We asked the Bitchery for horrid versions of international translations of American romance. My, oh, my, did you oblige!
So we present the first installment of International Cover Snark.
Sarah: Heroine: I see zat we are on zee book by zee Jane Feather. What clever use of zee props! Do you sink zat your leetle feather is as big as thees feather I have? Hmm?
Hero: Zut! I do not know! But my reflection in zat mirror, eet does not match zee face that is me! In zee mirror, I have zee Hitler moustache. Here, I have zee mullet and zee face of zee Jet Li with extra chin!
Heroine: Yes, but what of zee feather? Zee feather!
Candy: Funny, the title translates as “Gaming Debt,” but the cover translates as “Anal Tickle Fetish Whorehouse.”
Sarah: Gosh, that cover looks familiar. Hm. Have we discussed this cover before? I do believe we have! I wonder if Jane Feather and Johanna Lindsey are going to have a battle royale for rights to that hunkadunka man-titty-unka, or maybe, better yet, for the opportunity to pose in that dress?
Guess when Gentle Rogue got a new cover, that fine illustration needed to move house. Either way, this kind of recycling puts a whole new spin on conservationism.
Candy: Oh, it makes me sad that international printing presses couldn’t come up with hideousness on their own, but must resort to recycled man-titty. (Though given the amount of plastic in some of those models, I suppose recycling would be the socially conscious thing to do….) It’d be something else if they decided to use the cover from the US edition, but to stick that particular Johanna Lindsey cover on a Jane Feather book? Fer shame. Somebody there must not like Jane Feather very much.
Sarah: That’s a lot of purple, with a lot of use of the very wide brush tool in Photoshop.
Before I mention his very, ahem, lavender outfit, I want to ask, does she need medical attention? She’s losing some fingers, it seems. Perhaps she is melting due to his Kusse in her nacht?
Candy: She thinks he’s leaning in for a kiss, but really, he’s just trying to figure out what shade blush she has on so he can use it for his next show at Darcelle’s.
Sarah: It is a real shame I could not find a larger image of this cover, because the German release of Flowers in the Storm is messed up on a legendary level. I know the hero suffers a stroke and has a great deal of rehabilitation to go through in the story, but does it have to involve dressing up like Robin Hood? Does that imply he has merry men?
Candy: Dammit, people need to stop taking fashion cues from this fella here.
Gah! As soon as I saw you mention Peter Pan I knew you were going to link to Pixie Peter!
LOL on the anal feather tickle fetish.
Damn you, Smart Bitches! You made me click on that link. I had no choice, it was right THERE, just as you intended. Now I can’t live, can’t possibly go on, unless I have my very own 52-year-old Peter Pixie to pose and dance around my house.
But I don’t want The Blue Prince. My eyes are seared from the intensity that is he. I may never recover.
Does he come in an action figure?
Am I the only one who looked on the title of that Johanna-to-Jane cover and figured the title should translate as “In Enema Territory?” Just sayin’…. 🙂
That PP site is seriously scary.
The horrifying thing is, I once had a haircut exactly like Peter Pixie’s. There was this curling iron that I had to warm up every morning, so that I could flip the ends under before I went off to school.
[Shudders.]
I blame a figure skater, last name of Hamill.
Is Flowers in the Storm just so good that artists get jealous and try to fuck it up? Is it a plot by other authors, one that has reached the international level??
Check out Pirate Fabio’s seriously displaced nipples. I know he’s gripping that rope awfully hard, but it still looks all crooked. And I like the little tiny bit of white from his shirt poking through the bottom of his belt. He’s a retard who can neither button his shirt nor tuck it into his actual pants. Sigh. So much titty… so little sense.
I don’t know what’s worse…the fact that after I clicked on the link, I just couldn’t leave until I had checked out all of Peter Pixie’s outfits….or that I kept thinking “Damn, he’s got some nice legs!” I am a sick, sick woman.
Elvis Lives!!!!!
I knew it was all a publicity ploy! There he is, on the cover of Dette De Jeu, about to break into a rousing refrain of Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love.
And who knew he had the hots for Jane Seymour?
What’s the translation for the title of the last one? Obiviusly they changed it. Also, that link is evil, evil, evil! I am now scarred for life. You mean people.
Why, oh why, did I click on that link?? My eyes!! It was like a car wreck; horrible, but I couldn’t look away. WTF? It must be nice to be so far removed from reality. I’m a nurse and stare reality in the face for a living. But my clothes aren’t nearly as cute.
