We Smart Bitches hereby decree that no author shall use the following words in any sex scene:
– Whorls (especially describing chest hair)
– Flat copper/flat penny (so as to describe nipples)
– Weeping / sobbing (if describing pussy)
– Tits
– Cringe-inducing oxymorons like “savage tenderness”
– Actually, just nix the word “savage” from love scenes, period
– Nobody’s voice is allowed to ache unless they have the flu
– Look, just let hair be hair, OK? Enough already with the “flowing locks” and “silken tresses” bullshit.
– Orbs
– Quivering mounds of ANYTHING—are you writing about blancmange or people?
– Love grotto
– Every time I read “dance as old as time,” it makes me so mad, I want to punch somebody in the crotch. HARD. So please don’t use it. Think of all the crotches you’re saving from my wrath.
– Just as the cunny is not a face and cannot weep or sob, the groinal region does NOT have a weather system; when you combine both and have an unlikely body part rain tears of desire, that just makes Baby Jebus rain many, many tears of sadness.
– Comparing a cock to a pointy weapon mostly makes us go “ow,” so enough with the love-spear, mmmkay?
– One word for seafood metaphors and similes: NO. Even if you think you’re being wildly imaginative and elegant with your salmon imagery, the answer is still NO. NO. NO.
– If coming makes your hero’s gut wrench or otherwise feel as if bits of his innards are going to be torn out, may we suggest that he have the physician check him for ulcerative colitis?
– Huskily. Do not use this word. Makes me think of corn silk, or tamales. Not sex. Capisce?
– There should be no yearning.
– Please avoid using any of the following: arousal, manhood, manroot, staff, hardened desire. That last one sounds like some cheese that went bad in my fridge.
– Avoid any description of the heroine’s legs. They are long? Lithe? Silky? Please. Spare me.
– Sing with me now: the words that cannot be separated, and yet, they should: veritable cornucopia… absolutely positively… winged eyebrows. Did birds land on her face? Is she some kind of mutant?
Please, add on!
Darla said: “the produce couple—her with raspberry nipples on apple breasts, peach-shaped butt and a pussy like a ripe plum (split, I’m assuming, because otherwise…), him with his manroot, which I always picture as one of those big white radishes, and more plums, or walnuts.”
Giuseppe Arcimboldo got there first. Really. It’s art – people’s faces created out of fruit (mostly, he has some fish as well). And he’s from the sixteenth century and not at all pornographic, so it’s quite safe to google ‘Arcimboldo’. Not very pretty, but work-safe, and will only make you laugh if you’re thinking about ‘produce couple’ and the salmon metaphor.
I’m speechless! Weeping with laughter. Note, no other part of me is weeping. A warning should be posted not to read these comments while drinking. I’m still wiping wine off my screen.
“Doing something a girl in a tub should never, ever etc., do. “
Erm… *pedant alert* If someone intends to indulge in such activities, surely a large water-tight, spray-clean container with access to running water, a shower attachment and a drain are the best possible location? Or perhaps a horse trough if she was going for a historical setting. *end alert*
Anyhow, I’ve been home, gone to bed, gone to work and that picture will not go away. Therapy, please.
On the plus side, my current book at bedtime is the new Eloisa James, which is a cracking read (all the more so when compared with the dross that is the current commute book). Couldn’t help but notice that she’s not immune from the lexicon of eeeville (although she mercifully neither dribbles nor gushes), but since she doesn’t shovel one cliché on top of another I didn’t mind at all. Actually, it’s so good I doubt I’d have even noticed them if this discussion hadn’t tuned up my radar for such things.
I think all the Smart Bitches readers have broken the tubgirls site. I tried last night and this morning and get nothing but error messages when I try to pull up Encyclopedia Dramatica. It’s probably just as well. The Universe saving me from my own morbid curiosity.
Alas, I cannot get the Tubgirl to load. Perhaps we have created an equivalent to slashdotting – SmartBitching.
Or perhaps the internet has decided to be merciful unto me.
On the water theme,
“sea-shell scented folds”
that just pushes the “ick” button doesn’t it?
“Sea shell scented?!”
