I was flipping through my new used copy of Rebecca Brandewyne’s Desire in Disguise and on page 15 I came across the following passage:
Almost simultaneously Noir felt himself burst like a ripe melon within her, spilling his seed.
Excuse me? A RIPE MELON? Well, it’s sticky. And there are seeds. So maybe it’s not that far off in some ways, but still, burst like a ripe melon? That’s kind of gross, like his turgid member split open and ew ew ew.
That might be among the most bizarre descriptions of orgasm I’ve ever read. Now, we’ve talked about bad sex scenes before, and E. D’Trix was even kind enough to tell us all about the love scenes that invoke salmon swimming upstream.
So let’s talk orgasm specifically. What terms and descriptions did you like, and which were just absolutely howling awful?
And, as an aside, how come all the romance heroes and heroines have to orgasm simultaneously? I mean, come ON now, people.
But you’ll have to excuse me – I have to go. I’m craving a slice of cantelope.
SB Sarah – I’ve had that cantaloupe analogy in my brain ALL FREAKING DAY. It is teh e-ville!
I’m starting to get a little worried it’s going to pop into my brain at just the wrong time and ruin an otherwise blissful moment.
Just before bed last night I got to the scene where they do it for the first time and she pukes. That was awesome!
Okay, I am officially intrigued now. Adding to the TBB list!
And also LMMFAO at the histronic vaginas! Oh man, you had me crying with that one. Evil Auntie Peril, I think I love you. Can I have your babies?
And I’m just about tired of heroes shooting great jets of red-hot spunk deep into her welcoming lurve chunnel. First off… hot? Ow? Third degree inner burns probably aren’t much fun. Second, any analogy of the male orgasm that makes me picture Old Faithful? Is WRONG. Sometimes the descriptions seem like the dude could ice a cake with the amount of creamy, delicious (yeah right), hot cum pouring forth from his lurve-snausage.
Ew.
Second, any analogy of the male orgasm that makes me picture Old Faithful? Is WRONG.
One more word to add to that: spew. Now that is a word that I hate to read in sex scenes. I just looked it up in the dictionary, and guess what the first definition of “spew” is, according to Merriam-Webster? Vomit. Yeah, that’s right, and I really don’t want to read about a guy spewing anything near me.
I shouldn’t. I should have more restraint. But the urge to add to this list…
1)creamy
2) hoo-hoo
3) any euphemism like “velvet manhood†or “pulsing honeypotâ€
is too strong for my meager will.
mossy grotto
purple-helmeted warrior
winking nipples
boiling love juice (serious ouch)
And any reference to dripping
The only time I ever read about anything resembling a lubricant being used
was in a really old western romance where the hero used bear grease because
he wanted to, the heroine didn’t & there was no forplay whatsoever & he
needed to “ease his way”. Blech!
And don’t forget the “cream” that the hero has to use in Catherine Coulter’s Midsummer Magic. She’s unwilling and he has to “do his duty” to get an heir, so he has to remember this pot of cream. All I could think was, “She’s going to have a humdinger of a yeast infection.”
I also remember, but cannot recall which book, a description of the heroine becoming aroused along the lines of, “She felt a spurt of something warm and urgent between her thighs.” KEGELS, woman! KEGELS!
Further, do not get me started on the tear that leaks from the single eye of his manhood. Grooooss.
Now…how do nipples wink? That’s a trick I’d like to learn!
I SERIOUSLY should have more restraint, however, this particular passage made the rounds many years ago—out of a thankfully unpublished ms.
“His pendulous orbs ejaculated hallelujas to a primeval god.”
It doesn’t get any better.
Nora Roberts made me spit coffee on my monitor.
Oh, holy cow, that’s awful. Especially because I read “pendulous orbs” and think “boobs,” and if they’re ejaculating, it’s not a love scene. It’s someone’s dinner time!
“And Heroine fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.”
Why? Why do so many H/Hs – in both contemporary and historical – fall asleep *right* after orgasm? It’s a more palatable cousin to the ‘blackout’ but gives me uneasy narcolepsy images.
Okay, if we’re going to talk about what we’ve read in unpubbed manuscripts…
I judged a contest several years ago and read this line. I had to immediately write it down because it was so utterly bad, it was awesome.