I should not have a sip of coffee just before clicking that link
I should not have a sip of coffee just before clicking that link
I should not have a sip of coffee just before clicking that link
I should not have a sip of coffee just before clicking that link
I should not have a sip of coffee just before clicking that link
OMG – this is one of the funniest sites I’ve been to.
thank you so much for the giggles…
I love how you point out the picture flaws on Dette de Jeu – one I couldn’t miss was the lack of abs in the mirror…I am a realist, I know mirrors distort the way we look -but COME ON PEOPLE!!! How could you screw up so badly, unless of course, the faulty mirror image was part of the plot………hmmmm……….
I had almost blocked Peter Pan’s site from my memory.
You people post the scariest links.
Oh, eeeeeeeevil Bitches. You are bad. You are very bad.
I really could have done without seeing those covers, let me tell you. My love of all things purple may be a thing of the past after that tear-shedding lavender monstrousity.
And Cover #1, the anal tickler dealio—oh my. It looks like he’s dry-humping her nape. “Ooooohhhhh baby, I’m so glad you used the Pantene so that your hair is silky soft and manageable. You’re ‘bout to get some special pomade in about 2.2 here.”
Is it just me, or does Robin Hood look like he’s bored with his woman? He looks like he’s thinking, “Damn, Friar Tuck is waiting for me and he’s bringing the lube this time. When is this wedding dress wearin’, ebony-locked skank leaving???”
And Fabio, Pirate Titte the Terrifying of the Buttsecks Band of Buff Brigands, methinks you need to unhook your mainmast from her flame red rigging and row yer boat for higher ground. There’s a storm blowing in, you perctorally-enhanced freak! Also, your cover lady-o-the-moment’s breastesses look a little…odd, almost like they are suffering from Le Droop. Aaaaaaargh, pass the rum and hoist the sails!
The translation is “Triumph of the heart”, roughly. Although neither of them looks particularly triumphant. They look rather…bored, actually. Well, he looks bored, she looks desperate for air. Wonder how tight her corset is?
And did anyone else notice the Fabio cover chick in the storm had her make-up toned down for the French version? I guess the classically restrained French would never have bought the book if the cover model falling out of her dress like that was painted up like a whore. She must have tasteful makeup to fall out of her dress on the high seas like that!
What is funny, or maybe just scary, was that I’d found Peter Pixie’s site on my own a long while back … and I have it bookmarked. But only because I keep meaning to send the link over to a friend of mine. Really!
Sorry, that translation should read “heats”, plural. My bad. It’s been a few years since last I conjugated auf Deutsche. 😆
I will say something cleaver and witty once i can get up of the floor from laughing my ass off.
I can’t breath someone help me.
Passes out with the image of peter pan in my mind. (which is quite scary actually.)
For once, the bitches are way behind the curve on Peter Pan. He was on the Letterman show or some shit, like years ago. That’s how I heard of him.
That pirate cover looks like the dude is appear to harpoon her, though.
PS – yes, the dude has amazing legs and he really does not look that old. I think maybe dressing up like Peter Pixie keeps him young.
PPS – Did ya’ll find his ISO Tinkerbell page? He’s looking for love in all the wrong places.
Not this bitch! I found out about Pixyland Peter Pan back in 2001, when I was a regular of the Something Awful forums and somebody posted a link.
. . . I don’t know why I felt obliged to defend my Interweb cred. Oh God, is there no end to my dorkiness? *headdesk*
Candy, you made me LOL. Thank God you set me straight. I was crushed, believing you somehow hadn’t heard about His Pixieness before now. Was wondering how I could possibly trust you as the ultimate go-to source for all the latest gossip and hotness. But my faith is renewed. I’m born again! And stuff.
That poor man in Triumph of the Heart is one valiant soul. He looks rather crinkly around the rib cage and has a noticeably sagging left titty. I’m afraid some fraulein pummeled him—but, undaunted, he continues to seduce. What a mensch.
“Enemy Territory”—yeah, I’d say so. Where women lift their skirts for the express purpose of farting on their rescuers to prove how not in need of rescue they are. I’d say that’s carrying feminism a bit too far.
Dette de Jeu dude is cumming in her hair. Bet on it. It’s probably payback for the guy in Enemy Territory.
The cover for
was actually shot at a county fair’s cotton candy wagon. The artist just filled in the carnies’ missing teeth.
(Hey, I’m on a roll. Stopped at my favorite resale shop today, where both ancient and modern romances were on sale for ten cents apiece. So there I am, laughing to myself, while matrons are grabbing them up. Shame on me.)
That was “the cover for Kiss in the Night”. I don’t know what freakin’ key I pushed.
