Possibly the most non-work-safe contest at Smart Bitches. Ever.

It all started with an e-mail conversation between Sarah and me, like most of these things often do.

Sarah: If romance novels were comic books, what would the onomatopoeia be of the big O, particularly from the male?

Spifff? Hoerk? Wfffff?

Candy: This is terrifying because I am actually speaking from experience, but: I think one of the most common is “splrt” and variations thereof.

Other suggestions:

“SPOOOOGE!”

“FLLLPHT”

Sarah: Definitely splrt. And seriously, spoooooge makes me laugh so hard.

Wasn’t Ren from Ren & Stimpy’s last name Hoerk? No, that was Hoek. Hoek could also work, though, now that I think about it.

Also:

“Bluuuuuuuuurgh”
“PAFFFT”

Candy: Paffft hahahahahahahaha paffft. Oh Jesus. That one’s reserved for when it hits somebody’s eye, I think.

Others:

“Sprrfft”
“Blork”
“GLUMMMO!”
“SPRRRROT!”
“Flizzzzz”

You know, I bet we could actually conduct Internet research on this. Because seriously, SO MUCH bad porno comickry available on-line.

Sarah:Plunk plunk fizz fizz?

I think this is a question we ought to put to the bitchery. In the form of *drumroll please* a Photoshop contest. A very not safe for work contest! Hah ahahahahah!

Candy: Oh Jesus. Yes.

I’m picturing little word balloons coming out of the characters’ mouths and little spiky sound balloons emerging from their crotches. Like “Unnnnffff!” out of their mouths, and then a tasteful little “BLLLRRRRT” emerging from the lower regions.

Never have I felt such a strong urge to Google for Thundercats erotic fanart. I want to make Lion-O’s fiddly bits say “Cocorico!”

Wow, that particular combination of keywords should net us some interesting hits, eh?

Right, that was the set-up. So here are the Rules of the Contest, beeetches.

1. Grab some suggestive artwork—romance novel covers, comic panels, draw your own, whatever—and Photoshop some balloons with your favorite onomatopoeic representation of The Critical Moment on there.

2. You can use the words we came up with, or you can create your own. See our samples with below. And e-mail them to candy @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com and sarah @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com.

3. Only one entry per person.

4. Feel free to be as high-res as you want with your original masterpiece, but keep our poor little inboxes in mind when you send the files to us. JPEGs, PNGs and GIFs, please.

5. Send us your entries by midnight of May 1. We’ll post the entries on May 3 for voting by the general Bitchery; the entry with the most votes wins. Voting ends on May 9 and we’ll announce the winner on May 11.

6. The prize? A $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com, and a Special Edition Smart Bitch aristocratic title consisting of, well, an onomatopoeic splooge sound.

And now, behold the expertly (snrk!) Photoshopped samples from Sarah and me! (Warning: not particularly work-safe below the fold. Ye’ve been warned.)