Sarah says: “Can we just talk about the fact that this series is called ‘Paranormal Mates Society,’ or ‘PMS?’ What, are they ASKING me to be bitchy?”
Sarah: Yup. He’s horny.
Candy: Y’know, looking at how wispy and thin his hair is, and how very much like a comb-over the style looks, I think he qualifies as the first person I’ve seen who’s tried to use horns to minimize his bald spot.
Also, dig that gorgeous hairy cleavage. It’s like somebody had glued a big old hairy ass on his chest.
Sarah: Would you look at those man-titties? Thank God they spare my retinas by not coming into view all at once, but even the part we can see is just incredible.
If this guy is a were-something, and I’m guessing by the big moon in the sky that he is, and if the light of the full moon has to touch him to make his freak out get its freak on, does the shadow of his man-breasts keep his entire lower body from doing their freaky thing? Because that would be some real horror.
Candy: Did you know that commercially-raised turkeys need to be artificially inseminated because their gigantic breasts prevent the males from mounting the females properly?
Isn’t that sad?
And isn’t it weird that somebody chose to write a book about a were-turkey? Or at least, create a cover featuring a were-turkey.
Sarah: Heroine: “You’re a werewolf? What’s your name?”
Hero: “Strabismus.”
Heroine: “You’re awfully hairy, Strabismus. I can see your fur, I mean, chest hair, through your shirt.”
Hero: “Yeah. When I wear my chain mail suit for the Medieval Times 6pm show, it gets caught in the links and pulls.”
Heroine: “Poor baby. Just wait here while I get some wax, I mean, some snacks.”
Candy: Sarah, the heroine wouldn’t need to go get any wax—all she’d have to do is break off an expendable chunk of the hero and melt it over a low flame.
I mean, seriously, that glazed sheen belongs in Madame Tussauds.
Sarah: Fake breasts? Check.
Dollar-store hair extensions? Check.
Dead-eyed stare? Check.
Yet again the Poser Art Department has proved that they do not have a grasp on what women want in a visual hero, but they have easily met the fantasy needs of basement-dwelling chicken-chokin’ monkey-spankers.
Candy: She’s not bad looking for a lurching zombie, though she really needs to find a manicurist who’s not so hot to trot on the bad press-on nails, and maybe stop gluing acrylic yarn to her head. But then, how much can you expect from a lurching zombie?
YEAH, they’re back….
Missed them…
Sam
I feel so special! My cover’s been snarked! Ahh, Bitches, nobody does it better…
The guy in Werewolves in London looks like one of two things:
1. the guy who didn’t get the part of Spock or
2. the guy who didn’t get the part of Fred Munster of the Munsters
Dear Lord on a biscuit, y’all are gonna owe me some physical therapy bills after that. I’m sure I pulled something internal. Twice.
Is it just me, or does #3 look like the photo-frame taken immediately after someone hit him in the face with a frying pan, causing him to release copious Savage Thunder into one of those perma-tucked shirts in surprise? Cause I look at that face and I can still hear the pan ringing.
Is it just me or are her boobs way too far apart? I mean, it totally looks like there should be a third one in there. Ohhh I get it, she’s an alien whose had to remove her third breast in order to blend in…got it.
And as soon as I hit our fair lady of the night, there at the end, the words “Crack Whore…OF DOOM!” came spraying out of my hysteria-distorted lips.
Scared the cats on that one, I did.
After looking at turkey-tits for a while, I realized he doesn’t have any nipples … or does he? Perhaps he has saggy man-boobs and his nipples are somewhere down around his navel?
eggs (shuddering).
must not use coffee to wash my computer monitor…good lordy—I have got to learn to not drink & read the cover snark—it’s not a pretty sight.
“Also, dig that gorgeous hairy cleavage. It’s like somebody had glued a big old hairy ass on his chest. “
Bwahhhaaa!
The Were-turkey of doom! Waaaay too much white meat!
My first thought when I saw Werewolves of London guy was that he looks a bit like Denny from Grey’s Anatomy… After he died.
Damn, I’m still scarred from that episode.
Observation the First: From the title of the book, I’m guessing that the guy on Cover #2 is a vampire, not a were-critter.
Observation the Second: It doesn’t matter if he’s a vampire, he still looks like a dime-store hoodlum from 1955.
The Werewolf of London has a very matronly bosom, wonder what type of foundation garment he uses.
