It’s probably a good idea to drop these “below the fold” so to speak, as some of them are, well, no, they’re all pretty damn egregious, just in different ways.
This week: another set of cover art figures that kinda resemble celebrities.
Sarah:It’s New Year’s Resolution time again, and we here at the Smart Bitchery think there are several poor habits that need breaking and fast. Let’s start with the obvious: Stop using Poser. Just stop. Everyone. Step away from the Poser and no one gets hurt.
Second, stop gluing your girlfriend’s hair in your armpits. That’s just gross.
Third, stop using the Nelson twins as inspiration for your covers.
Candy: What the guy doesn’t know is that the woman has slipped something into his drink—a very powerful drug that causes his boobs to grow upward, upward, ever upward until they crush his trachea and thereby end his life.
Sarah:Wait, isn’t that Christine Taylor? Only with dark hair and a broken neck?
Who is that with her? Chris Noth with long hair? And what’s wrong with his fingers?
Candy She can bend her head at that alarming ninety-degree angle because she’s a wind-up doll, not unlike the female wabbit dolls Elmer Fudd would sic on Bugs. Trust me: 5 seconds after this shot was taken, there was a loud “BOOM!” and homeboy there was left with that stupid pucker still on his face, except his face was comically singed, his eyes were wide, wide open and his hair was standing up in fright-spikes.
Sarah:Don’t tell me; Will Farrell and Christina Aguilera? In a swamp? With a blue dragon? It’s a very beefy Will Farrell, though. Not only do we have major man-titty action, but what’s that about to bust through his trousers? Is his little dragon coming out to play?
Candy: I get it now, I really do: dragon = massive wang. Please stop hitting me over the head with it, because really, I don’t enjoy being slapped in the face with massive, scaly cocks (either literal or representational) until I get to know the person much, much better.
As for the lusty concealed weapon yon shirtless wonder is sporting: I have a feeling that he and the bassist from Spinal Tap have a lot in common. A LOT. I just hope he doesn’t have to go through any airport metal detectors any time soon.
Sarah:WHY GOD WHYYYY?! This is just … I don’t… DUDE. “The Sex is Out There?” I don’t even know what to say. Artfully coiffed Mulder-lookalike grabbing onto a Scully with big huge boobies and porn star hair?
I’m howling. In pain.
Candy: I find it funny that this book is supposedly written by a woman, and is presumably meant for a female audience, yet SCULLY is the one who’s tarted up to hell and back. What the hell? Does the audience for this book consist mostly of lesbians with hairspray and giant mammary fetishes?
Sarah: NO NO NO NOT MORE please do NOT tell me there’s MORE.
Now Porn Hair Scully is posing in front of the White House while artfully coiffed Mulder tries to see around her gigangic bazoombas. But he can’t because they block the sun, leading many to believe in an alien conspiracy to block the source of earth’s heat through giant porny boobs.
Candy: The truth is out there, i.e., the name of Scully’s plastic surgeon and why he made her breasts large enough to smuggle more than enough cocaine to choke all of West Hollywood.
Ohmigod, Scully with giant, plastified, round boobs! Who’s signing off on this stuff? Doesn’t anyone at these publishing houses believe in editorial oversight?
I need to go scrub my eyeballs now.
You know a scaley cock isn’t good, even on a dragon.
The tag line on the sex files is alarming, does it mean out in the darkness, or out as in totally ick?
The whole take off thing is off putting anyway.
The Sex is Out There?
*howling*
Scummy and Moldy…ummm Slutty and Musky….errr what were there names again?
Anyway…they never looked better
*snort*
please, the badly written fanfics that the companies publish that are episode based are bad enough.
truthfully thoughits the ‘beyond the clouds’ cover that scares em the worst. its something about the way her hair disapears for where his mouth is… it kind of looks like her hair has disappeared so his face could decend. also, her eyes look more than a little dead.
and why is canada curesed witht he stupid looking guys. i mean. what military person in their right mind would wear ugly, illfitting pants, no shirt and a buret. also, the dragon scares me.
They all scare me, but I think Beyond the Clouds is the most skeevy. That cover’s creation clearly owes too much to magazines, scissors, and glue.
“Beyond the clouds”, It looks like she is waiting for a response to the so profound statement she just made but he just fell asleep on the side of her weirdly twisted up face. Bad cover and what were they thinking to ok this “snoring on the heroine” cover?
