I did the mother of all decluttering cleanups in my house this morning, which consisted of relocating a LOT of books and digging papers out of various locations where I’d stashed them. One paper was an article I’d meant to link to from the New Jersey paper, the Star-Ledger, back on March 26, 2006: a tongue-in-cheek guide to avoiding bad purchases at the bookstore – Don’t Read This Book! by Charles Taylor. (Candy interjects at this point to shriek in horror at the idea of somebody not loving The Lord of the Flies and Catcher in the Rye, but the dude has a point about books labeled as “in the tradition of…” or “This generation’s…”)
So…what would the Don’t But This Book list for romance look like?
“In the tradition of Cassie Edwards…”
Any book with the word “Savage,” “Desire,” or “Loins” in the title.
Also, any book about a brown-skinned savage’s desire for the loins of a white beauty.
Any blurb containing the word “heartstrings” or “heartwarming.”
Any book with a baby on the cover—and this goes double if the baby has “Who’s Your Daddy?” written on its ass.
If the book promises a “secret that may destroy their love,” you can pretty much bet that it’ll also make you want to destroy the book.
…especially if the secret is a baby.
Does the book feature an amnesiac bride, or an amnesiac anything? Forget about it. (Yeah, yeah, whatever, it’s Monday, dammit, and I’m taking what I can get.)
If the woman’s virginity is prominent enough that it deserves a spot in the title, you’d almost definitely want to leave the book as unsullied as her virtue.
Any book that promises you a glimpse into the exciting, high-stakes world of finance, because it’ll be yet another goddamn book about another goddamn tycoon seducing his goddamn secretary so she’ll be his goddamn boardroom mistress. Either that, or he seduces his enemy’s ingenue of a daughter in retaliation for hurts past, both real and imagined.
Any romance featuring revenge as a major theme, for that matter.
Any romance featuring a sheikh. Or more than one sheikh.
…Double that if the Sheikh is also a boardroom tycoon.
Any romance whose cover makes you feel underwhelmed with your own breasts because the male cover model’s are better looking than yours.
If there’s a blurb that asks the obvious question, such as “Will they have a happily ever after?” Run away. Run far away.
“Any book where they use gold fish for sex toys.”
I see that someone else has lived through the horror that was “Lace.” I got a hold of that book somehow when I was ten. Why? Why??
Ohhh…I really want to read that book Nora is writing! I was laughing so hard at work – people were staring…
I hate amnesia books so bad. I don’t think I’ve ever read one that is believable.
Emily mentioned books where the heroine “must be saved by the hero who winds up respecting her anyhow for being some kind of Sherlockean-superwoman who possesses brilliant mental faculties and a “feisty†and untameable spirit.
Which—she isn’t, and she doesn’t.”
You hit the nail on the head! I cannot stand “feisty” heroines—particularly if they are redheads. I have nothing against red hair (in fact, I always wished I had red hair, not brown), but having red hair does not mean that your narrator can call you feisty, and you don’t have to do a thing to support that lable. *shudders* Also, having a “sassy” name, like Ginger, does not make you feisty. Even if you have red hair.
I also must add mention of the sweet, round-eyed, adorable children whom you just want to hug and hug until there is no more air left in their lungs. Usually they are the herione’s daughter/ hero’s nephew/ hero’s son from tragical first wife, or something like that, and it is through this child (or, heaven forbid, children) that the hero and heroine come together. And I feel bad, hating them, because they are just kids, and they go around saying innocent things like “Lord So-and-So, what is a ‘masterful stare’? Because Mummy says you have one! I think she likes you!”
*clicks tongue*
According to this, I can’t shop at my local bookstore anymore.
Damn low publishing standards.
Nothing with “family saga”, “spanning generations”, or “daughter, mother, grandmother”
Re: feisty
Agreed- that’s a horribly overused term. I hate it when authors use “feisty” when they actually mean “acute ADHD.” Even people who suffer from ADHD can display more presence of mind than feisty romance heroines.
I heartily co-sign on feisty. Why is it that a feisty heroine acts like she’s stopped taking her meds or lowered the dosage without consulting a physician or simple logic?
It just doesn’t track that you’re out seducing a slimy screen writer one second and screaching about wire hangers the next… wait, that may be the wrong kind of feisty.
First person. Very few authors do it well, and after a couple dozen “I’s” on a page “I” heave it out in the yard.
Also pass on anything Cleopatra. Gags me when authors use real hisorical people what were major EVIL and attempt to remake them all nicey and misunderstood.
Ahh…I’ve heard of that goldfish.
Anything described as “wacky” truly terrifies me. I hear demonic little clown chuckles and the pitter-patter of the office prankster as he scuttles about with some horrible bright plastic thing that makes a fart noise.
When it’s teamed up with the other four horseman of the a-cropper-lypse, “fun-filled”, “rollicking”, and “romp,” I just want to hide somewhere very small and dark until they go away.
Oh. And anything where the only blurb is by Harriet Klausner. It just makes me think, “Um… only that one???”
You should avoid a book when the cover shows a hairy naked man with matted chest hair sitting spread eagle with a plate of salmon rolls on his crotch. Amazingly, such a book exists:
http://www.sashawhite.net/losingit_two.php
Actually, if you look again, the guy is standing at the counter, the plate is on the counter. Not in his lap. LOL
Although I thought the same thing when I first saw it. *cringe* I even asked for it to be changed, but the publisher liked it the way it was, and refused.
It’s a shame you’re passing up a good story for something the author, (that would be me) had no control over. Especially if you follow the review links and see that the story itself was very well recieved.
Any book where they use gold fish for sex toys.
OMG! is this actually a book? lol I’m glad I missed this one.
As much as I hate Shieks and secret Baby’s… I think if Nora writere sthe Shiek story, I might have to pick it up .
I must second (third?) the half-breed stories and the secret baby stories. There are exceptions, but they are very few. I also agree that I am done with the woman who discovers her whole life is a sham and must rebuild withouther husband and money and whatever else stories. However I must stick up for some of the used to be married stories. There have definitely been some bad ones, but overall I like these. I find it much easier to believe people will fall in love in a week if they already knew each other.
Anything with the word “spitfire.”
spitfire
Unless, of course, an editor developed a brain cloud and accidentally allowed a WWII-era romance be published. Then I’m all over it.
I was just in the bookstore and saw a title that reminded me of another won’t buy – anything with the word slave paired with a word such as passion, love, or desire.