File that under “heroine needs to see the gyno, stat!”
Ya’ll are killing me. I’m in deep edit mode right now, and I just hit a love scene . . . I’m parsing every phrase and image.
Would it make Candy nuts? Would Evil Auntie Peril make fun of it? Does it contain any references to food (fruit, fish, or otherwise)?
And just what the hell do I call a clitoris in the 18th century—Assuming my characters aren’t up on their obscure 16th century medical texts, and calling it her amor Veneris or vel dulcedo—that won’t end up on this list?
If someone intends to indulge in such activities, surely a large water-tight, spray-clean container with access to running water, a shower attachment and a drain are the best possible location?
Excellent point, EAP. I rescind my comment. If a girl has to do what that girl is doing, then a tub would be it.
And to all of you wondering what to do about how to describe a clitoris and other fiddly bits of the anatomy—I think that deserves its own post. Stay tuned.
I agree with what everyone has said here. And furthermore, I don’t want to read about things that throb, swell, heave, stand proudly erect (what, it has FEET?!), or otherwise sound like it may explode or spit at any time! As for the winking orifice? Unless she is a mare in heat, no heroine should be subjected to that description of her desire for the hero. Yes, mares wink. They also drip, come to think of it. Eww. There was a mental image I didn’t need this morning! Eww. Time to go dump my coffee in the sink mehthinks… As for Tubgirl, my ISP won’t let me link to her either, so I guess my retinas are safe for another day (sigh).
What to call a clit, especially in historicals, can be tricky, and yes, sometimes you have to resort to nubbin, twiddly bits, etc. But one of my big pet peeves is to make the “discovery” of the clit such an almighty big deal. I highly doubt THAT many women were unaware of it.
IE: Drago caressed Lydia’s nubbin and she arched, having never dreamt such a feeling of pleasure could be attained through mere touch. To think, she’d had such a magical pleasure button twixt her nether lips and had never before realized it! It had taken the sweet, savage touch of this man, her gentle pirate, to show her just how wonderful bedplay could be…
BLERGH!
I blathered on about about nubbins just the other day but (sniffling) candy never calls or writes any more . . http://katerothwell.blogspot.com/2005/12/i-blogged-at-romance-unleashed.html
I wasn’t the only one to address the issue(?) tissue(?) I think it’s International Clit-Talk Week.
sitting in the dark, without a mirror even.
Kate
LOL I’ve had a rotten week. This was well needed.
Manroot makes me cackle everytime I hear it.
These are great.
I have been saved from Tubgirl (I tried to look LOL despite the warnings but it’s broken).
It .had taken the sweet, savage touch of this man, her gentle pirate, to show her just how wonderful bedplay could be…
Must stop spewing coffee all over my computer. E.D’Trix, you are my queen. I’ll get around to bowing down and kissing your feet—promise!—just as soon as I can stop laughing.
I really, really think we need a Bulwer-Lytton-esque bad sex scene contest (though I can already tell that E.D’Trix or EvilAuntiePeril will win).
“And to all of you wondering what to do about how to describe a clitoris and other fiddly bits of the anatomy—I think that deserves its own post. Stay tuned.”
Sitting here with both historical manuscripts open, ready to do a “univeral find/replace”….
Gentle pirate?
GENTLE PIRATE?
E.D’trix, that was cruel indeed. The only way you could’ve made it worse would be to use “gentle rogue” or “tender savage.” If you’d used those, I may have had to ban your IP.
Thank God for small favors, eh?
Hehehe! I knew that would get a rise out of ya… I almost went for ‘delicate molester’, but thought that might be taking it a bit too far. Although after Tub Girl? There is no such thing as too far here.
Just yesterday I read—in a new book, too, published in 2005—the words “punishing kiss.”
I thought that went out at the end of the 80s, along with long-tailed satin shirts & crimped hair.
Okay, I’m way late to the party, but I’ll add my two cents anyway. I don’t have anything to add about fruit body parts (although I when I read about raspberry nipples, I always think: Hmmm, get some olive oil and balsamic vinegar to go with those berries, and you’ve got a pretty good salad dressing. Guess that works if he’s got a cucumber-sized appendage.)
