Historical covers that SHOULD be wallpaper


Sarah: Now this is just dumb. There’s a storm so bad there’s water on board. The ship’s wheel is up to its handle in water… so let’s have hot sex! Nothing like some onboard danger sex with a muscle-bound grease-master and a red-haired harlot in a very-historically accurate miniskirt.

Candy: Hey, is that a red handkerchief streaming out of her right pocket? No wonder that captain is all over her.

The captain’s dedication to keeping his body completely hair-free is also astonishing, if the state of the ocean on the cover is representative of the conditions the ship had to endure. I imagine it’d make shaving certain body regions into a bona fide X-TREME sport.


Sarah: I do this pose in yoga. It’s not very comfortable. I believe it’s called “Sage pose,” and it’s designed to squeeze the organs to release toxins from your body as you stretch and twist the spine. She’s doing quite a twist, there – looks like her upper body is almost 180 degrees from her lap. She’s squeezing something out.

I wonder if he’s a giant blonde toxin that emerged from her left ear? Either way, that vest is certainly toxic enough to cause expulsion.

Candy: After analyzing the direction of his gaze, I’m pretty sure he wants her to surrender to love all right. MUDDY love, if know what I mean, and I think you do.


Sarah: Ooh, ooh can I write the cover quote?

“To love a dark mullet, who loves a dead lady whose hair is not the only thing that’s Nice n’Easy. “

Candy: If he had a white stripe through his hair, I’d say he looks eerily like a man-titted version of Pepe le Pew. No, seriously, look:



Sarah: Sing with me now:

“You GOT to let your SOUL GLOW!”

Candy: If there ever was proof that the 80s was Satan’s decade, the popularity of Jheri curls would be it.


Sarah: Everything in this picture is designed to get you to look at one thing. The sloping letters, the sunbeams in the distance, the cascade of flowers. The fact that it’s the most highlighted element of the illustration.

Gaze upon the man titty! You cannot resist!

And damn hell, that is a serious mullet. He’s all stockbroker in the front, Billy Ray Cyrus in the back. You know she’s got a scissors hidden up in that big ol’ corset and when he’s not looking, SNIP!

Candy: That mullet is indeed fierce, but what disturbs me the most is how shiny this guy’s torso is. What did he do to get that heavy sheen? Brush himself all over with eggwhite? And if we check him for doneness, will he prove to be half-baked? *ba-dum-tish*

Comments are Closed

  1. Tonda says:

    Historical jerry curl is worse than historical mullet *SHUDDER* . . . I didn’t think you could ever make be shoot liquid out my nose again—I mean, I’m PREPARED now—but once again you did it: Lime bubbly water right through the nasal passage.

  2. Watercolorz says:

    Girrrl… Please quit playing!!!


    * dead *

    Sarah… you had me at


  3. April says:

    Yes, after you mentioned Soul Glow and after I clicked the link, I had this insane, hysterical urge to tweak the cover in Photoshop and add some oily residue on the guy’s back.

  4. diane says:

    these covers are filled with bad hair. the ho from “to love a dark lord” has the same hair color as the kind of girls who dealt drugs at the dead end parking lot behind my high school.

    and “a rose and midnight” proves the impossible: there is more than one cover guy with a jheri curl mullet! i really thought the dude in the loretta chase book was the only one. but now i am humbly proven wrong.

  5. Polargirl says:

    Soul Glow!


  6. Kristie(J) says:

    I’m wondering if I should confess that I actually own all these books.

  7. The chick on the Rose at Midnight cover makes me think of Bertrice Small (sp?) and her lice-infested cover models.


    Once again you’ve proved real-life covers are stranger than pr0n…

  8. Letitia LeStrange says:

    I really would like to know what is up with the hair? Has this been discussed before?
    Seriously, the Pepe le Pew thing nearly kilt me…

  9. SB Sarah says:

    If you own the books, Kristie, how were they? Any good? Tell tell!

  10. I started laughing at the red hanky, and didn’t stop ‘til the end (if you know what I mean).  Well done, SBs!

  11. Danielle says:

    Poor Anne Stuart. Talk about when bad covers happen to good authors. I noticed that the couple on Shadow Dance seem to be seriously confused about human anatomy… or else she’s a MAN, baby!

