DeSalvo, Part Deux

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Sarah: Perm + Man-titty + WAY TOO MUCH BRONZER = hilarity. Do you think if you moisten your finger and wipe it down his chest, you can reveal the pasty white skin beneath? What a handy place to write down notes and phone numbers. “Hang on, I have his number, it’s right here on the Highlander’s left man-tit.”

Candy: Indeed, when I’m feeling pasty after a grey, brutal Portland winter and I’m longing for some time in the sun so that I, y’know, no longer glow in the fucking dark, I immediately think of decamping to the Scottish Highlands.

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Sarah: I think his man-titty is holding up his plaid sash. And have you ever noticed that on all the deSalvo covers, his arms are bent because he’s so built he can’t straighten his arms, and, more importantly, his legs are spread, like his man junk is SO big he can’t close his legs? What’s he hiding under that kilt? Priapism?

Candy: Egad! The pirates, English rakes and randy horsemen have all infected the Highlanders with the inability to lace up their shirts before tucking them into their waistbands! When will the madness stop? Won’t somebody think of the children?

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Sarah: I giggled for a good half-hour at this cover. Even Hubby walked around the house: “Laird of the Wind! TOOT!” Seriously, sir, you do not want to be Laird of the Wind in a kilt. There’s nothing there to stop your wind from, um, escaping the confines. You might want to refrain from eating so many beans if you’re still having that problem – unless it’s not beans. Maybe you and last week’s Hot Buttsecks Wind Indian are Lairds of Brokeback Mountain?

Candy: See that eagle soaring off in yonder distance? It was totally blown off its feet in an unanticipated lift-off, courtesy of this particular laird’s wind. Gives “wind beneath my wings” a new meaning entirely. People oft wondered what sorcery the Laird wrought when on Tuesday mornings, all the eagles within the immediate vicinity would take flight whenever he stepped out, but really, that’s just because Monday night is always 5-Alarm Chili night.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Gabriele says:

    ROFLOL, those covers so fit my todays post. 🙂

  2. 2
    sarasco says:

    priapism! hahahahahaa…. ever since i found out what it was a few years ago, it hasn’t stopped being funny

  3. 3
    aldahlia says:

    You’d think at some point in the publishing process, someone would have said, “Laird of the Wind? For real?  You know what that’s going to sound like, don’t you?”

  4. 4

    Laird of the Wind?  I’m still laughing.  I keep envisioning the kilt lifting in the, uh, breeze, ala Marilyn Monroe in “The Seven Year Itch”.

  5. 5
    Lauri Doublevie says:

    Does it bother anyone that the guy in the second cover has no shoulders, not even the broad, manly ones described in the actual text of romance novels?

    The third one…let’s get past the title (which made me think WTF? rather than actually laugh) and take a look at the sword going through the tight spaces on the L and the W. Blatant sexual symbolism much? (although I think it would be more blatant if the tight spaces were bleeding, as most virgin letters do when first pierced by the mighty sword of this Mel Gibson [a la Braveheart] wannabe).

    The first one…the title’s been done to death and he needs a haircut. It’s not 1983 anymore.

  6. 6
    Jennie says:

    I can barely stop laughing at the title “Laird of the Wind” title to even post.  It’s like a bad Saturday Night Live Skit—“Lothar of the Fart People”

  7. 7

    Oh my… After cackling the usual horrible way and being reminded of the male enhancement commercial with the very dull announcer saying “If you experience priapism” in a monotone of someone who is reciting the elements of the periodic table, after thinking of the Brokeback you-know-what—I am now humming a horrible horrible little song to the tune of the Rice-a-Roni commercial…

    Ole’ Man Titty,
    the San Francisco Treat!
    Ole’ Man Titty,
    your bronzer can’t be beat!

  8. 8
    Tig says:

    OMG, I can’t remember what I was going to post, my brain is now too full of Ole’ Man Titty!

  9. 9
    Lauri Doublevie says:

    I can barely stop laughing at the title “Laird of the Wind” title to even post.  It’s like a bad Saturday Night Live Skit—“Lothar of the Fart People”

    Ah, it’s more like a bad MAD-TV sketch since that show tries too hard to be like SNL. SNL may suck sometimes, but very rarely does it stoop to the level of the third romance novel.

    It might do it if the show runs out of good ideas, but this so belongs on MAD-TV.

    Sorry to go off-topic.

  10. 10

    Actually, now I can’t get the song “The Scotsman” out of my head.

    “Lad, I don’t know where ye been, but I see you won first prize.”

  11. 11
    SandyW says:

    I do living history once in a while, dress up in costume and have fun with other crazies. I can’t help thinking about the comment I have heard from more than one reenactor:

    “Why, there’s nothing worn under a kilt ma’am. It’s all in perfect working order.”