Anyway, you all know that word play using on “man root” was used in one of the skits on The Colbert Report last week, right? I can’t remember what he was talking about, but the message that flashed up during his report was…. MAN ROOT. The studio audience cracked up and I snarfed my diet coke.
I’m sure it’ll be replayed sometime soon. Or someone who posts here regularly has Tivo’d it.
Doh! I meant to write that the skit was a subliminal message or double speak one, which made the use of the Man Root flash on screen so funny.
jmc
My two cents:
I don’t think anyone should RASP anything in the heat of passion. It makes me think the hero/heroine have terrible smoker’s voice.
But I love, Love, LOVE the word “savage.” Sorry.
I’m outie.
forgot one fruit—plump, plum-colored or plum-shaped ends of men’s genitals. Make those go away, please.
I don’t mind an *occasional* shudder but all vibrating, quivering, convulsing, or quaking must stop. It’s too scary. Pulsing, jerking, trembling and spasming should also be limited.
[time for a quick word search through my own stuff]
What about parody? I’ve got a romance-novel parody running on my site, surely “silken tresses” is acceptable in that context!
LC
I’ve seen clitoris described as “her most sensitive place.” I don’t mind that, really … but it has reminded me of the pop slang about “going to one’s happy place.”
Yes, help these poor writers. What if their heroines aren’t bluestockings who have learned the Latinate? Not sure that vocabulary word was taught in finishing school, along with needlework. Or by the nuns in the convent. Among the helpful sources of information for heroines …
1) Not sure that the helpful, motherly housemaid, who’s possibly illiterate, would know it.
2) Probably the sharp-tongued dragon of an older lady who still powders her hair and who’s slightly deaf … now she’d have learned it, from French pornography. But would the heroine be brave enough to ask?
Until the heroine met her own personal sharp-tongued dragon of an older lady, or met the hero—who’s usually responsible for her sex education, nine out of 10 times—the sensation and the physical effects would be familiar, yes, but maybe it would be, for a while, The Thing That Has No Name.
I gotta defend the punishing kiss. Sometimes that’s what it is.
Ever had angry make-up sex?
Ever had a guy kiss you to shut you up?
Ever had sex with someone in a highly emotional state (like, say, his grandfather’s funeral) where he’s mad at himself for doing it, but he needs pure physicality of it?
I’m ok with being a slutty, inappropriate sex girl, and I’ve had more than a few punishing kisses in the afore mentioned scenarios. So I’m gonna use the phrase when if feels right (just like I maintain the right to play a little Gene Loves Jezebel or Jellyfish when the situation calls for it).
The Thing That Has No Name.
Too close to “the love that dares not speak its name” for me. LOL!
What’s his hand doing, where does he think he’s . . . OMG! He touched THE THING THAT HAS NO NAME. Don’t! That’s my special thing. I mean, do. Please, do. Touch the THING again. TOUCH IT!
I actually found tubgirl. I had to search. Damn curiousity.
I had to laugh at the one I saw, because the labia etc. had that comp. generated ‘fuzz/obscure’ effect.
Really, that was too much but the rest was o.k.??
Manroot gets me too. I think of ‘grow your own man’ though…or maybe plant him with that part down??
I don’t like the nipples soooo hard they poke through multiple layers of clothing (some of them pretty darn thick).
Either those are super-long nips…or knives…
Sam….
Tonda, of course I agree that there is such a thing as a “punishing kiss.” I’d just like to hear another phrase used to describe it; it sounds hopelessly purple & dated to my ears. After all, there are lots of other words to describe angry sex.
“Oh, and Tubgirl? Is FOUL. I mean, if you’ve seen the Goatse man (and Goatse man is bad enough to make you want to cry, throw up and run away screaming, all at the same time), Tubgirl is actually EVEN WORSE THAN THE GOATSE MAN.”
I am having PTSD from looking at the Tubgirl picture, so I’m glad you warned me about Goaste man. When I got the error on the encyclopedia dramatica, I goggled Tubgirl and got a page with links to both pictures—sort of a which is the worse type of thing. Now I KNOW I cannot look at Goaste man. But can you give me a hint—just to save myself additional mental rehabbing??
