The covers adorning the books of Rebecca Brandewyne, they make me want to burst like a ripe melon. And no, I won’t ever get over the humor of that phrase. Her covers are like her old-school romances: lush, over-the-top, and a lot of fun in their retro way. It’s actually a shame to me that a lot of them are being re-issued because the re-issue covers are just gorgeous, with a lot of modern sensibility factored into the design.
But thanks to Google and old copies from used book stores, we get to gaze at the magenta glory that is retro Brandewyne.
Sarah “But sir! We cannot make the love right now! The boat is sinking! We’re inches from the water’s surface! And you look like Chevy Chase!”
Candy: Make no mistake: the ship’s sinking and she’s trying to make a run for the lifeboat, but he’s all “No, women and children first—and on this here ship, trannies don’t count as women.”
On a side note: What the hell is that thing swimming/flying by the side of the ship? I mean, I’ve heard of parrotfish, but they don’t literally look like parrots who swim.
Sarah: Now this is an innovative romance cover. Trapeze artists! His frilly shirt and wide belt, her short costume with much leg exposed, and all the ropes and harnesses needed to keep them balanced on the tightrope of love. Now don’t go telling me they’re somewhere perched in the mid-rigging of a ship’s mast. There’s no way she’d climb the mast in that skirt.
Candy: Sure, sure, it’s all fun and games until she smacks her head against the mizzenmast and develops a subdural hematoma on the frontal lobe, and then she sues Hottie McPants there for medical expenses plus pain and suffering and also the rigging company for not having the appropriate warning stickers on the masts, and then it’s YET ANOTHER FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT BRINGING THE ROBUST AMERICAN ECONOMY TO ITS KNEES, ITS KNEES, I TELLS YE.
Sarah: I showed this cover to Hubby: “Is she a midget? Or is he getting a really bad blowjob?”
Candy: For somebody about to engage in hot hot midget fetish sex, the two of them sure look bored. “Ho-hum. Another day of getting fucked up the ass by a diminutive woman wearing a strap-on. Suh-nore.”
Sarah: This might be the most campy cover ever: check out the bling he’s wearing! The sexy metal armband! And her headband! And the fact that her hair is growing out of the back of her neck and the sides of her face! He’s not even touching her except for the top of her leg – he might even be pushing her hairy ass away from him.
“No, Madame. I can see down your dress. And I see the wooly pelt on your chest.”
Candy: C’mon everybuddy! Sing along now:
Wootay I’m tattooed and barred up
Medallion iced up, Rolex bezelled up
And my pinky ring is platinum plus
Earrings be trillion cut
And my grill be slugged up
…
Bling bling
Everytime I come around yo city
Bling bling
Pinky ring worth about fifty
Bling bling
Everytime I buy a new ride
Bling bling
Lorinsers on Yokohama tires
Bling bling
Maybe midget girl is sheathing the outlaw’s rigid member between her lush bosoms so that he can erupt savagely and spurt his seed against her melons.
Then again, he has that “I just farted” look of satisfaction.
And she has that “He just farted” look of dismay.
As I see it, the scene fell out something like this: (Cue Wayne and Garth doo-doo-doo dream sequence soundtrack)
“Honeypot, I am tellin’ ya, that possum ya served fer supper, while gamy an’ juicy, was startin’ t’turn…”
“Lawks, how dare ya criticize m’cookin’, ya overgrown excuse for a mountain goat!”
“I’m not japin’, Missus. Git ‘er down here an’ take a listen to m’gullet. I thinks ya should fetch up Old Witchy Budkins to make me a posset…I thinks I’m gonna spew an’ not in a good way…”
“I hate you! Mama was right, I shoulda married Marty Spokes! I coulda been Someday in this town, he’s the Undertaker ya know an’ he makes a powerful good livin’. Why did I marry ya cuz of them tight britches, oh woe an’ calamity…”
Ms. Brandewyne just won a major settlement against her ex and a vanity press for slander. And her books are getting reissued.
I hope she reads this week’s cover snark and laughs all the way to the bank.
Um . . . they’re at sea. On a “moon-dark moor”?
Maybe she means “moor” as in, you know, Othello? In which case, go Becky!
/ Parrotfish—har!
I love those old-style covers! I even blogged about them not too long ago-it is a shame that they’re reissuing with new-style covers, because I always thought those lurid clinch covers were part of the fun.
But then, I’m kind of wierd.
My favorite part of her books was the author photo on the back- Ms. Brandywine has super long hair and she always arranged her pose like the heroine on the cover.
Looks to me like the heroine on the cover of No Gentle Love is keeping her balance by grabbing hold of the hero’s spar, if you get my meaning.
However, she seems to regard it as a little icky, and thus is using her skirt to protect her hand. Or maybe his loins are burning and she’s using her skirt like a potholder?
I think the Outlaw Heart gal is checking out Buckskin Boy for deer ticks. The little devils are reallly tiny, but Lyme disease can put a serious crimp in one’s love life.
