We Smart Bitches hereby decree that no author shall use the following words in any sex scene:
– Whorls (especially describing chest hair)
– Flat copper/flat penny (so as to describe nipples)
– Weeping / sobbing (if describing pussy)
– Tits
– Cringe-inducing oxymorons like “savage tenderness”
– Actually, just nix the word “savage” from love scenes, period
– Nobody’s voice is allowed to ache unless they have the flu
– Look, just let hair be hair, OK? Enough already with the “flowing locks” and “silken tresses” bullshit.
– Orbs
– Quivering mounds of ANYTHING—are you writing about blancmange or people?
– Love grotto
– Every time I read “dance as old as time,” it makes me so mad, I want to punch somebody in the crotch. HARD. So please don’t use it. Think of all the crotches you’re saving from my wrath.
– Just as the cunny is not a face and cannot weep or sob, the groinal region does NOT have a weather system; when you combine both and have an unlikely body part rain tears of desire, that just makes Baby Jebus rain many, many tears of sadness.
– Comparing a cock to a pointy weapon mostly makes us go “ow,” so enough with the love-spear, mmmkay?
– One word for seafood metaphors and similes: NO. Even if you think you’re being wildly imaginative and elegant with your salmon imagery, the answer is still NO. NO. NO.
– If coming makes your hero’s gut wrench or otherwise feel as if bits of his innards are going to be torn out, may we suggest that he have the physician check him for ulcerative colitis?
– Huskily. Do not use this word. Makes me think of corn silk, or tamales. Not sex. Capisce?
– There should be no yearning.
– Please avoid using any of the following: arousal, manhood, manroot, staff, hardened desire. That last one sounds like some cheese that went bad in my fridge.
– Avoid any description of the heroine’s legs. They are long? Lithe? Silky? Please. Spare me.
– Sing with me now: the words that cannot be separated, and yet, they should: veritable cornucopia… absolutely positively… winged eyebrows. Did birds land on her face? Is she some kind of mutant?
Please, add on!
Oh. Soni.
Oh. God help us all.
Bleargh.
“Rampant” is, I believe, a heraldic term which describes creatures that have reared up on their hind legs. So I wouldn’t mind seeing it in a medieval romance, but I agree, it’s been overused and the author would have to put a spin on it to “make it new.”
As I’ve said before, I have a problem with “manroot,” mainly because I picture a mandragora or mandrake plant—the plant that screamed in pain when it was uprooted. This is not an image that I want in my head during a tender love scene.
I want to add that I’d accept some of these Romance descriptive Word “macros” if they were used in a really knowing, campy way. Sometimes, it’s im the delivery.
Okay, I am suffering from gut wrenching laughter…
My two biggest issues are
1. Nether lips. If you’re using Middle English to describe a body part, you’ve got a problem.
2. Dip, as in “Dip his manroot”. Oy! Are we checking the oil here or having sex?
In addition to the dodgy food/fruit/fabric/liquid metaphors already mentioned, the following expressions need to go:
Raven-haired
Lithe motion
Slim but well-curved (whether an oxymoron or plastic-boobed supermodel-alike heroine, neither is good)
Rippling muscles…
…over bronzed skin
The endearment “little one” (not big, not clever)
Hair-roughened skin (unless we speak of the Amazing Poser Hedgehog Man)
Violent tremors (too seismic)
Tender flesh. Flesh is a really over-used noun and tender flesh just makes me think of roast chicken. Scoring tender flesh is what you do prior to dumping it in marinade.
Rock wall of his chest. Twenty years on it still creeps in… good grief, why not just hand patronising critics a big pointy stick and hold an arrow over our nether cheeks?