As for the lexicon of evil, YES, YES, YES! I truly believe that a lot of these descriptions keep circulating because some writers just go into auto-pilot when they write a sex scene. I mean, when you think of the sheer NUMBER of Romances published over the years, how many authors can be mindful enough to throw off the influence of all the books they’ve read. That’s why, IMO, we are so wonderfully surprised when someone has the talent and the presence of mind to do something new, or at least something emotionally authentic.
As for the word “cunny”—I like it, the cunning reference included. Along with “quim,” I think it allows for a certain sense of softness that’s not synonymous with “docile” or “pliant” or “passive” or all those feminine markers. Since so many of the sexual epithets derived from women’s body parts are harsh sounding, I’m not yet at a point where those words (i.e. cunt) feel completely rescued or transformed when I read them.
Women’s pelvises that SNAP up to meet each of the hero’s trusts …
I’ve read that a few times and always expect the next line to be, “Shit, honey! Call my chiropractor!”
I’m outie,
“I actually found tubgirl. I had to search. Damn curiousity.
I had to laugh at the one I saw, because the labia etc. had that comp. generated ‘fuzz/obscure’ effect.
Really, that was too much but the rest was o.k.?? “
La Tub comes to us from Japan, where explicit, non-medical depictions of genitalia are illegal, giving rise to the unintentional hilarity of towering poop fountains being A-OKAY but something as sane and simple as the human afro clam being tucked modestly away behind a mosaic blur like a protected trial witness.
…human afro clam…
Best. Euphemism. EVAR.
I was telling Sarah earlier that I’m SO PROUD that Smart Bitches is introducing the world of filthy Internet icons like Tubgirl and Goatse man to romance readers at large, not to mention a number of exotic, filthy sexual practices. I mean, what other romance novel site talks about things like donkey-punching, the dirty sanchez, Cleveland steamers and pornographic spam haiku, eh? Obviously, we’re providing a vital informational service. V I T A L.
And Robin, re: the Goatse man:
He’s kind of hard to describe. Picture, if you will, a naked man trying to hold open a bear trap. He’s really putting some muscle into it and holding the trap as wide open as possible, because the bear trap, it holds his beloved bunny wabbit, and he wants the bunny to run free, free.
Now imagine that there’s no pet bunny, and that by “bear trap,” I meant “his sphincter and prolapsed rectum.”
Nope. Can’t get behind the punishing kiss or the mad-as-hell sex. If my man gets near me wanting nookie when I’m seriously angry, he’s gonna lose a testicle.
To quote Katie MacAlister’s “Improper English”:
No throbbing. Nothing should throb. It sounds like it’s infected.
In the same book with the sea-shell scented folds was this little gem
“his sharp male nipples”
What else would his nippels be? Female? Goat?
And Sharp? It must be the grey slime thing from the last cover snark.
Mia,
Thank you for the info. At least that made me laugh at the pix..instead of hurl on the keyboard.
Sam…
Hey, I had raspberry nipples once! When I started nursing my first child, my nips looked like big, purple-red, cracked & bleeding raspberries. Ah, the powerful joys of motherhood.
And let me second the objection to plummy cocks. There is nothing that takes me out of a love-secene quicker than a big ol’ plum at the end of a penis. Ew. And please say nothing about veins.
Also, “mat,” “forest,” and “blanket” should not be used in reference to chest hair.
He’s a man, not an unwashed bear.
Tennis Ball ended is worse than plum ended.
What about the ones the heroine can’t fit her hands around? I’d say call a doctor for the reduced brain blood flow.
Oh, Miz Candy, I agree. In a perverse way it’s kind of charming to see that things like donkey-punching and La Tub still have the power to shock. It’s like seeing a puppy putting his feet in snow for the first time, or like those pictures of Ron Jeremy being shown Goatse-Man. Smart Bitches is bringing the whole internet together with scat queens and ass contortionists! Really, isn’t that what John Lennon would’ve wanted?
(If it makes anyone feel any better, rumor has it that that’s orange juice that La Tub is shooting. She’s just concerned about her calcium and folic acid intake!)