Stunning. Simply stunning. My faves out of all of these are the seX files. I particularly love how they took actual photos of mulder and scully and photoshopped them *just* enough to prevent lawsuits. At least, they hope it was enough…
Long live Hooty McScully!
OMG! The sex is out there? Were we searching for it? What I can’t get over is how out of proportion they are on THE HOWLING cover. Why is she so small?
Deck the books with Poser covers,
Fallout from the fringe of fetish art.
Man-beasts maul their zombie lovers,
Following the fumes of floral fart.
Huntress playing find the nubbin
Feels the twin heads of Swamp Thing’s manpart.
Troll-size men who grip their “club” in
Tiny hands to feign girth off the chart.
See, their cold, dead eyes are staring,
Looking blankly out from clammy skin.
Strike no match – the flesh they’re baring’s
Flammable ‘cos it’s preserved in gin.
Android vamps up the back alley
Chiropractors’ in their quest for quim.
Dark side of the hidden valley
Where suspicious bulge cloaks phantom limb.
Fast decay after necrosis
Causes peeling skin of ghastly hue.
Body-snatchers start mitosis
Cloning has-been stars patched up with glue.
Blow in valve, pump boobies bigger
Astroglide holds up the porn star ‘do
Tasty ‘tween-meal snack since rigor
Mortis gives a dragon more to chew.
…I’m not getting any Christmas presents now, am I?
I don’t know… Yes, we all know that e-books/self-publishers have horrible sims-in-lust covers. But you’ve snarked on them the last 5-6 Cover Snark entries. Not that they don’t deserved it, but it’s just too easy. You used to do a lot of “real” romance covers, I can’t believe you’ve run out of snark fodder there! 😉 Why not save the venom for those who really deserve it – publishers who pay their art departments real money to foist their crappy covers on us?
Dissing e-book covers is like shooting fish in a barrel. Has anyone ever seen one that they liked? That was beautifully done or had any artistic value to them? I sure haven’t.
OMG, EvilAuntiePeril, curses on you for making me snort hot chai. On the bright side, my sinuses are clear for the first time since fall. I don’t ever remember singing this version in my caroling days, but, oh, how I wish we had…..
EvilAuntiePeril, I absolutely love your wordcrafting. You matched the original in both syllables and meter, AND it’s funny. You totally rock. 🙂
It can’t be that hard to get decent covers can it? Pay some impoverished art student, run a competition, do something other than those terrible covers. If only romance writers could have some of these covers.
http://tinyurl.com/buaes
EAP, you rock! I think Santa should bring you something very special this year. Just don’t ask him if that’s a small lump of coal in his pocket.
>>Dissing e-book covers is like shooting fish in a barrel. Has anyone ever seen one that they liked? That was beautifully done or had any artistic value to them? I sure haven’t.<
<
Go to EPIC’s site and look at this year’s Ariana winners:
http://www.epicauthors.org/quasars-best-winners2006.html
These are all ebook covers. Also, I’d like to put in a plug for my cover artist, Trace Edward Zaber. He’s done all three of my ebook and print covers and I love them. They’re tasteful and romantic. You can see them at my website, http://www.darlenemarshall.com
Darlene, you are lucky to have such a good designer. Also, the Ariana winners are fab. The face in the snow is just the right thing for creep factor. I also liked the first cover although the person was a little stiff but let’s just say, those do not even compare to what has been brought before us. Thanks for opening my eyes to some good works from E-pubs
EAP – never change!
CindyS
So I thought nothing would make me laugh harder than “The Sex Is Out There” (wtf?) until I read EAP’s comment.
The creepy chick on the Clouds cover makes me think Audrey Hepburn for some reason. The dude is from some period drama but I haven’t placed him yet.
As for the last two covers, X files should sue. :p
EAP
I had to print out your lyrics. They are near my computer in the hovel which is sometimes called “My Office.” HA!
Thank you, thank you for brightening my holidays!
EAP, it’s been said many times, but it’s worth repeating. THAT ROCKS!!!
There is a way to pin down some obscure celebrity lookalikes – there is a site called myheritage.com that has a free facial comparison program. It’s interesting… largely influenced by the angle of the head, I think.