Fire in the Disco, Fire in the Taco Bell

Oh the burning, the burning. Click on the extended text if you’re ready for a world of pain.

Please note: THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING.

image

Sarah: Does it surprise me that this guy is a virgin? Not at all. He looks like the greasy guy who’s friends with one of your friends, the one you really don’t like all that much but who is usually around a lot, anyway, the one who brags about all the chicks he’s scored with in that annoying way he has of whining when he talks, when you know for certain that he’s never unzipped his pants in the company of a lady in his life, except for the nurse at his pediatrician’s office.

Candy: Wait, maybe he’s supposed to be the devil? In which case, can Satan sue for misrepresentation? Unless the Dark One really does look like he runs a meth lab in the bathroom of his single-wide trailer and is especially proud of his 17-year-old girlfriend’s good looks because she still has all her teeth.

image

Sarah: Knee fucking? There’s pesky knee fucking in Ellora’s Cave? Ok, now we know erotica has gone too far.

And why is that guy on fire? Does he symbolize the raging fungal attack that comes from extended knee fucking? It’s worse than carpet burn, I hear.

Candy: The latest in rape protection technology: the Flame-a-Cooch. That’s right, a flame-thrower implanted in your hey-nanner-nanner! Developed in the mean streets of Johannesburg, this device is guaranteed to work, or your money back!1 Press the panic button, and a towering inferno will singe your attacker to a crisp!2

1 Not responsible for improper installation, failure to deactivate device when use is not required or other operator error. Liability limited to replacing or repairing defective products; skin grafts and other medical procedures not covered. Strictly speaking, not really all that legal in any of the 50 states.

2 To help defray the costs for this cutting-edge device, flames will also feature holographic advertising from select sponsors. This month’s message is brought to you by Levi’s Jeans: The only thing hotter than the fire from the Flame-a-Cooch is your man’s ass in 501s.

image

Candy: “Stop, drop and roll” is good advice for everyone, especially if you’re Vince Neil and your hair’s on fire.

I have no idea who that smug-looking chick is. Maybe some groupie he’s dissed in the past?

Sarah: Imagine him at the superhero convention.

“OK, our next nominee is the God of Fire. Mr. Fire, can you tell us what your most powerful talent is?”

“Yeah, dude. I flex my plastic biceps, and women’s heads come out of my groin.”

image

Sarah: Is this the erotica version of the praying mantis, where, instead of eating the male after sexual relations, she sets him on fire instead? He’s all, “What’s up with the burning at the stake, bitch?”

And she’s all, “That’s the way it goes, dude. It’s either fiery demise or just a wicked incurable painful case of the clap. Your call.”

“Dude. Light the match.”

Candy: He looks like a cross between a crazy cult leader and a really, really stupid fire dancer. Honey, real fire dancers don’t generally set their own forearms and crotches on fire during their act—not on purpose, anyway. I know, I know, you’re not feeling a damn thing right now, but trust me, you’ll feel it plenty once the PCP wears off.

Comments are Closed

  1. Reese says:

    “Fire and Ice”

    Oooh, what an incredibly original title.

  2. celeste says:

    My dogs hate the insane cackling that heralds the arrival of more SmartBitches covers. 🙂

    Two words of advice to would-be cover artists:

    1. If you’re planning to show a collection of naked body parts, please make sure to arrange them in such a way that it’s readily discernible what they ARE. (I had to zoom way in on Pesky Paranormals to see WTF was going on. Looked like a side view of a Twister game.)

    2. Beware the temptation to “strategically” position the heroine in front of the hero’s genitalia. You invariably end up with a scene that looks like the hero just gave birth or the heroine is wearing some awfully strange and pornographic headgear.

  3. Linnet says:

    This was one of the best cover snarks yet! Thank you for the much needed laughs.

  4. Tonda says:

    What’s up with how long the guy’s torso is on the Fire and Ice cover? Fiery snake-man cometh.

    Pun intentional.

  5. Robyn says:

    Gee. D’ya think they put devil virgin’s swirly font of the “D” around his nipple on purpose? They hid the other one with the “L.” Maybe he’s only got one but he’s really, really proud of it?

  6. Every Monday I worry you’ll run out of covers to snark.

    Thank goodness you’ve got out back.

  7. That’s our back. 

    Dammit, when do we get an edit key?!

  8. melaniemiriam says:

    Agh, help!  The God of Fire is sitting on my head and it BURNS!  Get it off me!  Get it off me!

  9. Karla says:

    I just realized that there is a woman on the Devil’s Virgin.  Her torso is all messed up though.  Plus she looked like Demi Moore.  I know the blue moon has Dark Silk across it, but I misread as Dark Sak – the romance novel about heros from the brotherhood of the sak, hiding their visage as they search for true luvre ™.

    The God of Fire has a Dude on his crotch.  It’s the lead signer of an 80’s hairband.  Just look at that poof on the top of his head.

