We Smart Bitches hereby decree that no author shall use the following words in any sex scene:
– Whorls (especially describing chest hair)
– Flat copper/flat penny (so as to describe nipples)
– Weeping / sobbing (if describing pussy)
– Tits
– Cringe-inducing oxymorons like “savage tenderness”
– Actually, just nix the word “savage” from love scenes, period
– Nobody’s voice is allowed to ache unless they have the flu
– Look, just let hair be hair, OK? Enough already with the “flowing locks” and “silken tresses” bullshit.
– Orbs
– Quivering mounds of ANYTHING—are you writing about blancmange or people?
– Love grotto
– Every time I read “dance as old as time,” it makes me so mad, I want to punch somebody in the crotch. HARD. So please don’t use it. Think of all the crotches you’re saving from my wrath.
– Just as the cunny is not a face and cannot weep or sob, the groinal region does NOT have a weather system; when you combine both and have an unlikely body part rain tears of desire, that just makes Baby Jebus rain many, many tears of sadness.
– Comparing a cock to a pointy weapon mostly makes us go “ow,” so enough with the love-spear, mmmkay?
– One word for seafood metaphors and similes: NO. Even if you think you’re being wildly imaginative and elegant with your salmon imagery, the answer is still NO. NO. NO.
– If coming makes your hero’s gut wrench or otherwise feel as if bits of his innards are going to be torn out, may we suggest that he have the physician check him for ulcerative colitis?
– Huskily. Do not use this word. Makes me think of corn silk, or tamales. Not sex. Capisce?
– There should be no yearning.
– Please avoid using any of the following: arousal, manhood, manroot, staff, hardened desire. That last one sounds like some cheese that went bad in my fridge.
– Avoid any description of the heroine’s legs. They are long? Lithe? Silky? Please. Spare me.
– Sing with me now: the words that cannot be separated, and yet, they should: veritable cornucopia… absolutely positively… winged eyebrows. Did birds land on her face? Is she some kind of mutant?
Please, add on!
But boy, do some of these words give me strange visuals. Somebody really ought to Photoshop some pix. Like the produce couple—her with raspberry nipples on apple breasts, peach-shaped butt and a pussy like a ripe plum (split, I’m assuming, because otherwise…), him with his manroot, which I always picture as one of those big white radishes, and more plums, or walnuts.
Hm. If I weren’t already bogged down with numerous work projects, I would definitely take that on as an illustration challenge. Plus, add whip cream, and I imagine that it makes very tasty sex!
Holy Lord I can’t stop laughing!
Candy is killing me.
Now imagine that there’s no pet bunny, and that by “bear trap,†I meant “his sphincter and prolapsed rectum.â€
I don’t know what any of these words really mean but I am terrified of googling them!
As for those who are trying to see TUBgirl – STOP!
I couldn’t believe that I actually clicked on Soni’s link but I saw kitten and thought ‘how bad can it be?’. Squeeeee! This time Curious Monkey didn’t get burned but no way in hell am I going to find the goatse man. NO WAY! In my little world Tubgirl is a photoshop illusion – NO, don’t ruin the moment!
And for the author’s freaking out about the clit. Pretty much anything works except pleasure centre. 😉
Also, I love the ‘punishing kiss’ and the rasping heroes AND grinding. What? Is that bad? But then again, I like dark books.
CindyS
Oh God I had to go and do it! Couldn’t see tub girl so googled. What a mistake! Need therapy now!
The other word I’d like to see the last of is plundering in relation to kissing. Sounds like some terrible looting by a conquering army. For some reason I also think of a sink plunger stuck to the poor heroine’s face.
Ok, Tubgirl is amazing, horrifying, disgusting & obscene in the worst way, but eelgirl (available through the same site) is nearly as bad. HOLY. COW.
EvilAuntiePeril, I just looked at tubgirl (damn my rampant curiosity…I figured it couldn’t be worse than the image I imagined from what was described here and MY GOD was I wrong!) and I have to say I’m in agreement with Candy’s Doing something a girl in a tub should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do. statement. IF one is going to do such a thing, I grant that the tub is the place to do it. I’m merely asserting that regardless of location, that’s just something one should never ever do. I mean, that is her face at the end of the rainbow, isn’t it? The unsanitary nature of it alone…
And when will I stop shuddering, for the love of Pete? Will I ever be able to shut my eyes and not see that? How long until the gagging dies down? My desperately inquiring mind wants to know.
*How long until the gagging dies down? My desperately inquiring mind wants to know.*
It’s been 2 days for me, and I’m still on the verge of hurling. Verily, I think I turned to a pillar of salt.
Thanks for tempting me to the evils of eel girl, Amanda. Somehow, even though it’s live (?) animals, it’s still not as gross as tubgirl. I decided to stop believing that there are things that people won’t do because, clearly, there are a number of people that sit around thinking of the most disturbing things to do and want to share with the rest of us. How nice!
As far as eeeevil phrases go, I’m surprised that this hasn’t come up yet, especially with all of the objections to grottoes of love and other geological features. How about volcanic imagery? Men who thrust into molten cores? Even better if the hero erupts into her slick, molten core. It always makes me think that I was right to be suspicious of the self-warming lubes.
And I absolutely HATE quim. Just read a series where the author uses that word exclusively in conjunction with core and it definitely muted what would have been some pretty hot sex.