And like a dormant volcano whose time has come, so did he.
Credit for the vaginal histrionics must go to E.D’Trix, not me, Amy E, although I’ll second her on them. Sobbing, whether vocal or *koff* otherwise is something that annoys me in these scenes. I’m reading old-skool romance at the moment, and the heroine’s vocalisations as she “peaks” are really getting on my nerves. Mewling, sobbing, wailing, crying. And nothing should weep at these moments. Wet velvet is not nice. Heavy and it sags.
Then there’s those “gut-wrenching” male orgasms that explode with such force they ought to leave the poor hero with a ruptured spleen. And as for the poor heroine… Have I mentioned that book where the hero actually kills an evil vampiress at the moment of ecstasy with a turbo-charged jet of long-suppressed manly juice? His spasm propels her across a dungeon and into a sideboard. Messy. Very messy.
Okay- I can’t remember what book it was, but there was discussion of her coming and the “tiny muscle spasms” “milking” the hero.
I’m pretty sure she was already pretty “creamy” down there, and then with the “milking”. Thank you, no.
mossy grotto
purple-helmeted warrior
winking nipples
I just bought some plums for the first time in years, and last night I found myself standing in the kitchen just staring at them. My husband was disturbed. I had to explain that it had just occurred to me that I’d seen the glans described as “like a plum” or even worse “like a purple plum” many times. I was just sort of caught up in the study/comparison.
Also, on mutual orgasms. . . I’m sure I’m guilty of writing it, but I’m not a big fan in real life. If you’ve never had one, do not sweat it! You’re kind of self-focused when coming, you know? You tend to miss out on the other person’s O, and I find that disappointing, myself. Class dismissed.
Wow. Ms. Nora Roberts added to my no-no list. That’s a bit surreal. Hee. I may have to blog about this!
)
1)creamy
2) hoo-hoo
3) any euphemism like “velvet manhood†or “pulsing honeypotâ€
4) mossy grotto
5) purple-helmeted warrior
6) winking nipples
7 boiling love juice (serious ouch)
8) And any reference to dripping
I’m adding “spunk” as a word for come. Really doesn’t do it for me.
Also, for Amy E, who objects to the word “delicious” in reference to come, if you manage your man’s diet, it makes a huge difference. If he wants you to swallow, he should go heavy on pineapple and mango, and avoid garlic, oninion, curry, cabbage, caulifower, broccoli, tobacco, coffee. He should drink lots of water and go light on red meat. Cinnamon is also good for improving the taste of ejaculate.
If he’s willing to do all that, you’ll find that he tastes a lot better. Then again, I’ve only been with one man who wanted me to like his stuff bad enough to do all that for me. We actually did an experiment to see whether it works, and it sure does. Although it’ll never taste like whipped cream, you’d be surprised at how tasty it can be.
***I SERIOUSLY should have more restraint, however, this particular passage made the rounds many years ago—out of a thankfully unpublished ms.
“His pendulous orbs ejaculated hallelujas to a primeval god.â€
It doesn’t get any better.***
Along these same lines, a phrase that has made the rounds among some of us ed’s—and that never fails to bring us to hysterical tears of laughter is (paraphrasing a bit):
“Her legs were long and shapely, going from her ass all the way to the floor.”
The editor’s comment? “Well, yes, legs have a way of doing that.”
I’ve never heard of winking nipples before. Most of the time they are hard pebbles, right?
Anyway, I am also tired of wet and creamy for him showing up in lots of novels. Sounds like a yeast infection to me!
“avoid garlic, onion, curry, cabbage, caulifower, broccoli, tobacco”
…and beer, esp. the darker stuff.
But I never knew about the mangoes. Amazing what you learn here.
Pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples, and grapes all improve the taste of sperm because they’re high in sugar, which offsets the bitterness. Parsley, wheatgrass and celery are good. So are cinnamon, cardamon, and peppermint.
This dietary information will make a big difference. You should also keep in mind that whatever he eats will be flavoring his ejaculate between 12-24 hours later. He can have the “yucky come” foods if he wants, but it’ll take that long to work its way out again.
Wow, I should run a workshop on this. 😀
As a side note, this also applies to women, more or less, if you want a tastier pussy.
