Here in Smart Bitch land, it is a day of happy news. And how else to announce the happy happy joy joy than with… cover snark, and more abominations of art from librarian extraordinaire Lady Rhian?
And why the double-dose of cover snark? Because Smart Bitch Sarah is pregnant with the Smart Bitch Not-So-Secret Baby and is due in September – Woo!
Sarah: Ok, so this technically isn’t a baby but he’s young and probably a little older than Smart Bitch Freebird. And my guess at his age is about the only thing that’s right with this cover. Is each person depicted going to a different costume party in a different time period? And why are these two letting the little boy go back in time to the 70’s satin-lapel-and-‘fro era unattended?
And why is there a small dark figure taking a dump in the fire?
Candy: Hgr’nak-G’thak sat patiently and waited. His hunger was ever-growing. It gnawed in his belly and snaked up his spine. The Big Ones did not know. The Big Ones were slow and stupid, and could not possibly comprehend. They cooed at him and talked to him using their crude, ugly language. His eyes glowed, and he smiled in anticipation, knowing that soon he would draw his ceremonial knife from its curly sheath and carve new smiles and new mouths on the Big Ones in places where mouths should never be.
The blood would flow soon. Oh yes. The blood would flow.
Sarah: Him: “Who’s baby is that?”
Her: “I dunno. Somebody’s.”
There really isn’t enough romance set in the trauma, heartbreak and terror of the stolen baby industry.
Candy: The impression I get is that the woman is such a huge whorey whore that she lost track of paternity. Mmmm, herpesbabies!
Sarah: And here is yet another neglected subgenre: orgasmic childbirth romance.
“Oh, honey, the contractions are only four minutes apart!”
“RWOR! LET’S GET IT ON!”
Candy: Hey, if nipple stimulation works to kick-start labor, think about all the wonders clitoral stimulation can do.
Sarah: People. PEOPLE. YOUR BABIES ARE EATING YOU ALIVE.
Her: “Psst.”
Him: “Yeah?”
Her: “How’s Dad? Need some steak sauce?”
Him: “Nah. He’s plenty flavorful on his own. You?”
Her: “Mom could use some tenderizer, but I’m working on it.”
Candy: N’grik-Thagn and H’trag-gmelk crawled over their hosts, anticipation for the coming kill singing in their veins, and wondering how their colleague, Hgr’nak-G’thak, was doing in his quest for blood.
Thanks, gigi! I have experience with the empty, burning eyes myself, as my boys are less than two years apart. (Oh, hello, SB Sarah! Fancy meeting you here. Have some eyedrops.)
Congrats Sarah & The Second Spud!
Congrats Candy!
Congrats to…the poor cover layout folks who were able to put these together without slitting their throats with their X-Acto knives! (Or beating themselves to death with the Adobe Pagemaker packaging, depending on when exactly these were made.)
Services51—heh!
These had me laughing so hard, they probably heard me two miles away. (Holy shit, the killer babies had me snorting. SNORTING, I tell you!)
Congratulations, Sarah! (But note, your boobies are probably going to get much, much bigger than the chick on the orgasmic birth cover. (Unless N’grik-Thagn ate her boobies…)
Congratulations, Sarah – that’s great news.
I’m afraid the Marriage & Miracles book cover is only bringing up memories about when I read that series. My recollection was that this book featured the younger, sheltered, innocent girl – like late teens young – and the older, experienced man and the man walked all over that poor kid. She never knew what hit her. That story frustrated the crap out of me. But the series as a whole was one big cracktacular soap opera, so what’s not to love in the end?
Both clitoral and nipple stimulation are great ways to get labor a-going … sexual arousal increases oxytocin levels in the blood, which prompts contractions. And if you really want to get it going, full blown intercourse is super great because semen is a prostaglandin, which is great to get the cervix dilating. But female orgasm is best.
Excellent cover snark. Sorry for the random info, but I just came from a midwifery conference and I’m all pumped … go forth and orgasm your way to a better birth experience! 🙂