Oh, the overdeveloped sense of honor that exists among the readership of the Bitchery. Lady Rhian sent me the following email: Do you accept cover snark submissions from other people? I work in a library, and we have some of the most snark-able covers I’ve seen.
Let it be said that the Smart Bitches, we are the big fans of librarians. We each have tasteful shrines in our living rooms, almost as tasteful as our shrines to Dave Barry, Fabio, and deSalvo, dedicated to the wondrous powers of the librarian. So to have a librarian go above and beyond the call of bookly duty and scan in covers that ought to have broken the office equipment on the first pass makes us even more pleased – and horrified at the quality of books that haunt the paperback shelves.
Candy: Jesus/Eleanor of Aquitaine fanfic! Now I’ve seen everything!
Sarah: How much must it suck to finally find your time travel romance opportunity, where you leave the baggy fashions of the 80’s and the Aquanet behind only to find yourself… hiding behind a tree with Jesus.
Of course, Jesus himself might be in for a surprise because looks to me like she’s got man hands and an Adam’s apple.
Candy: It took me an unconscionably long time for me to figure out that the dude’s head belonged to the body behind the woman. My initial reaction was that J.R. “Bob” Dobbs’ early gig before hooking up with the Church of the Subgenius was floating as a disembodied head over fields of marijuana, conferring protection to the crop and its growers, provided they were white and middle-class, with a painful penchant for kitten sweaters.
Sarah: What’s with the girl from the Juicy Juice commercial hiding in the foliage? Or is he Choirmaster Ken swinging from a tree holding pupil-less Barbie in his arms, while Skipper jumps out of the leaves to scare them both?
Candy: The first thing that came to mind when I saw this cover was, “Did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on the llama, llama’s llama tastes of llama, llama llama duck.”
That song will not leave my head. Pity me.
(Oh, I just bet her llama tastes like llama. It is, after all, densely wooded llama land.)
And another bit of random Llama Comedy Awesomeness:
Llamas: the premier comedy animal. Not so much with the romance.
Sarah: And you know she’s looking over his shoulder, saying, “Llama! Llama! DUCK!”
Can you imagine the heartbreak of knowing your much-worked-on manuscript is going out into the world as an inspirational titled “Llama Land?” On the humor-to-holy spectrum, llamas are way, way over on the humor side. So are ducks.
No, seriously. That’s what they’re going to be turned into if they don’t RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE RAGING INFERNO BEHIND THEM instead of gazing into each other’s eyes with sultry intent.
Also, random animal comedy moment: Is the cat rescuing a chipmunk, there, or is it attempting to pack a snack for the long, lean, homeless days ahead?
Sarah: The next time I read a purply-prosed romance novel that talks about someone’s burning passion, instead of imagining a galloping case of gonorrhea, I’m going to picture this cover.
As for Candy’s question regarding the cat, I think the cat is packing lunch, and so is the heroine – she’s not going to hump him. Once he’s nice and crispy, he’s going to be sandwiched between some white bread, bacon, and tomato.