I posted the following on my lj a few months back:
1. No references to “burning” nipples, or indeed any sort of flaming female erogenous zones.
2. No references to nipples as pebbles, tiny stones, or similar concretions.
3. The jury is still out on the words “nubbin” and “nodule” (and we ain’t talking nipples anymore), but they are fast approaching the banned list.
4. “Manhood” is banned in reference to penises.
5. The heroine’s orgasm shall no longer be described as “crashing waves of ecstasy.” I don’t care how accurate it is. You’re a writer—find a new phrase.
6. If a heroine doesn’t know what’s happening to her when she has an orgasm, you better have a better explanation for this than “she is eighteen and grew up in a nunnery.” Said explanation should include the phrase “utterly devoid of curiosity or imagination.”
7. Women are not permitted to mewl with happiness during foreplay. “Mewling” is not good. It does not mean happy things. It is the noise made by wee kittens who are in pain and unhappiness because they are hungry. It is something whiny, bratty children do. It means whimper, with all the bad connotations. This throws me out of the scene. So knock that shit off. Think up your own words instead of recycling stock phrases from other romance novels.
8. Reference to the penis as a “muscle.” Exceptions will be granted for its use if the author is writing a satire, where he or she is trying to invoke a mental twig on “love muscle” (said in mock-Barry White kind of voice).
I am *so* going to copy all of this down and forward to my significant other.
>> 2. No references to nipples as pebbles, tiny stones, or similar concretions. <<
I would have a much greater objection to nipples that rate more than a 1 on the Moh hardness scale (and what about your hero’s one-eyed monster), if I hadn’t read a lot of Kathleen E. Woodiwiss books in my youth that always had heroines with SOFT nipples in the middle of intense love scenes—AFTER being lavished with attention, if I remember right.
As such, pebble-hard nipples get a pass from me, b/c of my relief that at least the writer gets her anatomical reactions right.
Sherry
That was (still is?) a Catherine Coulter staple. The heroes don’t roar, but they do always orgasm with a shout. Always.
While we’re on the subject of “bad sexual phrases found in romance novels”, I’d like to treat all of you to a passage I wrote for “All About Romance Novel’s” Purple Prose Parody contest (which sadly ended this year). I wrote it under the pseudonym “Lauren Young”, but all that aside, the bad sexual metaphors and purple prose just scream to be mocked:
Ya’ll went and made me blog about this.
purple-helmeted warrior
Last summer I watched a miniseries on the history of the English language on the History Channel or somesuch, and the Georgian-era section included a woman, properly gowned in demure Regency attire, reciting period euphemisms for the penis. The two that I still remember are “His Majesty, in purple cap,” and “pleasure pivot.”
Ana: Fascinating! I do have to say, however, that given my personal experience, diet seems to have minimal effect on the taste; the most reliable correlation is how good he smells to me, and that seems to be more dependent on personal biochemistry than diet. The best-tasting guy I’ve ever been with eats a lot of fruit and doesn’t ever drink alcohol, true, but he also eats a lot of spicy foods—curry is one of his favorite things—and I’ve never noticed it affecting his taste one way or another. Coincidentally, he smells really good to me, too—I mean, I went camping with him, and we went without showering for a couple of days, and at the end of it, he still smelled awesome. It was weird, and I’ve never met another guy who just plain smells that good to me. Another guy I’ve been with who tasted pretty good to me has a very different diet and lifestyle from the first (more meat, a whole lot less fruit, a whole lot more alcohol). And one of the strongest-tasting guys I’ve been with is a pretty strict vegetarian who eats copious amounts of fruit and drinks alcohol only very occasionally.
But now, of course, I must conduct some dietary trials. I am, after all, a scientifically-inclined person.
I imagine it wouldn’t fix it if bio-chemistry were just diametrically opposed, something in ph balances, maybe. But it certainly helps. I would also posit that what is “pleasing” to one woman isn’t going to thrill someone else. I’d guess there’s a book in this… lots of research to be done. Maybe call it a “Tasty-gasm: a Recipe for Swallowing Success”.
I am now imaginging your man’s reaction to the fact that you intend to experiment with his diet and then swallow his come and share your findings with some Smart Bitches.