Sarah or Candy:
Please forward your copy of Anal Tickle Fetish Whorehouse to me as I am unable to find this on Amazon. Enclosed, please find $40 to cover all expenses, plus a large hand of ginger to substitute for the novel’s amusement value.
As for Ennemi, I’m surprised neither of you noticed Fabio’s wall-eyed nipples. Good thing men don’t lactate or Fabio’s baby might grow up with some serious psychological problems.
BTW, I’m talking about docs jonesing for their patients over at my place today. You two . . . I don’t know what to do with you. You never call, you never write.
🙂
Aw, let’s give the cover recyclers a break. It’s bloody expensive to commission original art, and the foreign-language markets don’t have the same fan base that English does.
(I’m not saying don’t laugh at the art in the first place. It’s just that I know darned well what it costs to commission original art, and how tight the foreign markets are.)
—E: HOW much does it cost to commission original art? Ballpark? For a painted cover like the Fabio one? Just curious, coz I got me some artist friends I’d like to lowball…. 😉
Hey, this is not the first time I’ve surfed by the Peter Pan site. Just can’t remember when I visited or how I got there. Must of been one of those lost weekends…..
I would think this is a given, regardless of wall-eyed nipples.
Has anybody noticed the magical pot belly in the mirror in Dette De Jeu??
Is he anorexic? Is this representing the fact that he sees himself as much uglier than he already is??
My God… I would be EMBARRASSED to pick up any of these books in public. I need fake slip covers, so I can read these books on the bus, etc….
The first cover is the most messed up I’ve seen (and I’ve seen the romance novel covers for stories about secret babies, pregnant women searching for the father of their misbegotten spawn, and obnoxious children who try to bring a couple together) because of all the inconsistencies, from the wannabe Bowzer (from “Sha-Na-Na”) and his Hitler/Charlie Chaplin mustache in the mirror to the aforementioned pot belly to the woman’s hair changing from brown to red.
Both this and the second one (which was recycled from another cover) proves that originality is dying a slow and painful death.
Looking again at the first cover, her breasts reflected in the mirror are WAY bigger than the “real ones” in her profile.
Ok, wanted to share: I had clicked on the links in this post, first to the Lindsey version of the Fabio cover and then to the link about the infamous half-shaven goat man cover. I laughed at the speculations as to how they got into that terrible position.
Well, I was just in the hallway sorting laundry, on my knees, when my husband walked up behind me and grabbed my shoulders. I bust out laughing because – voila! – we were in that position! However, I am wearing slacks, he is fully clothed (and certainly not half-shaven), and neither of us is standing in the middle of a field with a thunderstorm approaching – but we did prove at least one legitimate reason for folks to assume such a pose.
Now if only I could achieve my O-face while doing laundry I’d be much more keen about doing housework – maybe even enough to make the Forbes asshats happy!
Sarah, that’s because she’s afflicted with crooked-tit. Clearly, her right boob is twelve times the size of her left one. And yeah, Mr. Hitler ‘Stash/Pompador Mullet (oh dear God the horror of that combo) is totally humpa humpin’ her neck. Well, she did say that a pearl necklace would perfectly compliment that dress…
And ITA, chiquita in the Enema Territories is totally farting. See how their hair is blowing in the wind… in opposite directions?? She farted so hard, she blew Fabio’s nip halfway up his chest. Even that wave is running away. “Dude, I was totally about to capsize you, but the fuck, man. Even waves can’t withstand that stench.” Fabs is staring at her breasteses so intently not because she’s about to experience a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction, but because he’s looking for the freakin’ dead skunk.
Kusse in der Nacht… first of all, that just sounds dirty. Second, it apparently makes people turn very, very red. Beware the Kusse in der Nacht! It will make your cheeks glow incandescent and melt off!
And the Peter Pan Flowers cover is just so, so very wrong. It looks like he has indeed had a stroke, and is just managing to stand while half his body droops. And he’s only able to stay upright while holding the bizarre mannequin that he found out in the middle of the… incredibly garish forest. Perhaps he has wandered into Plastic World, where faux flowers bloom and neon greenery grows in lush abandon?
(… In Lush Abandon. Now there’s a romance novel title.)
I know that NO ONE is looking at this comment thread anymore, but I feel the urge to inform y’all, for posterity, that the cover for “Kusse in der Nacht” is also a recycled cover. My mother has the American iteration, “Castle of.. Something,” part of a duo of “Castle of… Something” novels. Castle of Dreams, Maybe? I don’t remnember the author’s name, unfortunately.