Am I the only one who saw the “Passion Moon Rising” cover and freaked out at the mental image of Lando Calrissian and David Bowie in Labyrinth gettin’ it on?
(Argh, my eyes!)
First cover: The guy does not look like Chevy Chase. He looks like Andy Kaufman (but both of them have been on Saturday Night Live in the 1970s, so it’s not like they have nothing in common). The thing swimming/flying is a seagull, which is funny because there’s this episode of The Simpsons where Homer, Bart, Flanders (the geeky neighbor who’s religious), and one of Flanders’ kids are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean and a seagull flies out over the raft. Flanders says, “Seagulls stay near land. They only go out to sea to die!” and then the bird falls dead into the ocean.
Second cover:
Sure there is—he carries her. Of course, that also raises the question on how he can do that without falling over.
Third cover: The girl has that, “Oh my God! I’m pregnant!” look on her face. Or more specifically, “Oh, shit. I forgot to take the pill.”
Fourth Cover: The cover models are blind, plain and simple. They look like they’re gonna kiss, but because they can’t see, they’re gonna miss and possibly injure themselves.
Show some respect. These are groundbreakers.
Not many people know this. THE OUTLAW HEARTS was actually the first romance novel featuring a shape-shifting hero. Notice the porcupine quills on his outer legs. Now don’t give me any guff about a swoony heroine if she has the gonads to bed THAT.
PASSION MOON RISING…well, not many people know this, either. It was the first romance novel featuring a heroine with a cotton-candy-wagon fetish. “Gimme some head, bitch. But dive into that pot of heated spun sugar, first.” “Oh yeah, Lance baby. I was hoping you’d say that.”
When all is said and done—and I suspect it isn’t—these covers sure do beat those freaky pimp-my-body posers…by 2001 Space Odyssey-colored light years. I mean, actual artists were employed! Gotta give credit where credit is due.
One of my friends, who shall go nameless here, as to incur no wrath, once referred to Ms. Brandwyne as The Figurehead. You know, those huge busts of huge women they used to mount on the prows of ships? Since I heard that, I cannot look at her author photo nor even hear/read her name without getting that mental image!!
I think she looks like a country and western singer.
To me, the heroine on the last cover (Passion Moon Rising) looks like Cher with white hair. The guy looks like a Bollywood actor Sunil Shetty:
http://www.bollywhat.com/Biographies/sunil_bio.html
Two words to describe the first cover, Upon a Moon-Dark Moor: “Onion Breath!!”
Am I the only one dying to see all of the author photos for the backs of these now? I have to admire anyone with that kind of chutzpah and/or self-deprecating humor.
Also, “Hottie McPants”? gonna be the nickname of my next SO.
And Jaci, you’re right. You just don’t see many “notary’s neckties” on romance covers.
Third cover: The girl has that, “Oh my God! I’m pregnant!†look on her face.
No, I think that look is more, “Oh my God! HE’S pregnant!” He’s concentrating really hard, just like an expectant mother… er… well, an expectant person, does when trying to figure out if that’s the baby kicking or maybe just a gas bubble. And she’s thinking how ironic it is that she’s actually praying her man has gas. The Outlaw Hearts, my cellulite-free buttocks. The Outlaw FARTS, maybe.
And on No Gentla Love, she is totally grabbing a fistful of Big Jim and the Twins. Apparently the neck-sniff really makes her hot, or perhaps she read that Musashi book and just had to punch a crotch.
Is she checking to see if the mutant baby kicks?
cotton-candy-wagon fetish
I am an innocent among jades. Please excuse the modest blush on virginal cheeks (ha!) and explain this euphamism to me…..
I’m thinking it just means that cotton candy machines make her hot …
No Gentle Love looks like Bruce Campbell is fighting an internal Candarian demon. And he is not sure if part of him wants to lurve her, or push her off of the boat. See how that one hand is predominantly centered on the page?
No Gentle Love is a hand job gone horribly wrong. He is telling her to grip tight, then her throws her off of the mid-rigging into the ocean.
The Outlaw Farts, I mean Hearts – Is that DeSalvo? He is wondering how to turn his ‘doll’ back on. I think her battery is dead.
Passion Moon Rising – So much is going on in this cover it is like Bloomberg. And it looks like to me, he just stabbed her.
There is a friggin’ in the riggin’ scene in one romance novel. Actually it was pretty good, and the book was about pirates, so that made it even better.
I have to ask.
When you say “The Lush Covers of Rebecca Brandewyne,” do you mean this?
lush n.
A drunkard.
lush intr.v. lushed, lush·ing, lush·es
To drink liquor to excess.
Cos I have to say, it looks like the cover artists might’ve been tippling.
No Gentle Love is a hand job gone horribly wrong.
Ahahahahahaha! “Darling, when I asked you to jerk me off, I didn’t mean to jerk
IT
off!!!”