Sandalwood-scented heroes. Granted, it’s a nice smell but its recent ubiquity is beginning to make me think that all these whiffy guys hang out in incense-laden hippy cafes in their down-time. And that brings to mind shaggy afghan coats and beading. Despite the efforts of those writers whose books passionately embrace the word “savage” and race off with it to new verbal frontiers, this is not romantic. Therefore from now on these redolent heroes should be limited to one per author. (see? I can be nice)
Would love a moratorium on many of the words that contain the spelling “gu”+ vowel. Words like rogue, beguile, languor, anguish, unguent, intrigue, fatigue, sanguine, jaguar and derivatives thereof. Tongue is okay since there aren’t any good alternatives. Yes, they look very evocative, but they’re just so easily overdone. For writers hopelessly in the grip of addiction to this particular orthographic tic, here are some other options: iguana, dengue, meringue, penguin. (Perhaps FerfeLaBat’s book could be entitled “Dengue Night of the Savage Meringue Iguana”?)
Portals are never the entrance to a person’s bedroom unless they are the pope.
Curiosity has killed me.
Why, oh why do I have to be such a curious monkey.
Soni, I may never forgive you. I was expecting a fun cartoon. Blergh.
*gag*
CindyS
Oh my. Tubgirl has been invoked. I’m not sure anything or anyone can top that.
Hooray for the Internet.
Excellent lists all around! And:
“Portals are never the entrance to a person’s bedroom unless they are the pope.”
And similarly, portals are never an entrance to a person’s orifice.
Unless they are the pope.
*ba-dum-tish*
Ahhhh, come ON! That was a gimme! I HAD TO TAKE IT!
agreed. CindyS. Why did I go there. Soni, that was not enough warning. I blame you for my deteriorating mental state.
I wouldn’t want to see rampant member outside an historical, but as “rampant†means rearing (and in heraldry, often depicts a rearing animal with a hard on) I’ve got no problem with a hero with a rampant member (though none of mine has had one to date).
As for the old Dance as old as Time, am I the only one that can’t help but see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast ballroom scene and hear Angela Lansbury singing “Tale as old as time, Song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast�
“portals are never an entrance to a person’s orifice”
…portals? …or petals?
And thus we come full circle. But I have surely read “his manhood knocked at the portal of her desire”, or some such phrase so big points to Candy. Ain’t love a beautiful thing?
BTW just how bad (ie non-work-safe) is tubgirl? Am I going to have to check this out anonymously at some internet cafe in Soho to avoid arrest?
I have edited so many uses of “lathe” for “lave” that my nipples are ready to fall off in sympathy.
Oh, and let’s not forget saliva drying (or shining) on skin. I’ve seen that Many-O-Time. I think the sensory image the author is trying to conjure is that of the cool air on the wet skin, but…ick.
Oh, EAP. It is BAD. Please, for the love of your retinas, jog and psyche, DO NOT LOOK.
Crap! The above should read: Retinas, JOB and psyche…
Well that settles it. Now compelled to satisfy curiousity in ce soir at Smutty Mike’s “european” dvd, martial (sic) aids and internet emporium in big hat to conceal screen, identity and blushes. May even look for a novelty nubbin-lather. Hope I don’t run into the ex.
Apropos those narrow-waisted, big-boobed, tiny-bottomed heroines: it really riles me when the author (usually disguised as a French maid or dressmaker) smugly points out that “oo-la-la Madamoiselle, you do not even require ze corsette to look simply enchanté in ze fashions of ze day.”
i can only think of one that is really objectionable to me right now and that is *pussy fur* It was used in a historical and every time the hero asked the heroine to shave her pussy fur or talked about pussy fur, I wanted to shred something.
I will concur with the others who said some of the things you listed depend on the skill with which they’re delivered. You specifically targeted “huskily” but some people would object to adverbs of any nature, not just that one in particular.
And Ellen? Please…noooooo 😉
I read a book once where the penis was referred to as a “glowing wand” – but since the guy was wearing one of those glow-in-the-dark condoms I thought it more funny than annoying.
…I have surely read “his manhood knocked at the portal of her desireâ€, or some such phrase so big points to Candy. Ain’t love a beautiful thing?
Emma Holly is very, very fond of referring to the woman’s thang as her “gate.” I’ve also read other authors using portal to describe said thang.
Portal, frankly, makes me think of bad SF/F—portals to other dimensions, portal to hell, etc., with attendant scariness. And really, my puss? Is not a scary place. I prefer to think of it as a happy theme park, where everybody gets ice-cream after the ride if they behave nicely.