  10. Samantha says:

    I think I know the guy from The Devil’s Virgin…Yeah, wasn’t he that dude that hung around us in high school even though he was at least 25, thinking he’d get laid for buying us beer?

  11. Michelle, the Diva says:

    :bug: Good Gawd Almighty, that IS Vince Neil.

    Methinks that you’ve gotta bang a LOT of groupies before they start spontaneously appearing out of your ding-a-ling.

    And you know that’s gotta hurt worse than any kidney stone ever did.

    Or maybe it’s a HoloCock Projector. You know, for the guy who has everything, including the girl with the Flame-a-Cooch.

    Thanks for the laughs, ladies.

  12. Madeline says:

    Your Electric Six reference made me scream with laughter. 😀

    I make lots of money
    I make more money than you
    I ride around in my limo
    it’s what I was born to do!

  13. Lauri Doublevie says:

    Okay, all of these covers look like acid trips gone horribly wrong, but the guy on the first one…is it me or does his nipple look like an undercooked pepperoni (or a pink color-code sticker that you see sell in packs for anywhere from $1.99 to 2 for $5 at Staples or Office Max). Also, the first guy looks like Johnny Depp with a shave. That is just horrible to me and anyone else who likes Johnny Depp.

  14. Hmmm… Psychadelic colours? Stark naked men with long hair insanely prancing about in the leaping flames with little regard for their own health and well-being? Can anyone else hear Hammond organs? Guess whose artistic muse has been affected by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown and his blazing helmet?

    Listen carefully, they’re all singing it: “I am the god of hellfire, and I bring you… Fire! (rousing organ intro) Fire. I’ll take you to learn/Fire. I’ll take you to burn/Fire. I’ll take you to bed.”

    Thank (the) god (of hellfire) that the cover artists had the decency to leave off the beards, at least.

  15. Ceilidh says:

    :gulp: I’m supposed to be a Smart Bitch ™, I found this site didn’t I?  Then why the hell did I click?  You warned me but did I listen?  Oh no!  Now I’ve got to spend company time looking at pictures of cute little puppies and kittens and quitely humming to myself to find my happy place… 

    :shut:

  16. Jeri says:

    Ouch.  Just…ouch.

    Laughter better be the best effin’ medicine, because I’ve gone all blind and vomitacious.

  17. Castiron says:

    #2—Yeah, it really messes with your romantic evening when one of those pesky flaming jeans-wearing paranormals materializes between you and your partner….

  18. AnimeJune says:

    The second cover (Tawny Taylor’s) took me a while to figure out – that woman’s got a really elongated torso and some curiously perfectly-spherical breasts.

    And…she seems to be already doing it with the smaller, translucent elf-guy – while her partner WATCHES. Creepy.

  19. Dee says:

    The Devil’s Virgin..there’s not words.

    Body & Soul—I REALLY don’t think that’s a chick, gang. Unless, you know, knee fucking really builds up the biceps. It took me a while to find the head on that one.

    God of Fire—you know, if THIS had been the Devil’s Virgin, lol, I might not be as shocked.

    Fire & Ice—Is it me…or is that Kid Rock?

    LOL, you ladies awe me. Are your eyes recovered?
    Smooches,
    Dee

  20. Lisa #2 says:

    Are you sure that’s not Sawyer on the cover of Fire & Ice?!?!

  21. AnimeJune says:

    Fire & Ice: “Oh God! I’m on fiiiire! Save me Jesus! Save me Jewish God! Save me Tom Cruise!”

  22. alau says:

    Oh, this is so funny.  Thanks for providing me with some laughs after my horrendous gamut of finals week. You made my day.

    p.s. this is my first time posting and I really enjoy the blog!

  23. Cindy says:

    Oh you guys!

    The first cover looks like Tom Cruise when he did that drippy fairy tale movie…the name escapes me.

    Ellora’s Cave Presents…..WTF!  The Cover of Body and Soul looks like a menage and not a very fun one at that.  Fire and Ice; with all the fire around the first thing to burn should have that dude’s hair…it has that wonderful strawlike quality.

    As for the God of Fire cover, it looks like someone set a Ken Doll on fire.

    Thank God I didn’t see these on Monday, I had a migraine and any form of laughter would have made my head explode!

  24. Aimee says:

    Thanks for making me laugh, although it hurt. I’ve been fighting a cold for a week and this was just icing on the cake.

    And Cindy, I hate having to admit having seen the bloody movie, but you’re referencing Legend, when the young Tom Mapother III played a mute. Godawful movie.

  25. Gehayi says:

    I think you both nailed the descriptions of the guy on The Devil’s Virgin cover.

    The head coming out of the guy’s crotch in God of Fire looks like the head of my old Ken doll—smug smile and all.

    A casual search of Fanfiction.net reveals 534 stories with the words “fire and ice” in the title. I think that Ms. Midnight might take that as a sign that she needs a new title.

Comments are closed.

By posting a comment, you consent to have your personally identifiable information collected and used in accordance with our privacy policy.

↑ Back to Top