Sarah: I have often wished for hair that would wave gently and always stay back behind my ears. And I’ve often wished for a man with giant titties, oddly-lumped nipples (perhaps a doctor should check that right titty there) and no legs to make vaguely obscene two-fingered gestures with his fingers at me from the cover of a book.
How nice that half of my wishes come true.
Candy: He’s on a quest to find the mighty Clitoris, and he will wander through as many dank swamps and moist caverns as he’ll have to, two fingers always at the ready.
Sarah: If the something that is wild is hidden in the giant brown sock dangling from his waist, it does not appear to be all that wild. And neither does its owner, who appears to be somewhat befuddled at best, and drugged out of his mind at worst. Maybe he’s about to pull a Baldwin, string himself out on coke, and swing from the ceiling fan.
He’s wearing the same expression as the legless deSalvo above, so my guess is that no, he’s just boring and not wild in the least.
Candy: That expression looks quite uncannily like… well.
“Hey kids, wanna get hiiiiiigh?
…
“I have no idea what’s going on.”
Sarah: Why does deSalvo never look right at you? What’s he hiding? He always looks just over your shoulder, like someone more attractive is behind you. And for someone with that many ab muscles, he sure looks ineffably boring in every single cover. How dreadful to know that no matter what expression you put on your face, your mantitty will still overshadow you.
Candy: Is he dipping into a refreshing stream to douse his red-hot geyser? And is he afraid to step out now because of shrinkage?
Sarah: Have we done this cover before? If not, allow me to point out that his nipple is bigger than his gun.
And also, shall we discuss how… startled he looks, being kissed by a GIRL? That’s not a “Your Pa is going to come after me with the shotgun and the sun glinting off my abs makes me an easy target” expression. That’s a “I’ve been known to whack but I sure don’t like bush” expression.
Candy: You just know he’s yelling “AAAHHHHH GERRRRRRMS NASTY GIRL GERRRRRRMS!”
Man, what is UP with his tricep? It’s freaking my shit right out. Not as much as the cute chick is freaking his shit out, but what can you do when your bride likes to *koff* whack you with her bush, and you’re more into…y’know…shrubberies.
That pistol is of a most unmacho size. Did he borrow her little peashooter or something?
Just what I need to wake me up during the all work, no sleep, “rush-rush-rush” final week of school until summer break.
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit.
Thanks, Smart Bitches
Something Wild was one of those books that confused me, being a rather smart lady myself. I found myself CARING about the outcome, knowing all the while that such a reaction was silly at best. I never like WILD CHILD books – Tarzan types annoy the crap out of me, particularly females like in Wiggs’ The Horsemaster’s Daughter or any of the Clan of the Cave Bear series. There is such a thing as sexual innocense taken too far! Pull up your panties, girl!!
But thanks for cracking me up…
I can’t help but wonder what they said to him to get that expression in the last cover? What was the goal? “OK, C’mon Big D, look like you’ve just been goosed!”
Hey, I found the opposite of the last cover, and it’s much worse:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/0505525887/ref=dp_image_0/102-6723931-9112942?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=283155&s=books
Oh dear God that’s awful.
Do you think he has a little helper (know what I mean, eh, nudge is as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more) before hand to get him through the cover modeling?
Wow, I wish Longmire would do some captions for Bushwhacked Groom! The possibilities…
Is it just me, or is that a particularly Captain Kirk-ish type of gesture on that first cover? Perhaps DeSalvo was one of those alien race guys that mimicked Kirk’s gestures then started gettin’ it on with the women that beamed down to his home planet (filmed with the vaseline covered lenses, of course) before things went bad and the sailors had to beat tracks back up to the Enterprise, beaming up as fast as the beam could beam them, but a few of the women loved the alien nooky so much that they preferred to stay behind and live happily ever after in space age loin cloths and curiously 1960s Earth era beehive hairdos. Or something.
Well I’m afraid I do have some sympathy for DeSalvo’s startlment at incoming girl c00ties in last one.
I mean if you’re only holding the dastards—who took you by such suprise that you didn’t have time to put your shirt one—at bay by dint of threatening them with a loaded pistol, the last thing you need is your honey to decide that this a great time to start putting the moves on you.
Someone could get shot in an accidentaly discharge!
That gal obviously wasn’t paying attention in gun safety class.
LOLOL!!!!
Sometimes being dyslexic is a blessing – I read ‘Brainwashed Bride’
I think maybe I’ll even write that one and submit it to the same publisher that does Who’s the Daddy?
*weeping quietly at yet another full frontal (more like 3/4 actually) desalvo assault.
The only emotions expresses are
“….”
and
“Eeww, cooties!”
I here I thought you bitches were our internet friends.
This Desalvo stuff is as tough to take in as the note from Assuage Jaggernaut who’s dying of cancer and wants me to help empty out his country’s former dictator’s bank account on account I’m a good Christian.
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!! I’m dyin’ here!!
Can I just say that I all I want for Christmas is NOT to have DeSalvo on my cover . . . ever.
Assuage Jaggernaut sounds like a super-sized butt plug. Not that I’d know about such things or anything. Just saying’s all.
I don’t know if people have mentioned this before – but his abs are lopsided. Especially noticable in the Prince of Thieves cover.
I also misread Something Wild as Something To Wear. Wishful thinking, I guess.
Y’know, that’s not the first time we’ve seen a cover model with crooked abs. Is the real guy lopsided? 🙂
Thank you! Blank, staring DeSalvo is my favorite. He does vacant like nobody else.
The expression on his face in Bushwacked Bride is hilarious. As is the title, for that matter.
Geez, I had no idea he had done so many covers.
And don’t mock his vacant expression. You’d look that way too after posing for 7,322,121 covers.
You guys have seen his website right?
http://www.johndesalvo.com/home.htm