Oh, and Tubgirl? Is FOUL. I mean, if you’ve seen the Goatse man (and Goatse man is bad enough to make you want to cry, throw up and run away screaming, all at the same time), Tubgirl is actually EVEN WORSE THAN THE GOATSE MAN.
So of COURSE you have to check it out. I mean, c’mon. Y’all are obviously suckers for punishment; why else would you come back again and again for Covers Gone Wild every week?
I think pussy fur just broke me.
Eep!
I’m surprised no one has mentioned “turgid tumescence.” Oh, and breasts that “ache” and “swell” and generally makes me think of pregnancy boobs. I also don’t like mound, sheath, rod, shaft, or staff.
*At this point if someone complimented me on my great tits, I’d probably hump his leg.*
OMG! Thanks, Shannon. It’s been a seriously shitty past couple of days – so I came where I always know I can laugh – and I about rolled out of my chair. HaHaHaHaHa!!!!!
I just wanna know – how can a woman with size Bs, sag? It is SO unfair! I should have kept nursing the last baby – so what she’s 19?
And all of you are making me hiccup – THIS is exactly why I can’t write love scenes for squat. Any euphemism I come up with makes me laugh. If I write it how I see it – which is realistic, it’s not ‘romantic’ enough.
Hey, here’s an idea – come here and say what you DO like to see in a love scene.
And whoever posted the link to tubgirl – I want to send you a fruitcake. That was, bar none, the most ghastly, disgusting thing I’ve EVER seen. EVER!!!
Dear Lord—I looked. I wasn’t going to look—I had refrained from looking. But then everyone who looked kept saying it was ghastly and I just couldn’t imagine how anything called “tubgirl” could be that bad.
So, I looked at tubgirl.
Now, I’m trying desperately to poke out my mind’s eye as the image has been burned there. And probably permanently.
I need a medic.
Okay, I definitely need more caffeine.
Cliches suck. Unfortunately, perhaps because of it’s long history of being controlled by puritanical types, the English language does not have a lot of words for male and female genitalia that aren’t considered crude.
This isn’t a big problem if you aren’t writing sex scenes that are terribly graphic. If you are, however, you can get brain strain trying to both convey mood AND describe action AND not use terms that are either overly florid or overly clinical.
Does that excuse those writers who take the easy way out and use the standard romance cliches? Never. But I have to point out that so far no one has suggested an alternative for “clit” suitable for a historical. Or, for that matter, for any other book where the author would prefer not to use it.
Ditto for describing orgasms, keeping in mind that the point is not a medical report but an emotional engagement of the reader. And keep in mind I don’t disagree with ANY of the examples listed—especially those that suggest a need for medical attention.
Criticizing is easy. Doing is hard. 🙂
That said, however, don’t entirely blame the writers. I know for a fact there are publishers, especially of erotic romance, who won’t accept anything less than drenched panties and pouting nether lips.
Now, my personal favorite is the Caucasian virgin who is described as having “huge brown nipples.” Yeah. Okay.
As for violet eyes, I have two words: Elizabeth Taylor.
Is it impertinent for me to suggest that the Lexicon of Eeeeeeevil be joined forever and forever with that list of lists, 15 Things that Only Happen in Romance (even though it turned out to be like, a hundred)? Honestly, in what other genre would one find a furry pussy? Any and all animal studies not withstanding.
It could be called “The Lexicon of Eeeeeevil Things that Only Happen in Romance or Animal Husbandry.â€
Yea! I’m so tired of reading about the hero ‘parting her dewy petals’. Absolutely fabulous list of “What not to use”.
I think we need to start a list for more contemporary books too. For example, I was reading a book that was going very well, great dialog, hot imagry, etc… until the author used the phrase “chocolate starfish” in one of her sex scenes. That killed the rest of book. I still crack up when I think about it. And while I’m on that subject – does anyones else have a problem when that orifice is described as “winking”? WTF?
What do you think? Worthy of a new list?
Gari
Does anyones else have a problem when that orifice is described as “winking�
Anyone else blinding by the memory of the singing asshole in Fink Flamingos?
Pink Flamingos. PINK!!!
