Ah, it’s like fish in a barrel: the Native American romance novel cover. The fringe! The headbands! The majestic beadwork. The big bulge in the front of the buckskin trousers!
But what about the poor horsies, forced against their will to participate in this tawdry drivel?
Sarah: The magic in question is how the shirtless comanche is holding onto the stupid woman while she grabs his knee. Poor horse is going to fall the hell over with all that side weight, because the poor thing already has to lug those man titties around on his back.
Candy: Wow, this looks like a figure skating routine, only with a horse. Strapping ice skates onto a horse: talk about cruel and unusual.
Not that it’s any crueller or more unusual than having to bear these two preening asshats on its back.
And is this just a problem with my monitor, but does the man have no discernible nipples?
Sarah: “Stupid woman,” thought Has-Big-Mullet-But-No-Shirt. “Not only is she running around in her nightgown during a brushfire, but she doesn’t realize that horse is going to stomp her head like a melon. Oh well. Maybe me and my man-titties will fit in her shirt.”
Candy: Does it seem to you that BOTH of them are gazing at the horse with unbecoming longing? The girl seems to be gazing wistfully at the horse’s hocks, while the dude seems to be ignoring the girl’s fairly impressive rack in favor of her equine companion. The secret of the book is out: Wind is the name of the horse, and the book is centered around the unholy love triangle between the blonde chippy, an Apache stallion and the horse they both love just a leeeeetle too much for anyone’s comfort.
Sarah: I bet it burns, honey, that “midnight fire.” No one told these two about the romance taboo about buttsecks on horseback.
Candy: That is the BEST expression on her face. Anticipatory, yet blank. Kind of like cousin Bleh in Drawn Together. She knows that he’s promised to remember the KY next time, but she also knows he’ll keep “forgetting.” I mean, c’mon, look at the smug expression on his face. You just KNOW he’s the kind of asshole who’ll slip it up the backdoor and claim it was an “accident.”
The weird disembodied hand clutching at her boob also threw me off for a bit until I realized it was supposed to be hers.
Sarah: And when there’s no horse? Because he done ran off in fear of further trick riding injuries from dangling women off his bridle? Your handsome Apache can yank your arms off and ride you like a stick horse across the prairie.
Candy: All RIGHT! Talk about backdoor love on the range! (Where the deer and the antelope play…proctologist.)
Looking at the supremely awkward angle of her legs, I’m not sure HOW she’s staying upright. Unless she’s being propped up by SOMETHING.
I think there’s definitely a stick horse here, Sarah. Only it’s not the one you think. I think the stick horse is already being ridden, cunningly hidden ‘twixt the folds of the skirt.
What is she sitting on in Apache Destiny? It looks like a suitcase, but it’s hard to tell.
First one, no nipples. It must have been written during the seventies. Lady body hair was in then but Man nipples were out of fashion then. Don’t know why.
Do you see the extra hand crawling up the poor horse in Midnight Fire? Who’s hand is that? What kind of freak would feel up a horse like that? In public?
In Apache Destiny she’s sitting on one of those saddle like sex machines they advertise on the internet. I saw one once – creepy.
OK, for some really unbecoming longing, here’s a letter someone sent to The Stranger in Seattle – Not Work Safe
I can not tell you how many times in my life that song has been sung to me. Sarah will have to explain.
I cannot even comment on the horse letter. *shudder*
But I will say, on the Midnight Fire cover – where is her ARM? There is no ARM just a hand?!
Creeeeepy.
The horse’s leg on Comanche Magic is turning transparent on the bottom.
I’m really impressed that Madeline Baker has “over 10 million books in print!”
The hand is freaking me out.
I think the chick on Midnight Fire has AMNESIA and one of the things she can’t remember is what those round things are on her chest, so she’s trying to feel them in hopes of remembering, but she can’t quite remember how her arms and hands work either.
She also had no idea what that dude behind her is doing, but he’s saying “Oh yeah, baby, you let me do this all the time. You LIKE it.” and she’s going, “Well, ok, if you say so.”
I’m going to go scrub my brain now.
Also, that horse letter was deeply disturbing. (shudder)
Wow… just… wow. The look on her face. The disembodied hand. The incredibly skanky, I’m-a-molester look on the hero’s face. Muh Gawd. I think you’ve found the ultimate in romance covers with Midnight Fire.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bleach my eyes.
All I can say is “White-guys much”.
Ditto, Tonda. Let’s start the Society for What The Bloody Hell’s Wrong With Using Actual Native American Men on The Covers of Native American Romances? We’ll lobby congress to pass a law, making it illegal to pose white guys with makeup as Native Americans.
On the other hand, wonder how many Native American men would pose as a cover model? They should look into it. In a lot of cases, cover models make more than the author. Come to think of it, the horses probably make more than some authors.
Hmmm. Perhaps we should all ditch writing and go for modeling. With horses.
Nah. They’d wanna chop off my hand, and you know, I might need my hand to feel my breasts, just to make sure they’re still there.
Ewww, that horse letter made me sick to my stomach. I need to read a no-sex Regency now just to calm it down.
People like that need to be prevented from reproducing, to protect the human genetic pool
No nipples? Oh, that must be an RWA thing. Are they not allowing nipples on men either?
That breast-clutching hand really does look like it’s been ripped from a corpse because that brown thing at the end does look like a bone!
EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Not necrophelia in paperback!!! That goes beyond paranormal!
Ahhh, you laugh, but some of us cover designers work about 10 hours a week and bring in $40,000 year! But, give us a break. We’re at the mercy of tasteless publishers and sales reps (the “more boobs guys”) who decorate their own homes with black velvet paintings of tigers and think the more fonts you can cram on a cover, the better. Art? Nope! Easy cash, honest work? Yeppers! Just think “cheap brothel” and you’ve completed the only design course necessary for romance novels.
And we do work once in a while. I mean, we actually have to read the book sometimes to find out if the stud is right handed or left handed. You’d be surprised at how many people notice which side his groin bulge is packaged on.
Why DON’T they use Native American models? Even if they’re half or part, even. Like Billy Wirth. He’s half, or so he claims. Nice non-worksafe pic here:
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Atrium/8753/BWirth/
Oooh. Now I’m quivering. All I wanted for Protector of the Flight was a woman on a winged horse…and I definitely wanted the wings at a slant instead of across (I searched many many images), and so my poor cover will be up here next year…(I have the art, but not the cover and no permission to post yet). I can see myself being flayed (or having demons wings added to my online photos by you all) for abuse to horse.
Robin 😉
Hehe, I lol’d so hard.
I agree with Candy on the cover of Comanche Magic, it does look like a figure skating routine. What gets me, is why hasnt her weight made him fall off the horse yet? Because looking at how he is holding that reign so loosly, he’d topple right over, unless he has thighs of steel crushing that horses sides, to support her.
The Horse in the Chase the Wind cover, I rekon that mullet indian dude is showing the heroine what he has, and has freaked out the horse..
Also the Indian in the Apache Destiny cover looks like he is sniffing the girls hair. He only likes clean girls.