Sarah: Now this is just dumb. There’s a storm so bad there’s water on board. The ship’s wheel is up to its handle in water… so let’s have hot sex! Nothing like some onboard danger sex with a muscle-bound grease-master and a red-haired harlot in a very-historically accurate miniskirt.
Candy: Hey, is that a red handkerchief streaming out of her right pocket? No wonder that captain is all over her.
The captain’s dedication to keeping his body completely hair-free is also astonishing, if the state of the ocean on the cover is representative of the conditions the ship had to endure. I imagine it’d make shaving certain body regions into a bona fide X-TREME sport.
Sarah: I do this pose in yoga. It’s not very comfortable. I believe it’s called “Sage pose,” and it’s designed to squeeze the organs to release toxins from your body as you stretch and twist the spine. She’s doing quite a twist, there – looks like her upper body is almost 180 degrees from her lap. She’s squeezing something out.
I wonder if he’s a giant blonde toxin that emerged from her left ear? Either way, that vest is certainly toxic enough to cause expulsion.
Candy: After analyzing the direction of his gaze, I’m pretty sure he wants her to surrender to love all right. MUDDY love, if know what I mean, and I think you do.
Sarah: Ooh, ooh can I write the cover quote?
“To love a dark mullet, who loves a dead lady whose hair is not the only thing that’s Nice n’Easy. “
Candy: If he had a white stripe through his hair, I’d say he looks eerily like a man-titted version of Pepe le Pew. No, seriously, look:
Sarah: Sing with me now:
Candy: If there ever was proof that the 80s was Satan’s decade, the popularity of Jheri curls would be it.
Sarah: Everything in this picture is designed to get you to look at one thing. The sloping letters, the sunbeams in the distance, the cascade of flowers. The fact that it’s the most highlighted element of the illustration.
Gaze upon the man titty! You cannot resist!
And damn hell, that is a serious mullet. He’s all stockbroker in the front, Billy Ray Cyrus in the back. You know she’s got a scissors hidden up in that big ol’ corset and when he’s not looking, SNIP!
Candy: That mullet is indeed fierce, but what disturbs me the most is how shiny this guy’s torso is. What did he do to get that heavy sheen? Brush himself all over with eggwhite? And if we check him for doneness, will he prove to be half-baked? *ba-dum-tish*