*wipes away the giggle-tears*
But it’s SCIENCE! And one must make sacrifices for SCIENCE!
(I suppose if I ever did want to report results, I could probably make it a password-protected entry that only people who signed up as members of the Bitchery can view. Hmmmm.)
(I wonder if I can actually talk him into this. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.)
Well, what worked for me was, “You like blow jobs, right? If we do this and you start tasting better to me, that means I will want to do it more. Like, a lot.”
It was not a hard sell. (PUN INCOMING!)
Of course I wasn’t going to post results of my quest for the perfect sperm-cocktail (PUN INCOMING!) recipe either. 😀
This whole thing reminds me of the “funky spunk” tale in Sex and the City. Samantha tried everything, including wheatgrass and even made him taste his own ejaculate! He grimaced, and said, it doesn’t taste that bad, and Samantha had to continue going down and swallowing…..
“He grimaced, and said, it doesn’t taste that bad, and Samantha had to continue going down and swallowing…..”
She had to? I think not!
Myself, I never had a problem with it until my first pregnancy, somewhere about the 3rd month his stuff started having this chemical tang/smell to it. And it wasn’t him, I’m sure, because there was no change in diet and he wasn’t on any medication. I also couldn’t stand the smell of beef cooking and picked up a dire craving for pizza. So I’m thinking it was the body changes going on.
Unfortunately, for my husband, this caused me to develope an aversion to oral action. Thankfully, we’ve worked our way past that. But the man has never had an issue with experimentation in that department. Anything that’ll get him more head, he’s on it! *lol*
As a side note, this also applies to women, more or less, if you want a tastier pussy.
😆 …still dying , so needed a laugh..ty ladies…
I want you bitches to know that you may have ruined me. Trying to write for real on my WIP (I do romantic comedy, aiming for Crusie with more fucking, dunno how close I come
) and all I can come up with is shit like this:
He stuck his purple-headed ding-dong in her creamy hoo-hoo, and it was a taste explosion.
*lmmfao*
can I read that when you’re done? Cause it sounds hilarious.
“avoid garlic, onion, curry, cabbage, caulifower, broccoli, tobaccoâ€
…and beer, esp. the darker stuff.
Okay, that right there was pretty much his diet. Smoked, drank, loved garlic and onions, loved spicy food, and oh yeah, worked on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier refueling the jets. Jet fuel soaked his clothes almost daily. So needless to say, his spewing torrents of creamy manmilk tasted pretty damn disgusting.
I divorced him. Not because of the icky manmilk, but it might’ve been a factor…
I’d heard of pineapple juice, never got around to trying it. Does it work the same way with women, too? I did have one patient tell me, in a burst of serious TMI, that she loved being married to a diabetic because his juice d’amor was sweet as candy.
As a side note, this also applies to women, more or less, if you want a tastier pussy.
Should’ve read a bit further before posting!
I’m trying very hard not to giggle out loud, for fear it will wake up the household.
This conversation brought this to mind:
Back when I was in college, some guy from somewhere called the pay phone at my sorority house. Apparently, it was a pledge initiation thing for him to have to call and tell a woman about his penis. He referred to it as “Russell the Love Muscle”—- I don’t know any more about that conversation, as I wasn’t the one who answered the phone, and the poor girl who had answered was too embarrassed to speak coherently for a very long time.
Always did wonder what else he’d had to say.
I’ve never read a book where the vajayjay referred to as a ‘honeypot’, and it disturbs me greatly that such a euphemism is used – because it completely reminds me of WHINNY THE POOH. That’s one horny teddy bear – whatever could he be teaching to impressionable, prepubescent Christopher Robin?
ANYHOO, I’m quite grossed out by some of the edible euphemisms, besides, I can’t help thinking:
Creamy vajayjay + burning member = Baked Alaska!
”… spewing torrents of creamy manmilk … “
*dies*
There’s one for the don’t list! OMG! I might actually be squicked.
I just finished reading Tanith Lee’s “The Heart of The Moon” and the heroine had a flaming center that later became a conflagration. I really liked the story, but every time someone mentions burning or flaming, it really makes me think that someone needs to see the dr. Maybe pick up a cream or some antibiotics.