And because we’re doing more Poser covers, you know what this means:
Fug content: Unrelenting.
Nudity: Rampant. Rar!
Risk to your retinas: Moderate to moderately high.
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Sarah: I prophecy that in the Dragon/Human Three-Legged Race at this year’s Otherworldy Ren Faire, that man will fall down on his ass, and the dragon, having placed a bet against their team, will win enough to buy a biiiig roasting pit so as to cook his little human friend for dinner. Because damn, those thighs have a LOT of meat.
Candy: Dragon sodomy. DRAGON SODOMY. Oh fuck. The humanity.
And you know why his legs are so well-developed. I mean, c’mon. This guy’s equipment wouldn’t be nearly big enough to satisfy the needs of Draco, here.
Sarah: A man called Lust. An artist called Sucky. And a cover called Damn Hell That is Creepy as All Get Out.
I mean, what can be said about a Man called Lust that hasn’t been said already? The white hair, the dark eyebrows, the vacant, disturbed expression… the pants conveniently unbuttoned for easy access to Lust’s Lusty Lingam? It’s all just too much. I have to go lie down.
Candy: No, Sarah, don’t lie down! That’s exactly what he wants you to do! IT’S A TRAP!
Sarah: Apparently, she did a very tanned Jim Carrey SIM.
And I know what she didn’t do last summer – get a freaking haircut.
Candy: Hmmm. The guy (and I use the term “guy” loosely, since he’s only vaguely human-ish) reminds me more of Willem Dafoe.
And I know who she did last summer, too. And so do the Dallas Cowboys. I’m just sayin’.
Sarah: I probably should be asking, “Is this a play on the word “seal?” Are they selkies? Is this a neat selkie sex novel I’d like?
But instead, my brain is too busy asking, “Is that a pair of dudes? Or chicks? I mean, the man-titty indicates SIMman, but the shapely waist indicates SIMFemme. The musculature of the stomach seems to indicate male, but then, the hair? The expression, the defined waist and flared hips?
What is this, an androgynous selkie novel? And why is the dude on the left humping that rock, anyway?
Candy: Wow. Somebody was really indulging in their Elijah Wood (man-titty edition) hard-on when creating this cover. Hey, speaking of fucking the rock—did you notice that the twin humps look vaguely like buttocks? The ugly truth is revealed: the selkies, they love to make Cave Troll snuff porn. Fucking selkies.
WTF is wrong with the Bard’s legs? Seriously, did the artist draw them in backwards or somthing? Looks like they are turned around at the knee, with the backs of the lower legs showing where the fronts should be. That’s probably why he’s submitting to the dragon sodomy: his legs won’t function, so he can’t run.
I am so glad my son’s home from college. I told him to take a break from his Philosophy paper so I could share this with him.
“Are those real covers?”
“Yes they are, son. Sad, isn’t it?”
Actually, Micah thought it was hilarious. He and I thank you.
Hehehehe! Man, it is like you read my mind every damn time.
Oh and ladies? Check your inbox—more fug be a’comin’…
After a quick glance, I thought “The Luminaries I” was “The Mammaries I.” Probably it’s from the guy raising up from his shoulders, but he has a generous portion up top there. Still, if we’re talking about androgyny, those Selkie twins have it all over him.
(Did I spell that right?)
Ouch, now I’m scared. I have this selkie short story plotbunny but what if it ends up with a cover like that? 🙄
Can’t you see that Lust isn’t actually a man, but a saytr who has been cut off at the knees, that’s why he’s lying stunned while the carnivorous vines begin to grow around him.
OK, I am totally grossed out now. Because up until ten minutes ago I actually had a shameful crush on Willem Dafoe.
Curse you for crushing my dreams…
I’d change the title of the summer one to I know who you ate last summer because to me the guy looks like central casting from Night of the Living Dead. Zombies Unite!
I had exactly the same reaction as sherryfair to the Luminaries title and thought it was the Mammaries. And this is Exhibit #1 in the case against chest hair on a cover drawing, as it looks like some sort of spiral fungus (nothing against chest hair in real life, of course).
I’m glad someone else noticed the knees on the first guy! Not only that, his shins are HUGE!
A Man Called Lust? More like a man called Vomit.
Here’s where I come out against those crazy looking puppets. They actually made a movie with them and they seriously creep me out. The guy on the Summer book looks like one of those scary ass puppets.
