Not work safe. Click at your own risk. Will cause searing eye pain. Etc.
Sarah: So this is what happened to Nelson.
Candy: Excellent! I always wanted a threesome involving a pair of meth-addicted brothers. I only hope they don’t mistake me for a giant cockroach and bludgeon me to death while they’re tweaking.
Sarah: “Wait a minute, guys. Her breasts have to be around here somewhere.”
But it took several more well-oiled, oddly muscled blondes to find that elusive mammary. Stay tuned for previews of the next episode of, “When Queers Hunt the Boobie.”
Candy: My friends recently introduced me to Magic Shell, which coats your ice-cream in a quick-freezing yet magically delicious chocolate shell. But I had NO IDEA they made a KY Jelly version of the stuff for porn star applications.
Sarah: Wow. Golly gee. What on earth can I say about this cover?
I’ll start with: did he glue a pelt to his chest or does he have tentacles instead of chest hair?
No, not the Swamp Thing. The other dude. Yeesh. It’s one thing to show copulating characters on your covers. It is another to make them all decrepit looking.
Candy: OK, so the guy? The one who’s hairy all over? I can’t help but wonder: is his cock-a-whoop hirsute as well? Because given his position and what he seems to be doing, this might give the term “hair plug” an entirely new meaning.
Sarah: “Dude. This is not working.”
“What?”
“Her holes are rubber.”
“So?”
“They squeak!”
Candy: This scenario is all wrong. The Carmen Electra doll should obviously be paired with the Antonio Banderas blow-up doll (With Realistic Genitalia).
Oh good lawd. I just injured myself repressing a massive snortle. Not that it matters, since I just hollered through the office “Smart Bitches has new cover snark up!”
Yeah, that’s right. I am converting new bitches, one cubicle at a time…
I love that you work at an office where you can holler about bitches, Smart or otherwise! That alone makes your job a total keeper!!
Speaking of snortle, from the Nelson website:
“Double-Platinum Champions of an American Entertainment Dynasty. Their songs transcend time.”
…the hell?!
And another gem: NELSON—music from yesterday, today and tomorrow.
I envision office cubicles all over the world where on Monday a large number of ladies (and a few discerning gentlemen) are taking breaks from the mindnumbing boredom of their jobs to view this week’s cover snark.
Really, the SB’s should be thanked by the HR departments of major employers. Who knows how many disgruntled employees have become gruntled after viewing the snark, mellowing out and not going out to get the semi-automatic from the trunk of the Taurus?
Candy. You JUST DISCOVERED Magic Shell?!?
I couldn’t believe that, either. A latecomer to the magic shell majesty!
And to think: that’s how I described Braxton-Hicks contractions to my midwife: it felt like someone poured Magic Shell on my belly. Magic Shell: it’s not just dessert. It’s a similie!
I know. Growing up, I never had anything resembling Magic Shell.
Please… don’t look at me… I’m hideous…
*curls into a ball*
So, like, the All Canadian Quest. Does it come with a portable quartz heater, eh? Cuz I’m not freezing my six-pack with those dudes.
Magic Shell was invented by a lonely boy with bad teeth and too much hair, working at a Dairy Queen in the outback of Roscoe, Texas. He was actually trying to invent a spray-on liner for his woman’s Ford F-150, but wound up with chocolate on white instead.
Regrettably, his invention was stolen by the corporate hacks at the Dairy Queen home office, one of whom ran off with his woman in her honkin’ truck, and Dairy Queen Boy faded into obscurity.
Until one fateful day, he found work as a cover model. At last, someone appreciated his plethora of hair! His only regret was the woman’s inability to look at him, dooming him to be a behind the scenes kinda guy.
*not a true story*
If you think I’m not looking up SilverQuest on The Cave, you’re mistaken. Because that shit is so gawd-awful wrong it’s got to be right.
Um um…I’ve never had Magic Shell.
It never seems possible that the covers can be any worse than the ones we’ve seen before, and yet somehow that’s exactly what happens each time. I keep thinking if they get bad enough, they might turn the corner back towards good…but it seems in reality there’s no such thing as “bad enough”, there’s only new and hideous ways to make people shudder.
Respectfully, fivenadfour, I must disagree. Yes, these are making me howl, but last week’s Swamp Thang is still giving me indigestion.
I also can’t spell – fiveANDfour – so sorry!
Must need more Tums…
When I win the lottery, I’m paying for a complete overhaul of all of EC’s cover art, as a service to mankind. Don’t get me wrong—this crazy shit has provided hours of snarkilicious fun for me. But after a certain point, these things are just so wrong that something’s gotta be done about them.
OH. MY. GOD. I had missed the Swamp Thing last week. You’re right, Stef, that was unbelievably foul. What part of scaly, presumably cold skin spells sexy? I thought the blotchy, perhaps furry skin on this week’s man-beast was the far outside of bad, but fish skin beats that all to hell. I feel for the poor writer(s).
“Wait a minute, guys. Her breasts have to be around here somewhere.â€
OMG, Sarah, I love you.
Hey, I found the scientific reason these covers are so creepy.
The “Uncanny Valley” is not the shadow effect under man titty after all!.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_Valley
The convergence of Nelson, meth, and a cockroach made me almost fall off my chair. And it just got better from there…
I have to admit though, the “When Queers Hunt The Boobie” was the best. Gold star to Sarah.
Oh sweet mother of all that is … what is going on with that strange hairy person(?), … bear(?), … un-necessarily furred alien(?)! My eyes!
All I can think is, “Here, Paddington, you hold her while I …” I’m going to stop that thought right there. Ew!!
Good research, Joyce. That’s exactly the problem with these covers.
“Silver Quest” wins this year´s “Worst of EVER cover” hands down. The vain attempt to make the bestiality taboo paletable failed sooo miserably.
That was fur on SilverQuest guy2? And here I thought it was mud slime. Mud puppy love. Ick. Now that I know it’s fur, the idea’s almost less icky, at least less icky than Mud puppy lovin’.