What Not To Wear is cringing…the girls are in desperate need of help. The scary person in red needs an emergency fitting for a foundation garment.
Damn, if I’d only known all I needed to be a Fury was a Raggedy Ann wig, some Lee Press-On nails and a vinyl bustier, I woulda been so set for Halloween this year cos I got all that stuff sittin’ around.
Y’know. For other reasons.
Hey, I got snarked. And you know, I ain’t gonna do a single thing about it. Why? Oh, I’d never diss my own cover…
“basement-dwelling chicken-chokin’ monkey-spankers”
Oh man did I laugh!
Have you ever tried cleaning a keyboard off a wad of partially masticated peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich? It’s hard work, people.
Are there, really, basement-dwelling chicken-chokin’ monkey-spankers? Please say it ain’t so!
But the images…arghhh! My eyes! My eyes!
There really needs to be a no food/drink warning with this. I know we should have learned by now.
#1 Look, he has handles The problem is no woman in her right mind would get near him. Oh well, maybe the Crack Ho from Doom #4 would, for the right price.
#2 The picture says enough.
#3 Subtitled The man who enjoys a cattle prod to the butt. Surprise!
#4 See #1.
Note to self: Do not have a cup of Cup-A-Soup while returning to this site after a holiday. Really. I think I burnt my throat trying to keep the soup away from my monitor!
This week the guys have bigger tits than the girl!
Guy on the number 2 cover looks like he’s stroking out…
I have to second everyone else about the No food or drink rule. Starbucks thru the nose? Not good.
The Crack Whore of Doom, has snakes for hair, I believe. Now that is a logistics problem I have yet to see tackled. Very interesting to see how they would react to the emergence of the fabled Trouser Snake?
Thanks ladies for brightening up my morning. And frying my eyeballs.
Sadly, there are. Haven’t you seen that episode of South Park where Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny play World of Warcraft and become these fat, disgusting, zit-riddled land monsters? Or been to an anime/Star Trek/Star Wars convention?
They are real; you just have to look.
Oh, and the Lady with the Red Dreadlocks—I think I have a college class with her.
Is it just me or are her boobs way too far apart? I mean, it totally looks like there should be a third one in there.
Yeah, I hate to agree with snarkage on my own cover, but yes. Way the heck too far apart. However, it was either that or the huge Dolly Parton balloon tits, so I had to make a call. I believe the saggage is a normal result of massive boob-implant removals… must ask Pam Anderson next time I see her…
Laughing my ass off! Especially at “This week the guys have bigger tits than the girl!”
Oh, how I wish that I could read this blog from work. Instead, I eek out a bit of time late at night when it is quiet to catch up on the latest here.
Now, about those covers….
The horns didn’t bother me as much as the fact that the man has stringy hair and a chest that looks like an over-inflated blow-up doll.
Wereturkey! I love it. At first I thought the problem was just the fact that his eyes are completely unfocused, but it is more than that. He’s just completely goofy looking. No one would take that werewolf seriously!
And Fury’s boobs look like they are going to fall off her chest. You are correct—she’s a poser.
I thought that I should never see
Such proudly plumped-up man titty;
A-swell’d with pride it bursts his vest,
A paranormal turkey breast;
A dude who waxes fresh each day,
Adheres his shirt with latex spray;
A man with wild-eyed zombie stare,
A chest that creeps with tufty hair;
These bosoms heave with skills arcane
What feats growth hormone doth obtain.
Foam fills bras for pears like me;
Steel underwire hoists man-titty.
Ohh, poor Mr. Turkey man, too top heavy to mount his mate.
So really, does someone have the job of collecting the turkey “juice” from the top heavy males? Now we know the true origins of the turkey baster.
“So really, does someone have the job of collecting the turkey “juice” from
the top heavy males? Now we know the true origins of the turkey baster.”
Eww.
That’s all I gotta say about that.
EAP, yet again, thou art brilliant!!!
All together now:
“You! In the art department! Set the Poser down, back away slowly, and no one will get hurt!”
Candy and Sarah,
Thought you might like this. The artist manipulated covers, and they are hilarious.
http://theartistdarklady.deviantart.com/gallery/
I see Changeling are still the go-to guys for shockingly bad book covers. Sheesh.
Oh…and finally, someone mentioned the PMS thing! Do you know how long it took to come up with a title matching that acronym? We all thought it was so obvious we didn’t need to mention it, and people would laugh at it…but no one did. So we cried. Buckets.
Waaah.