    The worst historical costume gaffe I’ve ever seen was on the cover of a book called Touched by Thorns. (I looked for a scanned copy of this travesty online but couldn’t find one.) It was supposedly set in the Elizabethan era; the chick on the cover wore a ruff around her neck, combined with a strapless gown. Large tracts of bare skin were exposed in between.

    ::listens for Tonda’s agonized screams::

  12. Alison says:

    hah, i really liked To Love a Dark Lord… of course, it was ages ago that i read it. her hair colour definitely disturbed me at the time, i remember that much!


  13. Tonda says:


    Just for Danielle.

  14. Raina_Dayz says:

    The guy in To Love a Dark Lord is totally Adrian Paul pre-haircut from the Highlander series.

  15. Tonda says:

    What if we had a contest one of these Mondays? Submit a cover that’s a doppelganger for someone you know or for someone famous (who is NOT a cover model)?

    Most readers I know have one of these lurking about (I sure do *GIGGLE* . . . You’d have to submit both the cover AND a pic of he guy you think it looks like.

    Candy? Sarah?

  16. Doug Hoffman says:

    You’ve outdone yourselves with Pepe LePew. And that flagging link . . . omigod. Will that work with my wife, I wonder?

    Sarah, Candy, everyone: I need your help at my place. Tell me why people fall in love—the good reasons, please.

    Sorry to be a little whore. No, wait. I’m not sorry. I’m a proud little whore!

  17. Emily says:

    My God. Mr. Rose @ Midnight looks way too much like Elvis Stojko for comfort.

  18. Kristie(J) says:

    The Anne Stuart books were all great!  She does do a good dark hero.  The Harmon is still sitting in my TBR pile and it was so long ago that I read the Layton that I can’t remember it.  I’ve read others by her so it couldn’t have been too bad.

  19. Sarah says:

    Ok, I have been all over the internet looking for this Touched by Thorns cover and I cannot find it. If anyone can find it, I will totally be all grateful and photoshoppy about your awesomeness! The gauntlet has been thrown – find us that cover!

  20. lovelysalome says:

    Picked up the gauntlet and went searching…. found it on Chinese Ebay, naturally!

    I sent it as an attachment to your e-mail addresses.  It really, really, really is as back as Danielle said!

  21. kate r says:

    you know what’s saddest of all? That Edith Layton book ROCKS. It’s not as good as the other two in the series but it’s still way, way, WAY better than the average historical.

    Edith Layton is severely underrated. If you haven’t read her, you must, but don’t do the C series that got her famous. That’s not as good as the earlier series, like this one—or maybe the ones set in NY.

    Sigh. This cover is almost as bad as the Fabio Kinsale cover.

  22. SB Sarah says:

    Ok, Kate R, what Layton’s do you recommend? This ought to be a “Good Shit” question, come to think of it.

  23. Karla says:

    You know Shadowdance has a cross-dressing heroine AND a cross-dressing hero so maybe they aren’t confused about anantomy.

  24. Rosemary says:

    Thanks to you, Sarah, I’ve had “Soul Glow” stuck in my head for a good two hours now.


  25. Ann says:

    The Pepe LePew ref just cracked me up—thanks! But no jokes about Duncan McLeod of the Clan McLeod…he’s my all-time favorite hero!

  26. Solaine says:

    Oh my Jah!

    Sarah had me at the yoga pose. I know it very well and it is NOT comfortable. But then she went and invoked Coming To America …. and it was a wrap for me.

    *drops mics on the floor and steps away with arms in the air like Sexual Chocolate*

  27. Claudia says:

    Behold the power of the Jherri:

    to america"


  28. Gehayi says:

    “To Love a Dark Lord.” Sauron, Morgoth, Cthulhu and Voldemort will be so pleased.

    And oh, God, yes, the male model on the cover of “To Love a Dark Lord” is definitely Adrian Paul.

    The captain in “My Lady Pirate” has hair that’s so greasy, even all the water on the ship hasn’t disarranged a single lock.

    You killed me with the Pepe Le Pew comment. Killed me dead.

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