No more typing for me today! That should have read:
Anyone else BLINDED by the memory of the singing asshole in PINK Flamingos.
Grrrrrrrr.
No more innocence here.
Tubgirl: eeeeeeeeeeeeeevilllll!!!!
okay, can someone please give some clue about tubgirl? I’m dying of curiosity, but am terrified of scarring my brain.
It’s a picture of a girl.
In a tub.
Doing something a girl in a tub should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do.
And that’s all I’m going to say about it. If you want to know more, please join the Sisterhood of Permanently Scarred Retinas and view the picture yourself.
Just posting to say that when I visited the home page it said, Comments (69)
Heh heh. sixty-nine.
(Course now mine is number 70 and I killed the joke.)
Mother of God – stop talking about it!!! I was just getting to mere nausea – now I’m back to Hurl in a Hurry.
Shannon – get back in here and talk about tits, willya?
Tubgirl. Oh. My. God. I just had to look… Whyohwhyohwhy? I think I’m scarred for life.
Who on earth says to his flatmate over the breakfast cornflakes, “Y’know, our lives need a bit of spicing up. How ‘bout we combine our somewhat mundane hobbies of nude photography and diy enemas to come up with something really fun and unique! Isn’t your downstairs neighbour that female contortionist who isn’t at all squeamish? She can come too!”
(hope that’s enough of a hint – am really trying very hard not to mentally dwell on the subject)
But not too scarred to note the use of the phrase “her hot, moist place” during my commute read. Ah… That would be the armpit, right? It’s where his fingers worked their magic, so probably not the sauna. Unless it was coin-operated.
Tubgirl. *inhales mightily in an attempt to contain vomitous impulse*
Don’t do it. Find a safe place stocked with unexpired canned goods and stay there until that storm has blown over.
DON’T DO IT. Wear sweatshirts with macramé and tapered jeans with elastic waists. Even those horrors are better than tubgirl. You’ll go blind.
Thank you, EAP, for giving me just enough info to satisfy my curiosity, and convince me that no, I do not need to see tubgirl for myself. I truly appreciate it.
I’m actually trying to write a sex scene today, and now I’m full of cliche anxiety.
Hey Candy,
Maybe instead of a break-up story contest, you could have a love scene contest….
whatchu think? Possible maybe?
Oh, and for those who think we’re exaggerating about tubgirl; just remember we told you so when you run off to look.
-Mel
it’s hours later and still . . .
Soni?
You owe us the bucks to pay for a big ol’ group therapy session.
Auntie, I’m SO with you on the sandalwood thing. I love the way it smells, and one of my heroes used sandalwood-scented soap—that is, until I discovered that hundreds of writers had pretty much sent sandalwood off into cliché-land. It’s another one of those areas where I wonder if a lot of them actually know what it smells like or if they just picked it up from seeing the description in dozens of other novels.
Funny you should also mention armpits, Auntie. I remember reading somewhere that sandalwood smells just like a pheromone that’s present in underarm sweat!
Okay, Devon, you’re off the hook. Rampant male bits running around will not give me the slightest pause after viewing tubgirl.
Where can I join the group therapy sessions?
“Glistening,” particularly when used to describe pubic hair. ew Ew EW!
My curiosity can now resist tubgirl, thanks to EvilAuntiePearl’s description.
Sheesh you guys! YOu don’t need therapy. You just need to be distracted for a while by having your glistening petals parted by a glowing rampant manroot while someone else lathes your coppery nipples. LOL!
And really, you brought it on yourselves. How much warning do you need to know not to look? I quite clearly referenced gushing orifaces plus Internet graphics burn out. And I couldn’t even bring myself to post the direct link (only a near miss work around), and you know what sort of horrors get directly linked to around here on a regular basis.
*wanders off muttering to self and rubbing hands*
And now phase one of my eeeeevvviiiill plan to rule the world through exposure to mind-altering Internet graphic memes is complete. Step two – 5 million of these plastered all over the blogosphere! The whiplash alone will cripple the online economy. Bwahhahhahhhahahhah.
http://kittenwar.com/kittens/21034/?PHPSESSID=3b6fee7324808cfe7ce6d8b160fb31bf