  12. 12
    Karmela says:

    Off-topic here, but…

    Candyyyy…wassup with your reading list girlfriend?  The title of your blog is Smart Bitches, TRASHY Books.  We NEED you to evaluate the TRASHY books, not Musashi!  I’ve never read it myself, but I’m guessing that it’s…not.  Right?  THere are tons of reviewers out there reviewing Musashi-like books.  We need more reviewers like YOU and Sarah reading the non-Musashi books.

  13. 13
    Maili says:

    I’ve never read it myself, but I’m guessing that it’s…not.  Right?

    Hm … *remembering some hilariously bad dialogue in the book* … I think it is.

  14. 14
    Jennie says:

    A little off topic, but along with the cover snarks—what about really bad opening or book ending lines??

    I just finished Shadow Game by Christine Feehan (I know, I know, but I couldn’t help myself) and I kid you not—this was the ending line in the book…

    “Yeah, well, you gave me the hard-on, now you have to do something about it.”

    I flipped the page expecting more & there was a preview for another book.  I went to the author’s website to see if there was a missing page, chapter, anything, and there wasn’t.  No transition, no nothing, just “you made me horny, now get me off”

  15. 15

    “Yeah, well, you gave me the hard-on, now you have to do something about it.”

    Note he doesn’t specify what. So much leeway. It could involve a chocolate coating. Surgical tools. Giggling at it. Scotch-taping it to his thigh. As long as their partner does SOMETHING about it.

  16. 16

    Maybe you and last week’s Hot Buttsecks Wind Indian are Lairds of Brokeback Mountain?

    Priceless. Someone has to do that montage now.

  17. 17
    Mad'am Mim says:

    Lol this makes me think about the other book I have with a scotsman on the front, and two naked people laying in a feild of poseys on the back.
    Its called, ‘A Case of Nerves by Angie Kay’
    http://www.fictiondbc.com/Covers/0505523124.jpg
    Some serious big man boobies going on here lol. And just like it was said, legs apart, hands bent. I AM MAN HERE ME MEW?

  18. 18
    rebyj says:

    I think my older brother is the Laird of the Wind.. he hiked his leg up once and let it rip not knowing our minister was standing right behind him….

    i wonder if kilts flutter in the wind like my bro’s sweatpants did?

    great reviews!

  19. 19

    Just to amuse myself, I googled ‘romance book wind’. I don’t know if this one’s been snarked before, but it is just..priceless. It combines all the elements of the last few snarks: Horses, mantitty, wind, and buttsecks. Only SHE’S the one doing the penetration.

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0843947772/ref=sib_dp_top_fc/103-7538423-6313456?%5Fencoding=UTF8&p=S001#reader-link

  20. 20

    Stef—I especially like the “WTF?” expression on the horse’s face.

  21. 21
    Robyn says:

    And Stef- it’s John de Salvo, too!

  22. 22

    Bonus points! SWEET.

  23. 23

    Whaur mystick Druidick stanes staund prood
    By crumblin’ ruins wi’ vines bestrewed,
    Thare bide the lairds, o’ highland bluid,
    Wha’re ne’er fashed by the weather.
    Och, thay’re sae braw, thay need nae shirts,
    The cauld wind can thair nipples perk,
    Tae clean thair teeth thay hae thair dirks:
    Mon-tittie, i’ plaid an’ leather.

    Thair monly naitur maeks thaim terse,
    An haggis crisps maek thair braith worse,
    But lassies loue thair sexy Erse
    An that thay gae forever.
    Whan bitin’ midgies fill the sky,
    Whan douk’d i’ freezin’ loch naurby,
    Tha’ beastie ne’er seems to shy
    O’ houghmagandie i’ the heatherrrrrr.

    *ducks to avoid deadly swing of Maili’s claymore*

  24. 24

    EAP, I am humbled by your greatness.

  25. 25
    fiveandfour says:

    I especially like the “WTF?” expression on the horse’s face.

    It’s priceless!  Who knew horses could be so expressive?  They’re going to have to add that to a MasterCard commercial some day.

  26. 26
    Momiji says:

    I sumbit for your review:

    Langan’s cover

    Mark Dacascos

    Obviously Iron Chef America isn’t paying so well, if he’s doing this.

  27. 27
    Gabriele says:

    Evil Auntie, that’s hilarious.  🙂

    Just well I’ve learned long since that I better don’t drink anything when reading the Bitches blog. 😉

  28. 28
    Amy E says:

    EAP, I am rendered speechless by the sheer brilliance of your poem.  All I can think to say is…

    Och!  Och!  Och!

  29. 29
    erinbear0923 says:

    OMFG, that is great stuff! LOL!

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