Sarah: Poor Emma Holly. The minute her heroes and heroines move to Europe, they start living in fetid, purple waters, rising out of the drink to maul passersby with their Swamp Thing.
I know erotica authors frequently write about people being wet, but I don’t think this is what they meant.
Candy: Parasite fetishes are a rare but increasingly popular movement. Look at how ecstatic they are to be bumping uglies in all that standing water. He’s all, “My leetle one, you are so deeleeeeecious. You smell just like ze giardia.” And she’s all “Oh, darling, I find your candirú irresistible. TAKE ME LIKE AN ANIMAL.”
Sarah: The Phaaaaaaaaantom of the giant wings, the dessicated face, and the pregnant heroine with the itchy nightgown is heeeeeeeeeeere!
Candy: Well, finally, an undead hero with an authentically rotting face.
Sarah: Her: “My mouth is up here.”
Him: “I’m not trying to kiss you. I’m trying to keep my hair dry under your giant hat. Alfonse just finished styling my mullet.”
Candu: You know, I’ve heard of fiendish plots perpetrated by blancmange-shaped aliens in an effort to win Wimbledon. But this is the first time I’ve seen a brain parasite disguised as a strawberry blancmange take over a human. Look at the way it’s extending a sly pseudopod towards the man. It’s sniffing for the presence of brains—a quest doomed for failure, I’m afraid.
Heehee.
Please, could you talk about the cover for Angel in a Red Dress by Judith Ivory in the next edition of Covers Gone Wild? There’s no man-titty; it’s more of a head-scratcher.
I don’t know why such a consistently fabulous author gets such crappy covers!
That Hern cover? All I could think was, “It’s only fun ‘til someone pokes an eye out.”
What’s with the swan in that first cover? Where I live there are signs reminding people to not feed the “water fowl” so as not to spread duck itch.
International travel doesn’t agree with Mihail—he certainly didn’t look like that on the cover of my book
Okay, all I can think of when I see the Hern cover is: Strawberry Shortcake: All Grown Up…
Why are the redhead in the water and the pregnant blonde holding their heads in EXACTLY the same position? Are they twins separated at birth who have no knowledge of each other, yet mimic the same gestures, body language and share the same unfortunate fashion sense? And is the blonde pregnant with Prince Oscuro’s demon secret baby?
These are questions in need of answers.
But the most important question is….. Why, why do you insist on posting links (and to the fiendishly addictive Monty Python)? Don’t you know I have work to do!
Mel- I had the same thought! And now I must go clean coffee out of my keyboard. Naughty Candy with the Giardia comment!
You know, nothing says “romance” to me quite like a bottle redhead with giardia, Count Floyd after one too many scotches, and a dress made out of Grandma’s kitchen drapes.
Also Grandma’s cubic zirconia and tanzanite ring, from the Shopping Channel.
Holy Crap, she stole Harold “Harry” Potter from Monty Python!
There was also a notable motor racer in the 50s called Harold Potter, a notable British civil servant, a string of garages, a 19th century writer, a physicist – it’s a common name.
With the second cover, I didn’t think ‘Phantom of the Opera’. I thought ‘Evil Dead romance novel tie-in’. Is it just me, or does that guy look like a zombie Bruce Campbell?
I have rarely seen such an expression of boredom as that exhibited by Undead Fred, and the blond seems to be napping, albeit in a very odd position. Perhaps it should have been called “Sweet Savage Ennui?”
That is quite the hat the heroine is wearing on the Hern cover.
Yep. Words fail me…
After staring for a disturbingly long amount of time at Strawberry Shortcake, I have to wonder what Holly Hobby’s up to nowdays?
… or maybe she’s leaning back and squinting in the candlelight to try to discern the dreaded truth that lies at the heart of his Dark Combover?
Giardia girl and pregnant girl—are they the same chick with a different bottle of Nice ‘N’ Easy? Then again, blondie might’ve just fainted from the smell of decay. Lord Putrify looks a wee bit malodorous.
Emma Holly’s h. & h. can take comfort in the fact there is a graceful swan in the background of their swampy setting. Unless it fast-pedals toward the entangled lovers and goes for the lady’s exposed nips. (Wonder if she has swastikas tattooed on them?)
And how can Feehan’s heroine balance a tray full of heavy, hot, dripping candles on her face? Simple. David Copperfield is hovering beside her, lending her a magical helping-hand.
I guarantee Monica Lewinsky would envy that swaddled lady in Coeur de Rubis. No matter how cum-buckety her dress gets, the flaky crust with all its incriminating DNA will forever be lost in those folds.
Dude. Re: the Feehan cover—I cannot believe I haven’t taken five minutes out of my life to scan the original 1977 before-she-got-popular-and-went-kinda-loopy paperback cover of Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire. It makes this cover look like a damn Vermeer.
Looking back at Emma Holly’s cover – that thing in the upper left-hand corner looks disturbingly like Godzilla coming out from behind the bridge to stomp all over Bavaria.
OK, the undead guy in the second cover has got to be the Master from Manos: The Hands of Fate (accompanied by one of his many wives). Torgo’s just offscreen, I’m telling you!
OK, Christinuviel, you win.
(I haven’t watched the movie version of Manos—I instead caught the stage adaptation by Portland’s own LastRites productions. That’s right: bad movies adapted for the stage. Wacky funtimes.)
Arrived late, power out for 6 days. My first impression of the Feehan cover was along the lines of tortureand the Spanish Inquistition…certainly not romance.