Sarah: Ah, the powers of a well-boned bodice. It can lift even a man’s flabby chest into a buxom feast. Thus the real secret of the princess’ masquerade. Unfortunately, Mr. Anatomically-Incorrect-in-the-Shoulders-Plus-Bonus-Mullet there, he doesn’t know all there is to know about the Crying Game.
Candy: You know what makes me most nervous about this cover? The way he has his fingers curled alarmingly around her arm. It looks like he’s getting ready to rip out a chunk because CHUNGA, CHUNGA HUNGRYYYYY.
Sarah: She’s not swooning, she’s trying to get away – because that man ain’t right. His forearms are too small, his man titty is big, but his shoulders are bigger, his nipple is freaking looking at me… and I won’t even get into his rubber-faced sneer. It’s like a Halloween mask that got put away wrong.
Candy: Oh, dude. This is like, the Pygmalion fable gone horribly, horribly wrong. Only instead of a sculpture, we have a plastic mannequin. A plastic mannequin in a kilt during an era when kilts weren’t commonly worn yet. No wonder the chick looks so horrified. He’s not just a mannequin, he’s an anachronistic mannequin.
Sarah: “Now, my granny told me that if I fling my skirts like this, turn around three times, knee you in the groin, and break your nose by knocking it into my sternum, I’ll be gifted with a winning lottery ticket. Come on, big bucks, no whammies!”
Candy: Note for clueless dudes: A zerbert against the breastables is not sexy. Repeat: a zerbert against the breastables is not sexy.
Sarah: It’s not the image that’s so much of a trainwreck, but the title(s) are a…what, now?
Poor man. He’s quietly appealing, and handsome to look at. He looks almost sweet, even. Meanwhile, that sneering hussy is all, “I want to steal your suspenders, forget my bra and run off with the lair of the wolf. Now gimme your hat.”
Candy: Yeah, he is a cutie. But the chick looks like a fuckin’ cylon. Seriously. Watch her spine when she orgasms. I bet it does that back-and-forth red light thing.
The Princess and Her Pirate?
Right title, wrong book? A Scottish Highlander Pirate?
Tartan and Broadsword, please meet Eyepatch and Pegleg. With the former you get a deerhound and a stallion as familiars. With the latter you get a parrot and a rat.
Verrily, the mind boggles.
gah. Meant to say: Right title, wrong *cover. Wrong Cover for the title.
Oh, forget it.
What’s hotter than a pirate? A bare-chested pirate in a KILT. Oh yeah, baby….
I’ve got to ask. Who is Lois Greiman? And which of the publishing gods did she piss off to get stuck with those boobage covers?
Is it me, or does the first guy look like Tom Hanks with DaVinci Code hair?
Now, I want you to look closely at the face of the Princess who’s pressed against the Pirate. Whose face is that? If you said Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard…DING-DING-DING, you’re correct!
The kilt I’m thinking would pose a few interesting plot twists out there on the high seas. “Oy! Boy go on up and cinch that yard arm… and do it reeeeeal slow….”
Oh sorry that would be a different book or possiabily a pay per view…
Number One is CLAWING the bitch. Isn’t that her job?
Number Two is fighting for her life! I think he wants her headband. Plus what’s she doing out in the middle of the moors or wherever in her purple ballgown?
Number Three? This dude is unconscious, probably from being kneed in the groin by a woman who really only wants his snappy vest.
Four? Jeez, the cylon and the young Amish lad, who had not yet grown his beard. She has a plan for him, baby. Yes, she has a plan.
I wish I had something funny to say, but my eyes are watering too bad from laughing so hard. The post itself was enough to make me pee, but the comments are equally killer…
especially the eyepatch/pegleg one!
Maybe it’s just because I’m tired and cranky, but I swear in that first cover it looks to me like they’re getting busy in a pile of skulls.
His rubber-faced sneer is probably coming from the castle/oil refinery in the back ground.
Number two…yeah, the Scottish Pirate, don’t remember too many of those in the history books. But, if he’s standing around on ship at sea in a kilt, I want to buy a ticket to watch.
Number Three…girl escaped from a circus, she’s a contortionist. The body just dosen’t bend that way normally. So gross that guy with her just puked down her bodice.
Back and Forth Redlight thing!! ROFLMAO Thank you, thank you for that wonderful image.
Monica
Oh my, but guy #4 is cute. Like a younger, more attractive Mark Green from ER. I wanna bitchslap the cylon and save him from losing his virginity to a space ho.
Nothing clever to say. Just BWAHAHAHAHA!! And the comments…OMFG hysterical…castle/oil refinery? The woman who wants his snappy vest? Spare me, mercy, mercy please…
Oh, Miri, I’d SO read that book!
I have nothing to contribute, snark-wise – y’all are too good. Field of skulls! Vomit down dress! Familiars! But, with my word submission being ‘happened69’, I couldn’t not comment.
I love it! A kilted pirate!
Do people not know that the kilt (and even the Scots idea of family tartans) was invented tradition, popularized by 19th century Scots with an overly romantic view of the past?
The first one: Despite what Sarah and Candy have said, the woman doesn’t look like she could be a guy (even if it is in a scenario similar to that of The Crying Game), but she does look like Maya Rudolph (of SNL fame) or a white Diana Ross (and it looks like she’s going to sing “Stop in the Name of Love”) The man looks like Brad Garrett with a mullet or some male TV star with a mullet.
The second one: It looks like the girl is in shock because she made fun of her man for having such a small sword, but turns out that he is a grower. Look how her hair is standing on ends and how she has that “Well, that shut me up!” expression on her face. Either that or she’s dying and the guy doesn’t care. The guy looks like a clean shaven Colin Farrell. I don’t know if that’s good or bad because I liked Farrell with facial hair.
The third one: The guy is shouting into the woman’s cleavage to see if there is an echo and the girl is kneeing him in the stomach (or groin, too hard to tell) in retaliation. And what the hell is a zerbert?
The last one: The guy is Jake Gyllenhaal (which is funny, because I just watched the episode of SNL he hosted last week) with lighter hair and the girl…could be a cylon in disguise (I’m not a big Battlestar Galactica fan), but looks like she’s under the age of consent.