wrote the parody, so trust me, I’ve created my own private hell on this one.
“Call Me Pete” is just . . . just . . . yuerkk. *shudder* I like a well-built guy, but something about those veins conjures up images of frightening social diseases. And I swear that top row of abs is looking at me.
Mullet MacSmurf on the bottom there seems to be shouting at the gods about something. I don’t want to think about what.
Are you sure cover #1 isn’t two men? It says ‘Men in Love’ and that person is straddling (heh) the estro-testero line with a strong bias toward testero.
According to this review, Ben’s Wildflower is a het romance.
But you’re right; the old wildflower looks a little shopworn there, and maybe a bit acromegalic.
Spamblock word: why66. Why indeed?
Ben’s Wildflower is getting it from all sides this week. Making it a vastly entertaining week, I might add.
And the Smurfs? Hate ‘em. Always have. Wouldn’t let my sons watch ‘cause I thought it was even more sexist than He-Man and She-Ra. I mean, all the guy Smurfs have jobs and the only female Smurf is a chick who primps a lot? Some role modeling there, folks!
Thank you for explaining exactly why those Smurfs are so blue. And now, I’m not so blue.
I keep expecting SB commentary on the Falk comment at Karen Scott’s blog to pop up here. Come on, please?
Darlene beat me to it, on the fact that Ben’s Wildflower is really getting blasted, but apparently, deservedly so and has, in part, led to a brouhaha that’s making the RWA 2005 fallout fade from the memory banks.
Oh no, you did not….
I cannot get away from that book.
OK OK… How much you want to completely remove Ben’s Wild Flour from the internets?
That’s gotta hurt…Sara, your last comment says it all.
Is it all purpose or a self rising flour?
I mean it, I will pay you to erase every copy of that book in existence.
Does Ellora’s Cave do recalls?
Oh dear… from what I understand, too, the female protag on the cover is supposed to be twenty-five.
*hackcoughbullshitohhellnosnort*
ROFL!!!!!!!!!
Sarah, you are officially my hero for the roided Paul Simon… and he seems like such a little man…
And weresmurfs… I’ve got TEARS rolling down my face from that one.
SAFETY RECALL NOTICE
Dear Ellora’s Cave Customer:
What Is Wrong
This notice is sent to you in accordance with the requirements of the National eBook Safety Act. Ellora’s Cave has found out that fragile readers of Men In Love: Ben’s Wildflower by Carol Lynne have reported headache, flushing, irritation of the reviewer, prolonged bowel movements, and vomiting. Visual changes including blurring of vision and a curious need type long senseless rants on Karen’s Blog.
According to our records you have recently purchased Men In Love: Ben’s Wildflower by Carol Lynne and may be affected and notification is necessary. We are sorry to inconvenience you.
What You Should Do
Please return all purchased copies of Men In Love: Ben’s Wildflower by Carol Lynne and delete any others you might find. Please do no return Men In Love: Ben’s Wildflower by Carol Lynne to a secondary retailer. All consumers who return Men In Love: Ben’s Wildflower by Carol Lynne will receive a free copy of The Secret Explained by Kathryn Falk. A heart warming tale of a woman contemplating suicide over a bad review.
Questions
Please feel free to contact Ellora’s Cave Customer Care for any questions concerning this issue. If you call please be sure to have the Title and Publishing date from your eBook.
If you believe that we have failed or are unable to remedy this issue without charge or within a
reasonable time, you may submit a complaint to the Administrator, National eBook Safety Administration, 400 Seventh Street, SW, Washington, DC 20590.
We apologize for any inconvenience the replacement of this eBook causes you.
Sincerely,
Ellora’s Cave.
Were-smurf is howling because he mistakenly ejected his powerful genitalia into the water AGAIN!
I mean seriously with that much showing you should see something of his penis.
The Wildflower thing – she doesn’t necessarily look masculaine, she just looks…. not so happy to be there. Bored spitless.
The were-smurf mantitty is awfully, um, titty-ish. Is that a were-smurfette?
Teddy Pig,
That was hi-larious. I am a cranky bitch and seldom actually crack up at people’s comments, but damn.
And those covers melted my eyeballs, which should explain any typos in my posts today.
Ben’s Wildflower is Bret Michaels from Poison, and there’s a man who surely has been rode hard and put away wet. The odd breast-like bulge is probably a tumor from drug use combined with hairspray overload…
Wolfman’s got no nards! Although he does have freakishly large nipples.
Look! The cover I sent the bitches has been snarked! My pride, it knows no limits. And also my nausea. Limitless, I tell you!
I happen to like that Paul Simon song, and now will be singing this f’ed up version forever. Thank you ever so, Sarah. Youch. Speaking of ‘rhoid rage… oh, I so have to email y’all a photo comparison. Get the eye-bleach ready.
Teddy Pig, I adore your recall letter!
I thought a coupla things when I saw cover number 1, the first being that this must be a gay romance, and wow, it is just not fair that a guy has hair like that. Not fair at all. Then I saw my mistake and thought…don’t they have it backwards here? What? Does she want a piggyback ride? I mean, how long IS his thingy anyway? OH! I guess we’re getting to that!
The second cover, good lord. This is so, so, so, so unattractive IMO. And what, is this guy a six-year-old? Has he just said, You show me yours and I’ll show you mine? And can’t you imagine the little bristly pimples that are going to follow from this wax job? Oh, but the greatest sacrilege to me is that one of my very, very, very favourite parts of a man is that downy soft and oh so promising line of fuzz that travels from his navel to the lovely bits below—the trail of happiness, I call it. So sad.
And the last cover. Jesus smurfy! Who are the people who are going to see this cover and get all hot and bothered and simply have to buy this book? I’m a pretty open-minded old lady, but I don’t want to know those people. The thought scares me. And really—a smurf with silicone breast implants?
Oh, my God—that first cover, the wildflower one—that is totally Napoleon Dynamnite’s Jon Heder in a wig!
And, really, I’ve seen bigger titties on some of the male models, he’s not necessarily hitting on the estrogen, you know?
i thought the snark itself was lovely, and then i get to the comments and Myriantha Fatalis made a MONSTER SQUAD reference!
i will be giggling for days, i tell you, days.