Sealed Fate – am I supposed to want to be in the middle of this gruesome twin sandwich or is this ‘brotherly’ love?
CindyS
CindyS
There once was a man named Lust
Who lay with his pelvis out-thrust
Said he, “I’m not a fucktard
Like that she-male Bard
Whose dragon his farts will combust!”
Looks more like a man called “Duh…I falled down, go’d boom.” I swear, that has got to be the first drunken, homeless Down’s Syndrome cover model I’ve ever seen.
Omigod these covers have got to stop! I mean, nothing can beat them for absolute hilarity, but doesn’t it turn people off? As a librarian I’m always trying to get kids to “not judge a book by its cover,” but I just can’t get past some of these creepy, creepy fugly zombie covers. At least they’re e-books. If they were paper I’d constantly be flipping back to the cover, like a car accident you can’t look away from.
Although I am going to look up the one about Lust. I’ve been thinking about the poor fellow. Not only is he saddled with a small head, white hair and and tiny, piggish eyes, but also an extremely unfortunate name. Wonder what middle school was like for him?
And those selkie twins’ disturb me. A lot. It’s the waists, I think.
The selkie bitch needs to cut it out with the testosterone already and slow down at the gym, ‘cause I think it’s a girl with pecs. I think. I’m pretty sure. Maybe.
No, no damnit, I got it wrong. It’s a pre-opp tranny. Maybe. Pretty sure.
The man called Lust could be a cousin of Passion, the eponymous heroine of the Lisa Valdez erotic romance.
Yeah, Devon, I am thinking that they probably both had a hard time in middle school after that first classroom roll call every September.
“The man called Lust could be a cousin of Passion, the eponymous heroine of the Lisa Valdez erotic romance.”
Or maybe they got his name wrong. He’s prob. from Ward’s Dark Lover, and his name is supposed to be Luzt with his Bro Zadist.
OK, I am totally grossed out now. Because up until ten minutes ago I actually had a shameful crush on Willem Dafoe.
I love Willem Dafoe. Totally fulschnig (or how ever you spell that!). Something which is so ugly it’s beautiful. So repulsive you’re attracted. My friends and I have whole lists of men who fall into this group.
That Bard is such a slut. He has not one but TWO, count ‘em two, dragons.
The Bard of powerful Dragon attractant. Unless it’s dragon romance and the Bard is a peace offering?
Oh, Tonda, thank God. I thought I was the only one.
Oh, Tonda, thank God. I thought I was the only one.
…no, you’re not alone *sigh*. French women with this sort of attractiveness are called jolie laide. So perhaps Mr. Defoe is a jolie lad? (Jolie laid being something completely different)
Gotta love how the threads can be tied together in a neat little bow.
I am suddenly flashing on a recollection of Willem Dafoe using the barrel of a shotgun as a bong in “Platoon.”
I’ve forgotten a lot of that movie, but I remember that.
I do see the appeal. It’s the cheekbones, I think, and the near-miraculous survival of his hairline.
My husband and I entertain ourselves by sorting male celebrities into not one, but two categories of joli-laid. There are “handsome ugly men” (example: Jean Reno), and “ugly handsome men” (ex: Viggo Mortensen, Leonard Cohen).
It’s a subtle distinction, I admit.
the ” i know who you did last summer” guy does favor willem defoe somewhat, if you mated him with max headroom.
can you imagine ANY husband, who see’s his wife reading any of these books not giving her a hard time…maybe ripping it out of her hand and reading it out loud? or bypassing that step and just dragging her by her hair to the nearest therapist about her weird sexual interests?
These covers are simply awful. What a new level of horror!
The Max Headroom thing made me blow Dr. Pepper out my nose. That fucking HURTS, bitch! Almost as bad as the Lust cover. My eyes, my eyes! And so glad jmc also noticed the backwards-hinging of the Dragon dude’s knees. Looks like they both got kicked in. That’s gotta be painful. Guess dragon sex is a bit rough.
On the one hand, the Bard looks more like a satyr/faun. On the other hand, it took ages to track down a place that sells this tripe to read its blurb and try to confirm that he’s NOT HUMAN.
Final plus: Google Ellora’s Cave and follow the “GOT SEX?” links to their ebay store… Lollipop confoms for all!!